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Idd Salim

May 15, 2012

22:10

How/why Kenyan startups die – The ignored, insignificant techie

Dead before take-off

I was reading an article by Aaron Schaap about why IT startups don’t need a programmer to make it.

A programmer is the most useless person a startup can have. If you are a programmer at a start-up, then you are as dispensable as a napkin.

This reminded me of a very candid talk I once had with an entreprenueress at iHub. I met this pulchritudinous lady who was full of zeal and zest.

She came to me with a very solid business idea. She had figured out how her solution will work, how it will help people, how it will charge and be sustainable, how it will create employment etc.

All she needed was me to refer her to a computer programmer who will work with her for a month or 3, to develop the solution.

She wanted someone she will pay. Preferably a very technically astute freelancer. Someone she will just hire to get the job done.

“How much percentage of the shareholding have you set aside for the programmer?”, I asked her. She was shocked. “None. I just want someone I will pay to code, and they leave me with my system!”. How can a mere computer programmer dare to require shares in my GRAND plan. I am the thinker here. The creator. The Brains. All the programmer will do is just write code and my BRILLIANT idea will come to life. My awesomeness will manifest itself. Muhahahahah!

Well, I gave her props. She wanted to PAY a programmer. She is different from people I have met who think programmers just fart code. And will happily do it for free. She was different from the “I am going for a meeting, wewe andika tu hiyo code, doo inakam. Mob kama fudhi. Wewe relax” crew that I meet every day. But, I decided to educate her.

I am yet to hear of a single IT business that has succeeded because of the brilliance of a business person, albeit having a poor technical setup. or vice versa.

Businesses need BOTH. Not one. Not 2 of one. But at least ONE of BOTH the tech and biz skills. And good ones at that.

So, you have a combination of both. But still there are no success stories in Kenya to write about. All we hear about are the Seven Seas and the like, who are not innovators in any way. The only resell already developed software. Just like a software supermarket. Why are Kenyan start-ups dying? The major causes of start-ups closing shop, to me, are:

Inflated Egos: This starts when one individual becomes bigger than the team. Than the core business. Happens mostly after being mentioned on TV or on print. Or after attending a conference or 2 as a speaker about technology.

Then comes the lack of discipline required to keep ones head down and continue working as a team member. Then the techie or the business person is made to believe that they are indispensable and that the rest are just tools and toys to help them achieve their dream. This, my friends, is a dead start-up.

Greed: So, some little money starts trickling in. Suddenly, checks of amounts like 300k, 500k starts coming in. Yes, small amounts to big businesses, but to the start-ups, this is a DREAM! Tastes so sweet. Then the real faces of the business partners start manifesting.

It becomes a competition of how much more than the others one should earn. Who does more than the other. How little, if any, the others should be paid. With greed, one partner starts a side company and starts siphoning company revenues, projects and ideas created with the other partners input for years; there.

Financial mismanagement: In most setups, techies always leave the ‘business running’ to the business person. Sometimes, including finances and bank signatory roles. To the weak at heart, with absolute power, comes absolute corruption. Personal expenses become business expenses.

I always tell start-ups, “If one business partner pays a rent of KSHS 50, 000 and it is termed as a company expense, then the other should get a rent-allowance of EXACTLY KSHS 50, 000, even if they live in a KSHS 10, 000 shack.”. All expenses handled by the company MUST be spread equally. Lest, one feels more important; a bad thing, and the other one feels under-valued; a bad thing.

Hubris and Shortsightedness: A plaque. I have seen this happen alot of times and it makes me cry myself to sleep. Another promising start-up getting derailed. The founders suddenly get numbers and contacts of people who have made it in techbiz over the years.

Just because a millionaire was humble enough to have a beer with you while siphoning ideas from you, you see them as your peers. Your equals. Names start getting dropped. I was with Macharia at Que Pasa last week. Kamal has a nice dog. Sorry I could not attend the system testing session last weekend at Nailab, I was playing golf with Waibochi. Big talk. Still, no contracts for your start-up from these ‘friends’. Nothing to show. Contacts with no value.

Lost focus: “What is your MS Office?”, I always ask people. Are you a Web Design Company? Are you a Mobile Games company? Are you an SMS Messaging Company? Are you a payment gateway? Are you a hosting company? Are you professional motherboard dust-wipers? Or are you all that plus a bag of chips? Decide today.

Most start-ups that I know have been start-ups for so long, that they need to be called stalls. They have stalled. if the 5 vices I have listed are put to check, then we will have more than just mPesa to blurb about every time all these tourists come here to take amazing pictures of Africans using a computer.

The opposite of the argument above applies. In equal weight and measure. Techies also should not think that all they need to do is launch an app. It is a MUST to have a business/marketing co-founders. It is absolute lunacy and unforgivable idiocy to assume that all one needs is a great app.

Back to code.

Wazi.

May 12, 2012

18:06

A complete Idiot’s guide to what #tandaa grant is and is not

» ‎ Idd Salim

Tandaa (n) A grant. Not a loan. Not HELB.

What a day it was!

What a crowd!

What engagement!

Punches, counter-punches. Questions, answers. Enter angry, come out happy, smiling and limp. Satisfied. Hehehe.

It was no secret that the Kenyans were Angry about how the Tandaa Grant process was done. Is was no secret that the ICT Board lead by Bwana @pkukubo [PK] was willing to sit in a forum and address all the issues.

I was no secret where the meeting was held. At Nailab. The directions, googleMaps, Matatu Numbers and Taxi fare was all made public. I even offered to pay for a cab for anyone who wanted to attend but has, as usual, no fare. So there was no reason for any blogger worth his/her weight in salt not to attend. None at all.

So, the main issues were addressed:

Why are multi-million dollar companies like VirtualCity winning grants? – It was made clear that Tandaa Grants were not for Start-ups of small companies or anything of that sort. The grants were for the BEST IDEAS and best laid-out business plans. Simple as. if Safaricom or Barclays applied for the next Tandaa Grant, and their proposal was solid, they would win. Tandaa is not HELB. The ICT board is not the UN. Mpesa is here because Safaricom/Voda got a grant to develop it. And it is not even Kenyan. But it helps Kenya. Move on.
Why are foreign companies winning grants? This issue was not raised here on this blog. But some Xenophobic blogger will inferiority complex made this an issue and created an uproar from the idlers who read his half-baked content. Tandaa grants are for 2 kinds of applicants. Individuals who are Kenyans AND Companies that are registered in Kenya. Simple as. If Mr Popodupolous from Greece and Mr Stoichkov from Serbia come to Kenya and register a company that will have a GOOD idea, they will win the grant. So, measure up and COMPETE with the world’s best!
So, what about the start-ups? The grant has had the unfortunate and the undesirable side-effect of creating a dependency culture. Most start-ups now have a grant or winning an IT competition as part of the business plan. Right there next to a very weak revenue model. Well, shock on you. You will never win a grant.
Anything else? The Tandaa Grants give preference to ideas that can never get financing anywhere else. If you idea looks/feels like one that can get funding from a Bank or a any other loan avenues, then it will be second in preference to one whose survival depends on the grant only.

It was everyone’s wish, including PK, that some of these so-called big bloggers could man-up and attend these meetings. Come to the forum and ask questions to the REAL stakeholders. The report them in your blog AS-IS. Not to cook up facts and get all bitchy trying to solicit for readers.

Waibochi was there. In person. PK was there, plus about 8 of his staff. That is how seriously they took this. @Kaboro, @Kahenya, @roomthinker, @mbuguanjihia, @bankelele @watuwenginekama50. So, basically, ANYONE who mattered and had valid and genuine concerns was there.

All in all, it was a nice meetup.

All questions were asked and all were answered.

Back to code. Ama leo ni pool?

Wazi

May 09, 2012

21:38

Tandaa Grant review meetup to be held at The NaiLab

» ‎ Idd Salim

Kutandaza Tandaa.

Well, as always, I was the first one to make noise when the grant winners were announced.

Soon afterwards, after it was declared safe for the rest of the public to blog, some other blogs and gutter-press started talking about it. Calling names ofcourse, unlike here where ONLY facts were reported.

Being the Man he is, @pkukubo lent us his ear and we DEMANDED a meeting to address a number of issues we are not happy about the entire grant process. He obliged.

The government meeting room at Teleposta towers was too small for the expected crowd. So we suggested the meeting be moved to an ICT location. Bishop Magua.

Of course, insignificant attention seekers led by the one and only person with the longest and hardest pubic hair on twirra, aka Mr BigWig with a swag, refused to attend the meeting, if held at iHub. Understandable. The last time one of them showed up here, we witnessed a filming of Scream 5, Kenyan Edition.

So, to be fair to the unfortunate,

@Samgichuru of Nailab offered free space. At Nailab, there is an open-door policy and anyone is invited. All that is required, as always, is respect for others and mature talk. No censorship. No persona non-gratas.

The meeting will be held at 2 PM at Nailab, Bishop Magua Building, Ngong road, 4th floor. This Friday.

Among the issues some of my peers want to raise are:

Where the focus is. Is it new entrants or start-ups? Whydo tyre-kickers like PaySure get funded to start doing an Internet payment gateway, something SIMILAR to what companies like PesaPal, JamboPay and iPay already do and were denied the funding. PesaPal has carved a niche in mobile payments. Why not fund someone who knows what they are doing? Why fund a chef to do modelling, and leave a model out to dry.

Why are startups being ignored, while million-dollar companies get grants? A double-standard with the point number 1. Why do companies like VirtualCity, with NO NEED for funding whatsoever, get funded (albeit on matching-grant), whereas people with viable products don’t?

Where is the follow-up or background check? Someone read my last blog post and boisterously talked about how his ‘friend’ got the grant and partied with the money. What are the benchmarks? Are the funding decisions just based on proposals? Is the ICT board that lazy? Whatever happened to due-diligence?

Ofcourse, I am sure you have more questions to ask.

Welcome all. Even gutter-press. If Nailab is too far from your ghetto, let us know and we will Mpesa you the fare. For once utumie cab. Si matt fulltime.

Come to Nailab and let us make this a fruitful meetup. No insults or getting personal. Just facts and mature vibe.

And ofcourse, I give the rest of you permission to blog about this. As sensationally as you want.

Back to code.

Wazi

May 04, 2012

19:19

Of #Tandaa, #ConnecteKe and that thing called ‘sustainability’

» ‎ Idd Salim

Feeling arm-twisted? Utazoea.

No tech stuff to talk about today. Bored and chewing a code-lock at the Hub.

So let me share some tidbits with you. These are my personal thoughts. Not the thoughts and consensus of sijui my village in Meru or of all Arsenal fans or of all XP fanatics.

No. Just mine. Mimi. Salim. Alone. Solo.

Like I always warn, if you are the type that think the ICT board are Angels, that Safaricom is baba na mama and that females are over-rated, then don’t read on. This is one of those blunt blog-posts that will spoil your day. Moving along…

Tandaa

With every day, we become wiser.

With every snooker, you learn to masse.

With every ICT Awarding and granting process results, you realize one thing. This is Kenya, and some things will never change. 2 things remain constant:

The primary focus of all applicants is always the money. Never the business. The win is the END, not the MEANS to a profitable business. 2 questions beg:

Name one winner of the Tandaa Grants last year who has a working product/business/sustainable entity from last year’s winnings. I can name a massive ZERO. But I can name a few people who have bought better watches, suits, shoez, females and cars.
What has the ICT board done to ensure the winners are accountable and blacklisted if they fail the execution? Personally, I am not sure. I might be wrong, but seeing the same people short-listed every year, makes it clear that such benchmarks are as present and as transparent as the real purpose of Konza City.

Same winners will always be selected. So, why even bother? Nokia had to slice the Prize money for the African Code Challenge to batches of USD 50k from USD 1M because the last winner used the money ‘kwa njia nyingine zisizoeleweka’. Sadly, the same winner, just won USD 140, 000 on the Tandaa Matching Grant. Their latest innovation, a buggy Vaadin-based AppStore that has eBuddy, OperaMini, Shark or Die and the best Kenyan Mobile App called m-Atusi.

I am not going to claim to be an expert in the field of Kimenyano or to have access to any back-stage information, but like I said in a blog-post before, we are just a country of talkers. Planners. Strategists. But no doers. Too much talk. No wonder we are number 2 on twitter. Yadda, yadda.

I got the list of the winners from @Techweez today and it is a general consensus that 90% of the winners were just tyre-kikers. Concepts. No real prototypes of working mimics of the app. And that is the the Kenyan story. Our winners are always the loudest-speaking and best-connected demagogues.

The only sensible thing I have ever heard Raila say was that we should not compare ourselves with or lie in bed in peace at night with the comfort that we are miles ahead of 5th-world countries like Sudan, Tanzania and Uganda. We should better ourselves. Not benchmark our goals and achievements against chronic mediocres and under-achievers.

ConnectedKE

I am pro-meeting-of-great-minds. As long as the meetings are progressive.

A lot of my friends asked me why I did not attend the ConnectedKe 2012 conference. “What for?”, I asked. “Apart from having sweaty-balls, chilling at Shakatak and being masticated by mosquitoes bred from the 4-K Club, what more value will it add.”.

The theme and aim of ConnectedKe Conference for 2012 should have been to REVIEW what we had achieved since the last conference in 2011. Not make MORE blind plans. Not sit down all day in nipple-constricting AC temperatures and listen to plans. Oh, wait. This is Kenya. All we do is plan and talk. Sound brainy. Be told we are awesome. Then go back to work on Monday. And keep wondering why, while over 30, we are still employed.

Why should I pause from code and attend a conference where I will meet the top leeches and brain-slurpers Kenya has to offer? I might share a super-brilliant concept during a lazy afternoon at the Bustani swimming pool, then 3 months later, I see it on a bill-board, powered by BernSoft. Why?

Sustainability

Ok. clearly vitu mob zimenijamisha. So acha tumalize hii post na something less antagonistic.

I really pray that I get the focus and time required to build the @AngryKenyans game to completion. I really do. I want to showcase the potential of mobile coding in Kenya. A cash-camel that uses no Ads. Fuck Ads. And here is why I cringe when a mobile developer talks about Ads. 4 unique ways to make money everyday, per-user, without ads.

Tuvitu from Shimba got over 950, 000 combined downloads on the Ovi Store. Revenue generated? A massive Zero Billion Kenya Shillings.

Kuna dawa.

Back to code.

Wazi.

April 30, 2012

17:09

Me I think I am having a bad day. Me I think

» ‎ Idd Salim

April 23, 2012

13:18

The stolen laptop, ball and the iHub match

» ‎ Idd Salim

What an eventful last 5 days!

At least 16 people I know lost their ‘stuff’. Laptops, phones, wallets, hope in life, virginity… name them!

The question lingers. How can Salim, a total teetotaler, lose his laptop? His tool of trade. “Ulipigwa?”, some asked. “Ofcourse not!”, I responded. “The bulge on my trousers would have scared off any would-be female assailant. Not to mention my Jujutsu, which would render any-sized person defunct.”

Laptop

So, how did it happen?

I normally leave my daily backups in a disk at iHub. But I was not planning to go to iHub from Thursday to Tuesday. Working from home. 4 days straight would get alot done. So, at 9pm, I packed all my stuff in my HP bag.

The souped-up HP p8440 laptop [8 GB Ram, 320 GB HDD, Over-clocked Corei5].
Samsung 640 GB Backup disk with all my data.
Laptop Charger.
Samsung USB Cables.
Boobs mouse-pad and Normal Mouse-pad.
Small-small geek toys.

So, I went to Qz, then K1 for reggae. I have reserved parkings at these 2 places, so security is never an issue. All I have to do is call and “hiyo parking tutakuwekea mkubwa” is always the response. I left Qz and all was there. Nothing stolen.

Then I went to K1. Played pool like a viper. won 11 games won in a row. Oh! what a night. Then I lost to a female. Her short skirt and full boobs were too distracting for a thug like me to focus on mere balls. So, I booked another game and I went upstairs where I met Mr Mimano chilling and billing while sipping and tipping. With him was Alindi and SirLV and some very happy looking fellas who greeted me with a wry smile and a limp handshake. Na hiyo story ikaishia hapo.

Time-check! 2am. A coder gotta go sleep. So, as I was heading out, I met a friend who asked for a lift to Ngong road. I obliged. Laptop iko. Nothing stolen. Drove all the way to Ngong Road Total Petrol station. Decided to stop and buy some Ngwati-ken (kuku-porno). And this is where it happened.

Normally, I lock the car and go, do some munching, and then drive home happily. But since there was someone kwa ndai, I left the music on and the doors closed, but unlocked. Went to order and 5 mins later, walked out. I found the son of a busted condom asleep. Blacked out. with the door open. And no laptop. Total loss: Approx USD 2000 hardware.

The rest is history.

It is during times of calamities like these that the real friends manifest themselves. All someone needs sometimes is just an ancouraging tweet, SMS or phone call. Team Salim-ni-wetu sent me these. The DGAF could not care less. Unsurprising. They DonGiveAFck.

So, fuck it.

I spent the whole of Friday installing my working environment on Anastacia (my old, faithful laptop) and also calculating the loss. With all the DropBoxes and SVNs, I still lost 5 weeks worth of work. I had to make a few sad calls to a few clients and cancel projects, refund deposits etc. Sad. But necessary. Otherwise pressure ingenimada.

Ball

The writing was on the wall. Dortmund just needed to win their derby against Monchengladbach to win the Bundesliga title. They won 2-0. And won the title. Kudos!

Real Madrid just needed to avoid defeat against the Spanish soap opera of divers and referee-decisions FC. The Man Urinals of Spain. They won. They just need 1 win and 1 draw to win the La Liga. Kudos!

Back in England, Man-chesthairs Yawwwwwnited just needed to beat Everton at Sold Trafford and ASSURE them of the 2011/2012 title. They could not handle the pressure. Now all Man City needs to do is win all their games. And there is nothing the divers can do to stop them from taking the title.

iHub Match

Venue: Kilimani primary school. iHub Nairobi’s Code FC was to play their first game of the Kenyan Division 4 football league against the Red Catalans. A team full of brobdingnagian fellas. The smallest dude had a show of size 9. They made the ball look like a pool-white ball. They gave the ball boys a hard time fetching the ball from Kawangware and from Hurlingham.

But iHub was unrelenting. Captained by Erik and rallied by Fender and Pires they cut through the catalans musculo-epithelial frame defenders like a hot-knife through butter. The Merciless attack of iTosh, Pires and William could be stopped. But only for a short time. iHud emerged victorious.

Back to code.

Wazi!

April 19, 2012

23:03

4 of the most annoying types of Kenyan species I have met

» ‎ Idd Salim

Humanious Pissofficus

Well.

Nothing techie-esque today. Acha tudiscuss wasee. Au vipi? Kwani kila saa ni hi-tech stuff?

Just blowing off some steam after a long, hard but deeply satisfying day at the office.

Don’t believe the blog.

Don’t believe the hype.

I am a simple jamaa. I focus on the simplicity and aim at attaining the ultimate sophistication, as Einstein perceives. In my line of work (which, of course, involves a lot of brain-work and innovation), I have had the unfortunate displeasure of meeting some ‘characters’.

Well, we know of a few, and have met one or 2 in our daily lives. Annoying f|_|ckers. Let us look at a few.

Multijuajious Kilakitucus

Before the ‘Salim-anajiringa-hati-yeye-tu-ndiye-anajua’ crew and the ‘ohh-my-3inch-dicq-is-the-longest-in-my-village’ gang start getting all defensive, I must make it clear that I ADORE and look up to anyone who knows something I don’t know. I never feel intimidated. I feel challenged. Challenged to make my teacher my role model, then my equal, then my student. Without vendetta. That’s what’s up.

That said, I completely abhor know-it-alls. Talk about computer parts, they have something to say. Discuss about PHP vs Ruby, they have something to say. Talk about the contribution of long pubic hair to global warming, they wrote the Wikipedia article on that.

The sad part of the story is that their contributions are always based on some half-researched article they read in 2001 and some beer-talk they over-heard last week at Black-D from some drunk faggot (As @__RamzZy__ would put it: ‘Oops! I said faggot. I’m sorry, i meant respectable male member of society who smiles at a penis in the butt.’). My God!

There is nothing worse and more annoying than getting into a fact-based argument with this lot. They will swear by their ‘facts’.

Playahatus Extremus

This is another infectious trait. The belief that everyone who has more than you is a thief, murderer, con-man, devil-worshiper of someone who likes Man-United habits (aka shoga).

Instead of styling up and becoming a better ‘them’, the members of this group will sit all day and look for items to tweet and blog in a senile attempt to smear their targets. Meanwhile, their target is making more money and screwing their chic. And life goes on.

Ngwatimobious PendaMticus

An annoying group. Lovers of porn and movies. Downloading content DAILY. There is no torrent-day for these annoying little pests. Everyday is Ngwaturday.

Come to iHub or on Safaricom Unlimited Internet, and these soul-less leeches, who account to about 1.2% of the population, will be consuming 80% of the Internet pipe.

Mess up your day with slow internet speeds, then go home and spoil their Rexona.

Pokohuntaz Jiitaplayarus

If you hang out around Westie and in some popular lounges in town, you will meet this crew. Pretenders and posers with no real loot but acting like ballers. The bill reaches KSHS 700 and it is mayhem for the club service personell. They will talk about all the biotches they plug-into daily, the models and the news achors to whose Drive C they have unlimited admin read-write rights. But you never see them with any females.

Ok, you do. But madem wa F1. Poko-Hunters.

Heh!

Acha niende doba K1 kiasi, tupunguze uzee.

Then morrow ni kama kawa.

Back to code! Wazi.

April 12, 2012

22:21

From we should do, we will do, we are doing, to we have done

» ‎ Idd Salim

Power. Unprecedented Power.

Tongue twister. I know.

Unfathomable by many. I know.

Incomprehensible by most. I know.

Attainable by only a select few. Obviously.

Most folks never go beyond the first step. It always is about what needs to be done. Whereas nothing ACTUALLY gets done. [That is why I sabotaged the ConnectedKE conference. But that is a story for another day.] It is a Kenyan culture. It is infectious. Even foreigners are not immune.

Hang around Kenyans long enough, and you start being an expert on how things will NOT work. What we can NEVER be able to do as Africans.

How your idea to open a shop in town will fail because Kanjo will come for you. How you should not go to town because of traffic. How you should not talk to a gal in a club because she is too hot.

Speaking of gals, I met this hot chic last week and she had a big and juicy … [Naah, serious stuff only in this blog post. Sorry.]

We are a society of all these bright ideas. A culture inundated with egos that can never fail to take a chance to yap all day in forums. On twirra. In discussions. Oh, look how bright and intelligent and informed about everything I am. I am the best. All these ideas are mine. But what have you achieved so far in life? A big FOOKIN nothing.

A culture of predictors and speculators.

Full of ‘I-studied-in-the-US/UK-and-you-should-all-xuck-mi-deeq’ celebrities and ‘spokespersons’.

Full of ‘They-studied-in-the-US/UK-and-we-are-brainless-idiots-compared-to-them’ self-doubters and meek beings.

But then there is YOU. Yes, you are one of the 1200 people who read this blog daily. Because you know the content is informative. Because you know the content is contextual to your purpose. Because you know that, here, your ego will not me massaged. You will be hit hard with the bare and blunt facts of life.

YOU are fed-up by being Kenyans. Since being Kenyan means being satisfied by a paltry 6-digit salary at the end of the month and showing off to your friends. YOU are fed-up by being Kenyans. Since being Kenyan means you just need to grow a pot-belly to be seen as successful. YOU are fed-up by being Kenyans. Since being Kenyan means hating on those who have more/better/bigger/faster than yours and despising and labeling anyone as a loser and a fookin idiot who has less than you.

YOU want to do something big. Something tangible. Such that if you die TOMORROW, everyone will sing about you and how much you have touched your lives.

“Salim! Give us an example. Please!”, I hear your soul shout, despite some resistance from the Kenyan ego.

So, let me talk about the ISIOLO cluster. Finally commissioned. USD 50k signed off. 70% of the required bleeding-edge hardware not available in Kenya. Some technical details first:

A 16 Node monster.
1 NVidia GTX 680 GPU per node [Each with 1, 536 cores].
1 Intel® Core™ i7-3820 Processor – (10M Cache, up to 3.80 GHz) per node [each with 4 cores and 8 threads]
1 64 GB Samsung SSD for scratch-disk per node.
Combined power of 48 Tera Flops. [2 TeraFlops short of the 500th fastest super computer on earth.]
InfiniBand for I/O throughput [Network I/O] – No Ethernet.
Power will be direct from UPS to Monitor. No power unit. Less power usage.
The setup will need a minimum dedicated 9.3 KW of power as input.

So. Yes. Kenya will finally be in the map. The most POWERFUL computer in Africa will be completed in the next 60 days. So what? How does it help you as YOU. So hii ISIOLO cluster itanilipia rent? You ask.

For the cooks, watchmen, shoe-shiners, website designers and computer-monitor dust wipers, all this is greek na Salim anajifanya mnoma. Hit the door. Bye. Thank you.

For those still reading, the use of such a computer monster is only limited to your imagination. We have spoken about this alot. I won’t bore you with repetition.

But, ohh no! We will not keep the spoils and knowledge to ourselves. We are not THAT Kenyan. Everything will be documented. 5 people EVERY month will be exposed to this awesomeness. Tick… tock…!

And for the next 2 months, this is what I am going to do. What about you? Do something bana. Don’t see life just waste by.

Back to HPC.

Wazi.

April 05, 2012

18:24

*iCluster_ – The I.S.I.O.L.O. HyperComputer project finally commissioned

» ‎ Idd Salim

Big is big

It all started as an Idea.

A ‘what if’. An ‘I wish someone is reading this and can buy into the dream’ kind of a whimper. An ‘If ONLY I had the funding’ tyre-kick. A gut feeling that a group of Kenyans can actually do this.

A need to show that we never have to depend on the American or the savior from Europe to do this for us.

A pain arising from the hunger for an African success story. The quest to showcase that in Kenya, we are not just USERS of technologies. We are creators and pioneers.

The Journey has been long and tiresome. Eric Hersman told me to do a proposal. I did it. Bob of Google asked me to refine it further. I did. I was asked some technical questions about clusters. I answered them as if asked what my name was. [And still, I cannot get a job, for kicks ofcourse, because I do not have a University degree].

Finally, the funding has been release. USD 50, 000 allocated for the *iCluster_. Codenamed the ISIOLO HyperComputer Project. The initial project will be designed by a core team of 2-3 people.

My experience in servers, SysAdminery and security means I will have the honor to do the setup and Configs. Kernel hacks, optimization, installation of the Parallel programming environment. Setup of tools like pyCuda and Cula. @AfroWave will do the Networks, the power and cabling, the rack specs, the monitoring system and the cooling. We still need 2 people.

One person to do the documentation of the whole setup. Videos, photographic and technical. We might need to create a documentary for this. You need to have your own camera and be available to come to the iHub at least 3 times a week.

Secondly, also, we might need an individual or panel of thinkers. We have over 7 uses for the iCluster that will be published as we go on, if not yet listed in my last blog posts, but we will welcome ideas and challenges.

The project is FUNDED by google, and happily IMPLEMENTED by local hard-core talents from Kenya, based at the iHub. And that’s whats up.

Now, this is the ZeroDay on how we are going to play it:

We will be welcoming applications from 2 types of people.

Techies who want to learn how to create the cluster. With them, we will dismantle and delete EVERYTHING from a learning replica of the cluster, and then do it from scratch. This will be done with 5 people every 30 days. So, 5 people per month will get to learn something new and cool. Nice huh?
Business-minds who want to know how the blazing speeds of the cluster can be harnessed for their organization. It is really a no-brainer. Ogopa and HomeBoyz. Universities. NSE. NSSF. Kenya Police. CID. NSIS. Telcos. KNEC. Kenya Army. Tens of uses for the cluster for each.

More on this will be on the *iCluster_ blog that we will open soon dedicated to the cluster. Videos, Daily updates etc.

Let us celebrate Kenyan. Let us celebrate technology. Real solution to real problems, using technology.

Back to code.

Wazi.

April 02, 2012

19:32

The 10 days of hackathons that were #mgenie #pakacha

» ‎ Idd Salim

10 days of hacking After 2 weeks of hackathons, this body is waaaaasted!!

Won the Capital FM hackathon, according to many at 88mph, but got third spot with mGenie (USD 500).

Then won the British Council #CultureShift competition with #ArtPakacha (GBP 4000). I was lucky to be in a team of brainies and thinkers like Judith, Anthony, Antony, Wambui, Sue and Marie. Naturally, playahaters have started labeling me The Hackathonator. Some are ALREADY asking me to quit so that ‘others’ can win. And I have not won something major. Yet.

Just foreplay, baby. Just warming up.

Nothing tech in this blog post. Sorry. Not today. Today I feel like heading to a place I can play pool all night and laught the night away with my peeps. I want to just chillax. But thence cometh the dillemaeth. My peeps either love going to strip joints like Liddos or Maddie, wannabe joints like Mercury or Pork joints like Bistro. No pool there.

What should a thug like me do? Code?

Saturday was a #BAKE_KE meetup. tamutamu.net had offered to cook for the bloggers and this was a good meetup event for bloggers and tweeps at Caribea in Hurlingham. So, after winning the British Council Challenge, my team released me and I raced to Caribea.

Before meeting the boys, I decided to order something cold, sweet and revitalizing. Redbull cold na Maji warm. That is always my order! The waiter goes to the counter, then comes back with Shark. Fucking Shark. “Hakuna redbull, but hii ni kama Redbull tu. Ni energy drink. No difference.”. So I take it. “Ni how much?”, I ask. “400 bob”, he responds. I give him a folded Nakumatt receipt as payment. He looks suprised. “Hakuna pesa. But hiyo ni kama pesa tu. Ni karatasi kama pesa. No difference”, I told him. Laugher!! He looked like the fuckin fool he was.

“Boss, nikikutuma uniletee dame, usiniletee shoga then uniambie ‘Hakuna madem, but huyu ni kama tu dame. No difference’ “, I told him and have him his Shark back. Moral of the story: Shoga si dame!!

So, I went inside and met the usual suspects. Kach the man with the 3310 touch, wiselar the huslter, Techweez Mr busy-as-bees, Wamathai the assassin of ma-thigh and Teri.. the dude who has the avi of a Njeri.

Then, ofcourse, was super-hot Diana. She wants to be a blogger. And I made it clear I could help. Then there was a happy dude, who was later identified as Duncan. Some chics were calling him LV. So I could only assume that he was SirLV. Polite guy. Non-bullish. Respectful. Same humility you only see in Mr Alai. Bullish on twitter, but actually someone you can sit down with and have a mature conversation with in person. Nice. Moving on kabla nitukanane.

The night was looong. But I am a hard guy. So ofcourse, it was deeply satisfying.

Lastly, as promised, the mGenie sourcecode would be released as OpenSource. Ofcourse, this is the RAW code used for the #IgniteHackathon. Nothing fancy, but a robust XMPP Java client for the S40 and S50. Made in 24 hours.

Here it is, on GitHub.

Enjoy.

Back to code.

Wazi

March 27, 2012

12:51

My experience at the Ignite Hackathon #igniteHackathon

» ‎ Idd Salim

Ignited. Forever burning

And so it happened. Salim finally decided to participate in local developers’ contest. A Hackathon. As I warm up for Pivot East.

He decided to attend the Ignite Hackathon.

Over the last two years, he has seen awards being taken by pretenders and wannabes, as well as deserving and seasoned masters of the code-game.

So, seated and psyched by @zacckOS, the code was designed, visualized and aligned to the theme of the Nokia/Emobilis/Capital FM Sponsored theme: “An application for the Masses”.

The challenge was to design a mobile application, from scratch, in less than 30 Hours [Saturday 8am to Sunday noon] or showcase a done, but un-published app and align it to that theme.

Ofcourse, as anyone who knows anything about me apart from my seconds name and that I hate VB and Man Urinals, I dislike JUNK food with a passion. But, Sacrifices had to me made. My peeps were texting asking where we are playing pool that night. Not tonight. Sacrifices had to be made.

The venue, above BrewBistro, was humbling. Twice the size of @iHub and @thenailab combined. Fitted with modern equipment and cushioned coding seats. Big enough to host over 500 people. And here we were, thinking Magua was all that. Talk of the Chinese Peenus. Just 2 minute drive from my crib. What more could a coder ask for? I was tempted to shifting there from next month. Next week. Maybe.

I decided to develop a mobile platform. A mobile app was too easy. I called it mGenie.

mGenie is your personal Mobile Genie. A know-it-all platform. It allows a user chat with WebServices running as Bots using a very simple Key-words register, provided by the Bot. It is an N-tier platform consisting of:

A mobile application supporting XMPP in J2ME.
A MySQL Database that holds a register of services.
A PHP web-service that feeds the Mobile App with the services from the DB.
An ubiquitous Bots register that allows developers develop their own services and plug them to the service inventory. These Bots support a simple

User - All a user needs to do is download the app on their phone.

Service Providers – Service providers would register with Xema Labs and have their services registered and approved to appear on the mGenie Mobile Application.

Example:

Let us say Nairobi Stocks Exchange developed a Bot that does the following:

Listens to connections.
Responds to keywords:

Mobile user types ‘Help’ – It responds with ‘Help: To see price of a stock, type the name e.g. For Safaricom, type Saf. Type stocks for a list of all stocks’
Mobile user types ‘stocks’ – It responds with ‘Stocks: Saf (Safaricom), eqty (equity), Acck (Access Kenya)’ etc…
Mobile user types : ‘Saf’ – It responds with ‘Safaricom is trading at KSHS 3.1′
Mobile User types : ‘saf history 3′ – It responds with ‘Safaricom stock for the last 3 days: 24th March [Lowest: KSHS 3.0, Highest: KSHS 3.3], 25th March [Lowest: KSHS 3.1, Highest: KSHS 3.4], 26th March [Lowest: KSHS 3.2, Highest: KSHS 3.4]‘
Etc…
The responses and the data are FULLY controlled by the third-party developers. No need to update the Mobile App. It is just a shell.

The mGenie platform is able to run ANY type of service. Insurance Quotes? HIV Counselling? Medical Symptoms Queries? Music Downloads? Name them!

So, Luckily, I was part of the 15 people who made it to the Shortlist to demo their apps. I was 4th to demo my App. I demonstrated a Simple dictionary bot that takes a word from the user and gives the dictionary definition. Then added that the platform is open and ANY developer could develop their Bot to serve their personalized content to interested users.

Talk of an intelligent Mobile-based real-time and personalized user-preference-tracking s40 Meta-directory. I could see the judges impressed my the amazing simplicity presented to the Mobile user, despite the complexity of the setup, all done in less than 30 hours. My presentation was done. So I went back to my seat amidst claps.

Immediately I was done, Chris Kirubi stood up and took the Mic. He was the sponsor, so we gave him all ears. He started by expressing disappointment that the App was ‘doing too much’. I did not get a chance to answer back and explain that this was a PLATFORM and the ‘too much’ being done was by the third-party service providers. He talked and talked and I could see, with every word and scorn, the judges begin to vacillate. The 7 our of 10′s that I might have got quickly turned to 4s.

Why would a sponsor take the Mic, in the middle of a presentation and put down a contestant? Presentation 4 of 15. Couldn’t he be professional and wait for the event to end, then talk to me personally? Or to the crowd, like he did, but after the judges had finished their job?

One part of me told me to get into my car and go home. Another more sensible part told me to be strong. So did a few tweets from some of my peeps. Had I come first, I am sure he would have rescinded the prize.

In my life, I have seen shoe-shiners advise masons on how to lay the bricks in the best way. I have been to lectures where chicken-feet-washers talked about IT security. So, Kenyans talking about something they know NOTHING about, and with authority, was nothing new.

Despite the stones thrown to me and the castigations, I came 3rd. I went home completely disappointed, and utterly flabbergasted.

The Ignite Hackathon was HUGE success, to me. Despite what happened. I came third, overall. And I was happy. Not for the money, but for ‘Validation’. That was 120 coders and 6 judges looking at me and saying, “Msee uko poa code!”. And that is all a thug like me wants.

Back to code.

Wazi.

March 22, 2012

13:11

The 5 self-made Kenyan millionaire Coders of 2012

» ‎ Idd Salim

Enough. Let's get paid!

Heh! Ni kunasty. Feelings nazo. Emotions nazo.

Last week I tweeted that I had finally managed to get time off my busy schedule and get me a driving license, and MY GOD!! It proved to be a thorn in a lot of people’s flesh.

“People have been driving for ages! Don’t boast to us”, one male retorted in a comment on my blog post. ‘Boast’? I wondered.

But this was just an estate dog barking.

So I went on with my biz.

I had a hard-on for a German machine, but, as advised by @Kaboro , @afrowave and my other close peeps and well-wishers, I decided to get a small, cheap car to spruce my driving skills first. Small enough, but beastly enough to make the Vitz, ISTs and other Kindergarten cars cry as I pass them. So I tweeted this. “Just got me a 5-Speed 1989 Starlet GT Turbo. Happy days”, My Gawd!! Enter the trolls, the eHaters and TwHaters. “Gari ya watoto wa Campus.”, “Hahahah!! Hauna doo”, etc.

Such bitter sons of biatchez. I wanted to confess to the probably-matt-using, sad, little goat-fucker that my 2 weeks’ pay is enough to pay him and his family for a year to just sit at home and play with their nipples all day. But nitaambiwa najiringa. They will say Salim is full of pride and is a show-off. So I let them be.

So, I wake up at 8:13am today, and felt like tweeting : “I am awake and well, Praise be to Allah!”. But immediately, I knew THAT would offend someone. TeamFickle. “What do you mean waking up? So what? People have been waking up all their lives. And do you think you are the first one to praise Allah!”, was my premonition. So I stopped tweeting the thought.

Can’t we just share our little successes? Can’t we all just be happy for each other? Can’t we all just get along? We cant? Well go phuck a tree. You are the reason you are bitter with yourself. Not me, loser!

Wow! Explosive start of this blogpost, huh? I know. I am GOOD at foreplay. Twende kazi.

In March 18 2010, I blogged about 10 opportunities that were there, agape, for people who wanted to make alot of money in code. 75%-80% of the potential was locked on MobileMoney and PRSP interactions. So, I went all bonkers when Safaricom classified me, my blog, my left nut and my cat as “IT Security risks”. Salim and any associated people were blocked for over 18 months from using ANY Safaricom services.

Luckily, In came Bob and a team of more receptive people. The embargoes were lifted. History. We finally have the connections that were required to enable the Kenyan techies develop and INSTANTLY-on-upload, earn from the 10 systems.

This drive and need to see people succeed and EARN from code was part of the 8 reasons that the Head of Innovation job at Safaricom was so strategic for me. To act as the door-opener to all the coders I see with super systems but no way to monetize, because Safaricom are, despite all the efforts from NW and BC, still Safaricom. The biggest, roundest and hardest nipples in town. Inundated in hubris. But I did not have a University degree. Down the drain, it all went. Sad.

The opportunities have withered. Some adulterated and killed due to poor execution by copy-cats. What we call the IT-journeymen. The tire-kickers. The nina-system-kali-inatwa-HelloWorld crew. Massive, colorful, expensive and well-covered media launches for mediocre products. Spoils the name of the Kenyan IT potential. People with money and capacity but not the focus or knowledge or patience to execute the master-plan. People who think code ni mkate. You know worramtaokinabout!

“So, what remains, Salim”, you ask. “How do we pick up from that blog post, now that all is good?”. Read on:

1 – Harnessing XMPP – Human-to-computer communication. No one in Kenya seems interested in this. How humans can ask a computer bot, via chat, about real-time data. Takes you beyond search. You don’t look for information. Information finds you. Behavioral analysis algorithms make sure only relevant information comes to you. Dollar rate? NSE Share price. Sale and buy Order to a stockbroker server with order confirmation support? Symptoms for a disease? Closest clubs and bars? I am going to showcase this in the IgniteHackathon this weekend. We have smartphones. We have a local loop. You have No excuses.

2 – MPG – Mention Ma3Racer. Then shut up. Because that is all there is available as far as games from Kenya are concerned. Multi-Player Games are there for the taking. Human vs human over the KIXP local loop? Over WaziWiFi? Over iHub Wifi? 5 bob per week per player. Bragging rights and monthly prizes per winner. What’s there to stop at least 20, 000 of the 200k+ Kenyans with Smart phones playing your game and paying you daily? Wait. It is you, dummy!! You have not developed/finished the game.

3 – UGC – Last week when I met NW of Safaricom, he was super-excited about the KulaHappy service. How much traffic it was pulling and the traction it was getting. My lectures and blog posts about the potential of local User-Generated Content sasa zimekuwa kama wimbo. If Ogopa DJ and/or homeboyz were serious and stopped depending on the foreign and un-monetizable youtube, they have enough content to make a killing off data, ads and subscriptions.

4 – Kenyan Social Network – Well, again. Figures. at least 38% of Safaricom Subscribers are Data-enabled. That is at least 7.6 M. Again, Facebook has only 1.7M users. 6M Kenyans CAN use facebook if they wanted, but choose not to. Less than 50k users on twitter (give or take). What do you have to offer these Kenyans that the foreign social networks cannot? Think. The Kenyans are waiting. Sembuse had 246, 031 people before we closed it due to the embargoes above. Then, Facebook had just over 580, 000 users. Tulikuwa bumper. Potential iko.

5 – Hacking and Security – *looks left, right, re-checks firewall*. Now, I will not speak about the story I heard about these hackers who used to go to The Mug in prestige and steal digital Airtime Vouchers from that bookstore there, on the ground-floor over their insecure Wi-Fi. I will not. I will not speak about the NgongRoad Hackers who listen to VOIP calls doe to poor Voip security.

I will, also, not speak about these guys who once came to see me at iHub claiming they know people high up in Safaricom and that they could make me millions if I showed them the Mpesa Exploits I had spoken about in 2010, in the old version of Mpesa (decommissioned and replaced with a robust and more secure one).

Also, speaking about glaring and open security holes in online banking systems have led to alot of not-so-nice emails from angry/scared ‘Solex Sysadmins’. What this shows is that there are still ‘savvy’ IT companies in Kenya who think IT security is all about biometrics and Mbwa Kali signs.

The potential is there. having an inquisitive mind, Forming a legal entity, getting certification from CEH and the like and then being true to the client’s interest are the only requirements.

Heh! Acha nimalizie hapo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

March 20, 2012

15:21

So you think you can tweet – Kenyan edition

» ‎ Idd Salim

Garbage + garbage

This is one of those ‘perspective’ blog posts. And when I write such, I always advice the average ‘fragile ego’ I-am-a-celeb-in-a-certain-village-somewhere-so-dont-play-with-me Kenyans to ward off. Go to TechnoVillage and read about an outsider’s view of iHub.

Or go to xvideos.com. They are hiring people to classify their porn collection.

Oh, you are still reading this. So let’s get down. Or in.

Deep.

Kenya is number 2 in Africa in the number of tweets. Only 2nd from South Africa. YAAAAAY!! We are the best in the third world country. Yess!! We are so intelligent and engaging! Yaaaay!! We are the BEST among the mediocres!! Kenya!! The BBBEEEEST!! Yessss!!

Yeah. Compared to small 5th-world countries like Uganda, Tanzania and Somalia. The big Chinese Peenus comes to mind once again.

When I was learning how to program in the Assembly language (before I paused it to be continued later mfuko ikifura), one of the most memorable sentences was : “People who know very little sound like geniuses to people who know less or nothing; but sound like complete fools to people who know alot.”

So, why is Salim complaining now? Can’t we just be happy that Kenya is finally in the map?

We have fibre. And what have we accomplished since? 1.7 Million facebook users from 700k before the Fibre. Number 2 on twitter from obscurity. What else, let me see, not a fuckin thing.

I would be happy to be number 19 in Africa, with positive tweets about life and money and spiritualism, than number 2 with dementia-inducing tweets by chronic cranial rectitis mindsets. Relax. usijam yet. bado hata sijaanza.

What are the most discussed items in the Kenyan Tweetosphere?

Whole days contributing to and re-tweeting useless Trending Topics and HashTags [#ujingaNi #alaiScream #ChieftKariukiTweets]

Retweets of innuendo and please-join-me tweets from faggots by people who pretend to be straight. *just for laughs*. Seems if you just put ‘Oi’, ‘LQTM’, ‘LOL’, ‘SMH’ or ‘ROR’ in any retweets, you validate the garbage it carries. Alot of #KOTS are just Kindergarten faggots. They have just not graduated yet. All the signs are there.

Sex-sells – That shy girl you see in the office in accounts or IT is the biggest slut in twitter. Talking about her nipples and getting 4000 followers. “I am horny today” – 4,000 retweets and 1000 responses. The dude called ‘DopestChiqa’ from Zimmerman uploads a new naked female photo – 6000 followers! pap!

TweefWhores – Back to the Fragile egos. Anything and everything is a personal insult. At the slightest provocation, a tweef is born. And guess what the team-retweet comes to life. Especially of it is a man vs a woman or a faggot.

Ball – Nothing wrong here. Ball lazima. For some people, football is their only solace and source of joy. Man Urinals ikishinda, shida zina-SHUKA.

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

But then again, what can we do? It is a culture. We top in corruption. Crime. Just negativity..

Once again, we are the best in the world. In irrelevant stuff.

Back to code.

Wazi

March 16, 2012

21:09

The big chinese peenus, the Kenyan coder and the code

» ‎ Idd Salim

Hard working. Going nowhere fast!!

String[] woman = {“Human Female”,”RedTube”,”Vaseline”,”Rexona”};

while (stillStupidAndAsleep){

WakeUpUnwillingly(at630am);

MorningGloryWith(woman);

DoTheUsual(“Shower”, “Breako”, “Jam”, “OfficeDesk”, “BragOnTwitterAboutOfficeCoffee”, “DMSomeMammaWhoThinksYoAllThat”, “Lunch”, “BitchOnTweeterWaitingForTweef”);

}

2 stories come to mind.

Read them with an open mind kwanza.

The chinese dude with the big peenus

Once upon a time, a chinese man was born. The doctors were astonished at how HUGE his peenus was. So big was it, that his dad named him Ding Dong So. A whole 1.2 Inches while kamelala. A humongous 1.8 Inches while fully erect.

Alla dem biatches wanted a piece of it. He was nick-named the de-virginator. No style was impossible for him. No woman was too big for him. (*acha nisitukanane*). Ahem!

So, one day he was called to Kenya to mend a pot-hole on Thika road. And then he understood why the road was named to sounds like Thicker road. After a day of hard work, he decided to get laid and was lucky to find himself a Kenyan Virgin.

To prevent potential war between Kenya and China, he warned her that she might not have enough Dick-space in her drive C for his weapon. Dame akakubali 2k. Akavua. Ding Dong So akaingia. Akakuta borehole. Dame akadhani Dong So ameingiza kichwa. Kumbe mzee ashazamisha yote. The tightest and smallest Drive C in Kenya was BIGGER than any he had mercilessly formatted in China.

Akabatiza akaitwa Dong Pyenga.

Hold that thought.

Story 2: Kwendeni! Story 2 ni morrow. It will make the blog post soo long.

Ask anyone with an IQ higher than that of a pregnant marabou stock what were the top 10 Killer Apps in Kenya in 2011, and they will name at least 3 of the following:

Mpesa
Ushahidi
FaceBook
Twitter
Gmail
PornTube

All date to 2008 and before.

And this is where we find ourselves. A pitiful state. We think we are all that, whereas we still have a looooooooong way to go. Mpesa is now a 10-year-old udder. And we are still sucking on it and acting as if it is something revolutionary. What if I burst your bubble and say that Mpesa is not actually Kenyan? Si mtajam?

What else of mass-appeal have we developed in Kenya since then? Quite alot actually. Just to name the top 3:

Naasing Version 1.
Fuck’All version 2.1
NotASingleThing XP

Si matusi. Ni challenge. But kama unaona ni matusi, go home and cry to mamma. Ama ita polisi.

And that is where my pain lies. Personally, I am doing something about this. Soon, with focus and discipline and peace, I will release 2 killer mass-appeal apps soon.

Ask me when sober or drunk, and I will tell you that this is what it will take to be a reknown software developer in Kenya. A game changer. A master entrepreneur. (*sasa nitaambiwa nimetukanana. As if word ‘reknown’ ni patented.*). I always tell young boys and girls, anyone with a laptop and half a brain can write SQL statements and while loops. And if this is what coding in Kenya is, then I am ashamed to be a Kenyan coder.

How about we set our aims higher:

Develop a system that will change the lives of at least 200, 000 Kenyans. Think! You know what to do. Do it.
Develop a mass-appeal system that will be used by at-least 50, 000 Kenyans at least once a week. A game. A social app. Think!
Develop a viral content digester that works on all/most data phones. Video, especially. Zack. Unaniskiza?

While I was in Uganda between 2004-2008, Ben described Kampala as ‘One big, fat, wide-open, wet pussy waiting to get fucked hard by someone with balls big enough.’ Forget Uganda. Fuck Uganda [Not literally. Utajimuza jimti]! It is a 5th world country. Talk about Kenya. Kenya is wet and ripe. But we are still daraing her kwa magoti. Badala ya kuzamisha mti.

Nishasema. Skiza kama unaweza. Swali ni, ni nani atammanga huyu mamsilla wa faao. Wewe ama beste yako?

Back to code.

Wazi.

March 15, 2012

15:06

Top 3 mistakes I have made as a start-up/entreprenuer, so far

» ‎ Idd Salim

Mistakes, Mistakes, Mistakes

Well, a week of mixed results, reactions and feelings.

Finally, I managed to ‘get time’ and go do my B/C/E driving. Passed like Salim only does. Ofcourse. Obvious. Pass. I am Salim. Meaning I can finally drive my personal 5-speed GT Turbo Monster [Henrietta] or Symbiotic’s e240 [MsGerman], anytime I feel like. No more cabs. This is a MASSIVE load taken off my back. Finally legal. I used to spend over KSHS 24, 000 per month on cabs. Not anymore. Code has suffered, ofcourse. But the end will justify the means on this one.

Then came ball. Mabao za Bilbaooo. Then the Arsenal game. 1-0 down to NukeArsehole Yawwnited at the Emirates. But Arsenal, like me on your siz, finished on top. 2-1. 3rd spot now assured. Simple things.

Then came the news from Safaricom.

“Dear Applicant,

REF: APPLICATION FOR THE ROLE OF HEAD OF INNOVATION.

Thank you for your interest in the above position and for taking time to place your application for consideration as a HEAD OF INNOVATION.

We regret to inform you that you were not short listed in this instance for the position and will therefore not be taking your application further on this occasion. The minimum requirements for the role were;

Bachelors Degree in Commerce or a Technical field – Engineering or Information Technology from a recognized university;
“

No degree. No work here. Biatch.

Like 2Pac said, “Some things will never change.” All the best to all the suit-wearing, degrees-touting applicants who will get the job. Good luck working with Kenyan techies.

This does not mean that I will start hating on Safaricom and their people. No. I am not Kenyan like that. Hii ime-fail. Move on. Next one haitafail. Au vipi?

So, enough foreplay. Tuanze maneno sasa. Startup mistakes.

1 – Giving too much control

I have heard it said before. Give someone too much freedom and control over something, and they will start thinking they own it. You will soon be seen as irrelevant. Especially in a start-up, where resources are meager.

The usual human vices of greed and selfishness creep in. Long time ago, I was doing exactly this. Assuming that the other parties will handle the ‘business and the money’ and you will handle ‘technology’. Ohh, how stupid I was.

The lessons I got, especially after lectures and kuzomewa by Too, Liko, Sam and Wanjiku were: As a techie, you must :

Ofcourse, focus on your deliverables and not only deliver, but deliver IN time.
Make sure all expenses are signed off by you. You MUST be a signatory to ALL accounts.
If you are 2/3/4/5/x people, all loot MUST be shared in equal or pre-agreed ratios, after company expenses have been deducted.
Question all financial issues. How was this money spent? How were bills A, B and C paid without my signature?
Differentiate between company expenses and personal expenses.

Or, soon you will start developing mistrust and paranoia. We are humans. You will realize that you are walking while your partners are driving. Morale will die. Systems will get delayed. We are humans. You will start searching for side deals. We are humans.

And this is how Kenyan Startups die.

Once coder amemua ‘fuck-it’.. ni ‘fuck-it’. Hata ukaita polisi. Coders work on psyche. Not pressure.

2 – Too much trust

This is business. Trust no one. Goes the saying. Ofcourse, some ventures are started on good-will and trust. And they thrive, as long as the trust candle keeps burning. But trust has a way of getting exploited when too much of it is applied. Things that you would normally get asked about get replaced by the ‘ni obvious atakubali’ assumption. People start thinking for you. Deciding for you. Wewe ni msoft. Until it is too late.

Also, as human nature depicts, only one’s problems are priorities. Other people’s problems are ‘shida zao’. So, in a business relationship based on trust, plus giving control, you will always find yourself getting a share of what is LEFT after all the other urgent needs have been taken care of.

3 – Procrastination

Once you reach a certain level of unoma, or just because of sheer hubris, maybe loss of professional decorum or loss of psyche, you start doing Monday’s work on Wednesday. Wednesday’s work next week. And work piles up.

I have been a victim of this. Total loss of psyche. Mpaka unasahau kuwasha laptop. Unafinya USB port badala ya power button. Waking up and wondering, “what’s the point?”. Switching off the phones and locking the doors. Movie. Fuck everyone. this is ‘me time’. Because, trust me, no body cares. 80% of the time, as a techie, you are just a vessel other people use to get to their destination.

Lesson: Maliza ya leo, leo. Acha jokes.

But sitaongea mob. Nitaambiwa nimetukanana.

Back to code.

Wazi.

March 01, 2012

12:07

Oh no! Hata hatujaanza na usha-give up?

» ‎ Idd Salim

Go home and sleep

Obvious.

Najua mmeboeka. Salo imeingia BUT week haiishi.

Iko loooong utadhani ninii ya nanii. Weekend haifiki ukaskume pool ama dame wa nanii.

Kanyama kanakuita, but boss anakucheki. Barley leo psys ni #team100 but unaogopa ku-bleki.

Obviously, soon, you will have alot of month at the end of the money, but hujali. Kuwaka leo reggae lazima!!

Ask KenEntreprenuer the master genius, na atakushoo kuwa we are just a waste of time. Everything we are doing and plan to do in the next 10 years has already been invented by the Mighty Americans. The geniuses.

We should all always just fall down on our faces and palms and worship them as they are the BEST. We should all forget this idiocy of thinking that Africans (primitive fuckers in a dark planet with Aids and Malaria) can actually invent something. Utter stupidity. We should all sell our laptops and buy condoms.

Why bother spending KSHS 1M on a locally-though and done system while we can buy one from Sri Lanka or The Mighty US for USD 1M. The US system will do just 5% of what we wanted done, but HEY!! It is from the United States, biatch!!

Once you are through talking to the Arm-Chair critic and his gang of ‘let-us-worship-the-foreign-and-castigate-our-own’ crew, ask WhiteAfrican and he will tell you that there has NEVER been a more exciting time to be an African Techie. Ofcourse, my role models like Ory and DorothyOoko will agree. There are the front-runners and the realists.

I am still in pain. Apart from Mpesa, we REALLY don’t have alot to talk about in terms of mass-financial innovations. Apart from Ushahidi, we REALLY don’t have alot to talk about in terms of mass-social-impact innovations. Apart from sprinkles here and there, we REALLY don’t have alot to talk about in terms of local tech.

That is the truth. get angry if you want to. I am Salim. I don’t care. Once you are through being angry, read on.

*loading content for a happy realist*

Good. It is called the deafening silence before the LOUD BANG.

And the BANG is around the Corner. Tick tock.

Huduma is Here!! Finally. Made in Kenya for Africa. Completion date set to March Week 2. [More - Visit Huduma Site]

e-Limu is here. Mwai of AroundMe is about to go prime-time . Symbiotic’s KeleleMobile, Symbiotic’s TumaSMS, Symbiotic’s Moca… Sitasema kitu. Sitabonga mob. Ngoja uone. Doo utadhani tunaworship luci-from-far. And there are just 5 of the 20 systems I believe will make waves this year. More in a blog-post near you soon.

Ofcourse, come up with a GENUINE system that you see has a chance to help people and also become monetizable LOCALLY, and you will find alot of iMac flipping, big-words spilling and 10-websites-quoting people who will tell you how your system will not work. How it has already been done by Napend Kumar of India. How Igor Jinangumuwitz of Russia has already done it in his sleep and made it open-source.

Ohh, these are the merchants of doom and dream-killers.

If Mark had listened to all the naysayers about how MySpace was HUGE and had big, hard, round nipples, he would not have focused enough to make FaceBook. But as Africans, we are busy tweeting about HOW GREAT Facebook is, while we take pauses to tell our own, “That has already been done. Here is the link.”. Go fuck a tree!!

Everything under the moon has been invented. There is no room for square tyres. But blacker-black tyres? Anytime!

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

February 28, 2012

15:26

A compelling business case for the Safaricom Cloud

» ‎ Idd Salim

8:37

All Hail James Mwai of AroundMe

» ‎ Idd Salim

Kenya. Yep, Kenya. Made in kenya.

Hata sijui nianze wapi manze. For once, I knoweth not where to start.

But one thing is for sure. If you expect a GV-rated censored post written by a journalistic pussy, you have come to the WRONG blog. Hii ni blog ya Salim. I run this bitch. I blogeth the way I wanteth.

And thats whats up! Ita polisi.

Nimeaka leo ngware since leo from 10am nitakuwa kwa a certain server room doing some IPSec manenos. So I decided to peep on twitter and see what the lonely, sad and idle low-lives are saying/doing. Twitter is the only salvation to 9 out of every 10 tweeps in Kenya. Everyone is a celeb and their ‘opinion matters’. But then I see my home Lan’s SNMP-run Disk Full lights flicker. How can my 2.8 TB Home storage be full in a night? I wonder to my self.

But ohh, no! This dude right here was not to be left dumbfounded and all panicky. Not this dude from Isiolo. Not Idd Salim. I have seen stranger things happen. So I start investigating what could have filled my disk. Usual cuplrits first. I slip my hand inside my boxers and, yes, jibaba lao was still in there. Sleeping. So it could not have been the one filling the Disk. Then I realize it was the dust from Jammu. I shook the disk and bam! 2.5 TB Freed. Talk of the Teke-nology.

Kwani hii blog post itaanza saa ngapi? Over to Bwana Mwai.

You see him at iHub. Among the people GutterPress would describe as ‘iHub Drunkards’. Typing code all day and deep into the night. Testing, banging the tables. Pressing CTRL-A and Delete. Redoing the code again. Testing again. And again. Seeing Mac-touting and iPhone-waving Kids running on Daddy’s money and a ‘Knowworamseng Accent’ come over to the iHub as tourists and making noise laughing like retards on heat while sipping Capuchino from Pete’s coffee.

Getting annoyed by this. “This is a TechSpace. Can these fuckers go to a Bowling alley or something”, He wonders silently. Covering the ears with loud headphones playing undecipherable Metal and Kwaite. Covering their entire being with FOCUS and an EYE on the PRICE. Looking at the laptop and whispering to it : “It’s just you and me baby!! Just you and me!!”

Nothing else matters to this breed of self-driven and self-actualized beings. One thing only. Code. For the love of code. Code, for what code used to be and still should be. An Art. A way to express your inner genius. A way to show mere mortals what can be.

AroundMe version 1. 250, 000 downloads. No revenue. AroundMe version 2. Tried a failed Ad Model. But the lessons were many. As I spoke to him, I could see a winner. And now, the whole world sees one. The list of Winners is CLEAR and Out in the Open. A single Kenyan coder getting all Nyeri-female-ish on the world and BEATING them to pulp in a Code compatition.

Made in Kenya, for the world

Eur 75, 000. Yes. 75, 000. Si 700. Hapana. Ni nini wewe? Meza mate. Si 7, 500. 75, 000. Repeat after me. 75, 000. Biatch!! 8M + richer.

Na wewe bado uko employed.

Endelea kuwa na job security.

Fala.

Aki leo nanunulia mtu Lunch. Nani ana roho? [And by Nani simaanishi yule shoga wa ku-dive].

**Whistles away**. The virginity has been broken. Finally, a REAL CODER wins big. Achana na corporates winning. Under-the-table deals. Etc. A Coder has won today. And today, is going to be a good day. No matter what.

All hail Mwai for making the rest of us proud.

Back to code.

Wazi.

February 27, 2012

10:57

Of ConnectedKE2012, Bwana Bob, and Safaricom / cable cuts

» ‎ Idd Salim

I had the grand pleasure of meeting the top brass in the ICT sector today at InterCon.

The breakfast meeting was scheduled to run from 730am to latest 9am.

Ofcourse, as the formal occasion demanded, I needed to look business-person-ish.

Apart from being 90% coder, I am also 10% businessman.

So, I put on my Zara suit. I then thought twice. This was so much an overkill. Keep it simple. So I removed the coat and just put on a v-neck sweater, a simple tie and my Ethipioan leather shoes. Simple, presentable and as Nzioka of Safaricom described it, dapper.

I once asked my good friends GM and PM why they decided to get an office just a stone-throw from iHub, whereas they were ‘Green Members’ and could save on the rent. “Kuzoeana na watu.”, they told me. “You hang around people long enough, they start thinking you are friends, or the same, or equal. They start thinking they can say anything to you.”, GM continued. “You lose respect”. “You dress well, and it becomes an issue. ‘Leo umen’gara buda’. As if they always expect you to remain stagnant. A scruffy techie always coming to toil at the iHub”.

For once I thought they were just short-fused and could not take a joke, until you come with a serious client to the iHub, well-dressed for a meeting, then guys start applauding you until the client wonders, “Did this guy dress up just for me?”. Such childishness. Such un-professionalism.

Enough about me. But kuna limit ya utoto na kazi.

So, I went to the meeting and met the usuals. The eloquent Lewela, the pulchritudinous K Kobia, the meticulous Kukubo, the mellifluous and straight-to-the-point Bob and, ofcourse, the one and only Osumba.

Safaricom reiterated it’s undying commitment to support the Kenyan ICT Sector and paid up KSHS 5M towards sponsorship of the event this year. Bob also explained that TEAMS cable, that carries 60% of Safaricom’s data was cut and they switched to SEACOM which could not handle the capacity. Mpesa has since been switched to a dedicated Satellite link, a VERY EXPENSIVE move, in terms of expense, but reliable to make sure Mpesa works 100% of the time, without delays.

Brilliant. Bob gave me 52 more seconds, and I took him through the ground-breaking concept of harnessing the potential of ‘Computing Power as a Service.’ I explained how the CLOUD setup gives people availability and redundancy, but ignores the 30% of the market that needs POWER. And this was the positioning of the ISIOLO cluster. He expressed interest and demanded to SEE the setup in action when done.

Ofcourse, one thing that was missing in PK’s and AL’s speeches was WHAT we had ACHIEVED after last year’s ConnectedKE conference. There was no review of the objectives of last year. And this is one of my grievances. Of course, I say this with the hope that if I speak out about what I think is not working, I will not be castigated. That it will be taken positively and used to improve the engagement as we move on.

PK talked also about todays BBC’s airing of Tuskees Systems, SchoolSMS product. Nothing new or innovative, but Tuskees were the first ones to do it PROPERLY.

And this is a good lesson for local entrepreneurs. No matter how many people have done a solution, if no one has done it RIGHT, then the opportunity is there to be seized. Simple as. Kudos Tuskees.

Ofcourse, as always, there has been no move from the ICT board etc, to put Tuskees on the map. I believe in the power of a mention, but I think unrelenting people like Tuskees need more that just words. I am sure they would not mind a grant to push forward what is CLEARLY a working and NEEDED solution.

But, ohh well. Welcome to Kenya. I think we should finish Konza first. Then support akina Tuskees. Au sio? Ohh, the priorities!!

Well, code no mob leo. Na sijajam saaaana leo. Na kwa hayo machache.

Back to code.

Wazi.

February 24, 2012

19:49

Konza City this, Konza City that

» ‎ Idd Salim

Utadhani City ni code

Ok. Nimerudi sasa.

Sam ameandika blog post moja professional sana about Startup Weekend at the NaiLab. Obvious mlijua si Salim ameandika hiyo. Coz that ngoso joo!! Sijuagi ngoso. Na sijaligi. Sijui grammar, diction ama kama nitajamisha msee.

Ukijam, ita karao. Nitamkanja.

Ok. No foreplay today, honey. Straight to Konza. Leo nimewaka kiasi. Na code. Twende kazi.

Konza city is a noble initiative. This I will not deny. Only a fool would. And there are many fools online nowadays. I pray daily that they don’t breed. When I write about an issue, I give credit where it is due, then write about what I don’t like. I still retain my hard-on even when corrected and I accept if I am ever wrong. As I sometimes am. So nikikosea, nishoo tu “Salim, you were wrong there. It should be ABC, not CBA.”

Locus Standi

Keyword: Technology.

A country of hypocrates, pretenders, wannabes and second-rate realists when it comes to REAL issues.

What is the BEST technology Kenya has produced since 1963? Apart from Bonoko and Ngeta-echnology? Okoa Jahazi? NO! This was copied. Zap/Mpesa? No. These were copied (ofcourse, executed to the best result, not model, in Kenya.). Maybe Pearl Omega. But does Obel get any support, recognition or funding to continue with his Kenyan version of ‘Umlingo WamaNgcolosi‘, Hell NO!! Maybe a super-awesome car-control-system via SMS. But does Mbetsa get the right guidance and support? Hell NO!!

And that’s whats up. We kill and hide our geniuses while we get all wet when talking about foreign systems. Aki nimeanza kujam. Fuck!

Kenya is slowly becoming Arsenal. Fighting to build BIG stadiums but never invest in producing the best players of the game. And then you wonder why they call you bitch. You biatch!! End result, half-brain professionals inundated in hubris and half-baked coders who think ‘ps -aux | grep idiot’ is a complex linux command.

I will not talk about the Safaricom Cloud here. Saa hii nimejam. Naweza toboa sufuria. I will find avenues to address this. But I am just saddened by what we call innovations. What we call ‘Our own’. How low the tech-scene is in Kenya, while the media keeps making people think we are all that. While there is SO MUCH we can do. We just always seem to focus on the OBVIOUS.

And this is what Konza is. @mbuguanjihia questioned this stance. We have Sameer Business park that has 100% occupancy. Of air and dust. No techies. No one is interested, motivated or given an incentive to go to Sameer, a small business Park, but we want to build a FUCKIN CITY? And we think we can BUILD a TECHNOLOGY CITY. Such hubris. Such belief in our own ability as a country.

Of what purpose? To what end? If Konza City is meant to be a big bar with NyamChom and sluts and faggots filling it, then we have PLENTY of those in Kenya. It will fill in a week. But Technologist? Technologist? Technologist? Technologist? Get out of here!

Instead of planting trees and weeding them and watering them daily, we are busy drawing sketches of the Desks and Seats the trees will be cut to build when all grown? How will they grow? End-result, we buy trees from the US and Europe and curse our trees for not growing. What kind of idiotic backward thinking is this?

I will not talk about all these ‘foreigners’ who get funding from their home and become successful here with kindergarten and no-brainer products while our investors and related-bodies watch our geniuses with world-beater systems languish in capital deprivation. And this is the fundamental problem. The Entrepreneur support system. Or lack of one. Until you succeed, you are on your own. Once/if/when you succeed, the newsvan parks outside your home.

Then comes the mentality of coders. I have seen coders graduate from keyboard-to-mouth code-for-food coders to machiatto sipping boisterous and loud talking fuckers just because they got a pay-rise or work at a big telco. Code and the BASICS of being a master coder, a euber-techie have been forgotten. Coding has become like accounting or sales. An end-of-month-justification job.

We don’t have enough supply to handle all the jobs at iHub/NaiLab but we are building a City.

And this is what is going to happen.

Konza will be built. It will be completed. It will be empty for 5 years. All the server rooms will be turned to strip joints. Then the russians will come in. Then the chinese. Tough-breeds. Coders and technologists who take no prisoners. With companies and IPs registered in their mother countries. Fill Konza City. Take over the market. Take all our money.

And we will just stand there with our dicks in our hands saying : “Konza City is in Kenya. It is Kenyan”. But the innovations are not. But the money never ends up here. We are just like madem wa westie. Sitaendelea.

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

18:45

Are you attending the Startup Weekend?

» ‎ Idd Salim

Startups Weekend

Ok.

If you are an innovator this weekend the Nailab is the place to be, have you ever heard of Startup Weekend.

Startup Weekend is an event that brings together entrepreneurs, marketers, designers, tech enthusiast and basically anyone with a great business ideas together and in 54 hours help them turn the idea into a viable business, this 54 hour event is weekend long hands on experience where you find out if that ideas you had is viable, on average 50% of startup weekend attendees have technical background and the other half are business savvy.

This is the first event of the kind to be held in Nairobi, it will attract business leaders from the public and private sector, season entrepreneurs and yourself, you get a chance to network with big industry names as you pitch for funding for your idea to them.

I say grab your ticket here for only Kshs 2050/= and click here to see the list of judges , mentors and speakers, the event will be held at the Famous Nailab and breakout sessions will be at Growth Africa, come and compete on how to write code or develop business.

Startup Weekend Nairobi will be held on February 24th -26th, 2011, and is slotted to have exciting prizes for the winners of the challenge. The event has also attracted the attention of the International Community and 6 international participants and volunteers from Copenhagen, Denmark will be working together with the teams in Nairobi to see their ideas come to fruition.

On the local front, the event has attracted well known and successful entrepreneurs who speaker at the event will as well Judge the most viable ideas. The benefits to the entrepreneurs participating include the following:

Education: Startup Weekends are all about learning. Expect to learn a new skill, a new programming or business language and more so, a new way of thinking.

Enlarged network: Startup Weekend works hard to recruit high-quality, driven entrepreneurs – like you! You willcreate relationships that last long past the weekend.

Learn how to launch a business:The goal of the weekend is for you to go from idea to launch in 54 hours.

Get face time with local and international mentors: Tech and start-up leaders mentor and participate in Startup Weekends. They interact with event participants sharing experiences and giving business related advice.

Get access to valuable start-up resources: By participating in Startup Weekend, you are given instant access to great products and tools. No one leaves Startup Weekend empty handed.

The 3-day event will be held at the Nailab, which is on the 4th floor of Bishop Magua Center, Ngong Road, opposite Uchumi Hyper, with the break-out sessions being held at The GrowthHub, located at Cape Office Park, off Ring Road Kilimani opposite the Gracehouse Resort.

The participatory fee for the event is KES 2,050, and the tickets can be accessed from

www.nairobi.startupweekend.org . For those attending the event finale on 26th February only, the entrance fee will be KES 500 and the tickets can be accessed on the same website.

Startup Weekend Nairobi is being organized by tech event organizer, Linet Kwamboka, The GrowthHub and the Nailab. To learn more about this event, you can contact us on

nairobi@startupweekend.org.

February 22, 2012

14:35

How to deal with Kenyan Coders to avoid disappointment

» ‎ Idd Salim

Ok. Yeah, I am that jamaa who starts a sentence with ‘OK’, all the time.

Na sijali.

Hata kama unafanya job Safaricom (Mabeste wangu sana nowadays by the way. I always get a mix of disappointment and anger everytime I meet someone and the idiot asks me ‘Bado unapigana na Safaricom, buda?’. I pity the fool. I was playing chess, and the half-brain nitwit analyzes my moves as Checkers moves. I won, and they still think we are playing. It is like talking about that weekend game on a Thursday. Move on.)

Ofcourse, Safaricom is still that hot gal mwenye amekuonyesha ka-thigh na akakupa peck. But anataka umpeleke Sankara hata kabla hujajua kama amenyoa ama ananyesha. But kama wewe ni strategist, unajua kuwa Rook si Bishop. Au sio? Heh! acha nisiendelee niambiwe nimetukanana.

Knowworamseng?

Ok. Enough foreplay. Kwani wewe ni model? Imbisil!

Coders. Real Coders. I am not talking about the copy-pasters. I am not talking about the AppEngine wannabes. I am not talking about the CodeGenerator babies. I am talking the Pedersens, the Mutiku Nziokis, the James Mwanikis, The SoyFactors, the ByteBandits, the Munius, the AfroWaves, the DavidSvarrers, The SoloKariris, the AntoWaRedCorneriHub. Seasoned. Real bred coders who can write an entire system on notepad. No Internet. No IDE.

Rare. Busy. Shabby. Easy-to-anger. Laden with the Don’t-care-about-these-fuckin-humans attitude. So, how do you milk these code machines? Kuna always the alternative of coming to iHub/iLab/NaiLab etc and hiring a bunch of Campus kids since unajiona u know people, ama digging further and looking for iTosh/Sam wakupe contacts za wazito.

Yesterday I was at a secret meeting, discussing secretive secrets. And that is all I will divulge. But the situation was clear. Companies are not attracting or/and retaining the best talents.

So, I thought. I have been chapaing coders all the time. How about we now look at what makes coders rebel. Change jobs. Not pick up calls. Stop giving a fcuk. And being the good fella that I always am, I will share a few Gems on how to keep the best talents and make them WANT to work for/with you. Always.

Full specs baba!

You want the project to start and end asap? Give the coder the FULL SPECS. Or get a good Specs Writer from iHub to do a ToR for you before engaging a developer. Nothing is as discouraging to a coder as a half-baked Idea that keeps changing every 3 days.

Keep them motivated/Challenged

I am yet to see a seasoned coder who will join a new setup to develop a payroll ama accounting ama cybercafe management system. Systems za mchezomchezo. Ask a coder to solve a TSP using a multi-core setup, to build a better queuing code-model for a client problem. To create a better threading model for the deamon-processes of your code. To create a Mpesa Clone (Server Side to simulate maximum load and degraded network conditions). Vitu kama hizo.

Si ku-convert PDF to Word. Si kuformat an Excel spreadsheet. Ku-change ribbon kwa printer. Jobs za wasichana wa campus. My cat can do that. Challenge them. It shows you respect them.

Deliver on promises

“Salim, zile modems na servers zinakuja monday!!”. So Salim rests over the weekend preparing for a day with the new virgin servers. Fantasizing venye ataivua casing aidare mpaka apate hard-di*k. Apime the Disk space, then aiingize USB na Ai-Format mpaka iwake. The Ai-mark as ‘Done’! (Heheheh. Wee ni fala sana.)

So Monday comes and the server haijafika. “Sorry, the servers are not here but…..” *the coders don’t hear anything past here*. Umewaangusha. They will be diplomatic and say things like ‘it is ok.’ But umewaangusha. No work will get done that day. Yes, bitch, we are fragile like that. We do the heavy-lifting. And you can’t deliver on simple human tasks?

Mpe doo yake

I have always preached. I will always take 20k today, than 200k next week monday. Promises za watoto wa Nursery. Next week. next month. Mpaka saa ngapi?

Liko once told me that one thing you should never disappoint a developer on is his money. Mpe doo yake. Coders think about money only 10% of the time. The rest ni code. Na madem kiasi. So, hiyo 10%, malizana nayo. Msort story iishe arudi code.

One of the FEW reasons why master coders never deliver on systems and deadlines is delayed payments. They focus religiously on a project but once you disappoint them, they are forced to ‘look elsewhere’. And your project gets dropped. And there is NOTHING harder to go back to, than a dropped project.

I hear some retarded things like : “Amekataa kuja demo sababu ya ka-50k tu.”. I always respond with : “Mpe hiyo 50k uone magic worth 1M”.

Code si mkate

Value. I have talked about this over and over. Sitawa-bore na repitition. But code si mkate. Hata si keki.

Back to code.

Wazi.

February 17, 2012

12:43

The thing about ‘kukaa na wasee hawanaga doo’

» ‎ Idd Salim

Doo mob kaa shieet!

Ok. Relax bana.

Soma blog post yote kwanza. Ni nini? Unasoma tu title na ushaget feelings na attitude about what this post is about.

So, acha tu niseme nimemeet wasee aina mob ikifika stori ya doo. Kuna wasee wana doo, wasee wanadhani wana doo, wasee wana soo utadhani wana ngiri soo, wasee wana ngiri soo utadhani wana soo, wasee wana-make-it slowly, wasee wako just one signature short of a super deal na unprecedented mkwanjalization.

Wasee wanadhani 200k per month ni doo, wasee wanadhani 10k per week ni doo ati juu ni ‘per week’ #consultantBaba, wasee wako na pesa ya daddy/mummy and it is always ‘my mum, my mum’. Enda ukanyonye. Wasee wanauza boot sector daily kwa walami ndio wapaate some ‘Egyptian bedsheets’. Wasee aina mob.

But kila category inakupa lessons. Lessons on what to be/do. And not what to be/do.

Juzi nilikuwa nacheza pool Qz na Krush. Msee fulani poser akatokea. As always, akaenda pale kwa lonely-corner karibu na kwa DJ. Krush akanishoo, “heh!! Mbona huyu msee hanaga marafiki Qz na venye ana doo? Mbona wasee hawampendi?”. Nikamshoo the 411 about the guy. Stori mob. Ni msee namjua. Anabebaga 100k kwa pocket sawa. But bill ikifika 700 bob, anaitisha commision of inquiry. Kuna haja gani ya kuringa, unaweka 200 bob between a 50k wand ndio uonyeshane doo ukiisaka ukilipa bill ya pool ya 150 bob? Alafu kuuliza kila msee club kama ana fare ama umpe doo? Si we all came here kivyetu tukijijua?

Krush akanishoo kuwa he has met this type of posers. In 2 varying degrees. Na ina MASSIVE advantages. Inatwa the ‘fake it till you make it’ model, born in EastLando. Akanishoo: “This type of people hu-make it alot since they attract the people with REAL money. Make them think that we are in the same ‘class’, Wanaskuma deal moja ya wanga, bas.”. I got educated. Then he went on: “This type also fail if they cant control the ‘image’. Spend what they don’t have. Doo ya mdosi. Na wanamess. Kama huyu akapigwa ngeta, bas.” I got more educated.

Enough foreplay.

Now, back to the lecture at hand. Wasee hawanaga doo.

There is also the undeniable truth that staying with people who are ‘low’ compared to one breeds hubris and complacency. Be it intellectually, financially, sports-wise, etc.

Play chess with inferior opponents, and you will start calling yourself a master. Until you meet the master. Hang around people wenye waki-spend 5k at a club inakuwa bill kubwa sana na inampa stress, and you will start thinking that spending 10k makes you a baller. Until you meet msee wallet yake ukiibeba, unapata hamstring.

And such is the reality of life.

You are what you eat. What you hang out with. Like attracts like.

Kama unajua tu ‘ style=”color : #ffccoo”; ‘ (Btw, can you point out the error in that CSS style??) na mahali unapoa unaitwa Guru. Toka huko. Kamu iHub. Ulizia Wesley na Kala na Pedersen. Uonyeshwe code. Kuwa mpole. Hata msee ana 2-inch dick China hujiita Kadinyaa kwao. Akikuja Kenya, hata handjob hawesmek. Anapewa finger job. Ndiyo maanake. Jam ukitaka. Ita polisi. Piga nduru.

Hanging around people like Ben na Johhny and seeing how they roll, na listening to stories and tales about how some people live and spend, inakuwaga inspirational. Inakupa benchmark. Fika hapa, then ubonge.

Na ni ukweli that kama msee mmoja anaweza make, sote pia tunaweza. Sio? Dogi wewe. Nothing can be further from the truth. Kila mtu na njaro zake. Just because msee ame-make it, haimaanishi pia wewe utawahi. Na vice versa.

Back to hubris na complacency. We have a problem as brainiacs. We always see people around us who cannot even do a code-documentation of our simplest CSS. Najua wasee around me wenye my worst bugs are better and more optimized than their best code. But wana-live poa. Poa sana. Why? The answer is simple.

Seizing the opportunity. These people know that hawako poa. That how ni Carling cup. Na wewe ni Champions league. So to anything that comes their way, they specialize, seize and welcome it with open hands and open legs. To them failure is NOT an option. They specialize, finish and get paid.

Na sisi? Ahhh! Acha akitaka aende na project yake huko. Nina projects kama 15 kwa inbox. Kwani yeye ni nani?

And relationships die. And the rat-race continues.

Tafakari hayo. Wewe ni mnoma. You have skills most people will never master in a life-time of focus. Change your attitude, approach and perception, and you will have more than just change in your pocket. Still waiting for that first Kenyan USD Millionaire code. Pure code.

Back to code.

Wazi.

February 09, 2012

14:32

The truth about the whole A-lie, iHub and Nokia fiasco

» ‎ Idd Salim

Na bado. That was just a demo

Ok. Ok. Ok.

Kwanza give me a few seconds I cool down this erection.

(*10 mins later*). Ok. Jibaba jimelala. Now I have enough blood on my fingers to type this. Good day. Vichekesho tu hapa baba. This blog si ya tech. So kama hutaki kusoma some facts about life in KENYA, utanisamehe.

Let me get the truth out before sensational blog posts come flying out of someone’s posterior orifices claiming martyrdom.

There are some stupid and unfounded rumours about some ‘BigWig blogger’ being kicked out of iHub today morning. So, being at the iHub, I checked around and all the bigwigs were there. Happy, smillling and seated. Being treated like the self-respecting bloggers they are. Erik was there. MozKemz was there. Savvy was there. Kach was there. Mbugua was there. Weez was there. All the bigwigs and who-is-whos in the Kenya Blog scene were there.

So, Nikashangaa. Who is this BigWig? Ama tunaongea juu ya fudhi basi? Ama bass ya sauti? Ama the measure of Idiocy in GBs. Coz si brains ama content. All the bigwigs were INSIDE. Nje kulikuwa tu na kelele na vumbi.

I don’t think I can insult faggots all my life, then show up at Gypsies and hope to be served.

Like I said in this blog post about people and relations, You cannot insult the who-is-who in the Kenya TechScene, especially when you are a non-entity and just a copy-pasting hater with the IQ of an erection, then hope to walk in to the den of the elite, unchallenged.

One correction to an organization is ok. We all make mistakes. One pointing out of a legitimate mistake is OK. Even 100. Ask Safaricom. But insulting people for no reason. Just because they drive a better car than you and because your girlfriend DMs them daily? That is NOT acceptable.

For a moment at least, I thought tuna-watch porno at iHub when some moaning and screaming filled the air. I wondered who the screaming biatch was and looked outside. Maybe anaibiwa. Ama maybe ni coder mnoma amecheki code ya VB. Then nikaona ni jamaa. So, I wondered who the screaming faggot was. Then nikaona viatu. Chafu zime-beat utadhani the pair is called BEATrice ChapaNese. Ndio nijakua ni GutterPress.

But the times are changing.

Last year we gave Samsung and Safaricom an option. Either invite the REAL bloggers in Kenya for your cocktails, ama invite the GutterPress. Not both. We will not come.

The same holds for ALL other co-orporates.

According to @The_ONE_Adrian, this is what happened:

Na bado mzee. Na bado.

Back to code.

Wazi

February 02, 2012

7:13

The worm, the 3 mice and the rich Kenyan coder

» ‎ Idd Salim

All hail the master coder!!

Oh, pulchritude! Oh, pulchritude! Ohh, how thou possesseth nothing more that just sheer cutaneous profundity.

Ohh, how thy perception and effect withers when the rubber meets the road.

Ok. Ok. Sawa. Ehh! sitatumia ‘Oh’ ingine basi.

Naweza fanya maboyz fulani waanze kufikiria sabuni na kufeel homesick.

Tena naweza tumia another brobdingnagian word ilete noma. Ohh, anajiringa juu alienda stach. Ohh, anathani hatujui kutumia Google. Ohh, anajifanya anajua ngoso na ni ‘bhaite murume’. Fragile egos. Wakenya. So, acha hiyo stori iishie hapo.

As you know by now, sipendi ku-beat around the bushes. Mii huingiza tu mara once! I go in deep. I go blunt. Original content. Mkitaka kujua juu ya Facebook IPO na the Google Olga ‘Firing’, mtanunua gazeti. You did not come here to read duplicated content. That is for half-brains. So, acha leu tudiscuss minyoo, panya na maguru.

The story of the worm

We all know the story of the early bird and the worm. All factors remaining constant, the early bird catches the worm. But with all the real-world factors factored in, the early bird can only, realistically, catch the early worm. If the worm went out last night and over-sleeps, the early bird will have nothing to catch.

Hold that thought

The story of the 3 mice

The mice came up with a better story. The second mouse, that arrives late compared to the first one, is the one that gets the cheese. This is because the first mouse gets caught by the trap. And dies. Engaging the trap, and leaving the cheese lying there for a swift second mouse to cash in. But then comes a third mouse. Who waits for the greedy second mouse to get the small cheese and run with the feeling of VICTORY.

The third mouse analyzes the trap area and the store, then discovers where the small cheese was cut from. Then takes the entire loot home. Gets laid by the finest mice and praised by it’s mice peers. And lives happily and in abundance thereafter.

The Rich Coder

The fables continue. Enter the rich coder. Still a fallacy in Kenya. We are still yet to see a success story.

I am not talking of coders hired by organizations with funding to write code and get well paid. No. This is not the ultimate coder model. I am not talking about the ‘I work at Safaricom’ ama ‘I work for the UN’ type of coders. Not at all. Na nisiambiwe nimetukanana.

I am talking about the real self-made millionaires. I am talking about the One laptop, one idea, one team, one million dollars type of stories. This title is still vacant. This post is still un-taken.

Then comes the self-defensive: “What difference does it make HOW you get the scrilla, as long as you have the scrilla?”. You see, that is the type of reasoning that keeps many of us from becoming our own master. Systems have a shelf-life. A system that was THE SHIITTE in 2008 is just a good thing to look back to in 2012. The question becomes, what have you DONE OF LATE.

And that is where the pride of a coder and the opportunity to be super-paid comes in. That is how people remain relevant to the industry. Bettering yourself. Daily. Looking at the YOU of yesterday and saying: “That fool could not code.”

There is not a single Mobile App in Kenya that has been monitized. Is yours gonna be the one? If so, will it be the early bird, the second mouse, or the third? There isn’t a single IT Company that has done an IPO in Kenya (achana na ma-ISP kama AK nini nini. I am talking REAL IT), will you be the first one?

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

January 31, 2012

20:18

The 6 things coders need to say NO to

» ‎ Idd Salim

Sema YES tena uone!!

Well, as always, I speak about my life here. My experiences. My lessons. My big losses. My small victories. My unrelenting spirit.

Kuitwa guru na maboyz. The zeal. the Zest. Kuwa impressed. Kuwa humbled. Kuwa inspired.

Falling down. Dusting myself and asking life, “Is that the BEST you’ve got?”. Kuitwa daddy na madem. Kuchapwa kiboko na Safaricom.

Kukujiwa na heavily armed hired flying squad jamaaz. Kugongwa doo mob na my boy-hood friend from Isiolo because of one of my stupid attributes/weaknesses called trust/gentleman’s agreement.

But still I rise. Kama erection. Start small. Grow big. Mpaka the trouser can’t ficha you anymore. Throbbing with pure-blood. Pulsating with ambition and psyche and dreams. All in the quest for self-betterment..

You are as good as you want to be. As bad as you let yourself be. As rich as your hunger pushes you to be. As broke as your lethargy and stupid laziness makes you. The better you get in code. The better your apps become. There are no two ways about it. Code ni kama mti. Experience breeds prowess. Practice teaches you new styles. New models. In March, you become totally embarrassed to admit that the code you are reading was made by you last November. “Ni mjinga yupi aliandika hii code?”, you wonder.

Apart from unoma, balls of steel and better management of time and resources (money etc), life has taught this thugs a few NO lessons:

No to code-change

Change from you and the client. The client rarely orders code-change. Unless you befriend them. Never befriend the client to a level that mtazoena. Ni client. Si mamako. Akanje, mpe service na system poa, na hiyo stori iishe hapo. If you find yourself picking calls and code-changes from a client every 6 hours, then the relationship is messed up. Unless they pay for EACH change. And pay well. Si lunch. Si ngata. Doo.

The second type of change is the worst. As a ‘progressive coder’ I look at better ways of writing a certain function better. Make it faster. Make it use less memory and IOs. This, and I am ashamed to admit, is another problem I have. Personally. Code iliisha Dec, but Jan bado naicheki. The client is happy and the project has been signed off as delivered and OK, but bado napeana updates.

Bad habit. Client si mamako.

No to new projects

Project one itachukua 6 weeks. You are in it like an unborn baby inside the womb. You are 2 weeks in the project. You have already finished the tasks/milestones for week 4. Then an email/phonecall comes. “Kuna ka-job kanatakikana. Utalipwa 300k”. You gauge and see itachukua 4 weeks. Good pay, sio? 75k per week baba!! You take the project, inakuchukua 6 weeks juu ya changes mbili tatu. But imeisha. Bado tu documentation na reports kiasi tu. Kazi ya siku nne.

The client one calls. Job niaje? Phuuck!! Hata ile code thought-process ulikuwa nayo ya project one imeisha. Unaanza tena. Deadlines are not met. Client amejam. Anatuma flying squad wakukamie since they are for hire. Una-refund project 1. Lost contact. In the time taken, client 2 pia anageuka dame. Documentation na reports kadhaa bado. Na kuna vitu nne anataka zi-change. Ana PMS. See where this is going?

Uta-do what? Acha ku-play clients. Acha ku-play projects. Respect the code.

No to procrastination

“Ahhhh! Hii nitaifanya next week.” So this week ni just ku-chill. Kucheki madem na ku-tweet all day as if uko employed.

‘Next week’ inafika. Man Urinals wanalimwa sita. You can’t work juu ya stress. Your only source of joy in this life imelimwa. Time flies all week. Hauna psyche ya code. Client anajam.

Job ya leo mzee, fanya leo. Acha stori mob.

No to money from clients

I have seen this trick being used alot. I call it the kudanganya-poko trick. A client knows you are GOOD and wants to make you his/her bioatch. So anakupa doo na envelope. Kama 150k. Ndio ufanye project. Hata hamja-discuss scope etc. Unahepi. Finally umeget the dream client. Anakanja utadhani dame wa campo akigawa.

Then comes the master-stroke. Project ni demanding na ni BIGI utadhani ni ninii ya nanii. 6 months later, umeunda system unge-quote 4M for 200k per month for 6 months. Tu-handouts twa 50k per week. Si hiyo ni doo mob? Client sells your system for 10m+. “We paid you millions.” They tell you ukizusha.

Na hawajadanyanya. Wewe ndiye fala.

No to client’s dreams / partnerships

Ok. Kamoja tu basi kabla niambiwe nimetukanana.

“Manze we cannot afford to pay you the 1.2 M for 2 months that will take you to do the system, but wee unda hii system for 400k, then tutakupa 10% shares. Manze hii system itasell kama hot-cakes. Your 10% shares will be worth millions in 12 months”. Yeah. We have all heard that before. “Go phuck a tree”, is always my response.

I would rather get paid 200k leo, than 10M next week.

Unless they commit to that amount on paper. Mdomo ni ya BJ. Si ya contracts.

Ok. Sawa.

Back to code.

Wazi.

January 20, 2012

9:13

Silly/random brainwaves for Friday. Ball, madem na code

» ‎ Idd Salim

Idle... Idle... Idle...

Pool. Ball. Madem. Chess. Apart from pool ofcourse. Those are a a few of my favorite things.

Ok. I am a funny guy. I know.

Not funny queer or funny strange, but funny ‘HAHAHA.. Hapo umetuweza Salim!’.

And just like when you are a self-actualized coder, you let other people learn code and become as good as you are, because the more the merrier, when it comes to a good laugh, and someone cracks a good joke, I let them run the show.

Just let the brother/sister run the show. It helps.

I don’t add to the joke or do the Kenyan thing of ‘improving someone’s joke’, especially mbele ya madem. Ama mbele ya wasee wa Man U kama wewe ni shoga.

So, I was at Coco Jambo a few months ago with Muendo and Mugo, and some ‘funny’ Man U guy was cracking jokes about Arsenal. We were all laughing and having fun. Ofcourse, to the idiots surrounding him, they all sounded ‘kali’ and ‘unique’. But, bitch, I am on twitter and facebook. I know where Churchill and Co get their jokes. And he had joined the bandwagon. So, nikamuacha a-run the show. Until he went too far. And Idd Salim, the one, the only, had to step in.

Ilifika place aka-run out of ‘good’ Arsenal jokes. So, he said : “Jana niliuliza mtoto wangu, ‘What is 8 minus 2′.. Akasema ‘Arsenal’ … “, “HAHAAHHA, kali hiyo!! kali hiyo!!”, went the members of the sema-anything-tucheke-coz-unatununulia-beer crew. So, I interrupted the black I was about to double, stood upright, smiled and asked: “Mtoto wako?”, “Yes, my 11 year old bana!!”, he responded whilst high-fiving some hoes around him and giving his beer bottle the traditional and trademark manu-u-fan usiishe-haraka-woiyee bottle blowjob .

“He, lazima anakuwaga number last kwa class kila term. Mbona una-waste fees kwa mjinga kama huyo. Si ungeleta hiyo pesa ununue beer ingine at least.”. I know! Lights out!! Bar-fight!! Naah. Let us just say that hiyo joke illishia hapo. Nothing is sweeter than making a throng of hoes surrounding a funny-guy laugh at the funny-guy. Na madem hawanaga adabu. Walimcheka.

Na nikarudi kwa game ya pool, despite all the sasa-angalia-umetuharibia-rave looks from his crew. Fuck him! Na hiyo stori ikaishia hapo.

Madem nao hawajuagi when to call. I was being stressed the other week with some XMPP service optimization, and in the middle of a BOSH debug-session, dame fulani ananicall na anauliza, : “Vipi Salim!! How are things today?”, to which I, obviously, respond : “My things are ok. Big, black and thick. Just like last time you saw them. Ok, maybe bigger”.

Na ati akajam! Ni nini mbaya na watu? Unauliza 1+1, na nikisema 2 unafura? “Salim, I have a boyfriend. Don’t say such things to me!”, she retorted. “Then be faithful and focus on his things, sweetie.”, I responded, politely. Simu ikakatika. Ok, acha tuseme tu ni simu ilikatika. Nikarudi code! Oh, what bliss!!

Noma buda! Nakumbuka msee alinijamisha once nikamwambia, “The next time uko na dame yako ukim-plug-n-play na kum-FTP (f*cx the p*s*y), then acheke in the middle of your debug-session, hacheki juu ya ati venye uko na only 32 MB of RAM (get it?? RAM… as in Ramming? Hehehe, fala hii). Zii. Ni hii blog alisoma na akaona joke poa. Usimjamie. Bure.”

Ok, code niko karibu kuwa mnoma, finally. Soon, I will attain Level 3.7 of 10 of a coder. My dream is to reach level 4 by July, and by the way vitu zinaenda, siko mbali. So, that makes my list of must-gets for this year:

Beat Nahinga and Co in Chess.
Win at least 2 pool tournaments.
Build the I.S.I.O.L.O. *_iCluster
Teach at least 3 people how to code in Java/PHP, properly.
Go represent Kenya in the Pool World-cup in Blackpool in June.
Learn to swim.
Learn a language [Portuguese sanasana ama French as option 2].
Be a better me.
Add another Zero to that Bank Account.
Bas.

Back to code.

Wazi.

January 19, 2012

6:02

My beef with ‘Google Translate’ to Swahili

» ‎ Idd Salim

Punda Milia - Ass Mi Cry

As you all know, I am not the type to castigate anyone that tries everything within their means and fails. That would be ironic, hypocritical and downright Kenyan. That would make me an arm-chair critic.

I am in the business of failure. So far, 5.6 out of every 6 inventions I have tried to come up with has failed miserably. I have been told to give up, many times. But, I keep soldiering.

If I see a campus kid at Nailab/iHub with 17 bugs in his 5 lines of code, I will find a way to laugh about it WITH him/her and the fix the issues with/for them. And everyone goes home happy.

But then comes the other side of the coin. You look at the locus standi:

Google are touted to have the most rigorous developer grilling exercises during interviews. So they have the ‘best’ developers, thinkers etc.
They have gazzilions of USDs to poor in research on languages.
They even have a bloody LOCAL office in Kenya, the mother-land of Swahili, access to all the best Swahili professors/linguists in Africa.

But apart from butt-f**king mocality, I wonder what else their local office does.

Google in Swahili is the BIGGEST joke of all time.

Ok, Ok. Alright. Before the ‘google ni mama yetu’ team start getting all emotional and feeling as if their man-hood has been challenged, let us look at some few examples. Again, these are my views as IDD SALIM. Don’t victimize my cat or Arsenal. Ni mimi.

1 – Just because you are in Kenya, Google automatically shows you Gmail and Google.com in Swahili. Is this a racist joke? I always take this to mean that : “Hello fella, you are so illiterate and stupid, but the clever geniuses at google have translated the internet into your primitive language that even we don’t understand, so that you can use the Internet better. Bonyeza hiki kifungo [press this button]“.

This is the equivalent of seeing a black man enter a restaurant and automatically serving him chicken, before he even orders. This is the annoying and demeaning equivalent of seeing a skimpily dressed girl in a club and asking her ‘How much for the whole night’, before even ASKING for her name and finding out what the deal is.

Assumptions, Assumptions, Assumptions.

2 – The ‘switch to english’ cookie is timed and when it expires, The bloody service goes back to Swahili. So you can imagine how many times my neighbours and friends call saying : “Salim, it has gone back to Swahili. Please come and help again.”

3 – We would not complain like this if the translation was ACTUALLY in SWAHILI. (Ofcourse, It is only Salim who blogs about these things. The rest just complain in elevators and DM. Pussies.) The translation comes out as a Kindergarten attempt to Swahili. It is as if the translator teams just read “A complete Idiot’s guide to Broken Swahili” and then said, “Boss, we are ready”. Na wakaanza kazi.

Ok. Again. I know. NLP is the hardest part of Programming. But where does NLP apply on the Home page? On GMail Inbox? On Simple Search results page? That is a simple language file. Can’t google get that right? Is swahili translation something they REALLY take seriously, or is it just a hobby they gave to 3 Swahili Under-graduates from Yale/Stanford.

I think Google-Swahili should be taken offline and be given to UoN students as an excersize. Waget something better to do than throwing stones, waget doo kiasi, na pia wa-get bragging rights.

Let us have something Kenya, done PROPERLY by Kenyans, in Kenya.

Until then, it is a bad joke, in bad test.

Ni hayo tu.

Back to code.

Wazi.

January 10, 2012

20:30

2012 – Proving the arm-chair critics wrong

» ‎ Idd Salim

Kelele tu. Kelele. Ignore the Noise

It is a funny little world that we live in. Funny as f*ck, and sad at the same time.

For every 2 people who tell you ‘keep going’ and ‘never give up’, there are 13 more convincing people that tell you ‘hauwesmek’, ‘you are not good enough’, ‘it is impossible to do it’.

What makes it worse, is that the norm does not change. C and D students still interview, employ and manage A and B+ students.

So systems and policies come with D-level specs and schematics and the A-students are forced to shed-off their awesomeness so as to relate to the low-IQ specs and, soon, unless they get out, they become mediocre laborers.

As if this is not insulting enough to basic human intelligence, we now have C- and D people who have never done ANYTHING worth writing home about or typing online about, stand infront of men and women and DARE to CRITICIZE and JUDGE the independent A-grade hustlers of this small town. Just because they are ‘clever enough’ to open a twitter account and can type a WHOLE 140 characters in 80% correct English.

A month ago, I had a TL issue with Media Madness asking them to name a person who, they said, had DM’ed them stating that Moses Kemibaro was a collasal failure. Now, either I did not understand what failure was, or maybe I am too blinded by code and the DIY code of ethics to know when to stop, but I take anyone who wakes up and goes about their own hustle and is self-employed or self-unemployed more of a success, than a f*cking dispensable employee at ANY company in Kenya, sitting in-front of a company-owned PC and calling the hustlers, losers/failures.

Now, isisemekane Salim sasa ametukana employees. We all cannot be career people. Some of us were created to WORK our entire lives for other people and the VERY thought of quitting and becoming your own bosses is as scary as the offer for free castration. That is what you are. that is why people can afford to be on twitter and FB the whole day, still get paid, but at the back of their mind… when they sleep.. the WHAT IF creeps in. Ukivutwa job itakuwaje?

This year will be quite an interesting year. For me. First off, because I will no longer be a member of the iHub/NaiLab/mLab community. I waited till the last minute to re-apply for iHub Membership, and as Murphy’s law might have it, the connection acted up and my application was ‘never received’. So, my access was rescinded and all my privileges transmogrified. It seems “Made in Jammu” will be what I will slap on the ‘credits’ section of all my apps planned for this year.

Secondly, everything has finally come of age. The tipping point is here. The 10, 000 hours have been worked and toiled. Safaricom finally opened up all our connections. Mpesa, CSP etc. CCK Wame-behave. MCSK ndio hao pia. We finally now are our own. We will no longer need to take odd-jobs to stay afloat. We finally have the green-light to do OUR THING. Our Systems. Our CORE business. Thanks BC, EK, MM, AO and Nzioks.

And so, what needs to be done, you ask.

The list below is my list of my hustlemode modus operandi. It is, in no way, meant to convince or influence what anyone should do for 2012. I am just sharing what my experience has taught me.

IT contests/Developer contests

My personal (As in IddSalim’s only) opinion? Just a waste of time. And this is my opinion. Even my cat has no part in this. Hata sijaconsult my watchman before typing this. I might be wrong, but I see a 2-pronged failure in this setup.

1 – Ni kama KCSE. We used to cram to PASS the exams. Not to UNDERSTAND the contents and get educated. In the developer contents, apps are created to WIN the contest. Not to be sustainable. After the developers win the money, get a few TV interviews and appear on a newspaper or 2, that is it! System kwisha. twendeni Mombasa sasa. Nikiendelea nitaambiwa, ohh, nimetukanana, ohh, sipendani.

2 – The contests are not for the DEVS. The are for the brands.

It is better spending 2 months of your time improving a core product you believe will work and get you traction and coins, than to shoot in the dark for a quickie. That said, IF you have time and the required skillsets, go for it. But never let the fact that you are coding for a contest affact your bottom-line. Sawa?

Grants and Investors

Every year. Same winners. So, why bother? Why try to kiss a lesbian? Again, this is my opinion. Even my cat has no part in this. Hata sijaconsult my watchman before typing this. I might be wrong.

I will not go all gutter-pressy and say that the winners were already pre-determined, but let me say that if you, a USD 200 start-up with a VERY promising app applies for a grant in Kenya, then a Million Dollar company applied, also, THEY will get the funding. Not you. F*ck you and all your bright ideas. Why?

People without money cannot be trusted with money.
Success is seen to breeds more success.
No track-record works against you.

Ironic, isn’t it? You would think these funds were availed to help START-UPS.

Then again, I might be wrong. Na ni Salim amesema. Si wasee wote wa Arsenal.

Wewe unda system yako, isimame poa kama mti (as in tree, acha stori mob) then wasee watakamu na doo. Usisake. Doo ni kama dame. Ukisaka, inaringa na inahepa. Ukiilenga, inajipa.

Doing ‘Your own’ setups

Please don’t do this. You are a start-up, you don’t have all the money in the world. Ama the skillsets. Etc. Partner with solution providers.

If you need hosting, don’t buy/setup your own Servers. Get a Safcom Cloud. Usianzishe yako.
If your system requires outgoing bulk SMS, open an account at www.tumasms.com. Usianzishe yako.
If you need to support Mpesa/CC etc in your App, talk to Moca or PesaPal. Usianzishe yako.
If you need to be able to have redundant MySQL/Apache instances, talk to Symbiotic. Usianzishe yako.

Vitu simple-simple, na we will make 2012 the stress-free year that we all finally achieve unprecedented mkwanjalization. Na hauko employed. Au sio?

Ni hayo tu mayabuz na waroro.

Back to code.

Wazi.

December 27, 2011

17:04

My life-lessons for 2011, the foundations for 2012

» ‎ Idd Salim

You decide. The rest is noise.

And here we are, little boys and littler gals. Big boys and big gals. My friends and friendettes. My haters and haterettes. My wannabes and wannabettes.

7 days to end of 2011. My personal success-rate is 45%.

For every 10 things I was involved in, 4 failed. 3 worked 100% and the other 3 are either ongoing or postponed, but not failed.

In each failure, each disappointment, each postponement, I made sure I got a lesson from it. Ofcourse, I could be all Kenyan and be like “Mungu hanipendi” or “Hii no sababu ya Arsenal” or “This happens to everyone” or ‘These deals ni za watu wana connections” or “Ni hawa clients washenzi sana” or any of the 72 commonly-used Kenyan excuses for failing. Alternatively, I could ask myself : “Where did I fail?”. And it is in this question that I found the best answers.

Accepting responsibility. The project failed because of ME. My laziness. My postponing. My lack of focus. Not the delayed payment. Not Safaricom. Not power. Not lack of hot water in the shower. Not that mosquito. Me. And that brings us to lesson 1.

Blame yourself {“always” | “most of the time”}

Always. This will make you push yourself further. Make sure your work is done. And a huge chuck of theirs. I found myself in a project where we were 8 people, working in 3 teams. My team had 2 people. We made sure our work was done. But had nothing to show, still, because our chunk was 40% of the project.

What to do? Wait for teams B and C to finish, lazily and un-interested like they were, or do THEIR part for the common good. We chose the later. We did work for A, B and C. Project worked like a charm. Teams B and C were praised and paid for their part. Me and my team-mate just smiled. But the project was delivered. That is what mattered.

It is easy to say, “tumemaliza part yetu, ni hao wamebaki”. Makes you feel good and fast. These other teams are the weak links. BUT to the project and the client, 40% is not 100%. The client wants 100%. Who did it is irrelevant. Internal team wrangles and delays should be hidden from the client. Blame yourself, even if you are not to blame.

Achana na ball

I remember going to Unix-Guru Kelly’s lair with my Old Dual-Core 4 GB Ram laptop. It had an Arsenal sticker next to the Keyboard. Nice and sleek. “Toa hiyo sticker Salim”, he ordered. I started thinking: “Well, this is Kelly, and I worship him as far as Unix/Linux is concerned. But who the hell does he to think he is, to tell me to remove the Arsenal sticker? My beloved Arsenal.”

“You don’t know how many deals umenyimwa, after a good demo and presentation, just because of that sticker.”, he said. I was enlightened. Arsenal si yetu. It is just a weekend hobby.

Well, call it whatever your silly brain feels like. My team, My identity. This is what/who I am. All that bullshit. But as soon as your wise/business brain wakes up, you will realize that MAYBE, just MAYBE, it was that silly football tweet on Sunday, that made your not get ONE signature on your contract.

For employed people and pussies who do not use their real names or avis on twitter, this is not an issue. But for a brand and a hustler, it is a BIG issue. Insult Arsenal/Man U/Chelsea once and you will keep wondering why hamshindi grants, why ile contract hai-signiwi. Why kindergarten-code Company X got the deal, and you did not. It is fun to tweet and have a few followers retweet. But the ramifications are far-reaching.

Leave the Dog-fight to the Dogs

It was on a cold Saturday night. I was with Buju driving from Rongai, back to Zimmerman. I received a call from someone who Identified themselves as Robert. He stated that the Rwandese Government was hiring Hackers from Kenya to hack anti-government websites and wanted to know if I was interested. I respectfully declined.

Little did I know that I had created an enemy, by practicing my right to say NO. The rest is history. Tweets. Blog posts. Matusi. Etc.

And you will notice. Anytime I meet a pest on twitter, arguing about ball, Mac vs PC, Gals vs Vaseline etc, I always let them win, unless we are talking FACTS and NUMBERS. Some people are programmed that once you toa ONE point, they immediately result to insults and get all personal.

I let the dogs do the dog-fight. I am too elite for that. I am Salim.

Clean up as FAST as possible. Make your plate empty.

Out of every 3 small-money and boring projects that I did, I was passed by one BIG and Lucrative project. Lucrative and rewarding in terms of money, exposure, purpose and intellectual challenge.

It is a very sad thing to look at a project, know it will take 4 days of focus to finalize, you tell the client it will take 4 weeks, and then 2 months later, there are some unfinished bits of that system. I will not get into why this happens and how to solve it. It is well talked about here.

Lesson: Give the project the respect it deserves and FINISH it. It will give you the time you need to do the others. Again, if you are GOOD enough, alot of projects will come to you. Don’t assume a project will do itself. get in there and FINISH it.

Only you can do it

This fact cannot be over-emphasized. Only you can decide whether you fail or succeed. Simple as.

I failed in my application for membership at the iHub, and so I will not be going there anymore. Ofcourse, this has pros and cons, but I believe what I will miss in on-site presence will be over-shadowed by what I will gain in productivity. This is a good thing, I think.

Back to code.

Wazi.

December 20, 2011

11:25

My 3 challenges to all coders for a better 2012

» ‎ Idd Salim

Tuko down wasee. ki IT.

Kubalini na hiyo stori iishe, so that we can move on and ameliorate our locus standi.

Haki, why lie? Tuko down kama BJ ya CD. Kaa dance-floor ya Rezorous. Kama mixing ya DJ Joe Mfalme. Acha nisiendelee na examples niambiwe nimetukanana.

Some people I know wamekubali, and working hard to fix this. Some people I know bado wana skills za Adebayor, but wanadhani hao world-class striker.

Cheki. The IT profession is being taken as a con. Projects haziishi. I have been in this situation before. So, I asked myself, “Salim, what is the problem? Is it the money? Is it distractions? Is it skill-level?”. Na sasa I have compiled a list of things we need to do in 2012, to COMMAND some RESPECT in this modafoka.

It is about time all this bullshiite stopped. Na I, personally, will be a MAJOR player in 2012 in this course.

Hizi ndizo issues.

Psyche/Ability vs Capacity issues: The top, top coders are few. The versatiles ones (msee mnoma graphics + Code + Servers + Networking) are even fewer. So, this types get ALOT of jobs. The end-product? NONE of the jobs get finished.

Why? Here is why. A project has 3 parts. The easy bit (wireframes, configs), the interesting and challenging (code, DB, unit-tests) bit na the fuckin-boring bit (UAT, training and documentation). Most projects reach a phase where it just BORES the coder. The money is never an issue. Hata kama unalipa msee 200k per week, bado atafika place ashindwe kumaliza. Unakuta project 1 and 2 zimefika boring-phase (i.e. 70% done) na msee ameanza project 3.

Projects zinakuwa kama madem. Wakati project one inanyesha (reaches boring phase), unaanza na 2. The 2 inakuwa tamu sana. Unalenga one. Client ameanza ku-call? But 2 inakusugua poa. One inaanza kupata software-rot. Hata ushasahau what you were coding. Thought process isha-lost. Ukiirudia ni kama unaanza tena.

Solution: Learn the skills on how to finish a BORING project. (or at least the boring bits). Here are some pointers:

Tunaweza na tutafanya vs Tumefanya issues: A client talks through a problem and you can already see the solution. An overview by the client, only gives birth to an overview by the developer. But the devil and all his 72 sluts are in the details. A simple project becomes a night-mare when that SMALL item that you thought uta-google, returns ZERO results and, to the client, is the BACKBONE of the system.

Solution: The assumption that all we need to do is WIN the project quote and we will get a coder to do that, should always be frowned upon. If you have NEVER done a system before for fun, chances are that you will NOT be able to do it for money. Experiment alot with ALL the things a language can do.

Java? Use regexes, XML, RMI, RPC, Hibernate, Spring, J2ME, Android. Experiment. Experiment. Experiment.

PHP? Do OO. Do classes. Do ORM. Do MemCached. Do Regexes. Try Curl, not fopen(url). Try Mysql and Postgres. Experiment. Experiment. Experiment.

So that when the time comes, Umefanya. Si Utafanya.

Mobile vs Web issues: We all know that Manual na Auto driving are different. Any gal worth her salt will tell you that kidole si ulimi. Any investment broker will tell you that shares are not bonds. And that is what we need to respect.

The challenge here is to get deep. Don’t beat around her bushes. Get in there. Know it deep. Kama unafanya Android, understand simple things like the 20-small–individual-image-files vs one-big-image-file network/phone IO considerations. Understand simple technologies like XML, JSON etc. Don’t just re-use googleCode, challenge yourself beyond the project scope. Beyond the money.

Learn to be good. Super good! Always criticize yourself. Not just good enough to finish a project and get paid and laid.

Do a FULL project bila googling or using the manual. Ask a coder you know is good for a copy of their pet projects. Read their code and make love to it. Understand it. Feel it. Know it. Don’t cram it. Challenge yourself to Reiwrite it. That is the ONLY way ya kuwa mnoma.

Expectations:

These done, then we can finally call ourselves “wanoma”. We are super-good, we can code bila googling, we have ‘faced and solved’ any challenge a client can throw our way, we deliver 10 days before due-date. Everytime.

@Buggz79 call this Integrity. @Mmuendo calls it ‘a perfect balance between relations and delivery’, @mbuguanjihia calls it ‘leaving the client speechless’. I call it “kuwa mnoma”.

This is what I will do in 2012. Are you with me?

Back to code.

Wazi.

December 19, 2011

12:39

Part 2 – The other 4 types of Kenya tweeps

» ‎ Idd Salim

Noise, is all I hear

Ok. Ok. Sawa. Nimekubali. I will talk about them today basi. Relax kwanza I tuliza this massive erection ndio my literary blood i-flow vipoa. Siwezi type fast nikiwa nime-steady.

Nice. Jimti jimelala.

Last week I talked about the 5 most common types of tweeps in Kenya. My Gawd! Sijui niache kuongea juu ya technology nianze muchene pia, ama? Hits 23k from 1700+ people reading the post. In one day. All I could say, was, thank you.

So, since one bite is never enough, how about tuendelee na the other 5. Sikutaka kutaja some tweep-types since sipendi kujamisha wasee. So leo nita-mention the other 5. Ok, I will just taja 4. The remaining 1 ni fyamiest.

Jana kulikuwa na Ball kali. Team Kubwa Arsenali vs Team Kubwa-for-now, Citeh. {Warning: Man U fans should skip mpaka the Man-uSafe Section in red-Below.} You have been warned. read on at your own emotional risk.

Ofcourse, fans wa Man-Shoga Yawwwnited walikuwa in Maputo town all dressed in their nylon Jerseys, sipping one beer for hours. I thought it was only Kenya where these people are broke fulltime na kuna Jerseys za Nylon za AIG (Arsenal Is Great) and AON (Another Oblivious Nitwit). After defeating Arsenal’s injury/suspension depleted 3rd 11 8-2 kwao at old trafford, and seeing the BEST first 11 of their cartoon-network team ass-raped 1-6 at home by citeh, they were placing bets on 10-0 or 15-0 win to City. Ohh, how oblivious these nitwits are.

The team with the better goal-keeper won. It was as simple as that. And I congratulate city. Hawakuangukia. Ohhh, No. This team is the real deal for EPL 2011/2012.

One thing that Man Urinal fans have to talk about is that Arsenal have not won anything for 6 years. I always laugh at this, given the fact that Man Urinals under The Wonderful Sir Alex Ferguson went trophyless for 8 (EIGHT) years. Only 1 out of every 13000 Man Urinals glory-hunting yappers know this. Oblivious. Most fans ni wa 2004 onwards, anyway. So you can never blame an idiot for being themselves.

Lastly, most Arsenal fans watch an Arsenal Game on a Sato and on Sunday, they are watching Tennis or F1. Moving on. Diversity baba! On Thursdays, Man U fans are still talking about Rooney venye alifunga last sato. To most, their ONLY source of joy in life ni ball. Sad.

Man-uSafe Zone

Good, Achana na Ball sasa. “Sasa, what are these 4 categories”, you ask.

Type 6 – My whole pride/being depends on Twitter

While in campus, UoN, we used to greet each other as ‘Sema fala’, to which you were expected to respond, ‘poa fala’. We knew nothing is ever that serious. Relax. Have some looseness in you. The same is assumed on twitter. More often than not, when I want someone to follow me, I tell them: “Wewe. Ni-follow ama utajua maana ya gwoko”, and the person knows it is a joke. And follows. And life goes on. And we are all happy.

But there are some few individuals. Anything that does not sound to them like ‘you are the best, tallest and you have the roundest balls’ will be responded to furioso. ‘phucks’ and ‘SOBs’ and ‘go phurqk yourselves’ will follow.

I once posted an article/blog laden with facts about such a fella. And little did I know, that kumbe nimempa kazi. At least I am contributing to the economy.For 8 months, it was all unrelenting research about the last 10 years of my life. Looking for dirt and and anything to smear. Ofcourse, the idiots found nothing. But naaah! That did not stop them. How about we cook some stories. Mention his name. get some hits.

Unless you have balls of steel and clits of diamond, avoid this type. Watakustress.

Type 7: The TL is my Diary crew.

Nimeamka. That toothbrush was so hard. Nasugua magoti. Naosha thighs sasa. Ohh yes, feels so good, smooth and wet. Navaa nguo polepole. Now closing my house. Nimeingia Matt. Dere leo anasmell chlorine. Karao anataka hongo. Nimefika job. Omg I am late. The dude/mamsilla in the next office ana ninii poa. Njaa nayo!! Lunchtime! Nimekula nimeshiba. Acheni niende choo. He! Nimemaliza manze na nahisi nimekonda ghafla. 4 haifiki leo! 4 Imefika! Acha niende home! Nimefika home! Hakuna stima! Fuck! Manzi yangu ananyesha. Fuck! Boyie wangu ako down ki-bed kama IT Skills za graduates wa Strath. Naingia bed sasa! Mattress so hard utadhani elbow ya rooney. Kuna baridi!! Insomnia! I need a life.

Come on. Really?

Type 8: Arsenal/Manchester ni mama yangu

Ok. Sitaongea juu ya Man U. Najua nina mafans huko pia. But I will talk about these tweeps that login only on Tuesday nights and Saturdays (Editor: Ok, Salim Ongeza thursday baba. Kuna teams zinacheza Europa). Ball ndiyo life. Handles zao ni za football team/player name. Kama ni wa Man U, the only thing wanajua ni 8-2. Kama ni wa Arsenali, the only thing wanajua ni 1-6 at home. Kama ni Liverpool, ofcourse, hawajui any.

These tweets are the most re-tweeted disses and insults. Things from hamjashinda 1-trophy-in-6-years to The Mighty Arsenal fans to “mnasupport team haina mwafrika, hata sweeper ama cook, na mnajiita independent” to the fans of the Great Man U.

Type 9: Guru wa Kuanzisha TT

I once heard someone describe herself as a habitual TT starter. Someone who is the FIRST to start a trend like, #ujingaNi or #GoteaHioRisto #justToConfuseMyEnemies. Ofcourse, only one out of every 1000 attempts work, and so, the self-unemployed lot of us at iHub can never be seen doing this, but there are quite a few fellas who have perfected the art.

These fellas have the correct amount and types of wollowers and fall in the category that Malcolm Gladwell refers to as ‘The Mavens’ in The Tipping Point. There are not necessarily the cleverest, etc, but these fellas are influential and anything they start is like a wildfire. Brands should hire them. Politicians WILL hire them in 2012 to their benefits.

Back to Fun. No code leo.

Wazi.

December 16, 2011

10:36

The 5 types of Kenyan tweeps

» ‎ Idd Salim

I had an exhausting but very fruitful day yesterday in terms of code-work. Finished some Javascript code and some PHP code and the few pending SQLs for the system deployment I am doing in Mozambique. Everything worked perfect and everyone is all smiles.

More details on an Internet or a newspaper near you soon.

So, when I reached my hotel and the concierge asked me ‘how my day was’, I was about to tell her that, ‘my day was long, hard but deeply satisfying. Just like my dick’. But my manners logged on and I just smiled and lied. “Meu caminho foi ok. Apenas muitas detrabalho” (My day was ok. Just a lot of work).

And, so, it came to pass. Logged on to twitter and saw some tweets bitching about the latest MediaMadness blog-post. I don’t read the blog, but I decided to go and check. It, seems, apparently, that we can no longer write what we want in our blogs. We must all seek public approval. All blogs are read independently, but judged and discussed by the ‘experts’ on twitter.

And that brings us to today’s topic. (Unaona venye mimi mFyam foreplay? Si sasa uko ready kuingia deep into the types of tweeps?). I have used twitter for a little under one year now. I have seen enough to come up with 5 types of tweeps. Maybe the Twitter Kenyan Faggots’ channel has 2 more types, but we will talk about that later.

Type 1: Sisi ni experts na gods

These are the Kenyan gods. What they say is law. Disagree with them even on the color of water and you will be frowned upon. An outcast. Mjinga. They know everything to do with Finance, Stocks, Banking, Postinor and even pre-mature ejaculation. Some, even try to talk about Technology. Sadly.

You must re-tweet their every mention/tweet and lick their asses twice a day to remain on their good side. This group MUST be greeted every morning, late-morning, lunch-time, afternoon, evening and night. Without your goodnight tweet, they cannot sleep.

They operate in model that has come to be known as #SatchuMode. (Discl: Any resemblance of that # to any tweep handle is purely coincidental). They retweet their every mention, and retweet their every retweet. Mpaka characters ziishe. Then TwitLonger.

This is the type that is followed by 8000+ people, but only follow under 120 people.

Type 2: Twitter ni Facebook

Mostly small, emotionally unstable girls. Everytime their boyfriend cheats on them with an avocado, they will rant on twitter about how life is hard, how LOVE is hard to find and fill our TLs with ‘WHY’s and SOBs.

The second category in this type are the #NP crew. Once in a while, it is cool to share a cool video. But telling us about every-song in your Mix, is so #MKZ.

Type 3: Twitter ni ya Mama yangu

Say ONE word about them and you will face the wrath of Satan herself. This group takes all tweets and mentions personally. They are normally antagonistic and what MMK would describe as ‘attention whores’.

Type 4: Twitter ni Mama Yangu

Long time ago when we were still human, we would run to mamma and cry our little hearts out when things went wrong. Nowadays, it has all changed. ‘I know he is cheating on me’, ‘My left nipple hurts’, ‘She does not like me’. Fuck that shiite. Ever heard of TMI?

Type 5: Twitter ni KiliMangano

Ohh, don’t we all love this? That hot news presenter or celeb that you spent cans of Vaseline thinking about. She is just one tweet away. No need to ask for phone numbers any more.

I once heard someone say: “Kila mtu twitter anamangana na kila mtu twitter”. No better place for faggots to try lines on you than a TL or DM. Juu kama wewe si msee wa Man-United aka BackTackle aka Reverse-Engineering, hutamvunja. Na of-course, after 100 attempts, hawezi kosa mjinga ataweza ku-convinciwa kuwa Maandazi ni Keki.

“Salim, DM, in most cases, ni short for ‘Dinya Mtu’”, she said. I rested my case. Tukaenda out. Nikaenda in.

Back to code.

Wazi.

December 14, 2011

15:12

My day 5 of 13 in Maputo

» ‎ Idd Salim

And so it came to be. I could not take it anymore. Stress, phone-calls, SMSes, DMs, Emails, Pokes, WallPosts.

Nikaona nitadedi.

And, so, when the opportunity to get away from everyone, and STILL do something code-related, presented itself, I took it with open-arms and open-legs. Non-Literal, ofcourse.

So, Friday morning I took a cab from home at 5am and headed to JKIA for my 745am flight. Being, KQ (Kenya Queerways), I knew the departure time was anything between 7:46 am and 11am. And they did not disappoint. The steward on duty ‘fell sick’ and they had to bring a late replacement. They cannot fly without a steward, apparently. Ama ni hostess? Sijui hata. Anyway, the female who stands at the entrance and tells you ‘Seat number 14E, Down, left.’. Ohh, what would we do without her? We would, all, probably end up in the cockpit. We can find our way to JKIA and dress up properly but we need someone to show us where to sit.

And, so we left. Reached Maputo after approximately 3.8 hours. The first thing they check is your yellow-fever documents. Then you go to immigration check if you have a VISA or go to the registration desk if not. I admired their fingerprint Login service they had. No keyboards for login. It costs USD 66 to get a Moz visa. Exactly 66 USD. They refused to serve me and my work-mate because, of-course, being me, all I had were USD 100 notes. So I had to part with USD 140 as a penalty for thinking, even for a moment, that they have change.

Mr Phil picked us from the airport and we left for the hotel. Ofcourse, we saw the Samora Machel round-about ‘grave’ and the various beautiful NEW buildings in the town.

We came to learn that there is a mine-all-you-can deal between the Moz Government and China. Chinese build ‘FREE’ buildings and roads, and can mine ALL they want from Mozambiques rich mine-fields.

Language

There are 3 documented official languages in Moz. Portuguese, Shona and Swahili. Fuck me! Swahili my foot. No one I have met (apart from our nice and ever-smiling hosts) can put together one sentence in English. You are frowned upon when you speak English. Seen as a foreigner. Here to take their money and configure their foreigner-loving females’s drive Cs.

I decided to go and see what a Night-life is like in Maputo. Apart from the Strip-joint street of Bagamoyo lane, the other place Google suggests you go to is ‘Coconut Disco’. Disco? Wtf??

So I decided to go. From my hotel to Coconut was like from Nakumatt Junction to iHub. Or from The Mall to Museum. Sawa? Kama hujaelewa that distance, hamia Nairobi. Fala. The Fare was 300 MT. MT (Meticals) is the official currency of Moz. 28 MT is USD 1. Yes. They have a VERY strong currency here. Na bado tunawacheka. 1 MT is KSHS Pie (22/7 or 3.14).

I reach the club at 10 to the utter surprise of the bouncers and management. Maputo clubbing starts at 11PM. Earliest. That is when clubs open. This must be a bloody Kenyan. They could not understand. Club saa nne ajeaje? So I had to go to some near place and play pool. These fuckers can’t play. And again, they were offended that I could imagine they were stupid enough to speak English. I was put as last in the queue.

Now you see me, Now you don’t

The cost of living in Maputo is 2.5 Times Nairobi. Kila kitu. Prices are Satanic. Entrace to the Coconut lounge was 400 MT. Fanya Hesabu. Over KSHS 1300. But once you enter, you begin to understand why. Especially if you have a ‘swagger’, like yours truly. Sitasema mengi. Usiku ikaisha.

Every single restaurant costs like Tratorria. Hata kama hawana mlango. Menus, road-signs, bar-men, waitresses, Police (eh, acha hiyo story), the concierge. Wote. No one speaks English.

I asked one pulchritudinous (and I am talking about post-cutaneous profundity here) female I had the pleasure of talking to, why this was the case. “If you come here, you MUST speak our language. We will not learn yours.” She said.

Ni hiyvo tu. Sina mengi ya Ku-add. More as I explore?

Back to code.

Wazi.

December 06, 2011

12:52

The 4 types of CODERS all people/investors should avoid

» ‎ Idd Salim

Beware of the trap This thought-process in the form of an article was requested by NipateNdaniYaMtandao as a flipside of this article that I wrote last week about the coder’s night/day-mares.

There are alot of posers who promise a client heaven and end up disappointing the people. This brings a bad name to coders in general.

Jobs start getting sent to India and Sri Lanka. Why? Because the client had ONE bad experience.

S/he said:

next tym write on how investors can notice fake coders and run from them lyk a plague …wanadanganya they can do magic n they cant even do anything…they lie to clients then make guys hate kenyan coders after such experiences…u knw many clients will pay u money to develop something they want,if u cant hack say so early, dont hepa jus coz the guy is in a high office n cant come get you at the ihub or at some hostel.

Before that, however, I would like to add another type of people coders need to avoid. As Brian Wangila pointed out:

The common one I have met is “You just do this one cheap for me and I’ll refer you to my many big friends”…RUN AWAY VERY FAST!!

I have met quite a number of these. This is commonly referred to as the “You just get one foot inside” crew. Yeah. They they break the foot. The “By the time we are done with you, you will go straight to CMC or DT Dobie” people. These people pretend/claim/purport to know everyone in town. They were either in school with them, hang out with them every week or play golf with them. “He is married to my sisters, half cousin’s nephew”. You have a system you want to sell to Safaricom? Don’t worry. Bob Collymore is my close friend since childhood. I am Evah’s neighbor. I bought Nzioka a few drinks last week. Run like a hawker after sighting a Kanjo.

Now, back to the lecture at hand.

I speak from personal experience. Being once a coder in distress. Once a hand2mouth coder. Once a code-for-food IT pro. Ask anyone I tried to do a side-project with from 2010 backwards and you will be filled with stories of gloom. I was often described as : “Someone who is very talented, but cannot focus enough to finish a system”.

Ofcourse, alot has changed. But every day, I see young people in the same predicament. The CORE problem is valuation. Of under-valuation, for that matter. Needing to make 120k a month, a coder who under-values his/her worth will take on 4+ jobs in one month, each worth 20k-30k, just to get enough money to cater for their expenses. There is stark reference between this coder and one who will NOT take a small job. Nowadays, I am slowly finding myself doing ONE project for a whole month for, let’s say, USD 2500, Instead of 6 projects for USD 400 each. The 6 will kill you, you will deliver NONE and now, you owe 6 people money you don’t have.

I once had a rich-kid client bring a heavily armed flying-squad team to my place of work because of a USD 1200 owing on a delayed project. It was like a movie. 8-Armed men to arrest Salim. But that is a story for another day. That will NEVER happen again.

I have fewer clients nowadays, but they pay like a modafaka. And I am happy. And the clients are happy. That, I believe, is the way to live.

So, how does an investor/client pin-point a hand2mouth coder.

1 – I/We can do it all

The most common trait is the ‘YES’, ‘YES’, ‘YES’ response. You want a system that has Mobile, MobileWeb, iOS, Android and a J2ME interface? They can do it all. They have not specialized in anything and know a little bit of alot. I am not saying that people who know alot are phony. No. There are people I know who are diverse enough to do the 5 genres above, and more. But they are few and VERY expensive. What should give you a good-night’s sleep is the talk of collaborations. “We can do Web and Mobile, but will partner in our own contractual terms with our Sister/Fellow Company B that will do the Android version”.

This is a statement of acceptance of ones limits and a proof of access to a network of experts and specialists.

2 – They are too young

Ok. Gone are the ‘Kazi kwa vijana, Pesa kwa Wazee’ days. In IT, one can be as good and as awesome at 18, like one at 40. But as a Kenyan coder who has been trained the Kenyan way, there are things you JUST have not been exposed to, and it takes time and age to get the access/experience needed. A 24 year-old who claims to have managed a corporate-grade BSD and NT network, worked with Iso8583 and has mastered the FIX protocol, is a liar. With some exceptions, ofcourse.

My personal belief is that one needs to be at least 30+ years to really KNOW so much as to be able to make a Million Dollar Company in Kenya. You do not have to share this belief. Passion is ageless. I know some people at iHub and NaiLab who are under 30 but have the passion of a 32 year old. But when it comes to recommendation and investments, I will always pick experience and maturity over sheer exuberance and raw bravado much.

3 – It will only take a week

If the time-lines are too good to be true, they probably are. This cannot be overemphasized. A web design job that comes with branding and merchandise cannot take 4 days. A Social-network cannot be built from scratch in 2 weeks. Well, it can be downloaded from the web and painted blue in two days, but most of the times, that is not what you are looking for as a client.

4 – We will do it at half-price

This is the project-hijacker crew. Be wary of a deal that is too good. If a company X has quoted an amount A, then company Y quotes A/2, then maybe Company Y needs the money, more that they want to deliver your project. Think about it.

Nikiendelea nitaambiwa nimetukanana.

Back to code.

Wazi.

December 02, 2011

20:12

The 5 types of people all CODERS should avoid

» ‎ Idd Salim

I am your best bet.

In my life and times in the Kenyan TechScene (real, tech, not tekemangumi), I have met all kinds of people. All types of naysayers and arm-chair critics. All kinds of cooks and watchmen who think they can speak intelligently about computer network security just because they have 5-year experience in handling the server room Solex keys.

But that is not the topic for this blog post. I am taking 5 minutes of your very busy lives to tell you about 5 types of people you should run away from as fast as possible, only if fleeing is not an option.

1 – The “My young brother is also a coder” crew

I have met countless members of this crew. These are people who are doing you ‘a favor’ by giving you a project. So, they expect you to accept the lowest price for the job. Instead of the 120k you ask for the job, they will want you to accept 15k and, as a bonus, baby-sit their cat for a day, just to show them how much you appreciate their kindness.

I mean, they could have given this system to their brother who is in the US and can do it in a week, but they decided to support local employment and Kazi kwa Vijana by giving you the project that you say will take 6 weeks.

2 – The “I used to code a few years back” gang

If I had a boob for every time I have heard this story, I would have my own Mount TitiManjaro. These are normally old/older people who did 14 lines of Cobol code in 1992 and some HelloWorld Pascal code in a NONAME001.pas file in 1997. Then they decided they are better cooks than coders. Now, they can stand infront of men and women and bleet, “I used to code, nikaacha. Najua Java Kiasi na C prus-prus nusu. Hata najua kuadika SQerr Statemates.”.

They will belittle every use of technology that you employ with the hope that you won’t charge alot. Or at all. #CoderSpirit. Avoid these like a plague.

3 – The “You develop it for FREE then we share on the profits” team

Ok. You know yourself. The 11+ (and counting) people who have approached me with ideas and systems. We discuss the details, discuss the workings and revenue models. Sometimes, I, Stupidly, start the project. Then the question arises, “What’s your budget for the work?”. And they look at me as if I have asked them to lick their elbow. “Salim, this is a BIG project with limitless potential. I can pay you 200k now, or give you 20% shares that will be worth millions once the system gets traction.”. Well, biatch, f**kin pay me!

I have my own dreams. Don’t involve me in yours.

Picture this. You call your landlord and tell him: “Mr Landlord. Sina rent for the next 6 months, but kuna system Noma naunda na once imeiva, then nitakulipa rent ya 5 years. Acha nikae keja for free for now.”. What will the landlord say?

4 – The “I am the genius, you are just a coder” type

This is close to the above. Only they see themselves as master thinkers and strategists. They will want you to drop all you are doing, and ‘take this golden chance join them’. Everything else makes no sense, if it is not from them.

You are just a tool to actualize their awesomeness. All you do is code. Kama si hao, your code means nothing.

Try this for a day. Take away your code, and watch all their BIG ideas turn to vapor. Just like that.

Ideas are like bar-talk about getting laid. Everyone has 1000 of them. But it is Code that changes Ideas to PRODUCTS.

5 – The “Don’t worry about money”

“Wewe chora code. Achana na stori za doo.”, they tell you. Then after work, they drop you at the Matatu stage in their BMW. You have 200 bob in the pocket. You are the coder, without who, the company/partnership will collapse. But you are a coder, right? You code for love. Not money. Clubbing ni ya idlers. Gari ni za masonko. Madem wote ni mapoko. Sio?

Don’t believe that fallacy. If you are not earning over 100k per month as a coder over 22 years, then hauko serious. Money is KEY to your peace. Your happiness. Your productivity. Get the money. I cannot overemphasize this.

Back to code.

Wazi.

November 29, 2011

11:20

The challenge of online reputation management in Kenya

» ‎ Idd Salim

Dem speaketh from dem azzes

They say, you can take a rabid Dog to Lodwar, but once it gets fare to Nairobi, it will return as just a tanned rabid dog. Nothing More. And the tan disappears. And then it goes back to it’s rabid ways – Chapa-nese Saying.

I was called at a meeting today. The topic was, online reputation management (ORM).

The Agenda was, how do we handle the e-smearers and gutter-press? The perpetual/full-time ones and the seasonal ones (e.g. Next year because of elections).

It is a sad state on the net. I have talked about this before, but I will expound on it a bit, sharing the content’s of today’s meeting. There are over 30, 000 bloggers in Kenya. Yes. It is so easy nowadays that any idiot with a spare KSSH 1000 can open a .com blog in 13 minutes flat. For the broke types, all it takes now is a .ning or a .blogspot domain and BAM!! You have online presence.

But let us get a little analytic. Let us discuss the problem, then possible solutions.

Do a quick google search for any mover or shaker in their space. Linus Gitahi, Dorothy Ooko, Erik Hersmann. You will find gutter-press, or as we call them, ‘name-squaraders’ who use these names to drive traffic to their pitiful sites with the hope that GoogleAds will score them some coins. Yours truly has also not been spared.

These people are the online equivalent of muggers. They masquarade as writers and steal your time and intelligence from you, as their readers.

Anything will be smeared. Even KenyansForKenya campaign was smeared. The effort. Leave alone the aftermath.

Election is coming next year and it is sad that among us are 10-dollar hoes and sons of 2-dollar hoes that will get paid by some politicians to spread hate in their anonymous blogs. According to the politicians, these are the voices of youth in Kenya. To the rest of us who have a brain, these are debris at the bottom of the food-chain.

So, we cannot ignore the problem. We can only think of possible solutions.

Possible solutions

Well, there is always the Colombian solution of lead. But then again, being civilized people, we don’t want to make a martyr off a online pest, and so, the need for civilized solutions come.

1 – Legal Solution

The new constitution accords us freedom of speech and expression. It also protects every citizen from defamation, character assassination and false-ful representation. That means, you cannot just wake up one morning, and because hujadishi siku tatu, you write what you feel about someone you wish you were. If you can not get the e-pests to pull down the blog-post, legal systems are here to help. More on this soon.

2 – Positive Content

If for every negative content, there are 9 positive ones on a subject, the weighted mean and the indexing on Google etc would suffocate and lower the rankings of the the negative articles.

3 – Censorship

The KIXP and the ISPs would be great players here. We could easily create a vetting system and if a blog or a blog-post hits a negative sentiment threshold of 30%, it could be blocked, perpetually from an ISP level.

4 – Google Blocking

The Google team has always expressed willingness to remove from its indexes such content. The domain could be blocked from search indexes, too.

5 – Hacking

Most of the blogs are (duh!) on the web and so, this could be a good option. Last option. Bring down the service. For the broke ones who use .ning and .blogspot, this brings a big challenge. You would not be targeting a WHOLE setup (ning or blogspot), not just a pesky blog. Based on terms and conditions on the service, the service could be contacted and if they fail to bring down the blog, we would use ISP-level censorship to block the domain.

Those are my 3 cents.

Back to code.

Wazi!

November 25, 2011

17:05

The launch-early, fail-early mantra

» ‎ Idd Salim

Launch leo. Acha ujinga.

A few weeks ago, I talked about the high standards and expectations we give ourselves and allow society to give us. The system of rewarding success and punishing failure irrespective of factors. Where the end justifies the means and the means are never allowed to justify the end.

Well, Let me begin by telling a story about a male and a female. Then I will explain the Mantra.

I was once in a club with JC and Jose. Shooting pool as usual. And thence passed a hot mamma. By hot, I mean HOTTT. I am not talking about the average Kenyan gals who run on MS-DOS and 1 GB Ram. This chic had it all. If she were a Cyborg she MUST have been running on an over-clocked Core i7, and Ubuntu. She had all the supporting documents and a very nice, big and bouncy future behind her.

So I told Jose, who was oogling : “The worst thing you can do to a hot chic in a club is FAIL to talk to her. No female leaves home just to go sit at the counter looking hot and pretty. Every woman wants someone to talk to her and engage her in intellectual intercourse. The aim should never be to take her home. Far from it! Let that be determined by how smooth your vibe is, how drunk she gets or how cold the morning threatens to be.”

“What if she puts me off?”, He asked. “She is too hot for a guy like me.”, he said. I was disappointed.

“If you think that, then it IS true. You are as smooth, confident and hot as you let yourself be.”, I retorted.”The worst thing a woman can do is say NO or give you attitude. What else? Hawezi kupiga!!”. I was getting angry, so I decided to show Jose How it is done. “Watch this”.

The gal again passed by us and being the observer, I noticed a small bit of fluff on her hair. “Excuse me”, I said. She stopped and gave me the, what-can-you-offer look. I gave her the simba-mla-vitu look. Then stretched and took the fluff off her hair. And I said. “There. You are now perfect.”.

She smiled. “Nice cologne you got”, She said. “Well, babygal, At least I have ONE nice thing. You have at least 7 nice things. And I have only looked at you for 2 minutes.”, I said. I introduced her to my boys. And let us just say, the night went on well.

“Boys, females love originality and something DIFFERENT”, I told them.

The Mantra

Ok. Sasa tuongee biz. Achana na madem. Madem ni wasee fake? Sio? Shoga wewe! Madem ni wa wanga!

We have a sickness in Kenya. A mental one. I prefer to call it the code-test-and-test-until-every-bit-works-100% syndrome. Or in short, Ujinga. Yes, I know, I have been a victim of this. Alot.

You code a system for 6 months, do a demo and get feedback, go back and possibly redo 60% of the code again. Add 10%. Etc. Buda, system itawahi isha kweli?

Meanwhile, some non-techie idiots come along, launch a replica of your system that just has 10% of your functionality, make millions, steal all the TV and paper headlines, win awards, screw all the fine biatches while you are burning midnight oil.

“That system ni fake sana. Hata haina 1/8th of the features yangu iko nayo! Hata hawaja-implement SSL vipoa. Hawaja-optimize jQuery ama SQL cycles zao.”, you say, consoling your stupid self. I know. Been there.

And then comes the lessons

People will not sit there waiting for you to finish your system. Odds are that ONLY you knows what your GRAND-MASTER plan is. Give people something to play with.
People don’t care how good your final system will be. They will not fail to use/register for an inferior system because you are ‘Launching Soon’. Fuck that! Launch today. That is why we have ‘Beta Versions’. Gmail was in BETA for 4+ years. A period during which they got 200M+ users and BILLIONS of USDs. From a system ‘yenye haijaisha’. And there you are hoping to finish your ‘system noma’ soon?
Think of the hot gals you see in the club. They always go home with the ugliest, fattest, smelliest dudes. Wewe bado una-poze na Gucci kwa counter. The gals are not fake or loose. Ni wewe uko slow and shy. Try launch early next weekend. Utaamka una-smile. And your soaps will last longer.

Heh!

Acha nisambiwe nimeongea mbaya.

Back to code.

Wazi!

November 18, 2011

15:14

The demons are closer than we might think

» ‎ Idd Salim

This blog post is non-techie and might not appeal to the kawaida reader. It speaks about demons and the like. For the faint-hearted, read no more.

Haiya!

After coming back from Naivasha with 4 Kilograms of Malaria, I stayed indoors on Tuesday. Tossing and turning in bed all day.

Then the hunger became unbearable and I decided to go to ‘Shiba Kisha Ulipe’ restaurant where you eat until you say, “Hassan, please don’t kill us with food!”.

As I entered the restaurant, I was happy to see my favorite spot was free, and even happier to see a beautiful, well-dressed gal seated near there, alone.

So I placed my Galaxy S1 on the table, then my Galaxy S2, then my fat wallet then sat down, disconnected my data connection from the S1, and finally, looked at the gals face. “Hi, Salim”, she said. Hmmmn. How did she know my name? I asked her. “I am a friend of your friend called **Marilyn.”, She said, explaining that I had met her before, briefly, when switching movies with Marilyn (Name changed, ofcourse).

And so, we began talking. Talking about life, music and all the usual fore-play niceties. Then she became serious. “Salim, I have a problem and I want you to tell me if you can relate to it.”, I looked her deep in the eyes, and I could see a woman who wanted some listening to. “I am here. Talk to me”, I spoke, softly.

“My mom, one day, got drunk and told me a very disturbing story”, she started. “When she was 18, she was forced to an early marriage and married to an older man. She then became pregnant with me and she told me how she tried to abort me 3 times. All the times failed, until the doctors advised to the contrary. So all my life, she has been treating me harshly and badly”, she went on. “That is not the worst part. When I was 1 year old, she got married to another man, my current step-dad, and the family on my step-dad side, being people practicing witch-craft, married me off to a demon, to make sure I NEVER have a future.”

Normally, this is where you all start laughing. You that have no experience with the spirit world. You that have not heard of nightly visitations. Those who have not heard of Spiritual Husbands. But for those that want to learn more, read on.

One of the most practiced form of witch-craft in Kenya is the summoning and commanding of evil spirits into an action. The action could be that of using you at night for chores, e.g. Having you wake up and do chores like digging, then you wake up exhausted. The action could be that of strangling you while sleeping until you choke. The third action is that of marrying you and owning you. You will NEVER have a stable relationship. They own you.

When I was between 8 and 12 years old, I would get visited at night by invisble forces and strangled till I could not talk. Then I talked to my Big brother, Ustadh Rashid. And he gave me the solution. Salat and Dhikr.

So, she continued telling me how at the age of 13, she started having ‘funny habits’. She started exhibiting lesbianism, started stealing things. But that was just the beginning. At the age of 16, the spiritual husband would visit her in her sleep, and she would feel a man sexually penetrating her in her sleep. I was listening. I have heard this before. She was glad I know about this. Then came the shocker.

Early, 2010, she would wake up with morning sickness and all signs of pregnancy. She went to Nairobi Women’s hospital and the tests were always the same ones. “You are not pregnant. You have never had sex. You are a virgin.”

She continued like this for 9 months, then came the labor pains. A week of those, and everything stopped. No more pains. No more pregnancy signs.

But then the husband started visiting again. Every night in her dreams, she sees him. “You are married to us and will never get married to a human”, they tell her.

She has had mental breakdowns and she even did her KCSE at Avenue Mental Wing. She becomes uncontrollably violent and sometimes needs to be under the influence of drugs to bode well with humans. Her mum keeps her phone and never allows her ‘live free and make her own decisions’. “Salim, If I knew someone dying today, I would happily exchange their death for my miserable life”, she would say, repeatedly.

She has visited all the ‘prophets’ we have in Kenya (thanks to her step-dad who is loaded) and all have come to the same conclusion. This bond is too old. Too strong.

So, I called Ustadh Rashid again and explained everything on phone. “Is she a Muslim?”, He asked. “No”. I responded. “Slight problem there”.

The purpose of the question was to establish the best approach. Normally, as a Muslim, if :

You have Ayatul-Kursi on the walls of your house.
You Recite Al-Nas, Al-Falaq, Al-Ikhlas and An-Nasr 3 times each before you sleep.
Recite Duas like : “A’oodhu bi kalimaat-Illaah it-taammaati min sharri ma khalaq” before sleep.

Then, NOTHING can come near you. No evil spirit can touch you.

So Rashid gave me a number to Another Ustadh in Mombasa, who I called and explained everything. The Mombasa Ustadh specializes in this art in a Halal, Non-Shirk and safe way. He told me that there are Male spirits that are betrothed to female humans, and Females spirits that marry male humans. They protect their spouse as a jealous and loving partner would. And they are fierce and powerful. But in the presence of the light of God, not a shade of Satanic Darkness can exist.

All we need to do is travel to Mombasa and do the “Kumng’oa huyo mnyama”, as the Ustadh called it.

I tried calling her yesterday, no one responded. But I will call today, again. Noooma, buda!

Back to code.

Wazi.

November 14, 2011

8:29

A weekend at the WordCamp event, Naivasha

» ‎ Idd Salim

Wordcamp

And so it came to fruition.

The day finally came and I slept early on Friday because I knew the next day would be a long and gruesome day at Crayfish, Naivasha.

Day 1

I woke up at 6am and did some reading, then at 8:30, I left for Alliance, our meeting point. Bwana Mugo, Mbugua, Kaboro, Karanja, Kachwanya and Techweez were there. So I knew it was going to be a nice trip. Meeting the top brass in Kenya in one event. The only notable bloggers missing were Archer, Banks and Roomthinker.

The journey was smooth like a baby’s bossom. I know. The roads were fantastic. Thanks to Kibaki. After a quick lunch and tent setup, we dived deep into it.

Thus spaketh Moses

The man with a Big Heart, Kemibaro. Spoke about his journey as a blogger. From being a small-time blog-it-all, to now that he has carved his own Nice with his widely and deeply read blog. It was an amazing story.

He spoke about how there is enough space for everyone. How we have barely scratched the surface. How you can be an expert in your own content-selection and style of writing. He suggested that bloggers mix it up with videos and images and content. Not just text. Be different.

Moses shared his stats and they were impressive. At least 1000 people read his blog post EACH day. Humans. Not CSS hits count or Javascript hit count that some wannabes would provide as stats. Real human readers.

We had a presentation from DukaPress (a simple and free WordPress e-commerce system made in Kenya), From Njeri Rionge on how to Monetize your blogs, From Waithash on how to make your content more visible.

And then it was a wrap. It is never a perfect evening without some Art. And what better art than Poetry. And what better poetry, that from our very own @Wamathai and @KenyanPoet .

The rains started pouring, and the cold was BITING. But Ohh no, that was not to dampen our spirits. We dressed warmly and went to the GreenHouse (CrayFish’s in-camp club). Ofcourse Mugo was ‘too busy’ to play pool with me, despite the KSHS 500 per game stake we put on twitter. Like they said, better absent than beaten. So I hooked up with my favorite 6. Kachwanya, Savvy, KenyanPoet, Ndinda, Ms Patel and Mr Smith (From Norway).

Ofcourse, there were some hot-non-wordcamp-campers there. And that is all I can disclose. At 2 PM. Tent pap! And I slept like a modafoka. Despite the camping noises from the animals in the camp. Ahem!

Day 2

6 AM. A BIG female hippo on heat is seen from far scavenging for some. It was chased away. Breakfast at 8:30. @Wamathai and @KenyanPoet spoke about POWO and BAKE.

Then the impressive @MartianSkills took to the stage. Speaking about his life as a coder. This is certainly a fella I will work with soon. I like self-inspired hustlers who have/are making it slowly BUT, ohh, so fukin surely. I hope I can do a system with these fellas in the near future.

Boniface Mwangi spoke about the need for Kenyans to protect their own. Not be lured by politicians and incited against each other. The need to be united and realizing that there is ONE Kenya that is bigger than any politicians. The need to take our demonstrations and activism online as well as offline. Heal the nation. Heal it from tribalism, bad leadership and propaganda.

Mugo showed us how to install plugins. Anto the Ninja showed us how to create ANY type of site using WordPress.

Lunchtime!

Shared a table with the splendiferous ndinda, the pulchritudinous Afrobelle and the mellifluous Schneider.

I skived the afternoon session and was able to lure Wario, Poet, @iz_ben and @techweez to go swimming with the hot-non-wordcamp-campers there.

Too much blogging.

Back to code.

Wazi.

November 10, 2011

9:53

Why I will be attending WordCamp this weekend at CrayFish

» ‎ Idd Salim

Crayfish Babbbaaayy!!

Distract any self-respecting coder/designer/animator from their work by suggesting that you go for lunch, play foosball or by coming to their desk to ask silly/stupid and irrelevant questions like ‘How are you?’ or ‘How was your night?’, at iHub and you have made an enemy.

Tell a coder that you have some gig that requires they stay away from their computer for more than 6 hours, and they will cringe. Such is the life of a digerati.

But once in a long while, comes something tempting enough. Take for example, WordCamp. WordPress-Camp. An open-invitation for Kenyan e-Writers of all shapes, sizes and colors.

A meetup with Kenya’s finest bloggers, poets, writers, troll-commentors, habitual re-tweeters and gutter-press. Well, speaking of the gutter-press crew, there are rumours that they finally bought new shoes and could not afford the USD 40 fee for the WordCamp, but we are launching a Kenyans4Gutter campaign in a hour on twitter, that will make sure all our various sections of bloggers are present. We love everyone equally. More on this in the last paragraph.

I am still mulling over whether to take the public means (WordCamp bus) that everyone will be taking (more fun, social, Free wi-fi c/o Safaricom etc) or whether to drive our Mint Symbiotic’s Kompressor E-240 up to the camp.

The Lou-pean part of me tells me, this is a good chance to show these doubters in our midst that coders can actually make it in life and own the best toys that money can buy. Utatumiaje Bus na una Kompressor? And the gals will LOVE it.

The other saner part of me tells me, #justToConfuseYourEnemies, vaa kawaida and move with the crowd. Be one with your peers and also, keep the haters and doubters thinking that you are as broke as they are. That this code manenos is all talk. It keeps them going. Gives them a reason to live.

The bus leaves at 9:15 and I know it is going to be fun. I was at Crayfish on the new-year eve. It was a nice place to be. Apart from the 4-k-club mosquitoes the size of a USB-port and the hippos that maraud past midnight (far from the camping area), the place is heavenly. Cool breeze, nice swimming pool, Boats to go fishing into lake Naivasha in, BIG in-camp club with nice music, 2 pool-tables, option of tents or ‘vans’ of cottages, nice food, friendly servants (waiters etc).

Then my good buddies will be there. Mugo and his beginner-skills in pool, Wamathai the gal-gaster, the ever-smiling Savvy, My small brother Kachwanya, Bwana PKukubo, Ninja Anto and 6 other people I will not mention. What better selection of friends can a coder ask for?

This is also an opportunity for me to meet people I have been dying to meet outside the office. Content people. Safaricom has given us a challenge. Show us the traffic, and we will give you the Keys to Mkwanjaville. If you do content and/data, look for me or Timo. Kuna mazuri.

Ofcourse, I will be the un-defeated guy at the pool table with a black-chalk beating up everyone. I don’t have swagger.. I have twanga. No mercy.

On the menu, ofcourse, are the BLOODY CRAYFISH. Yep. Make sure you sample some.

With that said, tupatane huko and let us do biz and have some little fun.

Back to code.

Wazi

November 06, 2011

2:55

The self-loathing high African yardstick

» ‎ Idd Salim

Failure is good. Embrace it

It is really sad. But it is the story of my life. And someone has got to tell it. And who better to tell my story than me. So, here we go.

It is started with the lethargic 8-4-4 system. I was (and still am) surrounded by people bred to know and understand that FAILURE is never an option and is punishable by the most severe forms of retribution.

Ofcourse, being me, I got all A’s in KCPE and then joined Starehe where failed miserably in KCSE getting a pathetic B. Yes, I know, alot of C+ and D- readers are already laughing. And that is the topic for today.

We are in a society where you are not allowed to fail.

A society where D- and C students laugh at the B+ and A’s daily struggles and desire to be UNIQUE and NOT normal. I am OK with that. I LOVE winners. But do you want to know who I LOVE most? People who failed, trying to be different. People who put their best foot forward and gave an opportunity their best shot, fell down on their face and failed miserably. This breed of people were laughed upon and called names by their peers and colleagues. “Join us and be a successful mediocre”, the peers advised.

But ohh, no! Not this breed. The got up, dusted themselves and put their chin up. Put on their best foot forward again and said, THIS IS IT! They used the wisdom got from their previous BAD and SHAMEFUL failures and said, Never again. They took on another opportunity. Worked day and night and told their peers to watch that space. And guess what happened? They failed again. Miserably. And again. And Again.

These muthafokaz that I am talking about have balls of steel and clits of diamond. They never back down. Some of their peers who thought they were strong gave up and ‘flew out’ or ‘got employed’ or ‘moved on’. But not the breed I am talking about. They know what they are doing and they understand the objective. Lose a bishop and a few pawns. But a check-mate is just 2 moves ahead.

Thomas Edison was allowed to fail 10, 000 times. We never allow our thinkers more than HALF a failure. Silicon Valley has a culture of allowing people to FAIL. That is why we have the Googles, Facebooks and Twitters of this eWorld.

We all become masters and fully proficient gurus after we reach the tipping point. After 10, 000 hours of working on something. Statistically, the average entreprenuer breaks even and becomes SUCCESSFUL after AT LEAST 3 failures. In Africa/Kenya we kill our next Edisons after their first failure. Ignoring the lessons. Failure is a chisel we must all be cut to shape with. It is a furnace we must all be moulded by. There are no options, if you want TRUE independence.

I have been asked alot. What happened to the M-Pesa API, to Xema, to SIM-Backup, to Zunguka, to TechMataa. Some, I shelved because the time was not right. Some were super-ceded by other projects that, once complete, will make the former better and more lucrative. I know, some of you are confused by that statement. Some are saying, “Ahhh, kumbe”. Chess vs Checkers.

But you should not expect everyone to understand the Chess Moves of a meticulous planner, while all they are used to is the straight-forward pussy-game of checkers. That is why then someone asks me, ‘What are you working on’, I cringe. I would explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I know I speak for a lot of people, then I talk about being judged and questioned daily by people who have not accomplished ANYTHING themselves in this life, apart from a pathetic time-bombed 5/6-digit paycheck, monthly. The breed of people who, when they die, it is as if they NEVER existed. No legacy. Nothing to change the world/country/village. Just another dispensable employee.

But then again, maybe that is their role in this ecosystem. Maybe they were born to give us people to prove points to. Maybe they were born to laugh down at us and bring out the ‘Acha Nitakuonyesha’ monster in us.

Back to code.

Wazi.

November 04, 2011

11:34

Introducing: The I.S.I.O.LO. *iCluster_

» ‎ Idd Salim

Divide and Conquer

Ohh, what a beautiful day for science. Makes a brother get all taxonomic.

Kingdom: Computer science, Phylum: Distributed Power Computing, Class: High-availability and Load-Balanced, Order: IO-Bottlenecks Optimized, Family: Low-cost-high-power, Genus: Parallelized Multi-processing, Species: Simple-Awesome systems.

And that’s, what’s up.

The ISIOLO *iCLuster_ Project

The ISIOLO [Immanently SuperCharged Infinitely Omnipotent Limitless Operationator] *iCluster_ HyperComputer project is now the official December project that I will head. I am finally receiving sponsorship and support. For a true cause.

The ISIOLO iCluster is aimed at being the MOST powerful computer cluster in Kenya, yet, come January 2012. Military-grade performance that will rival the processing power of any system here today.

This is a super-computer cluster that will initially have just 24 slave-nodes and 1 controller head. The machine will have an effective RAM of 96 GB and Effective processor power of 4 * 3.2 Ghz * 24. Yes. That’s right. 307.2 Ghz. The setup will be optimized for speed, responsiveness and load-sharing. We will also completely minimize IO bottlenecks.

Why – User-case

The need for the HyperComputer:

A Research and training opportunity for SuperComputer enthusiast. Train/Certify people capable of being SREs (Service Reliability Engineers) good enough to work at Google, Yahoo and Facebook.
Free and powerful testing and hosting environment for startups to host their iHub-Born / mLab-Born apps and services. 1000 iHub green white members will have hosting space for their apps, 1 GB per person.
Power-Computing service for local content processing [video editing and production]. Upto 4.7 GB in less than 15 seconds.
Host for Community projects from iHub e.g. Traffic Updates service and Local Ushahidi deployment.
A host for parallel and resource-hungry applications e.g. weather prediction, draught prediction and real-time information dispatch, e.g. football scores and events.

It will really make me happy to have a barrage of emails from people who genuinely want to take part in this.

Drop me an email : (isioloicluster [ A T ] xema [ D O T ] mobi).

Let us do this and make Kenya/OurSelves proud.

Back to research.

Wazi.

October 31, 2011

14:33

Of overlapping mobile apps’ models and concepts and killer apps

» ‎ Idd Salim

So cool, Chimps will download it.

It is unfortunate that there are 3 kinds of people in this world, as far as conversations are concerned. There are those who will give you all the encouragement you need, those that will give you all the discouragement you don’t need, and those that will not understand what the hell you are talking about, and will appeal the 5th ammendment. I like the 3rd, and adore the first.

The second are the losers in the equation. And in life, generally.

I had a simple brainwave from a personal experience and also from a conversation I had with a friend who was a victim of ‘death-before-a-will’ situation. Because of that, I shared the concept of an inexistent [half-don on my laptop and not online] NikiDedi platform on October 27th. I spent some time discussing the possible algorithms and fail-points for such a system with fellow coders and thinkers. Come 30th October, I get a twit from an e-Troll claiming that I had STOLEN the idea.

My Gawd!!! Unbeknonst to me, someone had spend 3 days of their sad lives trying to invalidate the authenticity of the NikiDedi system. How sad, pathetic and Idle can people be. Instead of eeking every hour of every day trying to improve their lives, people spend endless effort and time and resources trying to discredit others.

Anyway, enough about the e-Trolls. On to todays’ topic.

Overlapping models and concepts.

It is sad. I have attended countless developer contests and the story is always the same. I see apps that compete against each other and see duplication of effort. 2 teams of coders/startups doing the SAME app. Both groups do the app to 70% perfection. Ego and pride making both teams try to out-do each other. Teamwork is only internal. The others are enemies. Ohh, What would it take to join hands and do a super-app together and share the loot?

Think of e.g. An App to show you what is happening today: We have AroundMe, WhatsHappening, Buzz, Phat etc. Think of Medical concepts and we have AskADoc, mPhysician, MedKenya etc. All concepts that are similar.

I am not participating in the Nokia Create4Millions contest that closes tomorrow, despite all the psyche I had. Let us just say that someone gave me a better deal. Instead of shooting in the dark in a developer contest, I decided to work on a real business app. Not a contest app just for the sake of it. More about this in a separate blog post.

This does not mean that I don’t have faith in what Nokia are doing for our tech-scene. This does NOT mean that people should not do contest-apps. This does NOT mean, in any way or manner at all, that Salim does not see the point of developer contests. No. Not at all. It was just a timing issue. Opportunity cost.

Killer Apps

When someone speaks of killer-apps, in Kenya, you think of an app with its own revenue model and a SOLID business case. We don’t have the clout to do revenues off ads yet. People WON’T pay to download the apps, yet. Hata 5 bob.

Developers fail to think beyond the APP, and can’t visualize the business. That is why most of us will be seen coding late in the night for developer contests with the money as the END to the app. Not the MEANS to the app’s conquest of it niche/purpose. If an APPs sustainability and profitability is what makes one a killer-app, then there are NONE in Kenya. Not yet.

Tuvitu from Shimba has over 750k downloads from the OVI store. It has made KSHS 0. Version 1 of AroundMe from Mwai saw over 300k downloads. 0 KSHS in revenue. Sembuse from Symbiotic has 250, 000 users. 0 Kshs.

I see a great time ahead, especially with AroundMe version 2, Ma3Racer from Akina Jimmy, MedAfrica (formerly MedKenya) from Shimba. If they stick to the models they have taken me through, then we might see the first Killer-apps. Apps that make sense to the users and cents for the developers.

I have always talked to Erik about this. We need a success story. We need a case study of an app/solution that :

Changed the life of at least 100k users [socially, economically, emotionally, intellectually].
Made the developer some money. At least an ARPU of KSHS 5 per month from 40% of the users.
Gives people a reason to use the APP at least 3 times a week.
Stays on a user phone for at least 6 months.

When will this be? For those who believe, it will be soon.

Back to code.

Wazi.

October 27, 2011

16:48

Introducing – The NikiDedi platform

» ‎ Idd Salim

Na ukidedi kesho? Huh?

The human head. The casing of the cranium. The casing of the brain. The store of all we see, hear, touch, smell, imagine, know and can conjure.

But it was developed with human selfishness as its Achilles heel. We as humans only share what we WANT to.

I might know the answer, but will never share with you. Sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we shouldn’t. Sometimes we JUST WON’T.

That’s us. We won’t change.

But what if the answer is something that affects more than one person? What if the answer is the difference between LIFE and DEATH. Between lost savings vs inheritable savings. Between ‘He died with the passwords and PINs’ and ‘The NikiDedi platform continued being the virtual brain of the dead and now we have all his passwords and PINs.’ Between, ‘Dad died last year and we are still chasing the bank for his money’ and ‘we got all the money in a week’

In a world of necessitated secrets and PIN controlled lifestyles, there is a need for post-death continuity. There is need for a secure, reliable and intelligent way to pass information from the dead person, to the living beneficiaries.

I have been mulling over this concept for a while, and I now feel it is mature enough to be shared out as an actual product.

How it would work

NikiDedi would be a simple but robust repository for people to upload documents, enter memos and strings of text (PINs Passwords etc). The system would have a ‘Vault’ where the information is stored and an ‘alert list’ containing names, email addresses and phone numbers of people to whom the information would be passed over if the system detects that the person has died.

“Aiii, Salim. How would a cumputer detect that someone has died?”, you ask. Confused. But happy. U know I will demystify it for you. Read on.

Part of the death-detection algorithm will be a behavioral study. The system will keep track of a user’s ‘Aliveness’ by tracking facebook posts, twitter feeds, linked-in accounts and logins to NikiDedi. Periodical ‘Are you alive?’ emails sent to the user’s email address with a read receipt can also be used. Each ‘aliveness’ tracker will have a weighted score and system triggers will be set off based on the score.

For example, if a person has not tweeted for 3 weeks (+25 points) and has not FB’d for 6 weeks (+20) and has not responded to the last 5 ‘Are you alive’ emails (+45 points) and has not responded with his secret ‘I am alive’ code to the system SMS warning about the next trigger (Send an email to his beneficiaries with all uploaded data), then this person IS DEAD. The system will hand over his e-Loot to their next of kin.

I can’t trust NikiDedi staff with my data!

I hear you. Neither can I. That is why NikiDedi is just a vessel. Provided to you will be a suit of the most crack-safe and strongest encryption tools. No one, even the NikiDedi staff can decipher your data. You will be required to encrypt your data and generate a secret-and-one-time random decryption key offline (on your PC) BEFORE sending to the Vault. Your beneficiaries will have the secret Key, but will only get the data once your e-behavior has reached the ‘he must be dead’ threshold.

And these, boys and girls, are the things super-brains think of.

NikiDedi is a toy project I have been working on and is somewhat complete. Talk to me if you want to take part in the project.

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

9:16

My 4 cents on this whole Safcom/SST/Cisco/EMC2 Cloud

» ‎ Idd Salim

Cloud. Yes. Tuko juu.

Well, I could easily have had the title of this blog as ‘Safaricom launches Cloud Service’. But that would be an insult to those who know this already and those who know how to use google. More insulted would be the 3000+ people who were at KICC last night. The lack of originality and literary profundity on the blog-scene always leaves me cacchinnating.

I believe you have come here to read about the intricacies of this new service and get an abstruse insight. You are seeking the answer to : “How does it work for my business” and, more importantly, the answer to eternal question business people ask, “How do I make money off it?”.

Today, I also wanted to talk about “8 ways local developers could harness the Safaricom cloud”. But then I realized two things. 1 – No body gives a fck. 2 – No body gives a damn. So I will keep that to my self.

Step in, Safaricom Cloud

Well, I could NOT wait for the launch to start. I was getting bored of being surrounded by loud talking, thunderously laughing, suit-wearing (yikes!!) people. How fast can I get to iHub, home. Where people are simple, free and real?

Then started the presentations. QnA from RamahNyang to Bob, Macharia, Hamdan and a ‘Mr Smith’. The presentation from Mike and Bob was, as expected, idiot-proof. Even my cat would have understood what cloud computing is and why we needed it by just listening. More here.

The service offers Storage-As-a-service, Backup, Archiving and Software-as-a-service. Google those if you don’t know what they mean. They are below the context of this short post.

Then came the PS. Described by Bob as the Kenyan IT Sector Demi-god. And finally, someone was talking to ME.

In the last paragraph of this blog post, I recommended that Google should NOT host Kenya government data and suggested we setup a local setup to manage that. Google would shut down their cloud in a blink and years of our history would be lost. I made some few enemies at google, ofcourse. I mean who is this 3rd World blogger that thinks Kenyans can setup a world-class cloud? We are google. We know how to do all that stuff. Well, 3rd world country, A1 1st world brains. End of. Moving on.

Ndemo spoke of the need for the cloud. The government was spending SO much on hardware and storage and labor to sustain a core business necessity that was NOT their core business. IT infrastructure. That money could be used to empower other IT needs. Safaricom and SST were now heaven-sent. The government will be the first customer for the cloud. I smiled. Kenyan critical government data hosted HERE. By us. Another big FU to those who said it could not be done in Africa.

Ndemo spoke about something everyone was, until this time, ignoring. IaaS. Or as I love to call it, Computing Power as a service. He spoke about once talking to Rabaa of homeboyz and hearing him speak of having a handicap in terms of computing power. I talked about this earlier. We need to create a monster of a computer and call her I.S.I.O.L.O. [Immanently SuperCharged Infinitely Omnipotent Limitless Operationator]. A computer that can render HD+ videos for homeboyz in seconds, serve all government data in real-time, perform complex maths in micro-seconds. We have the knowledge and skills to develop one. And we will be showcasing one at @iHub in 3 months, if everything goes to plan.

All in all, I see the stars aligning.

I await to see what they will offer developers and innovation hubs.

I hope top techies will be consulted on this, as the potential is limitless, if harnessed properly.

Back to code…

Wazi.

October 25, 2011

13:19

Now, everybody, just calm the F**K down!

» ‎ Idd Salim

Kabooom! Panic!

Yeah. I write this as I munch on some junk food at the iHub. Call me Al-Kebab. Terrorizing a burger and some ketchup. I am sure if I am seen masticating shamelessly, as I am, Our Citizens and KTNs will report :

Dangerous Al-Kebab Militia spotted at iHub. Areas to avoid are iHub and AppleBees. Explosive coders and strippers spotted.

Isn’t it ironic how selectively xenophobic we Kenyans are? Tunajipenda na tunajichukia.

We worship the white man in hotels, bars and airports, but castigate our own at the slightest provication? Do we suffer from an inferiority complex?

First of all, I do not support the Kenya vs Somalia ‘war’. We can’t beat them in football, and we challenge them in a cat-and-mouse game they play EVERY day? But that is NOT the reason for my lack of support. Somalia Militia (From Somalia, Not Kenya) have been killing Kenyans for years in the North Eastern parts for ages. Nothing major was done. But as soon as they Kidnapped some Europeans (Our gods), a full-scale war is waged. Where is our sense of national pride? Why are we valuing tourists’ lives more than our own? Aren’t all humans equal?

The Media

The media has not done the whole OTC bomb issue justice. My friend was there last night waiting for a Matatu to Kiambu and his EYE withness report was that of a person in the crown throwing the grenade towards a matatu FULL of passengers, which hit the window and fell outside the Nissan Matatu. The grenade was aimed at INSIDE the matt, but hot the glass window and exploded outside the Matatu. God be praised. More would have died.

The media reported 2 Somali men in a Saloon car throwing the Bomb. So hungry to be sensational and quick to be ‘FIRST with the NEWS’, they report what they hear without verifying.

The same way KASS FM was used to fuel PEV, the media houses like KISS, KTN and CITIZEN are now being used to fuel FEAR and paranoia. The media houses should be taken to court for spreading un-necessary panic.

Have we had peace and tranquility for SOOOOOOOO long that we crave death and war? Must every small fire be treated as a national disaster? Don’t get me wrong. Every human life is invaluable. But chill the f*ck down. You are scaring everyone.

If you have lived in Isiolo like me and seen what I have seen, then you would know that we ain’t seen nothing yet. Save the sensationalism for when a real attack happens.

Tweeps

“For every bomb they blow in town, we should blow 3 on Eastleigh”, said someone on twitter yesterday night. I had no response for this. I don’t respond to idiots. Ask gutter-press. Moving on…

General public

I just heard a story about 2 somalis who entered a Matatu today and everyone else alighted the matatu. Kenyans, ni nini? Relaxini. Why hate on your brothers because of fear on the in-existent?

Do we now walk all over town fearing that every bag, car, lorry or Somali will explode and kill us all? Do we hate on innocent Somalis and muslims and search them and their cars, while Al-Shabaab just needs to buy an Al-Kebab for Kamau and Kipng’etich and they will ferry the bomb for them? It is all about money, remember? U don’t look like a Somali or a Muslim, you don’t get searched. Why are muslims and Somalis in particular being targeted?

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

October 21, 2011

19:33

3 Lessons from the impending SST / Safaricom Deal

» ‎ Idd Salim

Seven Seas. The lessons

It is a very eventful day here in Kenya. Yeah. That third-world country that invented mPesa, mKesho and PesaPap! (deny all you want). Yes. That country with Google Offices but has NOT a single home-grown success story. Well, that is not true, we have Mocality and DealFish and Kalahari, all Made in Kenya and very successful. True? Nooot. They are not. And they are not. Both. True. Wait. Just like I had predicted before, they would not last long with their SA blue-print in Kenya. They got it all wrong from the beginning.

I said it and I was blacklisted. Nikatukanwa. Nikaitwa hater. Nikaambiwa sipendi success. Etc.

First off, I read an article stating that they are being shut down. Mocality has once been accused of buying Century Cinema tickets at KSHS 500 per ticket and selling them as ‘deals’ for KSHS 150 each. Just to create traffic and a feeling of ‘Tunafanya kazi’. I am just reporting what was said in a TechMeeting at location X. I have no claim or proof to these allegations.

Step in SevenSeasTech

And then Mr Bob Collymore came in and said on Twitter:

“We are NOT targeting SST for acquisition. We’re partnering with SST to deliver managed services. Each brings own skills to the deal.”

A smile lit on my face. Made in Kenya. By Kenyans. Going PanAfrican.

This is what Safaricom has been preaching for the last 3 years to deaf ears, mine, sometimes, included. And it is just normal business practice. Prove you are a WORTHY business partner, and we will partner with you. Finally, it is demystified. I have always preached. My sermon has slowly changed from “Safaricom hates Kenyan solutions/developers” to “Safaricom si mamako”. A wise man changes his mind when presented with facts and reason. A fool keeps fighting a lost battle.

Lesson 1: Let success speak for you. Si kelele.

Liko has always sang to me. “Salim, make your product grow and achieve traction. You will never need to ask for appointments. People will LOOK for YOU. Not the other way round.”

Investors/partners look for one thing. Your VALUE to the business/deal. Not your smile or the fact that you have 2 cats and love your mum and can sing ‘kum-baya my lord’ in soprano. No. How MUCH value can you bring to the table? The rest ni stories.

And this comes as a good gesture from Safaricom. Ofcourse, as coders, we might not have the connections, financial muscle and board-room influence that SST might have. But who said we need that? You only need to manage 2 things that My good friend Muendo always talks about. ‘Relations and Delivery’. Kwisha maneno.

Get a deal and do it good and more will come from the coffers. Haters wabaki wakijiongelesha. Waseme umeangukia. Umehongana. Umependelewa. And all the other 17 things Kenyans say when what they ACTUALLY mean is ‘We wish we were them. They are soo HAPPY. We are soo SAD. Our side sucks so much!!’

Lesson 2: Focus pays

I was very honored to share a business session with Macharia in Diani during the OpenData Government meetup in coast, April this year. Silently and with utter admiration, i sat and listened as he spoke about relations, ethics and focus. Things that alot of Kenyans lack. It is not uncommon to find a CEO who drives a Matatu over the weekends and pimps on Fridays. Macharia preached focusing on Plan A, because of you need a Plan B, then your plan A is not as good as you thought.

Get a SOLID plan A and focus on it. And good things will come.

Lesson 3: Don’t develop software

This is where most noble and focused people fall short. Developing software. People don’t buy software. They buy SOLUTIONS. The bigger the percentage of their problem you can solve, the more likely they are to give you the deal. If you develop the software part of the solution they want and ignore the hardware, networking and orgware part of the puzzle, you have NOT delivered fully.

SST differentiates itself in their Mantra:

Vision: To be an African company defining Service Excellence in technology driven business solutions. NOT [To be an African company with the most bug-free code]

Mission: To help customers get the most from their investment in technology deriving optimal performance. [To train customers use our software].

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code.

Wazi.

October 15, 2011

12:54

A geek’s analysis of the #Nicole #Muturi BootyCall

» ‎ Idd Salim

Audio - But from where?

4 minutes, 35 seconds, 1 phone call, 3 possible sources.

Well, I was saddened to hear that gutter-press radio-station Classic FM really milked the whole sexually explicit audio and playing it on LIVE radio, in the MORNING. Just for Kicks.

Pathetic. Really.

Minor KaGayni (maybe just to confuse his enemies) was all over the clip. So I hear. Talking about a man having sex with a woman. As if he know anything about that. I might as well start talking about Budhism. Again, So I hear. I never listen to classic FM. Mainly because I don’t subscribe to content from people with an IQ of a shoe, and so, that is all I will say about classic FM.

The question the few Kenyans with a brain are asking is this. “Hiyo simu waliiskiza aje?”. The question the few coders/security analysts are asking is this. “Have phone-call interception equipment finally come to Kenya? Do we, FINALLY, have hackers who can do what Salim has been talking about, akatukanwa? Are our worst fears finally here? Should we be worried?”. So, I decided to demystify the source of the clip.

I remember in 2009, I was in a relationship with an insecure, controlling and hyper-jealous person. She had an employee at a local telco (no names mentioning, activating PussyMode…) on a ‘payroll’ and the employee would giver her a list of ALL SMSes and PhoneCalls that I had made everyday. All SMSes in a PDF and all calls in MP3. It is government policy that all Telcos MUST keep records of all phone-calls and SMSes for at least 6 months. If not stored properly and restricted (like the case is, sadly) it only costs KSHS 2k to get the data.

I tried looking at the Audio file in MP3 using Nyquist-Shannon sampling theorem and other audio analysis models and the results were outstanding. The recording came out as a perfectly flowing person-to-person convo. The convo took place and could not have been cooked. And so, I came up with these scenarios.

1 – A telco employee did it

As stated above, it is POSSIBLE and IT HAPPENS that phone call and SMS records can be sold. The question becomes, how comes it was ONLY this call that got out. How idle would a telco employee be, to sift through ALL the GBs of data to get this ONE call? Still, idlers exist. And there is something called luck.

2 – Muturi did it

Using a Smart or Smart-Enuff phone, one can record a phone call. Muturi might have recorded the call (knowingly or just automatically), found it funny as f*u*ck, and decided to share. Nicole would not have shared this. Stupid female pride would not have let her. Muturi would. Stupid male ego would not let him not share. “Muone vile madem hunikufia”.

3 – It was a studio-born viral prank call

High probability too. A ‘real’ phone call can be, unfortunately, manufactured. At the last few seconds of the call, we hear the credit/airtime beep. If a studio call, then this is a specially crafted section to add to LEGITIMACY. Stupid Kenyans must have been heard saying: “Si hata uliskia credit ikikatika. Ni ya ukweli.” How would someone willing to pay a cab and pika nyama not have more than KSHS 16.8 of credit?

Back to code!

Wazi.

October 11, 2011

8:40

The next language you SHOULD learn

» ‎ Idd Salim

We are family

Ahhh. That feeling when the game is finally over and you won with a 1-goal margin against your fiercest rival in an entertaining game. Last minute winning goal. Coming down from 2-0. [Keyword: Entertaining. For many like me, to win simply isn’t enough – you had to win with style].

Ahhh. That feeling you get when you know that, finally, the hatchet is burried between you and the co-orporate world and they have extended a warm arm to you, and you now can start implementing all the solutions stored in your laptop for the last 18 months.

The code had started rotting. You spent sleepless nights hoping no one invents your stuff. But, Ohh no! chako ni chako. Thank God.

Ahhh. That feeling when you know that it is ONLY YOU that can fail yourself from now onwards. iHub/NaiLab/mLab are here. Mpesa is here. Safaricom is now finally looking to promote local developers [A blog on this on Friday], the gurus are here to learn from. What more do you want? Welcome to Mkwanjalization.

Yesterday I had a nice, long meeting. Needless to mention, it is was not a beer-na-maboyz-meeting where we discussed madem, Manchester or such trivial and useless things. Ohh no! This was a meeting of the minds. The movers and shakers. We made the move. Now, brace yourselves for the big shake. The shake-up is here. Finally, Uhuru! What? You expect me to share more? Sawa. Ngoja basi.

A while ago, I talked about responsible blogging and palatable content. My blog is read by ONLY 30, 000 people a month. Ofcourse, my stats are shared ONLINE and are real-time. I could count CSS and Javascript file hits to make the site look busy and HIP and ‘Swag’, but we leave that to gutter-press. I am here to share information and life experiences. Not get traffic and sell ads. I am here to tell that campus kid that they can be rolling in a Kompressor by June next year wakiwa serious. Not to hurl stones and complain about Bamba 15 bob.

Like I always say, I sleep better knowing that by blog is read by 32 CEOs, 18 IT Masters, 21 Coders, 231 wannabe-geeks, 21 Javascript and CSS gurus, 8 VB programmers 4 faggots and 3 lesbians than 21, 743 watchmen, 22, 145 shoe-shiners and 32, 665 idlers.

The Language

People-Skills is a very new and alien concept to developers. “My code works and is the best. So fuck all all you humans” is a mantra alot of coders go with. Me included. Once, anyway. Now I am growing up. Fast. At this point of my life, it is more benefitial for me to do a PR/Marketing course than learn the internals and intricacies of the Java Virtual Machine.

I have seen ‘coders’ [More like PornGrammers] who can’t even be ranked 2/10 sell their buggy, insecure and half-baked garbage for Millions while 8-8.5/10 masters and gurus with their optimized, multi-threaded and un-hackable systems (in their laptops) are still waiting for a number 46 to town. People-Skills.

No. You no longer have to bribe to have your system out there. And I really hope I am not derailed because I want to prove this VERY soon. That all you need is a laptop, the right skills and a smile. And you can be what we all wish to be. FREE. Coding on a full stomach. Getting out of the lift on the Basement. Not Ground Floor. Know-worramseng?

It is very tempting [but ultimately suicidal, stupid and immature] to blog about a person or a corporate. Safaricom/EABL/Yokozuna Breweries wamenijamisha? Aki ngoja nita-blog. But, as Batiatas would ask, “to what end?”. It is one thing to have freedom of expression, but it is another thing to know the limits. Know the avenues of channeling the complaints. All you will get online and on twitter are just ArmChair critics and happy-clappers. “Salim, hiyo blog yako ni kali”, I would be told by someone. But end-month ako na salo. Mimi ni hustler.

Don’t forget. These people are humans. They have emotions. Maybe they just had a bad day. Trust me, it is more valuable, in the short-term and long-term, to talk to them na uwaskize, than to tukanana. ESPECIALLY if you are a DEVELOPER, in KENYA, in 2011.

Jua kuongea na watu. If you can’t, get someone who does. And give them half your company. Or 60%.

Back to code.

Wazi.

September 29, 2011

19:12

3 Killer applications of NFC that Safaricom should explore

» ‎ Idd Salim

NFC Powered

Well, NFC. NFC. Near Field Communication. That’s what it is. A technology that enables devices to talk to each other and exchange instructions. Yes. Instructions. And I use that word loosely because ‘instructions’ could mean anything.

Anything from sharing a file, contacts to doing more sophisticated operations. And THAT is what makes the technology powerful.

A few days ago, I talked about How Safaricom could leverage QR Codes to extend Mpesa to the Lazy. I received some emails from some people; some angry, some happy. But what can I say. I am just sharing thoughts.

I did it then, And I am going to do it again. As always, I will make this idiot-proof, such that even someone who vascodilates at the mention of a female COM port will understand.

The opportunities I see leverage mCommerce, the human need to collaborate and also the need for privacy. Once again, like QR, NFC is not an end. It is a means.

1 – Social Applications

The best social application of NFC that I have seen so far is Pokens [Whats a Poken?]. I saw a Brian [ @PostersnTokens ] at #pivot25 evangelizing and selling them and the concept was really amazing. If you buy one, each device your Poken touches becomes coupled and you exchange one-time information. The information in this context was Contacts. Touch your Poken on Mine and you get my contact information [name, email, mobile, twitter, linkein, MKZ etc] and I get yours. All transferred at the NFC Speed of 424 Kbps. Super Fast. As soon as you plug your USB-enabled Poken to the PC once you reach your home/office all the contacts are automatically added as friends on your Poken.com account.

Now, because Kenyans are Kenyans (#StalkMuch), Safaricom would need to add just a PIN verification layer and BAM!! They have a hit product. I don’t know whether it is Gemalto or Oberthur that supplies the Safcom SIM Cards, but their new Generation of SIM Cards are NFC-Capable. Yes. That’s right. A technology that EVEN Korea have not tried, is already here. Talk of impetus!

Now you no longer need to buy a High-end phone. Your Mulika Umulikacho phone can now support NFC. You no longer need to type or key on someone’s number again. All you need is to let your phones touch. User defines what data can be shared and an optional PIN. Through technologies like 3G, GPRS, Binary SMS or BIP [Don't know why the Wiki Page was deleted but check here or here - better for definitions], Safaricom would then enable EACH and EVERY subscriber to be able to save their data in a cloud.

Gone are the days when someone would tell you ‘I am out of cards’ or ‘I dont have a pen’. Just let your phones touch and you are instant friends. Simple does it. Safaricom becomes the BIGGEST Telco social Network in EAC. With all my contacts saved in a cloud and all my social connections saved and secure, I would not mind paying KSHS 10 per month, to have the peace and comfort of knowing that my contacts are safe even if I were to lose my phone. So would 20M other Kenyans. Extra revenue.

Safaricom would effectively get into the space of social sites e.g. FourSquare, MKZ etc, even without trying. I enter a club and NFC [verb] my phone to the counter and PAP! I check in. All my friends already here get an alert. Depending on my private settings, of course. Safe, practical and fun.

With a Safaricom Social Network [Not SafariBook or SafWitter. Kwendeni!], avenues like adverts and easy customer service would open up.

2 – Mpesa Payment Integration

Now, this is MpesaQR on Steriods. As soon as the waiter brings the Bill, see the MpesaQR Article for thought trail, All I have to do is have my phone touch her terminal (no pun intended), and then enter a PIN. The payment becomes instant. God bless NFC.

Ofcourse, payment goes beyond coffee. Think Matatus, Think Hotels, Think School Fees.

3 – MPG

Yes. I have sung about this. I don’t want to say anything about the Safaricom Innovations board, but the question : ’when will they start working?’ always lingers.

There are only 3 MultiPlayer Games [MPGs] that are widely played in Kenya. In Stadiums, Matatus etc. They are Hakuna 1.0, Haiko Version 2 and Sijamaliza 2.1. In short. There are NONE. There is no incentive to create.

With a functional Innovations Board, soon I hope, there will be an incentive to engage people on Data. NFC, like in the 2 examples above, would be used as an enabler. As a HandShake extendor. Then the other technologies take over.

What? You think you can challenge me in a game of Chess at the back of a Matatu? Loser pays the fare? Ok, NFC me the game request and let us play!! I win, you pay the fare! Or let me take you out. #vybeMadeEasy.

Where are those Panadols?

Back to code.

Wazi.

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September 24, 2011

9:44

From a coder to a coder – a poem

» ‎ Idd Salim

September 22, 2011

16:49

How Safaricom could leverage QR Codes for Mpesa

» ‎ Idd Salim

Mpesa + QR Codes = SPEED

Yeah. I know. I have been accused of thinking too far ahead by alot of people alot of times. But allow me to indulge you for 8.2 minutes.

Think with me here.

When I was living in Uganda between 2004-2008, I had a flat nose because of the frequency at which doors of Banks, telcos and corporates were banged in my face.

Java and SMS-Based remote bank servers administration? That is too new for us. What? Realtime NSSF contributions and savings calculation, status notification and advise via Premium SMS? Naah, Ugandans can’t send SMS. GPS and AGPS-based Mobile App to locate and monitor your kids, cars and animals via GPS with geofencing? No. Uganda was too cloudy. End-to-end Sim-Based phone and SMS encryption for the Military and Police and Politicians to prevent call/sms tapping? No! We have 16K Sim Cards. This is not Kenya!

[EDITOR NOTE] The original title of this post was ‘How Safaricom could leverage QR Codes, NFC and Augmented Reality for Mpesa’, but before I could finish the QR code bit, the post was too long. So I will split the post into 3 parts. QR, NFC, AugReal. All powered by Safaricom 3G and Mpesa.

This is part 1 of 3.

And so I came back home. 4 years wasted.

QR Codes

QR Code are just that. Quick Response codes. Invented by Toyota to monitor vehicle parts using High-Speed Scanners. Quick is the keyword here. They are NOT a basic need or mandatory. But they make a difference where one has 45 seconds to transact, and not the usual 10 Kenyan minutes. Unfortunately, most Kenyan transactions fail to take place because of this. Time.

Hence cometh the QR. The need addressed here is the need to provide speed, security, efficiency and convenience.

Safaricom the other day had to start a USSD service where people could dial and get the list of ALL the PayBill business numbers for e.g. KPLC, Nairobi Water etc. People were sending money to the wrong PayBill accounts. Paying electricity bills to the AppleBees paybill number. Etc.

Just like you, I don’t remember the USSD code right now. Either I am that lazy or I have 21674 other things to remember. Not USSD codes. And I am a techie. What do you think happened to the 39, 278, 228 non-techie Kenyans. Yes. They forgot 2 minutes after reading that SMS.

Such is man. Forgetful. And thus, the need for automation. There are 350, 000+ Android phones in Kenya right now. [See AfriNovator]. Nokia is in the millions, with a good S40 or s60 that has a camera that can auto-focus (a key requirement for QR codes) being the majority.

So, the mobile clients that can run an app are there AND the need to automate Mpesa via nifty apps is there. With over 9M phones with the ability to run this solution, the development of such an App would kill 40%+ of Safaricom Mpesa headaches and ALSO increase the transactions volume.

So, how would it work?

A picture speaks 1000 words. See below.

Simple, Fast, Secure, Convinient

In a coffee shop [Call it Kahawa Tamu Shop], the attendant will hand the client a receipt with amount and QR code. The client can pay by cash or MpesaQR. The Small and Fast MpesaQR Application will scan the QR code and get information from it e.g. Price, Merchant name, Mpesa PayBill Number. After scanning, an operation that takes 3-5 seconds, the MpesaQR app will ask the client ‘Pay Kahawa Tamu Shop KSHS 1850 via Mpesa?’. Once the client presses ‘YES’, the app will display ‘Request Successful. Await Mpesa Confirmation SMS’.

Internally, Our team would liaise with Safaricom to create a secure and robust session-based arbiter to do the actual Mpesa Processing [Debiting and Crediting].

The client and the merchant then get SMSes. It will be as if the client actually went to mpesa, selected paybill, entered the correct paybill number, entered the correct amount, entered the correct PIN and confirmed. Only faster. 3 steps instead of 8.

The operation Mimics the actual navigation through the Mpesa Menus but eliminates the common errors e.g.:

Wrong Amount.
Wrong Paybill Number.

The MpesaQR App scans the code and get the information. The rest is a breeze.

Good. Now let us get our of the coffee shop and extend the MpesaQR system.

This model is extensible to ANY bill payment vertical. Water and Electricity Bills would now come with a QR code at the top-right corner. Target audience for this type of a solution is practically anyone, from anywhere, charging any amount.

Another Kenyans4kenya requiring 50 bob donations? Just scan the QR on the TV Screen or Newspapers. PAID!

School/Church needs new chairs and is asking for donations? Just scan the QR on the TV Screen or Newspapers. PAID!

Online shopper wanting to Check out from a Shop Powered by Mpesa? Just scan the QR on the Website. PAID!

Advert about a kid needing operation? We rarely donate here because we WON’T go to queue at KCB to pay to that account. But with the QR on the screen? Just scan the QR on the TV screen and Press ‘YES’. PAID!

Back to code.

Wazi.

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September 20, 2011

8:57

4 lessons learnt from the DEMO event in Silicon Valley via MedAfrica

» ‎ Idd Salim

4 BabySteps

Banx suggested that I stick to being a tech blogger and a gadgets reviewer for the next 3 months until watu watulie. Moving on swiftly.

Well, @smutinda and @mbuguanjihia represented Kenya in the just-concluded DEMO launchpad event – www.demo.com. I was privileged to get an exclusive on what happened and who won what and why. It was a success story. Letting everyone out there know that there are real coders and thinkers in Africa, contrary to common belief.

This was an awakening.

Shimba came behind a solution from Harvard with their MedAfrica product. The Harvard team, with funding, government support and the best tools (more about this later), had made a gadget that you attach to your back and it gives you a slight electric shock when you sit in a bad posture. It helps you sit better and protect your backbone.

MedAfrica was something different altogether. Given the sad fact that there are ONLY 7, 000 doctors tasked with serving 40, 000, 000 Kenyans, MedAfrica uses the fact that there already 10M mobile users in Kenya to create eDoctors. MedAfrica would cut the Doctor:Patient ratio from1:5714 to 1:4. Here is the presentation.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

The 4 lessons.

Lesson 1: Relevance Matters

Ofcourse, In being from a First-world country, this was a difficult sale. With all the online services like my MyPhysician and the rest, it was difficult to explain how so man people could not have access to basic human right like medicare. So, MedAfrica tanked in this initial round. Luckily, not winning the DEMO accolades did not amount to total failure. Team MedAfrica has another trip back to the US come end of October.

Lesson 2: Funding Matters

I can’t talk enough about this. Linet always frowns at me when I talk about this. We always seem to have a “Develop your solution, generate interest and the funding will come” VS “Give me the funding and I will give you the BEST solution” debate. I never seem to be able to explain the later, a mantra I subscribe to.

Seed capital is all developers ask for. Not Millions and Millions. Google would never have been afloat without the US$100,000 funding from Andy Bechtolsheim [Read More Here]. Facebook would not have kicked off without the first investment of US$500,000 in June 2004 from PayPal co-founder Peter Thiel [Read More Here]. I could go on the WHOLE day.

But then again, we are in Africa and funding/seed capital is a pipe-dream.

So cometh the challenge to the Universities and the Government.

Lesson 3: Government Matters

In the US, all Universities offering Computer Science have funding available for the MOST promising students. Government subsidizes and offers security for loans to IT initiatives from Government Banks. Need KSHS 5M to do a project, no problem. Your University and the Government just needs 20% shares of your company, and you will get the loan tomorrow. Try that in Kenya.

Our old-money-old-ideas mental setup, colonial-thinking and defensive business models make this impossible.

So, the innovators and thinkers are still REQUIRED and EXPECTED to fend for themselves. Think about your product, then think about the money to make the product a revenue-generating solution. Once you start making money, KRA and KAC will be sent over to see ‘how’ you make all this money. Then the ‘investors’ will come. When you don’t need them.

People who invested millions in FB and Google, ventures that had NO revenue potential or defined streams, right now are smiling all the way to the Keyboard to refresh their profits screens. There are no risk-takers here. Yet.

Lesson 4: Name Matters

Think of the power in a Name. UoN is know for Riots. Harvard is known for Excellence. Most people would still rather partner/invest in a C student from Harvard, than an A student from UoN. [If the GradeNazis would allow my use of Kenyan Grades for Harvard]. Until maturity comes to our students to elevate our name in such a manner that the very mention of UoN, Strath, JKUAT or CUEA would put a smile on investors and partners, the prejudice will remain.

Also, what we learn or are perceived to learn matters. It makes me sad that we are still teaching PHP, CSS and Javascript in Campus, 4th year. I will not belabour this point.

Kids need to leverage the Fibre and use the 4MB Ngwati links to learn things that blow the socks off investors. Talk QR Codes, NFC, e/m Payments, Cloud, Anything. Si Css.

Back to code

Wazi.

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September 19, 2011

18:58

The Se7en apologies due

» ‎ Idd Salim

After talking to quite a number of people like mature people do, I am very disappointed that my lifelong and uncontrollable hatred and abhorrence of the faggots let me get out of control and go all personal and very insulting on some people.

I spoke to my good peeps like Ndinda, Jamo and Jamo (both) and they expressed their sentiments.

The rant on the fags was ok and remains, but alot of un-neccesary collateral damage was caused.

I do not argue with people, especially when they are right and I am, blatantly, wrong. And because of that, I will apologize to the group that was hurt most.

Well, One thing that I will not retract my sentiments on is the fact that Gayism cannot, should not and WILL not be allowed in Kenya. We ain’t that ‘civilized’. Adam was given Eve. Not Steve. Humans are meant to be the most intelligent creatures on earth, but we always do the most stupid things. Even male pigs, cursed and possessed as they may be, would never hold hands, or gaze for more than 5 seconds, let alone kiss another male pig.

Faggots, in the pyramid of life and rights, are lower than pigs.

I wish I could personally apologize to the people, but I will take the next logical step and not only take down the offending blog-post, but write this personal apology to all the concerned parties.

I got all prejudicial and generalized people by association. I, shamefully, exhibited habit reserved by the elite writes for the gutter-press. Naming people is never a thing to do. The blog post could have waited until such a time that I had cooled off and could have been more mature and focused. So here we go.

Anto – Savvy, my small e-Sis, was mad at my conclusion that you were a reverse engineer just because of what some people around me quiped and also judging you based on your trade-mark high-pitched voice. This was totally immature and irresponsible, especially from a blogger with thousands of visitors per day. It is my sincerest hope that you will accept this public and personal apology. Let us bury the hatchet.

Michael – Apologies for all the name calling. Football should never make people insult one another. You said nasty things about me and Arsenal, but I will not, even for a moment, use that as a reason to be all personal. That is not the style here. My behaviour was totally unacceptable. It is my sincerest hope that you will accept this public and personal apology.

Xhosie – My anger at Mike made me say something about Mike’s team, in which you were included. I am sad that I made such a resplendent girl like you experience unprecedented melancholy. My coffee offer stands. Let me know where to send the chocolates. It is my sincerest hope that you will accept this public and personal apology.

The Faggots – Go fuck yourselves. Die today. All of you.

True. I was wrong.

Back to code.

Wazi

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September 18, 2011

10:03

My thoughts the On-going HayFest / GayFest event

» ‎ Idd Salim

Well, naturally, 2 things are automatically unacceptable to me.

Level-1 coders who think they are level-6+ and blatant in-your-face advertising.

I have lot of lesbian friends and friends who have gay friends and I am cool with that. Be all you want in life. I tell people. Even gay or a Man U fan. You will still be my friend. My rule is always simple. NEVER try to cross the boundary and we will be good.

I was happy to go to the HayFestival yesterday as my cool peeps, Jamo, GT, SM and Chunkie were there. I am not a fan of books that are not in PDF format myself but I decided to go there and, hopefully, find a book by Dale Carnegie or Robert Greene.

At the entrance, I found the always-has-something-to-say pimple-faced poet jamaa. He was manning the VIP entrance. Ofcourse, I had my Arsenal Jersey on despite the fact that we had lost to BlackBurn (long story). Hata tuki-lose, Jersey hatutoagi.

“You guy. Why do you support Arsenal while all they do is lose all the time. 7 years no trophies and you are still with them?”, He asked to the amusement of the am-single-and-ugly-fuck-me-please girls and the other idiots who were there. Now, I always care about people’s feelings when I respond to their questions, despite how stupid the questions are. So I chose the best response I could conjure.

“For an employed person like you, I understand where you are coming from. You are in a comfort zone. You will never wrap your simpleton and idiotic mind on how someone can fail and still persevere. As an entrepreneur, I am used to falling down, picking myself up and dusting off, then falling down. We never give up. We are made of steel. Not a pussy like you that googles the least risky comforts and subscribes to them. Oh, can you even spell entrepreneur? Bitch!?”. He stamped by palm and I went in to the HayFest Arena.

Like 8 out of every 9 Man U fans, he most likely did not even know who their sweeper is when they switch to 4-1-1-4 while attacking. Pussies.

And so, I went in and met my fav 5. Bought shirt and got a 7-up. I met Buggz and Dave (That Indian with 17 names totaling up to 132 bytes of data). Also there was the splendiferous Ndinda and the always-jolly Savvy and her jamaa and AKenyanGal. Liko and Ashok from Qz were also there.

Here comes the queers

Then cometh the queers. On stage was some dude that was described as Anto, but sang like Pamela. With about 17 facial piercings and jeans so tight that his balls must have been pushed to the liver, he was gyrating and singing gay songs at the stage.

“Heh!! Huyo boyie hudinya madem na hudinywa na maboyz mbaya!! Yeye ni slasher. Huenda both ways.”, someone in the crowd quipped.

Then GT gave liko some brochure. “How a woman should lick another woman’s pussy”. Fuck! Yuck! I thought it was one of those River Road papers. But noooo!! GT explained that there was an actual gay tent here.

I was between Angry and Disgusted. A Gay tent?

“Yes. Kuna a tent here ya wasee kujifunza how to be gay. How a man should kiss a man and how to lick the ass na kupea msee BJ. Kwanza kesho topic ni How Gayism and Christianity can work together.”

“Acha nicall mboyz wakamu tuwavunje. This is Satanism and Madness.”. I suggested. “Ahh, let them be.”, someone interjected. “Buy acha shoga mmoja tu aje kwa hii tent kusumbuana aone!”.

I have no problem with a man wanting to get united with another man. I have gloating Man Urinals fans as my close peeps and associates for crying out loud! How worse can it get? I am tolerant. But supporting the fags and erecting tents with Public Address Systems preaching why a man should ignore all the hot bitches in town and go for the backtackle is totally unacceptable.

The GayFest is just right next to an amusement park where kids play. Then they get handed brochures on how to lick ass and flick a clit?

And then you wonder why we have all these calamities in our country while we are openly allowing the queers?

Back to code.

Annoyed!

Wazi.

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September 14, 2011

12:29

Why you should make the Samsung Galaxy Mini your next phone

» ‎ Idd Salim

The Samsungs are here.

Well, I just had it for 3 weeks and all I can say is WOW! Since all my electronics, hata fridge, have a female name, I called the Phone Ms GalMin. My fridge is called Natasha.

This phone is in the same range of budget and feature-sets as the Auuuwiii Idiot [Aka Huawei Ideos]. Ideos is said to be the Techies Kabambe, but Ms Galmin blows it out of the water.

At only 105 grams, the phone feels like paperweight. Especially for the Kenyans wenye wameshona from carrying Sagem, Nokia 3310 and iPhones. Even happier will be the wannabe-techies who have carried heavy Laptops because they are full of ngwati.

The phone runs on Android 2.2 (Upgradable to 2.3, rootable, ROM-able) and runs on a 600 MHz ARMv6 processor and 384 Mb or Ram. Yeah I know, Salim has started speaking Greek. What does all this Mhz crap mean? Lemmi explain.

Processor cycles define how fast a phone/computer can run a process. If you want to, say open a video, take a photo, open an app, run a game etc, the HIGHER the MHz, the more seamless the user experience will be. Call it responsiveness. Like a good friend of mine once said, ‘The new Samsung phones ni kama madem wa Campo. Una-touch, inafungua. Una-touch, inafungua. No delays’

Ms GalMin makes the Ideos look like a Probox. It supports HSPA (7.2 Mbps), WiFi, Has a 3.15 Mp Camera, TouchScreen, QVGA Video Capture at 15fps, 2 GB SD (Max 32 GB), GPS, Bluetooth 2.1, Plus a lot of other goodies. Go discover!!

By default, the phone comes with:

A personal Organizer [Meetings, Notes etc]
Document viewer/editor
Image/video editor
Google Search, Maps, Gmail,
YouTube, Calendar, Google Talk, Picasa integration
Voice memo/dial

If you opt, all your contacts are stored in your gmail account, so losing your phone DOES NOT mean you lose your contacts. All your contacts are online.

Updating the ROM from the default 2.2.1 Froyo to Gingerbread 2.3.3 via custom ROM like the MIUI has the following benefits

Fonts and touch are smoother and more fluid.
Battery life extends to 1.8x more.
Improved speed and responsiveness.
Ability to use even more Apps.
Super-fast and un-interrupted Wifi .
Faster games and apps.

In the next coming weeks, I will share Howtos on how to format the Samsung phones and Install your own OSes.

Get a Samsung Galaxy Mini for KSHS 12k only from any Samsung Shop, FonXpress in Nakumatt and Stalls. Start using a SuperPhone.

Back to code.

Wazi

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September 09, 2011

12:46

The ‘ThirdWorld’ fallacy is only in YOUR mind

» ‎ Idd Salim

You are as backward as you think.

God! I hate sleep. Sleep must be from from Satan. I look at my rolex and the time is right. It is 2011 in Kenya. 1981 in Uganda and 2013 in the US. Yes, biatch! We are catching up in a year or 2.

Who in their right mind would want to sleep, while there is so much to do. So much to code. So much to learn everyday. So much to invent. So many solutions to create for human problems. So many peers to impress with your coding prowess. So many haters to prove wrong. So many doubters to show off to with your new Kompressor. Fully paid for. In Cash.

In some disciplines like Medicine, Law, Agriculture or Martial Arts, you will always be at a disadvantage if you were studying in Africa. The best doctors, lawyers etc rarely come from Africa. Lazima uende majuu ndio ukuwe mnoma. This is because these disciplines depend on structures, infrastructure, the people and finances to get the best equipment etc. One more than the other.

The same sad and colonial thinking and bench-marking used to be applied to IT until 2010. But as we get bigger and more wise, all this goes out of the window. A Kenyan Techie/Coder has THE SAME platform to leverage their knowledge like the best coders from US/K and China and Russia. This is the beauty of the Internet. Such is the beauty of being a techie. Java ni Java. MB ni MB.

Chep, A friend of a close friend of mine, just went back to the US a few weeks ago. It took her 11 days to get connected to the Internet. It takes Zuku 35 Minutes to hook up a new subscriber to SuperFast home Internet. It takes Safaricom 56 seconds to get you on Mobile Internet. Like Marie asks, “Who is in the 3rd World now?”.

An Internet connection that used to cost KSHS 56, 200 2 years ago, and was only available for Corporates now costs KSHS 2, 000 per month and is available in my bedroom. True 4mBps Internet.

We have no excuse not to be as good as if not better than our coding counter-parts out there. Even in Mars. In the US, they develop products to serve a need for people with full stomachs. In Africa, we have REAL needs that can be solved using technology. Life or death systems. Hence we have more appeal. More opportunities to express and impress. It is no wonder tech-events gets flooded by all these people from US and Europe coming to ‘listen to’ our ideas. We have the BEST ideas.

And so the challengeth cometh in:

Kenya right now is in exactly the same position South Africa was in 2002. Mobile data and Internet matured then, in SA. Finally, we have it all. Samsung bringing in phones that make the Ideos look like a Probox. Internet connections in Kenya Faster and Better than Even South Africa. What more would you ask for?

As a tech community, we have all we have ever wanted now. It is time we rose up to the challenge.

This is the model that I am sharing with anyone who cares to ask me what the next step should be:

Understand the Key Concepts of Programming. Understand Software Design. Don’t learn any language yet.
Decide to learn a real mature CORE language. [Java, C++, Python or Erlang].
Decide on a space. Mobile Apps? Web Apps? Desktop (cringe!!)
Understand the language to the bone. Not just to finish a project. In fact don’t have a project in mind. Just Know the language.
Understand Optimization, Concurrency, Data Structures.
Then now pick a project.
Identify like-minded people and delegate tasks.
Make a difference.

Let us make sure the NEXT BIG THING comes from Kenya. Apart from Mpesa and Ushahidi, there is really nothing KENYAN to talk about. Infact, there are some claims that Mpesa is Voda and Ushahidi is Harvard. So the ball is in our court.

Kenyan Twitter/Facebook? Nah! Those are TOOO 2005! think outside the ~~probox~~ box. Aim high and think Big.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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September 06, 2011

12:56

The lethargic BarclaysBankKenya robotic tellers

» ‎ Idd Salim

BBK - So much money, we turn away deposits

Well, today I am going to borrow a left from our very own immigrant from Tanzania who is known for his rants at any company, person, initiative, function, color, smell or sound. Word has it that he even has beef with his left shoe. In Uganda, they have a musician called Bobby Wine, but in Kenya, we have a Bobby Whine. Whining all the time. So, allow me to rant a-bit about Fuckin BBK.

I was having a good morning today. Woke up and finished 1 of the 3 SMS Apps I am meant to create today, finished the chapter on Application-level Preemptive multitasking in Java and had a long, warm shower. Ready to tackle the day.

My landlord still insists on a bank receipt at the payment of rent. So I cannot use the ohh-so-fuckin-cool-and-convenient online interface from the secure NIC Internet Banking solution I pay so expensively for every month. I have to go to the Bank and Queue.

I decide to head to BBK Yaya early to bank the loot. I know BBK Yaya is a for the poor people that think they have money, and it is, thusly, called Premier Business Executive VIP TunaDooMob NoPoorPeople Banking. [PBEVTDMNPP Banking].

So I had the pleasure of being accompanied by the lovely and beautiful @mariegithinji, who is my neighbor to the bank since she also wanted to pay her rent. We went in, filled in the forms and her deposit was taken. Next.. Salim.

“Are you a BBK Account holder.”, The teller asked with a sneer. I think my goatee and my white Safaricom Business shirt told the teller, ‘Huyu msee hakai ana doo’. I felt like responding with, “Err, no bitch. I bank with NIC. Why would I have a BBK Account? You have Branch on Ngong road among 15 other reasons why I wouldn’t”… But sanity got the better of me and I told her, “I don’t bank with NIC, but my Landlord is a BBK PBEVTDMNPP Account holder. I am just here to deposit.”.

“We cannot accept deposits. You are not a PBEVTDMNPP Account holder.”. I looked around. It is 9:13am. Only me and Marie at the Bank. There are 4 tellers, all Idle. And they cant fucking take deposits!! 21 questions came to my mind. Are they not taking from specific people?. “What options do I have”, I asked her, politely. “You pay 900 bob and we will take your deposit, or go to ANY other branch.”

Prestige branches are meant to be a fast-branch for Premier Club Members. Understood. But, I believe the main difference between Humans and Computers is that humans (most), can reason and apply common sense. You work at a bank, Banks main source of revenue is deposits. There are NO queues. There is a person here with a 8 Centimeters High bundle of crisp notes. Take the fucking money!! But NO! Not a BBK. Human robots.

I demanded to speak to the manager and started banging tables and kicking chairs. Not literally of-course. The retail manager was so busy doing manicure while gossiping with a female friend. So, I had to decide. Do I go back to iHub and code ama fight these rigid structures? I chose the former.

Back to code.

Wazi.

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September 05, 2011

10:43

My value concern about InMobi

» ‎ Idd Salim

InMobi : CPC is flawed

I used public transport today and it did not take me long to realize WHY I hate this mode so much. Apart from the usual risk of pick-pockets and catching the smell of cheap-cologne, there is the annoying trend of Matatu Drivers and sad Kenyans to listen to Classic105 FM.

The last thing I wanted in a Monday Morning especially after NIC Bank had frozen my funds last night was to listen to the same old regurgitated jokes from Mwalimu the CopyPaster and Minor KaGayNi talking about relationships and love for females. Ohh, the Irony. It is like me talking about how sweet pork is. Na sipendi pork. I guess once you are on TV, you become an expert on everything.

InMobi Please

So, on to inMobi. As a techie and businessman, I was at MoMo last week at the iHub and one of the talks was about inMobi. One of the phrases that had everyone wet was the fact that inMobi churned out 15, 000 Ads per Second. Now, this is good stuff. Ignoring latency and process-lags, this is still a SUPER performance by the inMobi Servers.

After the meeting, I met Wesonga and he wanted advise on how/if and when to Integrate inMobi into his mobile App. I responded the way I always respond to issues. With facts, bila bias ama matusi.

Remember, these are just my views and might be changed later as I get more information and material. As a developer, one needs to decide on the CVB [Cost Vs Benefit] of any feature you add in your app. Especially a mobile app.

The Concern:

Here is my problem, and hence a honest question and concern. InMobi charges the advertiser (and thus can ONLY pay the developers) for Clicks. Not Impressions. So your App gets the COST of getting the ads from inMobi servers (Phone process and network costs + data cost to the app user) and shows the Ad on your App (space cost on the small screen), BUT you will only get paid when a user interacts with the AD.

To me, this is a flawed business logic for the Mobile space. Mobile is about eyeballs. Not fingers. In the web-pages, interation matters and IS possible. But how does one interact with the AD on a mobile phone. How else, other than VISUALLY. InMobi should charge for impressions. Or at least the developers should be allowed to charge inMobi for Impressions. Not clicks. Not on mobile.

Consider this fictitious scenario: PSI have a ‘Mangika na Trust promotion‘ where Trusts are on sale for 2 bob. This is ALL I need to read on the mobile app to get the message. I don’t need to click or ‘engage’ the Ad. Visual engagement is enough. I think inMobi is using a Web model on a Mobile space. Wrong Move!

And this is EXACTLY why I will not use or advise anyone to use an CPC model advertising system on their app. There is NO CBV. Your app will become bloated with Ads and you will increase someone’s sales, but NEVER get paid for Anything. Or utalipwa 200 bob per month.

Then again, maybe I am wrong. Si vita. I would be glad if someone from inMobi would contact me and clarify anything I might have misreported.

Back to code.

Wazi!

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August 28, 2011

21:39

Ohh!! What a good day! Thank you Man Utd!

» ‎ Idd Salim

Lying to Arsenal fans since 2004

What a game! Welbeck scored against a top-4 team for once. Park and Rooney did the usual. Scoring against Arsenal for Kicks.

The result… well, nothing to write home about, really. Man U team A beating Arsenal team C, at Old Trafford is nothing to be proud of.

Arsenal are in shambles and hit with suspensions, injuries (already!!). It is like a 7ft tall muscular man taking a sweet from a toddler and boasting about his conquest. Even Liverpool beat us AT HOME and we drew to Newcastle. Big deal? Right? WRONG!!

But let us not lose perspective here. 2-1 or 3-2 is a normal score for a Man U vs Arsenal match. Like I said LOSING is not the problem. It is LOSING BADLY that is. Quite simply this game was a rout, an embarrassment, a roasting, a hammering, a devastating day for Arsenal. My initial reaction after the match was to buy some Man U fans next to me a few rounds. Partly because my heart was at peace. I was happy to FINALLY and FOR ONCE share a table with Man U fans who knew something about football. People who know what position Dennis Irwin was playing. Who was wearing Number 7 before Cantona. Not the 2008/Ronaldo/Beckham Man U fans we see all around. Also, I threw a few rounds to aid the celebration of beating Arsenal. Because they are Man U fans, generally, hawanaga doo. They had been BJ-ing the same bottles since the Man City game. Ahem!

I was sad for Van Persie. Sad for Arshavin and Sad for Rosicky and Theo. Worldclass players forced to play with toddlers against a team of the caliber and might of Man United (Yes. United. Not urinals today. We have to respect the winners.) I am not angry that we lost. I am SORRY for the players.

But that is where my Sadness ends. The rest is all bliss. A simple 1-0 win for Man U would have made Wenger think we are OK. But a complete annihilation that it became showed Arsenal up for the pussies they are. A team with no Spine and in need of a monster DM, defender and midfield maestro. Thank you Man United.

When Fabregas left, he stated that he left because:

He had been at Arsenal for over 7 years and won NOTHING. This is because of empty promises of signing players that never materialized and continually being made to play with players of a low pedigree. With 7 years at Arsenal he won nothing. With 2 weeks at Barcelona, he has 3 medals. In Arsenal, as soon as players mature, they move on.

Players like Van Der Vaart were available for dirt-cheap. Stingy Wenger signs Chamakhkhk. Ashley Young was available for 15M. Wenger signs Oxygen Chamber for the same amount. Young showed his class today.

City are signing Dzeko, Aguero, Silva, Baloteli, Nasri and the like. Chelsea are onto Mata. Man U are signing better young players and still RETAINING their best still. Fucking Wenger is on a firesale. Losing Fabregas and Nasri and Clichy and only bringing in 3 kids.

Discipline is also a factor. We can’t have Gervinho fighting on the pitch and getting a red-card EVERY GAME and hope to challenge for top 6. Soon we will receive a fine from the FA.

Most likely, the Arsenal Board was playing golf and not even bothering about the game. That is how much they don’t give a fucx. By December, Arsenal will be 13th, Jus a point above Bolton and Blackburn. They will be out of the CL and out of Europa.

By then, I will be a Thousanddaire and Kompressing.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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August 23, 2011

23:18

The potential of local brain-drain

» ‎ Idd Salim

THINK for us, please

I have just finished the sad story of Spotify and it nearly made me spitify on my keyboard.

In the US, a lazy bum can just register a patent and sit there for years waiting for someone to ACTUALLY invent something related to the patent and the SUE them and live happily and rich ever-after.

Just a few weeks after Spotify entered the US Market, it hit 700, 000 users in the US and KUJA HAPA, they got sued for Copyright Infringement.

Pathetic. Sad. Really.

And so, you want to know, “What is this brain drain that you speak of, Salim?”. Well, read on. I will not leave you hanging.

Absence of Patent/Copyright

To my own knowledge (and I will graciously accept correction) IP law in Kenya is as nonfunctional as VB code on a Mac. Wine or no wine. Let us say I invent a way to make coders understand what all the fuss is about Justin Bieberre (See, I can’t even spell it.), It will take me 100 times longer, 100 times more hustle to get a patent for that in Kenya than in the US.

The bonus is that if I were (God forbid) a US Citizen, then it would be smooth sailing. I can come to Africa, Listen to an Idea and go patent it in the US. Then wait for these bloody Africans to go big and enter the US market with ‘My product’… and… Kaching!!

Tech-Challenges

We all know African Tech Solutions. Ushahidi, Mpesa come to mind. Apps made by Africans for Africa. Because African solutions are made on an empty stomach, they address a REAL need. A real problem. Not AngryBirds. HungryCoders. No one will give you USD 1M to start an experiment and ‘see how the market responds’ in Africa. So, Tech-challenges leave a lot of coders flat-nosed.

Tech-Challenges present another problem. We see them every now and then and I am big Fan of them, because of the investment opportunity they give local developers. But what about Idea Protection. Are we in a position to protect out ideas.

I am not going to be all nasty and disrespect IPO48, Pivo25, AppCircus or any of the local developer challenge initiatives. These challenges offer a NOBLE and REAL opportunity for Devs to get their app to the next level. But what happens after the events? What happens to the 17 who miss out after the top 3 slots have been taken.

What stops vultures from taking their ideas, shipping them to China or India and using the resources the developers don’t have (time and money) and killing another Kenyan Dream?

So, what now?

Are we fucked? It all depends. You need to decide what you want as a developer. Obviously, there is NEVER room for HelloWorld Apps in developer contests. But what about the Mutindas, the Wesongas, the HildaSams and the Mwais of the local space. How do we protect these people. How do we make sure that not winning in App contests does not spell the end?

What models can we adopt to make sure the Investor’s money is just a by-the-way. The only person I know who believes and invests actively in Local Techies financially is JM. The rest are just happy to invest old-money on old-models. 100 bob making 120 bob, instead of 100 bob making 600 bob.

I don’t yet think Mbetsa is a Millionaire as he should be. He invented a Kenya’s-First and possibly Africa’s-First. But what next after the invention?

Someone once suggested that we start a Kenyan SharkTank. But who will be the hosts?

What do you think can be done to salvage the sitiuation? Tell me. Discuss [20 Mks]

Back to code…

Wazi.

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August 21, 2011

13:27

How a twitter account can be ‘Hacked’

» ‎ Idd Salim

Hacked? Really?

Well, today morning I woke up to a barrage of ‘Iz How?’ messages from my friends.

Rimbui, Msupa, Archer, Zack, Mumbi, Vuyanzi, Lisege etc were all in lamentation.

Seems that someone/something had gained access to my Twitter Account in the hours between 6am and 9am and was sending them ‘funny’ links.

We are not speaking Funny, HAHA here. But links with Spam content, porn and Man U games highlights. The kind of things we ALL abhor. I was stuck between being embarrassed and impressed by the ‘hacker’. So i decided to investigate.

This article should actually be on TechMataa.com‘s Hacking and Security Section, but I will post it here, and there, later.

So, How can this happen?

When it comes to site passwords [gMail, Google, FaceBook, Twitter, Ngwati etc], there are ONLY 3 ways that your account can be used by someone else without your permission:

Someone using an active session from a machine you have used but forgotten to log out of. e.g. A CyberCafe. This is the most common one.
Someone guessing/sniffing your password. If you use public spaces [iHub, NaiLab, KICC] and don’t have a complex password, this will happen. People will sniff your password if you are not using [HTTPS.]
3rd party sites that you have allowed account access getting compromised. The site hacker now has access to YOUR account.

What twitter recommends:

Twitter has a support page for people whose account has been ‘hacked’. I won’t copy-paste here and try to sound all-knowing. Read from there and learn.

My additional thoughts:

Services like Google and WordPress offer you a link to ‘Log Out All Sessions’, even from machines you don’t/can’t access. Twitter does not, AFAIK. Always log out before leaving! Don’t allow public browsers to ‘Remember Password’
A paranoid solution to password sniffing is to always use twitter [HTTPS] , although this will make your sessions slower and make twitter servers busier. [HTTPs] should be used sparingly and only on actions that REALLY require a secure connection.
Use a strong password. Yes, this was my mistake. We know this is ONLY twitter. Not your server, or email. But use a strong password. My old password had not been changed since 2009 and it was something like salim123. Very easy to guess and brute-force. I know. I am totally ashamed by this. Learn from my mistakes. Your password should have at least a special character, caps and numbers. E.g. &mAdemw@Kenya! or #manUniM%sh0_ga.
Allowing access to third-party sites is a good things as it saves you from having to log in every time you need to use their services. However, be careful who you allow! Don’t allow perpetually, and occasionally, go to the twitter page for App permissions and see who you don’t need to allow any more and revoke the access.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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August 15, 2011

15:46

Lessons from the just-concluded IPO48

» ‎ Idd Salim

Private Initiative. One Winner

The IPO48 developer challenge just ended yesterday. The winners were announced. The prizes were awarded. Tusqee systems came out tops.

Some of my friends did not win and I was very sad. Ile doo ya kiwi na vaseline walikuwa wanikopeshe ikaenda down the drain.

So, I decided to make it personal and write a post about how much a circus and a sham the IPO48 event was. But gutter-press beat me to it. Pouring dirt and mud-slinging a very noble PRIVATE effort to fund local ideas and empower local developers.

My personal top 5 were PesaPay, mOrder, MyOrder, Tusqee, 6Degrees and Ghafla. In no particular order. This MAINLY because the solutions addressed an existing need, and ALSO because they are people I have dealt with in various capacities and I see winners in them. Like I said in the Pivot25 Winners Post, you can only beat what is placed in front of you.

But let us analyze IPO48, without getting all hormonal.

IPO48 is an initiative by a group of Individuals who want to bootstrap startups and challenge them to come up with an innovative solution that makes people’s lives better AND has a practical revenue model. This is something the ICT Board has failed to do. This is something the Government has failed to do. Now we finally have it happening here, and we STILL talk badly about it?

IPO48 is not under the Government of Kenya. Not under RedCross or UN. It is not the techies’ equivalent of KenyansForKenya. It is not a mercy-model initiative that gifts wannabes and HelloWorld gurus. No. That is why only a select few make it past the elimination. The out of the chosen ones ONLY one or two can win. Logically. Everyone cannot be a winner. No matter how fair we want to become.

Like I said before, ‘Investor si mama yako. Unless ni mama yako‘. For those with a brain, learn and get better. Next year it will be you, if you are up for it and lucky/good enough. For those who want to go home and cry to mamma, have a blast!

As always, investors look for:

Problem solvers. Solutions that address a NEED.
Monetizable problem solvers. The solution must be able to generate revenue.
Scalability. The solution must be easily scalable and replicatable.
Practicality. Solution must be practical and NOT-NECESSARILY unique or ground-breaking. It should JUST work.

Tusqee had a solution to an existing problem. Nothing new. We have many SchoolSMS systems. But theirs was their PRIMARY BUSINESS. Not a by-the-way 5th product. Investors want to know that their money will be used on ONE thing.

SMS is easily accessible and requires nothing special e.g. JavaPhone, Internet and Installations. I think this is why more advanced systems like mOrder and PesaPay came short. The shortest path to market. Path of least resistance.

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August 12, 2011

18:13

But who exactly is your audience?

» ‎ Idd Salim

I just reached 1, 069 followers on twitter today. One thousand and Sixty nine. Yes. 69. My favorite number. Even my last seasons Arsenal Jersey is number 69. And that’s what’s up!

After being on twitter for 8 months now, I can see the demarcations.

Ofcourse, I joined in April 2009, just to reserve the IddSalim name. Branding storoz.

When @Safaricom_Care invited what they called the ‘Top Bloggers in Kenya‘ last week to the ‘Safaricom Bloggers and GutterPress CockTail‘, there was a discussion on twirra about this. What makes one a top blogger in Kenya? Is it undeniable literary proficiency that captivates the audience? Is it talking about things that affect all of us in a mature subtle manner? Is it sticking to the truth and NEVER manipulating it to suit your cause? Or is it being discordant, peevish and querulous all the time.

My take was that someone in Safcom PR either did NOT know the big divide in the Kenyan blogoshpere and hence invited everyone … Or knows the divide ohh, so, well and feared kutukanwa na gutter-press. Bado Hamjazoea kutukanwa?

So I called and DM’ed some buddies there and my question was : ‘Is this a bloggers cocktail or a gutter-press cocktail?’. I made it very clear that my time, morals and target audience does not allow me to mingle with people with literary malfeasance and irresponsible writing.

But on chat, a friend got online and started to ‘try to make me see the point’. ‘Salim, it is all about traffic and followers’, He said. ‘These guys might be gutter-press, but collectively 2 of them have over 10, 000 followers in twitter. That is not a mean feat’.

What? I beg your pardon? Twitter followers is a mark of being an eCeleb in Kenya? I saw someone rake in 3500 new followers in ONE NIGHT just by insulting a Minister in the Kenyan Government. Is that how low we have stooped? Anything for fame? Are the followers all lost sheep in search for a shepherd in any shape, size of IQ?

I will happily sleep at night with 200 twitter followers, a following consisting of top journalists, news anchors, CEOs, Managers, Coders and Hacker in Kenya, that 8, 000 lesbians and halfwits.

Wait… Traffic also matters? Well, yeah, I know it does. But do you consider things like IQ and purchasing power of the readers? You are what you read and eat. Read negative and hormonal complaints every morning, and you become negative and dull. Birds of a feather flock together. Also, Javascript and CSS hits are not really a show of traffic. I would challenge everyone who wants to talk about traffic to publish a public and real-time url for their site visitors like I have done.

I think, fundamentally, it is a question is respecting yourself and your time.

But then again, we can’t all be equally busy and focused. There are alot of cooks, watchmen and shoe-shiners who add up to twitter-followers and site readers. The “Watcha tukasome tuone leo ametukana nani. Last week ilikuwa Kahenya.”.

You would be surprised how many people would participate in a “Chagua Mtu Tumtusi This week ukwachu Nangos” promotion where you send the name of a prominent person and he gets slandered on a blog for kicks.

Hence the question. Who do you subscribe to? How much is your 5 mins to read a blog post worth? Ama you are idle all day?

Back to code…

Wazi.

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11:49

Life lessons from the Nasri, Cesc Saga

» ‎ Idd Salim

Even the best are replacable

Finally. If all the ‘credible’ news sources are to be believed, these two are finally leaving Arsenal today.

Nasri will be sold to Man City and Fabregas will finally be allowed to get re-united with his bromancers at Barca.

Both within the next 48 hours.

Arsenal Fans are split on this. Nasri was ‘good’ last season. For a game or 10. Cesc has always been Cesc. Master-passer and ball holder. I will not be all gutter-pressish and player-hattering on them and TRY to even suggest that they are not good players and that we will not miss them. Cesc more than Nasri ofcourse. We will miss them. Big time.

But then comes the realities of life.

Cesc is in love with Barca. He was taken from Barca, and now wants to go back. Blame the trophy draught. (Well, if you ignore the fact that the reason we did not reach the CL semis or better is because Cesc ‘accidentally’ back-heeled the ball to Xavi who passed to Messi for their goal.). Blame Wenger’s penny-pinching and mean spending. Blame the young squad. Blame the Bad football played in England rendering all the good players ALWAYS injured. Blame it on the Anti-Arsenal racist media. Blame the rain. Blame oxygen. Cesc was always going.

That is why Wenger signed Arshavin and the likes of Ramsey and Wilshere so that as soon as Barca put a price that we want, 35M+, then Cesc would be sold without us feeling a thing. By then, Arshavin will have adapted to the EPL and Ramsey and Wilshere will have matured. Talk of a Genius MasterStroke from Wenger.

I would be more worried if Vermaelen, Wilshere and Van Persie left right now. Cesc and Nasri are HUGE and important players. But Midfielders. And these, we have plenty of.

The Life Lessons

I see two lessons here:

1 – Prepping: Some things in life are un-avoidable. Planning for change if a MUST for any organization or setup. Your best will leave. And leaving will hurt you big. Especially if you did not have an apprentice or a better/equal player in place, ready to step in. We suffered this once in 2007 when Gilberto AND Flamini left before Song and Diaby could mature. Song is better now but Diaby is the same old lazy, slow, indecisive fuck he was 3 years ago. Totally stagnated. No improvement whatsoever.

You must plan and prepare for change and adapt. Otherwise you will fail. Because change is inevitable.

2 – Prunning: It was painful for the more Artistic Gunners like me to watch players who DO NOT want to be in the club get a regular spot every year. More saddening was seeing players who are inundated in hubris and delusions of grandeur block better prospects from playing. I am sure Merida is now kicking himself. He should just have waited one year.

No matter how good one is, if they are NOT part of the team, or feel MORE IMPORTANT and worthy that the rest, then a decision needs to be made. No player is better than the team.

Cesc was never a fit Captain. But Wenger knew that the best way to keep the kid was the ArmBand. As he plans for a replacement.

We will miss Cesc and Nasri. But Arsenal was here before them. And will be here loooooooog after they are gone.

Cesc will be behind Xavi, Alcantara and Iniesta. I guess he likes it that way.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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August 08, 2011

18:12

Why I have settled for CodeIgniter

» ‎ Idd Salim

They all come in different shapes, sizes and color. Anything really. Cars, pens, niniis and kereas.

The PHP frameworks cannot be left behind. I have tried all with some various degrees of success.

I nearly gave up searching and learning and decided to design my own Framework doing all the common things I do in a pre-packaged manner. That is what a framework should do. Then cameth the enlightenment.

Kohana, YII (former PRADO), DOOPHP, Zend, CakePHP, Symphony all aim to address the purpose of a framework. To ease software development. But if I have to spend a month or 2 studying a framework, a new templating dialect, I am better off doing Erlang or Lua with my time. Seriously. By the time you start to master version 1.1, version 1.2 is released. With a completely NEW model.

Rasmus Lerdof suggests that NO ONE should use a framework. He suggests we all write a set of functions to do our common tasks and make our own ‘NoFramework’. I totally agree with this. Also, an analysis of all frameworks and models is here. CI wins.

The common failings are:

Bloat-ware : Most systems come with alot of bloat. To just say HelloWorld, you need to load 100KB of files. Whatever happened to a simplicity?
Tight-Coupling : Each library depends on 7 others to perform its basic tasks. One missing file, despite being totally unneeded, will render your app unusable.
Cryptic OO – Most Framework developers are there to show off and even the most mundane PHP code is OO. Java-like classes to do simple things like DB disconnects, all for showoff. Programming/Coding is hard enough. Why add another layer of complication?
Code that Makes coffee – Most development tasks are routine and if specialized code is needed, then plugable libraries are easier to develop/plug-in that trying to understand bundled one-solution-fits-all ‘FrameWorks’

So, Why Code-Igniter?

CodeIgniter is everything a PHP coder tired of doing the same code over and over would wish for to Santa.

I won’t type/copy-paste everything here and pretend to have come up with it so as to get traffic or an iPad, so here goes: Click and learn why.

I will start posting sites I will have done using CI here, soon.

Watch this space.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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12:23

Introducing the TechMataa Tech Blog

» ‎ Idd Salim

TechMataa - Here to forge a Niche

A very learned friend of mine, [Name with-held asitukanwe], floated an idea to me last week. “Salim, how about we start an Ideas-Pool of a blog to talk about tech stuff and share our vast knowledge in all tech verticals? Think Servers, Security, Code, BestPractices, HowTos, ZeroDay Stuff, Hacking, Government?”, she said.

“Go on.”, I said with a smile on my face. This was interesting.

“Basically, we will be shedding light on technology. Kumulika the TechScene na Bright Mataas, metaphorically speaking. Demystifying things that people don’t understand or do not know are possible.”

So we thought of a catchy name for the blog.

We needed a name that is not partisan [Not specific to phone type, OS, Language, Packages, Distros etc. So names like LinuxKenya.or.ke ama WindowsNiYaWannabes.co.ke ama iPadNaN8.com was out].

We needed a name that is a metaphor [We are techies shedding light on technologies and demystifying stuff. Tunatoa watu kwa mataa]. We needed a community portal of technology written by REAL techies. Not Armchair tech-preneurs. Not the ‘I think’ or ‘someone said’ or ‘it must be’ way of writing. Real solutions and guidance based on experience and real knowledge.

So the name was born. Set to launch on September 1, 2011, TechMataa is aimed at carving a niche.

“Isn’t there a blog named like that or close to that?”, I asked her. “A real tech blog? None that I have heard of.”, she responded. “Are you sure?”, I asked. “Well, there is nothing legally wrong in parking our Kompressor next to a Vitz”, she said. I was confused. But I went on and registered the domain, on their behalf. My task in this all TechMataa phenomenon will be to Host and maintain the site. The content will be community-generated.

The mission

“So, what is thing TechMataa thing that you speak of, Salim?”, you ask, Batiatas-esquely.

It is an initiative to address the following topics:

Investment opportunities in Kenya – Weekly AppReview.
SuperServers – The creations of Kenya’s First SuperComputer cluster.
Hacking, Security, R.U.N.S.A.F.E.
Women In tech.
Life of a coder/techie/hacker in Kenya.
Clean and verified Content. No personal issues. No insults or attacks to people or brands. We are here to educate, not attack.
Business/investment advise for techies.

So, what is needed?

We have all we need in terms of infrastructure. All we need are columnists. All that we need now is, WRITERS. Pick your section from above. Suggest some, if not there but relevant to tech. Send an email to tech@techmataa.com expressing interest and the TechMataa team will get back to you. #justSharing.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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August 04, 2011

16:13

How to beat User Fatigue In #KenyansForKenya

» ‎ Idd Salim

Let us get innovative

One of the good things about philanthropic efforts if that they gather support pretty fast. There is always the element of human weakness/strength that makes one want to help those who are less fortunate, afflicted, down, struggling etc. This is a good thing. Kenyans are now doing what anyone would do. Help the hungry.

I am a very vocal and active supporter of the #KenyansForKenya initiative and so it gives me great pleasure to share with you (BizMinds, Thinkers, Bloggers, Techies, The Salim-amesema-nini-tucritisize crew and the lets-find-faults-in-everything-everyone-else-does-because-we-are-doomed-losers brigade.) some few ideas to scale the initiative.

Slowly, we are reaching the end of what The Media, Bob, Twitter etc can do. We are at 121.6 M according to The official #K4K site, which represents 24.32% of the target aimed at. User fatigue is checking in. Slowly but surely. As a friend of mine would put it, ‘wasee wanaboeka na hii story’.

A few positive things make me glee with hope, nevertheless:

End Month – It is finally end-month/Start Month. A few checks are clearing this week. Bars like K1 are already getting all creative on this and are donating KSHS 50 for each bottle of beer bought towards the #k4k. People finally have some loose cash to spend 100 bob per day to #K4K is not such a BIG ask anymore.
Corporates – EABL will donate KSHS 10M tomorrow according to a rumor Bob shared on twitter. We just need 9 more Corporates to do that and we will reach 50% of the target. The challenge falls to The Big Wigs.
Ramadhan – Shari-Ramadhan is here. No indulgences to the non-strict conformist Muslims. More money is thence available and can be channeled here. Also, it is the Month of harvest of rewards from Allah. Anything good done in the Month of Ramadhan is rewarded 100-fold. This is a challenge to the Muslim community.
Media Push – The media is still unrelenting. Pushing the initiative like they can and should. In as much as some dont-know-any-better presenters from stations like Kiss FM insult Arsenal fans and try to make it funny when talking about donations (Ignoring the fact that gunners run this country and hence compromising the initiative), it is all going on well. Kudos the media!! On the flip-side It is seen as hypocritical and vain at times when some corporates donate, not out of heart, but for Media Mentions, photo-ops and New headlines.

“So,”, you ask Batiatas-esquely, “what is this user fatigue thing that you speak of?”

User fatigue is a condition/situation where users of a service/product get tired of routine. Simple as. Facebook changes their site layout, wordings, CSS etc every 48 hours so as the give the impression of an evolving real-estate.

#k4k can beat this user fatigue by using the following 4-pronged approach:

Creative Ads – Something fresh. A picture of success. I know people who switch their TV sets to AV when the pictures of the suffering people are shown. They can’t handle the sight. Yeah. Judge them if you want. Yes. You are perfect. Or, alternatively, create something that they can relate to. There are lots of examples on the web.
Incentives - I know people are meant to be doing this from their heart. Etc. Etc. Keep on that holier-than-thou attitude and watch the numbers fall. Once you get out of your small world, you see that some people will NEVER do anything they are not benefiting from. I agree. Some people need to donate to GOD because they want to. Like me and you. This is noble and surreal. But let us not ignore the people that need to be tricked to donate. An SMS Radio/TV driven campaign like, “Guess the donation SUM at 4PM today and win 500 Bob Credit. SMS your guess e.g. 120000000 to 1234″ would sell like a hot cake.
SocialGames – Last week I was showing my peeps at the Hub a quick-hack of an Android game I had put together. It is called AngryKenyans where one would hurl stones at the parliament aiming at specific places until the parliament collapses and ‘kills’ all the MPs marked as ‘Greedy’. Now, such a game could be changed in max a week to work for #k4k. The Target could be the worst MP of the week, the saddest news story of the week and people BASH it with… drumrolls.. purchased weapons. Purchases via Mpesa, Zap etc. All proceeds go to #k4k.
Live Metrics - Yes. Realtime mertics showing how much is being donated. Show what percentage is donating Below 1000. Show what peaktimes people donate the MOST money or the MOST lumpsum. Give people that ‘unaachwa nyuma’ guilt. I know, we have one on the #k4k site. But these are flat numbers. People need EyeCandy. Give it to them.

Wawaw!!! BlogMuch!!

Back to code.

Wazi.

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August 01, 2011

5:52

The cake, the eating and the having

» ‎ Idd Salim

It is a dusty *cough!!-cough!!* beautiful morning here in J2. The Fact that @ekaduki and MugambiSaf are my neighbors always tells me that I am in the right neighborhood. I am all smiles as I rise to day 1 of 30 of Ramzan.

I slept well last night especially after watching Julie read out the numbers from Vodafone mPesa about how much was donated in the #kenyansForKenya #feedKe campaign.

It is eye-soaking what ‘good-hearted’ people Kenyans are. I heard of the story of the Mboch who told the employer NOT to pay her fully for July but donate HALF the money to #111111.

The mellifluous @JulieGichuru went on to talk about the flurry of amounts streaming in and I was so proud of the Man U fans for all the 20 bobs and 30 bobs that were streaming in. This was a case of people LITERALLY giving the little they had. Actually, the LITTLE they always have. The fact Man Urinals Team A beat Barcelona Team D and won the American Chumpions league might explain the selfless generosity, but nevertheless, every little bit helped. No matter how little. Little.

But that is not the topic for today. Today we talk about the philosophy of life, as usual.

The phrase “One cannot have their cake and eat it” [1812] is a adulterated version of the original phrase: “wolde you bothe eate your cake, and have your cake?” [John Heywood - 1546].

The original version was straightforward and meant what everybody would decipher. You simply cannot USE something conclusively [e.g. the irreversible act of eating] and then still HAVE it [at hand and ready to be re-eaten].

The new version, loosely translated, means either of 2 things.

In my readings, Paul Brians, Professor of English at Washington State University, explains it best.

Meaning one

One cannot have their cake and eat it, where have means possess, own, hold etc and eat means use, benefit from etc. It it a common thing in modern society. You cannot enjoy the fruits of your smart [or hard if employed] labor.

There are always things/situations/people to make sure you don’t enjoy life despite the rewards you have. Pesky city council officials, gutter press, laws, mututho, emergencies and accidents etc. You simply do not have the peace and space to enjoy what you reap after sowing.

Meaning two

One cannot have their cake and eat it, where have means eat, devour [e.g. have a cup of coffee etc] and eat still has the same cyclic meaning but with an intended beneficial end to it. This is the classic example of someone wanting to use their butter and sell their butter.

Meaning 2 is similar to the saying that one “cannot have it both ways”. Or one cannot have “the best of both worlds”. Stop being greedy. It is either-or.

They both, have their place and meaning in modern life, nevertheless. It all depends on implementation.

Hope this helps clear the air. Wiki away, too.

Back to code…

Wazi!

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July 28, 2011

8:53

What are the reasons we blog?

» ‎ Idd Salim

On mission. 17 Reasons

I was having a splendiferous day, as usual and got a nice email questionnaire from the ever-jolly, social and pulchritudinous @ndinda_ last week.

There were 10 questions in there, but question ONE got me thinking deep and hard. [Ofcourse, knowing me, knowing me... I like doing my things deep and hard].

So, thence, cometh the questions.

Q1 – Why do you blog?

I remember in 2009 before I started my blog. There was so much going wrong and someone needed to talk about it. I am talking about the IT sector. So, the NEED was there. Like I mentioned in my Nitwits/Idiot’s guide to blogging, registering a domain and setting up wordpress is just a mundane task. My cat can do it. Also, getting people to your website is not a problem. There are hundreds of thousands of Kenyans idle and looking for content to pass time.

These mindless types will go for anything sensational, re-tweet it and look for the facts later.

Actually, at first, I wanted to start a blog just for insulting people. I wanted to call it TM, [TekeMangumi.com]. Of course, In such a blog, all you need is just 3560 people to insult per year and you got yourself 10 posts per day. Ohh, what traffic!! Throw in some GoogleAds and Kaching!! You got yourself a ka 50k per month. Doing nothing. Being Nothing.

Baaah! Too easy. Any idiot could do that. Actually, idiots do that already. So that blog-space was already taken. And it is protected by Mbwa Kali. #estateDog.

Then another Idea came in. Why not blog about HIV/AIDS or the prostitutes in Majengo and Kibera. Hmmmn.. Interesting. How about pretend to be a prostitute/gay and make an online diary speaking about ‘my life’? Surely, the media and the world will die/kill to come interview me. YES!!!

But no. That is boring. It would be more interesting to talk about the color of the Thika Road Tarmac. Next idea please!

So, you difficult-to-impress-Salim, how about something that will intellectually challenge the readers. Write about spirituality, success, philosophy, hacking and coding. Write about your life. The lessons the hardships and the good-times. Something that will make you RELEVANT to the current space. Something that will make Bob, Rimbui, Too, Afro, Banks etc read AND comment on your blog with a warm feeling in their heart. YESS!!

And so the journey began. Those were my reasons. The need to relate with like-minded people. The need to challenge and hopefully change/discourage simple-minded thinkers. The need to show people that since we were not handed stuff on a silver platter, we need to GO and TAKE that platter. The need to talk about events and people with REAL facts. Not manufactured fucts.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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July 26, 2011

10:56

One month with the lovely Ch@t Duos

» ‎ Idd Salim

July 22, 2011

11:18

The Vitz-Kenyan Ceiling – Finish school, get employed, buy a vitz, Tukanana

» ‎ Idd Salim

I was all smiles yesterday when I checked the comments some people had posted on my blog from a certain employee of Temenos [Is that a Dentist Firm?? Sincerely, Sijui]. I was saddened by the fact that someone who can use a comuter, in 2011, could reason like the Flintstones.

Here I am with a few REAL coders like AfroWave, SoyFactor and Muniu and real entrepreneurs like Mbugua and Majani. Hustling daily to bring out some true KENYAN SUCCESS STORY. Stories of people who started from NOTHING and became THE_THING.

If you ignore the wonderful Ushahidi and the bloated ELMA [Plus a few Cool Apps like AroundMe, MedKenya, Tuvitu, NikoHapa, c_360, m-Order], there are not many apps that we can talk about as Kenyan Apps out there turning heads. Of course, we wish to add to this in September when my crew and I will finish some euberApps that we are working on.

The comment was something to the effect that : “If you were that Good, the the CEO of CS would hire you immediately.”. I was first offended. Me? Hired? Are you on drugs? But then it all came back to me. These people are in a small-thinkers circle. Go to school, cram and get good results, finish, get a job, climb the corporate ladder [Horizontally or Diagonally], die.

There is no room for real inventors. All of us must be employed and slaving for some boss somewhere to be seen as successful. If you ain’t hired, then you ain’t any good. It is this thinking, common among the mediocre, that leaves one with a lot of month at the end of the money.

I started reminiscing on the fact that the reason that I am now working at ANY company doing anything close to telco and IT is by choice. The need to be free. The knowledge that I can go to work at 10am and leave at 9PM and no one asks me questions. It comes with discipline and sacrifice.

No wonder my CV has not been updated since 2009. What for?

Trust me, I am better off working for myself at a USD 4k project a month and bag ALL the money, that get involved in a BIG USD 2000000 project and take home a pathetic USD 2000-4000 paycheck per month. Sure, you will buy your vitz, when the real coders are still on ShoeBaru, but in time, the END justifies the MEANS.

But then again, not all of us were meant to be free thinkers. Some of us are comfortable sitting behind a computer screen and insulting all the hustlers out here. Yeah, Until you get fired.

Back to code

Wazi.

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July 21, 2011

10:50

The slowly brewing IddSalim vs CS ‘beef’

» ‎ Idd Salim

Salim Hatupendi

Well, we have all seen it. Kenyans love that word. Beef. Greet someone on Twitter and the fail to respond and some loser will post something like ‘#tweef’ or ‘#tweefAlert’. Whistle-blowers for something with no need for an alarm. I say something in 2009 about the way the OLD but, now beloved, Safaricom was treating developers and giving access to only a few and ‘Salim has Beef with Safaricom’. Beef, Beef, Beef.

Is this the case of people talking about things they cannot afford? Beef?

Wait, Now IddSalim is beefing about these people with beef with him. Beef. Right?

You begin to wonder. Don’t these losers have a life? No wonder some gutter-press blogs get so much traffic. People always focusing on the negative and seeing/making trouble where there should be none.

The difference between this blog and the gutter-press we know of is that these are things I can PROVE. Not CLAIM to be able to prove. But actually be able to.

Step In CS

I blog about the problems I have seen at Banking Websites done by CS and try to ‘tell them to style up and secure these sites before the russians come in’. But NOOO! This is an attack to their manhood.

People start following me on twitter asking me to ‘Hack to prove’. As if I was born yesterday.

Setting the record straight, I have no issues with CS. Even the fact that ELMA seems to be 72-apps-in-one does not bother me. Of course, with their m/billions, they can afford to give all the local developers a big ‘F Y’. It is like our own little China in Kenya. Come up with an Idea, and it will be part of the humongous ELMA tomorrow. To me, it is a local Snaptu on steroids. This is something about whose negative effects on the local dev scene I could blog about for a week.

But I choose to address real issues. Real Financial Risks. Real Insecure websites. Risks to innocent Kenyans.

I am not envious about their awards and BBC articles. Everyone has their 13 seconds of fame. What I fear for is the example they are setting to the Kenyan Kids. Someone once asked me, “But CS websites are insecure. Does that not show that you don’t REALLY need security yet in Africa for your solutions to sell?”. I was saddened.

I will be very happy to blog about the security revamps on the affected sites if CS can fix this. Until then, it is only fair to talk about the pregnant elephant in the room. Or, like most of us, we can ignore it and act as if everything is OK.

What do you think?

Back to code…

Wazi.

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July 20, 2011

15:32

The need for a LEGIT Kenyan Hackers’ Initiative

» ‎ Idd Salim

Secure Server Room

Yes. We all fear to speak about it.

At least those of us with no balls. [No offence to my female readers. You have 2 eyeballs.]. But without

I have faced a lot of negative bile [double-double for effect] from Paranoid company execs and what we call puSysAdmins [HelloWorld-Solex-Sysadmins who know can't spell Dyslexia.] every time I have spoken about insecure banking systems and insecure banking technologies that make it easy for all the current Bank Fraud we see in Kenya e.g.:

Data records being deleted and Digital Money disappearing. Like we saw in PostaPay where money was entered manually in the DB and then DELETED after you withdrew from an Agent. Zero Trace. Millions lost. Sabotage from IT? Maybe. Orders from greedy and unscrupulous management? I think so.
Illiterate ‘IT Managers’ being trusted with posts and responsibilities whose security requirements and implications they know nothing about.
Companies being awarded IT-Security related tenders because of ‘Knowing Someone’ and not because of ‘Knowing Something’
Spaghetti ‘Computer PornGrammers’ writing insecure code and thinking that just putting a sign that says ‘Site Secured by Thawte’ on a HTTP site with no cert-trace at all will scare hackers shitless. The ‘Mbwa Kali Kuliko Nacet’ way of thinking.

I wanted to start SOBHA (Starehe Old Boys Hackers Association) in 2009, but after receiving sanctions from the THEN Safaricom Management and being seen as an enemy by many [sanctions lifted now thanks to inevitable sanity and kumea thanks to Nick and Bob - Not forgetting @rimbui], I decided it was not the right time to do that in Kenya. Or East Africa. It is better and more acceptable to start a ‘Give-Kibera-Girls-Pads-via-Facebook-and-Twitter-aka-TwitPad’ than to address the REAL issues affecting IT. I was deeply honored 2 weeks ago when a Top Ugandan company called me to go there and do an Hackability test and security RAV assessment in their IT real-estate. Slowly, people are seeing the value of security beyond Yale/Solex/Tri-Star padlocks and a mean-looking, rungu-yielding ‘i-will-fuck-you-up-of-you-come-near-this-server-room’ guards. Slowly, real hackers will start to be seen as FRIENDS and ASSETS. But then comes the challenge. Skill level. Pure and Euber hackers. People who can write their own exploits. People who have written their own NetworkLevel/CountryLevel virus interceptors. Let us get ONE thing clear and out there. If you cannot Code, you CANT be a hacker/IT security guy. You can’t be a lesbian if you are not female. End of. There are no two ways about. Haking si Kuboil maji. If you can’t code in at least C, Python, C++ or Java, then the closes you will ever come to a PenTester is a PenisTester. Just like any other IT branch in Kenya, the Security line of IT disciplines is slowly getting plagued by me-toos. Script kiddies who just download Nessus/Satan, BT and other hacker toys and have bookmarked PacketStorm and Astalavista then call themselves Hackers. An insult to the profession. But then again, you can’t blame the banks, telcos etc. You use what we have. Or import the best from our there. I know of 2 hackers [One Russian and the other Italian] who come to Qz alot. They get paid over EUR 2000 per day as IT Security consultants. Good stuff. Good for them. Challenge to us. Back to code… Wazi.

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July 12, 2011

8:29

The means, the end and the justification

» ‎ Idd Salim

Rich or Poor. You Decide.

I am sure you have all heard the saying: “The end justifies the means.”. Loosely deciphered, this means doing whatever it takes to get where you aspire to be. Changing what you can’t accept and even hurting a few people on the way, To get what you want. Chanelling positive energy. Forcing the universe to align itself to your base desires. Never taking ‘No’, ‘Maybe’ or ‘We will see’ for an answer.

At the end of the day, people will see the REASON why so many people had to be disapointed, hurt etc, for you to get where you are. Or do what you did. They will marvel at the beauty of the end-product and forget all the pain. Guys will say ‘You are good. It was all worth it’. Unless they are just typical estate dogs who scorn at anything they are not associated with.

Then comes the sister quote: “The means justifies the end”. Accepting what you can’t change. Saying all the things losers and pussies say, e.g. “That is what God planned.”, “We tried our best”, “We had no funding.”, “We blame Safaricom”, “I wish I were a Mzungu”. Then comes my favorite “Who needs money?”, “Wameiba”, “Pesa ni za Shetani”. etc. Fuck you.

But then comes the thin line. Morality vs Results. Ruthlessness vs Goodwill/Blessing/Good Karma. Allow me to Shamelessly quote James Allen’s As a Man Thinketh , one of my favorite all-time books [Best book. I highly recommend it to anyone ]:

“ A man may be honest in certain directions, yet suffer privations. A man may be dishonest in certain directions, yet acquire wealth. But the conclusion usually formed that the one man fails because of his particular honesty, and that the other prospers because of his particular dishonesty, is the result of a superficial judgment, which assumes that the dishonest man is almost totally corrupt, and honest man almost entirely virtuous. In the light of a deeper knowledge and wider experience, such judgment is found to be erroneous. The dishonest man may have some admirable virtues which the other does not possess; and the honest man obnoxious vices which are absent in the other. The honest man reaps the good results of his honest thoughts and acts; he also brings upon himself the sufferings which his vices produce. The dishonest man likewise garners his own suffering and happiness.It is pleasing to human vanity to believe that one suffers because of one’s virtue. But not until a man has extirpated every sickly, bitter, and impure thought from his mind, and washed every sinful stain from his soul, can he be in a position to know and declare that his sufferings are the result of his good, and not of his bad qualities. And on the way to that supreme perfection, he will have found working in his mind and life, the Great Law which is absolutely just, and which cannot give good for evil, evil for good. Possessed of such knowledge, he will then know, looking back upon his past ignorance and blindness, that his life is, and always was, justly ordered, and that all his past experiences, good and bad, were the equitable outworking of his evolving, yet unevolved self. “

I could not explain it better. You will never be rich because you love your mother, or pray to a god daily or do all the good things your pastor told you to do. Or because you wake up every day and go to work by 7am. You will become RICH or POOR based on your thoughts. Simple as.

But as Humans/Kenyans, it is always good to just sit in our $30 Sofasets hoping against hope and saying, “One day this will all change. We will be rich and happy.”. And the beat goes on. The rich become richer. The poor also prosper. In poverty.

People who try less and work less than you will always be better than you, financially. Why? Because of the power of attraction. Positive energy. You want something bad enough? It will come to you. As soon as you deserve it. You will never get what you want or work hard for. You will always get what you DESERVE.

So, the question begs. “How do you channel positive energy to achieve what you DESERVE?”. The answer is right there. You are. Right now you are getting EXACTLY what you deserve. It is not fate. Fate is for the mentally weak.

Wealth [Monetary, Health-wise, Mental] is all a product of ones thought and focus.

Focus on what is WRONG, UNFAIR and NOT WORKING in your life, and you will get exactly what you deserve. Misery. Poverty. Sadness. Focus on what you want, the picture of success, you in that Kompressor, you being in every gals to-do list, etc.. and It will happen. Very soon. Nothing happens by chance. The universe respects your deepest desires. And always makes you realize them.

It all depends on you. The rest of us are just spectators and distractions. Kazi kwako.

Back to code.

Wazi.

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July 06, 2011

11:32

26 Days of Java – Season 1

» ‎ Idd Salim

Java A to Z

Codename Majolisa, A name coined by a process Sheldon would refer to as a “juvenile amalgamation of the names of the participants”. MA, JO, LI and SA. The mission of this excursion through codeville is to address the elephant in the room. The fact that, as AfroWave, Pedersen and RoomThinker would put it, ‘Kenyans Cannot Code.’

A typical project cycle for a Kenyan Developer is like this:

50% of the time – learning HOW to use code snippets from the net that will be eventually sewn together to ‘develop’ the solution for the client.
30% of the time – ‘Playing’ with the code and customizing it. removing logos, credits and general ‘Kupaka BB’.
10% of the time – Actual productive work – Delivering the solution.
10% of the time – Ngwati.

That is why the time-quote for a 4-days project is always 1 Month. This is why project 17 will take EXACTLY (annoyingly) the same amount of time, stress, googling and effort as project 1. No lessons learnt. All the time.

Then Asketh Mike
Pedersen asked me in the Morning yesterday: “Do we have a culture where people actually LOVE to code for the pure art it is, or do they ‘code’ for the money the code will bring?”. “Is the effort of a developer solely based on the fact that they will solve a problem, or based on how much money it will make? Do we have 50 coders in Kenya who know more of MySQL than just CRUD? Who can read Knuth’s TAOCP with love and SOLELY for the quest of knowledge?”

This is a point I have belabored time and time again here. I always tell developers :

Decide why you are getting into IT. Is it purely for the science, the art and the love. Or for money?
If for money, Don’t develop something that does not have a revenue model. This is Africa. We don’t have God Fathers like Google and Facebook etc had. No one will put money in your IDEA. People will put money in a BUSINESS.
If for the pure love of awesomeness, then learn it the CORRECT way.

They say, good coders write, smart coders copy-paste and great coders re-use. BUT, how can you re-use or copy-paste something you don’t understand? If you sleep well enough despite the knowledge that you are using a system running on code that you can’t debug if one line was deleted, then good for you. You are just a businessman. Not a real coder.

But for the purists, the programme was born. The 26 Days of Java. We start with MAJOLISA in season 1. I start this programme with 3 students as an experiment. Season 2 will take in 10 students and based on success, we will scale to a college-campus level. It is my hope that UoN of Strath can take up this 1-Month drill to make the serious students REAL coders who can make a change in our society.

The 3 lucky ‘students’ will learn the following:

Agile Software Development.
Software design methodologies.
Pure Java Coding [J2SE].
Using Netbeans IDE.
Developing with Sprint and Hibernate.
Using XMPP.
Using ZeroMQ for PubSub models.
Data Structures and Algorithms.

This is the syllabus for Season 1. We will add and improve as we learn from this exercise.

Back to code.

Wazi.

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June 27, 2011

13:05

When the Internet becomes the HinderNet

» ‎ Idd Salim

So many experts. Who do you follow?

Yeah. We all know this. You connect to the net hoping to just check your emails for 5 minutes, read your Twitter TL for 2 minutes and that is that. Start coding. You spend the 7 minutes above and from the TL, you see a link from MrMajani. And another one retweeted by Satchu. One article leads to another, 2 hours later you are still YET to start coding. The thought-processed is already messed up.

Where is that wireframe? Ohh, wait, was this piece of code to be done as a PHP CLI script or Python? You can’t decide now. Your energy is all sapped. But KESHO, uta-focus ile mbaya. Acha leo iishe hivi. Kesho pia ni siku.

And such is the conundrum we find ourselves in. The internet becoming your enemy [Yeah: Had to say that to make the Kenyans feel good. Always blaming everything else for your own ails rather than look deep within oneself and realize the problem is actually... drumrolls... YOU]. Ok, back to reality. Actually, your LACK of DISCIPLINE becoming your enemy.

I was wasting time on the Internet today reading an article on about how to avoid time-wasting distractions on the net and it appears that we all have a common problem. Social networks and information aggregators tend to CONFUSE us, rather than ENLIGHTEN us.

As disciplined programmers, the biggest problem we face is that of information overload, Like I told MoneyAcademy. There are soooooo many decisions to make. All due to information. I know of MySQL gurus who have never heard of PostgreSQL or Oracle, but make you the best, fastest and most robust databases you can ever desire.

Also, unfortunately, I know of a young programmer who knows kidogo-SQL-Server, Kidogo-Oracle and ‘Hata CoughDB na NoSQL Kiasi’. Operating in slut-mode, touching and sucking a little bit of everything, but mastering and marrying none. Such is the sad effect of Information Overload.

The comes decision time. The project needs to be handed in. What do you use as your PHP Framework? The slow and feature-rich Kohana, CakePHP and Symphony or the Super-Fast and Slim Yii, FatFree or DOOPhp frameworks? What database do you use? MySQL, SQL Server, Interbase, PG or Oracle?

What do you host your app on? Apache, Nginx, Li [httpd,] Mongrel2 or (GodForbid) IIS (*Shudder!!*) . Do you create a cluster and scale out as needed or do you Virtualize and scale up as needed?

In the end, it all comes to experience. No one solution fits all. There are tried and tested methods, however.

For example, at Symbiotic, we have the following setup:

A rackspace cloud of Debian (Ubuntu 10.10) Servers and a local setup of Debian (Ubuntu 10.10) Servers. Full Sync, Full redundancy.
Webserver: Apache 2 (for PHP 5 with eAccelerator, [HTTPAuth,] Rewrites). Li [httpd] (For service CSS, JS, Video, Images). TomCat for JSPs.
DB : MySQL 5, MemCached, HA Master-Slave setup.
++

We use technologies we have fine-tuned and researched on over years to make sure we have the most robust setup.

So the challenge is yours. Master A FEW, or know alot. Kazi kwako.

Back to code…

Wazi

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June 20, 2011

20:57

The annoying “Even Google and Facebook were started in a Dorm Room” fallacy.

» ‎ Idd Salim

I will create my own Facebook next week.

Ask any rich man how they got their loot and the response will always be something close to : “Ahh. It was not very hard. I used to sell charcoal, then God blessed me and the rest is history.”

Ask any pool master how they pot the balls so easily. 7-Ballers to anyone who dares challenge them. “It is easy. Just aim and shoot. All you need is practice.”

Ask any master coder how he can develop a system as Complex as you can imagine in a week or 2 days. “I just reused some old code I have and changed some small bits here and there. Nothing too fancy. Anyone could do that.”

Then you listen to a enough of these people, and you start believing your own hype. You stupidly start believing that since these people did it, you can also do it. You blind yourself to the fact that out of the billions of people on earth, only these 10-20 people have done it. You ignore their sweat. You ignore their circumstances. You ignore all the lessons from The Tipping point. You start living in false hope.

This is one of the sad things I saw at the successful and prestigious #pivot25. Campus Kids calling themselves President, VP, CEO and all those fancy names. Totally disrespecting the sweat and years it takes to earn that title.

Our late Boss, Dr Geoffrey William Griffin always told us: “Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.”

The Price

The skill-sets required to create Facebook and Google are out of this world. So are the resources and financials. Zuckerberg bought the domain-name facebook.com for USD 200, 000. Yes. Kshs 32M. I would do that myself if I had the kind of money young Zucks had.

Facebook received its first investment of US$500,000 in June 2004 from PayPal co-founder Peter Thiel, in exchange for 7% of the company. This was followed a year later by $12.7 million in venture capital from Accel Partners, and then $27.5 million more from Greylock Partners. A leaked cash flow statement showed that during the 2005 fiscal year, Facebook had a net loss of $3.63 million.

Ofcourse, I am not making up numbers and ‘facts’. Here is the source. With USD 42M+, there is no way he could fail. Now, ask yourself, do you EVEN have 42M Uganda Shillings to burn? Can you dedicate the next 3 STRAIGHT months of your life coding. Or is there rent, electricity and food to hustle for?

Don’t get me wrong. We are all entrepreneurs. I am not saying that it cannot be done. That with a-lot of dedication, discipline, willingness, sacrifice, money and knowledge, you cannot build your OWN Facebook. You can. Easily.

But the problem lies in perception. That these things are easy. Alot of times, someone comes to iHub and asks me : “Salim, How much would you charge [it cost] to develop a site like Facebook?”. Or. “Salim, I have some spare server ina kama 40 GB Free space na kama 20k hivi. Si hii inatosha kuunda Facebook ya Kenya na tudosike kama madogi?”. And I immediately lose my appetite and start thinking about sex.

The lesson

Anything is possible. As long as it is actually possible. You can do anything and be anything you want to be in this life. As long as you know and have what it takes and know how to get there. Everyone is special and unique. Just like everyone else.

Be like an erection. Start small, grow big and hard. Know your limits. Then conquer them. Knowledge is power.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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June 19, 2011

17:33

The conundrum of ‘Pioneers v/s Settlers’

» ‎ Idd Salim

I was here FIRST!!

We are in the tech sector. Applications, models, methods. Every app takes time and resource. It is imperative one knows whether it will FAIL or SUCCEED. At least not 100% certain, but a little research will go a long way. It is saddening to develop something and have it not fulfilling the purpose.

Many-a-times, I have been asked one of the 3 questions below by friends/followers and ‘friends’:

1 – “Salim, to you, what is better and more fulfilling? To start your own business and make it a success or to JOIN an already existing one and improve it?”

2 – “Salim, I have a good job and I get paid well, but it is not challenging enough. I do the same-old-effking-routine everyday. When is the right time to quit and do something more fulfilling in IT?”

3 – “These people wanajiringa and they did not even develop that system. I know the developer and all they do is use and improve it. The idea was not theirs. do they deserve plaudits?”

And, so, today, as I was watching SharkTank S2E3, Daymond John, said it in one sentence: “Pioneers get slaughtered while settlers prosper“. And, this, my friends is the plain, ugly, real truth!

The Problem

We see it everyday. A person comes out bubbling with ideas. He has a killer product/idea. He develops something NO ONE envisaged before. Something unfathomable. Something unprecedented. Those who could envisage it just laughed it off in bars and elevators as a good idea. “No one would buy/use it”, they said.

But someone finally develops it. He demos it. It is beautiful. It works. It is revolutionary. This is the pioneer.

Then the same-old-story starts. “Wameniibia”. “That was our/my idea”. ”We thought about that first!”. “I have spoken to my lawyer and they will be sued”. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.

There are people with resources, willingness and time. They are always looking out for POORLY executed GREAT ideas. They know they have the options. This is Africa. Kenya. Bloody Nairobi. Patents don’t exist. Speak to the wrong people and you will be duplicated. Your project will be finished by someone else before YOU begin. These are the settlers.

A discussion at LinkedIn puts this into better perspective [I have edited for context].

Initial (primary) innovation is a cruel mistress, as it is an energy that must be released. And then, if your unique ‘light’ finds its way to pierce a particular darkness, as soon as it shines, unethical marketers will paint it a different color, put a bigger brand name on it and claim it as their own.

So yes, pioneers get slaughtered because further ‘improvement’ is usually only a small change to the Idea they worked day and night to bring to life.

The solution

From the same page in LinkedIn : “Timing, resources, dedication, and business planning make the difference.”.

Timing is all about releasing the critical and ‘people-magnet’ features first. The features that make people want to use your product. Make them use your app. Making haste and getting out there. But getting out there EXPOSES you. Hence the second step.

Resources. How do you evangelize your product beyond the small circles of family, friends, twitter followers. Do you have money to advertise? Can you use EXISTING social, publicity and exposure avenues cost-effectively. Do you have a budget? Ok, you have this sorted. How do you keep the users interested? How do you handle user-fatigue?

Dedication. Keep the services up and continually BUT POSITIVELY improved. Always keep your business at the top of your to-do list. If not as the ONLY thing on it. This is your baby. Feed it daily. 4 times.

Business Planning. What do you improve in version 2? What do you add. What do you drop. What do you merge? Do you need to scale-up or scale out? Do you need some partnerships to increase revenues in certain parts? What is your revenue collection model? How do you maximize revenue in all parts of your business?

The other part of the solution is partnership. You are a pioneer. A novice. A master programmer. An IT Guy. Not a business person. Do your thing with the servers and databases and code. But PARTNER with someone to do their thing with the clients, the contracts and RA. You cannot do everything yourself, like MOST developers try to do.

Kazi kwako.

Back to code…

Wazi

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June 17, 2011

17:56

Why and How Shimba won Pivot25

» ‎ Idd Salim

What do you wanna do, now?

Ok. Normally I would not do this. Ati Explain a victory, or why a Benz is better than a Vitz, etc. But behind every successful man are 5 others who wish they were him, and 17 biatches who want to xuk hiz dzik.

A wise man changes his mind. A fool keeps on digging even while in Quick Sand.

I always tell my peoplez, It is one thing to COMPLAIN about something you are not happy with; totally OK, but it is another totally unacceptable thing to be A-LIER and INSULT people just because you are too dumb to conform and get the big picture.

Then comes the haters, wannabes, trash-talkers etc. Gutter press will always have something to talk about. No matter how good you are. No one is perfect, and if you dig enough, there are skeletons in each one of our closets. So as a mature person, you have to decide. Do you want to be a sad loser and focus on the negative of everything and hate on everyone, or do you look at the tears and sweat people put in everyday and APPRECIATE the effort, no matter how little?

I am in no way a part of Shimba Technologies. I actually came to know about MedKenya AT PIVOT25. “Salim, they did this project behind your back?”, I am asked. Maybe. But I am mature enough to see why. To see the quality. And appreciate it. Even if it is not the work of my own hands. Not hate it and get all bitchy about other people’s successes.

Pivot25 Inauguration had 2 main purposes:

1 – To set a precedence to future ICT Developer Events. Let developers know that there are millions to be made here. Know that there is hope and life in code. Know that all you need is a team of 2 or 3 people. 4+ is a crowd. Then a brilliant product. Not Idea. A working and monetizable product.

You need a Serious coder who will create the app and support it, A serious Business Brain who can pitch and give the Judges a TKO and a ka Serious eKYM. Someone to run around the streets or the net researching and getting the facts to back the pitch up. No more room for ‘HelloWord – Click here to see a Messagebox’ Apps. Lazima watu wawe serious.

2 – To take to Silicon Valley the best we have. This year it was Shimba. Clearly. The product, the pitch, the money-matics. They had everything figured. Finally something good. Fruits of Mutinda spending hours and hours every day coding his finger-skin off. Fruits of Mbugua spending hours and hours every day going through videos and publications on how to pitch. What investors want to hear.

In my own view, Whive, MobileParking and mFarm came closest. Whive was very niche and had low ARPU. But I talked to the team and the future is bright. mFarm was still young. And also, SMS systems will always be frowned upon. The pitch also was a 4 out of 10. mParking was a good idea. But lacked the snazzy ish like maps and also REQUIRED things like CityCouncil collabo etc.

With the combination of CodeBrains and BizBrains, Shimba had it all. It is a team I would want to join. I will root for mParking, mFarm or Whive next year if they are serious enough and focus on their products.

We can debate this all day, but we need an answer to these 2 fundamental questions:

1 – Personna: Who would you rather go and represent Kenya at the Silicon Valley Pitch? A confident, seasoned, respected, Safcom Innovations Board Member, Chairman of MobileMonday Kenya, Founder of Symbiotic, Founder Member of MMEA – Mbugua … or some shaky, emotional squealer? Pole. Facts. Kubali yaishe.

2 – Product: A revenue sound, urgently-needed solution, all facts about doctor-patient rations (the need), Vision-2030-compliant app like MedKenya, or some half-baked hacks?

So, the lessons

Jana we had the mLab launch. It was all over TV, Radio and also in Gutter press. mLab has the space, the ecosystem, the mentor, the DEVICES and the willingness to make your IDEA an ACTUAL PRODUCT that makes YOU lots of MONEY.

So, the choice is yours:

1 – Go home and cry to mamma because you did not win/qualify.

2 – Open a blog and tukana people all day for traffic.

3 – Grow some balls and come code with us. I am a USD thousanddaire and will be a HundredThousanddaire by Dec. You want that too? Yes? Then come to mLab. Kuja we skuma some code and make some money.

By next Pivot25, have an answer to the following concerns:

Does your app have the LEAST barriers for acceptance and usage? If it requires input from source A, then B then C before it can monetize, achana nayo.

Can it be used by the MAJORITY of people. If you only do Android, no problem, go on. But don’t complain if you cant win grants. Investors look for revenue potential. They won’t invest ati coz YOU penda and believe in YOUR product. Investor si mama yako, unless ni mama yako.

Does it address an EXISTING need? And can it generate MONEY while doing that?

Back to code…

Wazi

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13:21

A Nitwits guide on How to make Money on the Internet

» ‎ Idd Salim

Because we all must eat!!

There is a new business that is proving a success in recent times in Kenya. Online WhoreVertising. This is the Total loss of any ounce of Dignity to make sure you get some few losers to open your site and, hopefully, click on some Ads. Then get paid by the buggy Ad Systems we have.

Allow me to address you as an Idiot for a while. Assuming you are not. I will address you in the first-person’s perspective, my nitwit reader, so read-along.

Here is a little guide I have put up, after analyzing the master of ‘NyumaYaMonitorMimiNiMkaliKamaNacet’. You too, despite your lack of brains, can make some few coins online. It is being done now, you won’t be the first one to do it. Join the brainless faggots and make some Money!

Part 1 – Register a Domain

The good news is that among the negative effects of the Internet is that any pea-brained nitwit with the IQ of a retarded retard, like you, can register a domain. Also you now are allowed to call it ANY name, including a name with big words like Intelligent, Brain, Tech, Buzz etc and install WordPress. So, instead of a name like IamACuntAndALoserAndSoINeedToInsultEveryoneElseSoThatICanFeelGoodAboutMyself.com, you just need to register something like TechnoVillage.com or something close. All in an hour. And Bam! You are online. Hosting is allover and cheap.

Part 2 – Content

Then comes the need to eat. The Internet is slowly becoming idiot-proof. Then with the monetizing avenues like AdWords, BuzzCity and Admob comes the challenge: “How does a brainless loser like you get traffic to their site?”. Obviously, I know you cannot write anything from your own stupid brain. So do this. *drum-rolls*…

Copy-Paste things from other sites. We don’t know the Internet addresses for pages like TechCrunch, YahooNews, Reuters, Nation Etc. We rely on you. So Copy-paste from there and put these on your site. They you will have a ‘busy’ and ‘frequently updated’ site. Idiots will think you know so much! Don’t forget to Claim authorship and ownership of some of the articles. Steal photos from simple google searches and claim that you took them. Post each article under a different alter-ego username. Create an illusion of ‘We have many writters. We are big.’. Who knows, Microsoft will even term you an IT consultant.

When it comes to local content, make up numbers and facts. Make every single noble effort to make people’s life better seem like a personal attack to all Kenyans. Accuse all these bloody foreigners of coming here and ripping us off. Don’t worry if the ICT Board, Safaricom, Nokia, Symbiotic, iHub, mLab, NaiLab etc blacklist you for being a male-pussy. Blog on!! Fuck the millions you can make if you had a brain to be on the right side of the right people. Step on their toes. Your 50k per month Salo is enough.

If you are blogging about someone, claim to have met them and talked to them. Quote events you have been to recently to add credibility. It does not matter even they have never seen/met you in their lives. Do some simple google searches and claim to have got that data from ‘the person’. Write trash and sensational ‘facts’ about them. No one likes the truth. No idiot anyway.

Ocassionally, [As someone here has advised me to add], hire some people to pose for photos doing ‘something strange’. e.g. Having sex in a Public Garden. Eating rats. Coding in VB etc. 200 bob each. Promise them fame. Don’t worry even if they are just some village losers who will look straight at the camera and not ‘fake it’ to make it look more real. Use them. Anything. Be Sensational.

Part 3 – Evangelize your site

Ok. This becomes tricky. No one googles ‘Trash about fictitious events’ or ‘Notes from an idiot’. So How do you get people to your site? You have stolen and made-up content. You have all the ‘facts’ about some significant people. What next?

Yes. Traffic. Can an Idiot like you even spell traffic. No? Ok, twendelee. Now go to Twitter. Create 8 Accounts. Go to Gmail, Yahoo and MSN. Create 5 accounts on each of the network. On each Twitter account follow different people. Rake in like 4000 follows per account. Including fellow spammers. For each of your 4-6 Stolen and Copy-Pasted articles everyday, Twit something like “Interesting Article : Facebook does this and that – TechnoVillage.com/yadda/fb_does_this_and_that/ – RT”. Idiots will rewteet. Do this for each account. It will create the impression that alot of people are reading your blog. And you get… TRAFFIC!!!

“Then, what about comments?”, you ask. You have 21 Email Accounts, Idiot! Comment from all of them. Create the impression that people actually read your stuff. Argue, insult and ‘discuss’ amongst the accounts.

In your spare time, don’t forget to insult more people. Make it one person per day. 50 paragraphs of A-lie. Don’t worry, you get Traffic. Nothing else matters. No need for networks, friends, business partners, buddies. Live alone and die Sad. Why? Coz you are a fucking nitwit.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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June 16, 2011

3:03

The Kenyan MobileDev Scramdown : Nokia (J2ME/QT) vs Google (Android)

» ‎ Idd Salim

Yes. I am better.

It is an interesting time indeed. Just reached home from Qz in Westlands and it is 2:17 AM. Not an ounce of sleep. An interesting day, it was.

Kwanza, Mbugua and Mutinda won (A collabo between Symbiotic and Shimba). Yes. Mezeni wembe. We pocket USD 30k. Ok, They do. I think. Or thereabouts. Plus a trip to Silicon Valley. Hope I can get a spare space and go wakilisha. Angalau nitoke Africa Once. If I can’t, well who cares. If One of us wins, all of us win. Code itaendelea.

As bystanders, we can stand up and applaud the technology, the pitch and the model, or just sit down and hate and bitch about how the winners were ‘favored’. It is your choice. A-lier tells a lie all the time.

I was manning the Google stand on Day 1of2 of Pivot25 after a request from GoogleKenya and I talked about what Opportunities Android offers. I was not talking about ‘How Android Development is Better than J2ME/QT Developers’ or ‘If one needs to switch from QT Dev to Android’. No, just what Android does. Period.

Then comes what Java Mobile and QT does on Symbian and J2ME.

I see alot of ‘developers’ and bloggers massaging their scrotums on how Symbian is Dead or will die by 2016. J2ME is Dead. Nokia Devices are old-school. Android is the new nipple. etc, etc. And I seek to shed some light on this issue. Aiming to answer these questions: “What should a Mobile Developer focus on? Who gives better value in terms of opportunity, support and incentive?“.

From GoogleKenya:

Android phones come with a faster OS. True. A developer has full control of the end-product ad UX. True. Both the OS and SDK/API are open-source. True. Amoled. Maps. MultiThreading. Sexy-Apps etc. But, how many Devices? Max 200k.

From Nokia:

Same old J2ME. Now Develop using C++ code on QT. One standard. Etc. Over 20 M devices (8M+ On data).

But then comes the Dilemma. Who do you choose as a Kenyan Coder between the Aggressive Nokia, and the Aggressive Google? Both sides have good offers. But some cons outweigh the pros.

What Nokia Says:

Put your App in the Ovi Store and we will make sure you are visible, advertised (Billboard, TV, Print, Radio and Web) and paid for the development. We support the able. No developer contests.

What Google Says:

Unlike Nokia, we will foster development from the heart, not just have a coder develop because we ‘stuffed’ money into their pockets. We will then hold a developer contest and reward the best apps. No media. No pay to non-winners.

What Kenyan developers Say:

We don’t want/need developer contests. We need someone to give us a picture of success. What happens to those who don’t win the developer contests? They wither and die. Nokia addresses this issue by treating every App independently. And they pay well. Nokia is seen as Pay+Success+Support. Google is seen as Bullish and arrogant in this case. The message being : ‘Win the contest or suffer’. This needs to change.

So, ofcourse, Nokia beats Google handsdown. A developer once told me : “So what Android has all these super powers?! How many people can use my App? How does Google support me as a developer? Just Contests? No advertising, no pay, no Incentives”.

I am just reporting:

Back to code

Wazi.

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June 11, 2011

14:52

Keyword: Persistence – Finally, Uhuru day…

» ‎ Idd Salim

Persistence: No matter what!

Word of the day: ‘Persistence‘. And you will eventually get there. One thing will eventually lead to another.

I got the right model to talk to a BIG corporate without seaming weak and needy, while AT THE SAME TIME, not insulting people and seeming confrontational, from Books like The 33 Strategies of War, The 48 Laws of Power and my personal best: As a Man Thinketh.

As James Allen says :

“A man’s mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether cultivated or neglected, it must, and will, bring forth. If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of useless weed seeds will fall therein, and will continue to produce their kind.”

This is a story of a coder’s journey through the mashes. Misunderstood and denied of a business opportunity, but choosing the right channels to air your reason for grievancies.

Being mature about conflicts and resolving them amicable. Sometimes, writting a blog post and looking for a mbugua, too, muendo, kachwanya or linda to read through before posting. Listening to one telling you : “Hii ni personal insult that will lead to nothing. Toa. Phrase it like this.”. Not hoarding blog traffic by hurling insults to people you WILL need in your life; and making your miserable life even more miserable. Making big enemies in a small town.

My journey with Safaricom Mpesa and my alleged ‘Hacker’ tag has been a torrid one. The details are public. I won’t dwell on them. But finally, the issue is being resolved. Call it finally getting the attention of the right people. Call it banging the door politely until it opens or breaks. Call it respecting the fact that you are dealing with humans with emotions (and not robots) on the other end and NOT insulting people. Not making everything a personal personal attack and bitching online like a menstruating prostitute. Not using your blog to castigate and slander upon people trying hard to make a change in the society, whilst you have done NOTHING of note, to-date. The internet is a MEANS not an END.

If you use the Internet to make enemies, to start a one-man army, To report baseless facts and numbers based on pure Sicilian vendetta and conjecture, then surely, yours is a path of doom. You find yourself alone. You find yourself now needing to create multiple-email accounts and commenting on your own blog so as to make your posts credible and seem to be getting traffic. A sad little, lonely, impactless meaningless life. All youe efforts, even good and genuine ones will ‘fichiwa white’.

Allen Tells us:

“If you would perfect your body, guard your mind. If you would renew your body, beautify your mind. Thoughts of malice, envy, disappointment, despondency, rob the body of its health and grace. A sour face does not come by chance; it is made by sour thoughts. Wrinkles that mar are drawn by folly, passion, pride.

I know a woman of ninety-six who has the bright, innocent face of a girl. I know a man well under middle age whose face is drawn into inharmonious contours. The one is the result of a sweet and sunny disposition; the other is the outcome of passion and discontent.

As you cannot have a sweet and wholesome abode unless you admit the air and sunshine freely into your rooms, so a strong body and a bright, happy, or serene countenance can only result from the free admittance into the mind of thoughts of joy and good will and serenity.”

Coming soon to an Internet near you:

A final and conclusive Free Mpesa Paybill API for everyone.
Moca – Reloaded.
More value add for developers and content owners.

All because of mature, responsible, persistent BUT non-pussy blogging.

Back to code…

Wazi

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June 10, 2011

7:08

There is a little RobertAlai in all of us

» ‎ Idd Salim

We once coined a phrase in Twirra called the RobAl Syndrome. This is defined as the uncontrollable and self-righteous urge to insult, prematurely report/attack/blame people without checking facts and stick to your story, irrespective of the repercussions.

Anyone who knows anything about me will tell you that of the 8 things that I am, A good pool player is one of the top 5. In pool, there is a term called ‘Kifichiwa White’. A full eclipse snooker. A malicious act based on hatred, fear or unfounded vendetta by someone in power; permanently or temporarily. Also, there is the other thing called ‘Kujifichia White’. Self Snooker. More like an unforced error in Tennis. An own goal or a silly penalty on Soccer. Dropping the ball in B-Ball.

The new constitution gives us, among other things, 2 fundamental rights. The right to speech and the right to a fair hearing. I rarely, if ever, Agree with @RobertAlai on anything. Not at all. I do not like his always-personal, mostly-unfounded, rarely-fact-checked barrage of insults hurled at anyone from anywhere. This guy seems to have bad beef with everyone. All the time.

If you ever want to develop a Kenyan Version of AngryBirds, he should be top of the list of who should model for the splash-screen.

The 48 laws of power teach us about picking our battles. Pick an opponent. A big one. It is more honorable to lose badly to a formidable opponent, than to totally obliterate and vanguish a weak opponent.

Additionally, Sun Tzu says: “To lift an autumn hair is no sign of great strength; to see the sun and moon is no sign of sharp sight; to hear the noise of thunder is no sign of a quick ear.”

So, the question begs. Where do we draw the line? How do we decide what responsible reporting is; What expressing an opinion entails; What a personal attack is; what clear malice and slander is.

If there is something wrong about a process or an organization, why not approach the people in-charge and talk to them? Even if they are Safaricom, they will always listen and consult [eventually]. You make some friends. You make some money. The trick being that you need to talk to TOP executives. People who can make decisions. Don’t talk to the cooks or watchmen or sweepers. They will just waste your time and inundate you in false home. Talk to TOP or talk to NONE.

One thing I have learnt from my altercations with Safaricom is that people have fragile Egos. Even if you are speaking the truth. If the sentense does not come out as ‘you guys are the best, the cleverest and have the roundest nipples’, you are immediately classified as an enemy. I have religiously studied the Mpesa System and have a documentation of the Security issues it has.

I offered to share it for FREE with Vodafone so that we can secure our beloved system before Dimitri of Moscow or Chung Hang Lo of Guangzhou takes notice. But NOOOO, there seems to be no gentleman’s way or civilized way of giving such people a FREE solution. For the last 1 year, I have been blocked from Mpesa. Anyone who tries to Hire me to integrate gets a phonecall. Remove Salim from your team or face immediate and perpetual disconnection. Such a nice fella. Such genuine intentions. But Fragile egos, my guy! The result, harsh and cacophonous reactions. Tick.. tock…

So, what happens when we let the RobAl tourettes out? White Ball inafichwa!

I tweeted that I agreed with his last post about Pivot25. 10% of his sentiments were right. 90% were wrong. I came to this conclusion after talking to Erik Hersman. Getting all the facts. He argues that starting developers should not be charged to access IT events. True. I Agree. He argues that Google, Nokia etc should have enough pocket change to cover such events. Since they are sponsors. It is they who benefit anyway. True. I Agree. But he has not contacted Erik or Muendo to find out why the event is being run like it is. He fails to understand and/or appreciate the precedence Pivot25 will set. Then he makes it a personal attack. Again. Mentioning names. Again. This dilutes his argument. His last post now seems like a Kawaida RobAl tourette. Again.

Lesson: Check facts. Don’t add salt to make the argument seem more credible.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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June 02, 2011

11:31

WhiteHatted, but Blacklisted

» ‎ Idd Salim

“]

Spot the difference. [20 Mks

It is the Madaraka week in Kenya and after all the ‘potatolization’ I witnessed on Tuesday night, it is back to code. Focused code.I have finished 6 Ovistore apps over the last month. 5 are LIVE and 1 is under review. Pesa kwa wheelbarrow.

Also I have Xema, Symbiotic PRSP, Moca and TumaSMS Version 2 to do. So, I will not be taking any side, top or bottom projects. Hata kama wewe ni nani, from next week Monday.

Focus is the name of the game. And no, I did not just realize this. It just took a PUSH to make me commit to this mantra.

The push came in on Monday last week when a client X I was working for on a project Y as a lead developer (Vagueness, despite being a pussy-blogger’s technique, opted for to protect the client) got a call from a Telco Z with instructions to REMOVE me from their developers team and terminate my contract, or risk being disconnected from all Telco-Related services. They were warned and asked to take the warning seriously. Unbeknownst to the client and me, The telco has me on a personna-no-grata high-security-risk people blacklist.

My God! I was mortified. Another deal goes done the drain just because someone somewhere soils their pants at the very mention of the name ‘Cdr Idd Salim’. It was flattering to the ego. The fact that someone somewhere has sleepless nights because of me. #noHomo. But it was affecting the bottom-line. I could not decide whether to laugh or cry. Whether to mull over the utter ignorance and paranoia, or just to just accept what we can’t change. We deliberated as a company and decided to CHANGE what we cant ACCEPT! This is no longer funny.

As a company, we used our contacts in that telco and called up some senior management fellas and figure out what the problem was. A meeting is to be set. The agenda being to find out if this is an actual concern at the telco, or just a personal vendetta that some can-be-fired-next-week employee has with ‘This dangerous and malicious Salim Hacker Fella’ and his real-estate.

Where has the world come to where someone denies their company potentially massive revenues (like this project promised) just because they don’t like the supplier, albeit the fact that there is 0% risk. The fear is just in the mind. Nothing material. Nothing tangible. Nothing proven. And I am just a WhiteHat trying to pay rent.

I am of more value as a friend, than an enemy. As a resource, than as a black-listed person. Especially given the fact that what is being protected, is still INSECURE and badly needs some fixing. Fixing by real hackers who know needs to be fixed. Not changing the procedure. Fixing. You cannot drain your car of fuel so as to thwart theft. The thieve will just come over with a can of fuel. And you are done for. Hata kama ni vitz.

Just saying.

Back to code.

Wazi.

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May 30, 2011

17:39

Ok, so you have an App; That don’t impress me much

» ‎ Idd Salim

App vs Biz. You decide.

It is a long, tedious and demanding procedure to create a product. An App. A problem solver. Your idea finally converted to bug-less code. It compiles and runs like a hawker from Kanjo. It connects to the server 99.5% of the times of asking and always purrs. People are talking about it. 2, 000 downloads per day. Etc, yadda, yadda.

But then, slowly but surely, comes the sad reality. A Business.

You have an App. But do you have a business? How much has your app made so far? What is the daily/weekly/monthly ARPU? In the last 4 weeks. Ok, Last 4 months. Further? Ok, the last 12 months. 10, 000 USD?.. wait… 5, 000?.. no?…. ZERO? STOP CODING IMMEDIATELY! Get a job.

Unless you have rich parents and alot of pesa-ya-daddy-na-mammi, then you need to CLEARLY define your revenue points before developing an App. It is good to dream. That is what hope is made of. After hope comes faith. Then reality. Sad reality, sometimes. Happy realities, some other times.

But no one will invest in a dream. Unless it is your mother, no one will give you money unless they can see that it will have a RoI.

Before developing an App, decide. Are you doing this for fun? Can you afford to have NO SALES? Can it interest an investor, or better still, do you have Angel Funding?

That is why some no-brainer kindergarten products like DealFish will come and go. They don’t have a Kenyan-Applicable revenue model. Just alot of money to run for 3-5 years with the hope that their foreign idea will forge a niche.

That is why MXit failed in Kenya [As I said last year on my birthday] [My sentiments on some of the players mentioned might have changed since them]. As soon as the money to ‘test the waters’ runs out, the product dies. It is not sustainable. Same is the risk with some products like Mocality.

Don’t forget. The difference between the coder people see and say : “Heh! Manze huyo msee ni mnoma sana code. Hakuna kitu hawezi develop”, but takes a matt home, and the coder people see and say : “Msee fake sana. Hata system yake si kali but kina doo kaa shiiiet”, and jumps into his Kompressor after work, then calls your girlfriend, is the business mind.

And this is my challenge to iHub, NaiLab, mLab and IddLab. We need to incubate monetizable ideas, make them work and turn them into businesses. Then we can create success stories. Hopefully we can stop Ndemo from seeing Google as the Saviour. We need to demonstrate local competencies. We don’t need Google to host and digitize Government data. We need Google to Work with us to do that. The skillsets are there, but let us have some real businesses out there. Running and profitable.

Hapo vipi?

Back to code…

Wazi

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May 21, 2011

15:51

BitMagic Releases OpenSource Mpesa PayBill API

» ‎ Idd Salim

May 17, 2011

23:53

I think I need a complete system restart

» ‎ Idd Salim

15:33

Ohh, that back-in-the day OTA Nostalgia…

» ‎ Idd Salim

OTA Goldmine

I decided to stay home today to wade off some pressure I am getting from left right and top.

I wanted to blog about how to handle programmers and how meetings-meetings-meetings KILL creativity and are the worst thing you can subject a developer to, but I will do that on Friday.

So, I started going through my old stuff in my spare (visitors’) bedroom. All stuffed, #pun, in a box labelled ‘POISON’ so that no one touches it.

One of the things that made me smile was my 2003 schematic for an OTA Server. I remember in 2003, Safaricom had a very weak Internet setup. (Mpaka leo anyways).

Sometimes I needed to demo to a client a WAP Content Portal I had created and the only two options I had was to take them to my house in Zimmer and show them from there, ama CARRY the PC to town and show the stuff.

But then came the IDEA. I bought some routers and configured a home network. Then I created an OTA Server whose purposes was to provision the settings one would need to access my HOME lan from their phone. All they needed to do was send an SMS [opensesame123] to a number and my OTA Server would send them the details. And now I could demo.

That was then.

Sasa OTA Server ni nini Salim?

Ohh. My bad. An OTA Server is a service that allows a MNO (Mobile Network Operator Kama Safcom, Zain etc) to remotely manage and configure your phone. Like when u dial sijui *445# from your Saf Line, their OTA Server sends you what they call ‘Internet Settings’. These settings are 1 of the many settings an OTA Server can provision. Some Settings can auto-install themselves while others ask you and give you a yes/no options. Another use of OTA is for remotely installing SIM applications on your phone/Sim. Kama Mpesa, Zap etc. Yeah. TechoLingo.

So, fast-forward to 2011. A friend of mine needed An OTA Server and asked me to get quoted. The best I could get astonished me. OTA goes for the following amount, Quoting a supplier I contacted last week :

Here is the pricing options for the DM Carrier Edition – The cheapest possible.

Product Packages:

Entry level (up to 200,000 devices)

No source code

Lower Server fee – $150,000

Only Bootstrap, Provision, FOTA, MO tree (no SCOMO, no DRMD)

Annual support – $30,000

Device activation fee – $1.00/device

Training – 1 week dev level – $15,000

Training – 1 week operations and support – $15,000

Minimal integration – $75,000

AAA Server, FOTA repository, Database integration, No API scripts, no CSS integration No device certification/IOT

My gawd!! Ngoja. Max 200 devices. No API. You depend on them. But, lemmi put things into perspective.

The above means that Kwanza on Install, as a Telco, you pay USD 150k. Then you pay them USD 30k for training and USD 75k for installation and integration. Then every 12 months, you need to pay USD 30k. This is small money and peanuts to most Telcos. But here comes the clincher! Everytime Salim dials *445#, the telco (Saf/Zain/etc) pays the DM Server Developers USD 1. Fuck!

And this is the cheapest. The lite version.

Tukajam sote 10 M of us and we all dial *445# now, assuming Safaricom is on this model, they would incurr a bill of USD 10M immediately. And this is where most telco revenues suffer.

I am inspired.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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May 09, 2011

9:39

Deru kugi wa utareru

» ‎ Idd Salim

Stick out and DIE

I was coding at the usual pad last week and was honored when Jamo, Mmuendo, RedZola, AmkaKenya and Kaboro offered me lunch. Reddy asked me to choose between warm breasts or tantalizing thighs and she promised to make them sizzling hot.I was tempted. The breasts looked tantalizing.

I opted for the ribs and we were soon on our way to the NyamChom place.

Well, the thought of Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy never crossed my mind as we were all comfortably ensconsed in the chairs, hungrily masticating the sumptuous roasted beef with Mukimo, Mbese and some drinks. A joke or 2 were exchanged but as one cracked a joke, the rest ruthlessly masticated the beef as they cheered him on to crack MORE jokes. One less eater. More eats.

And thence cameth the question : “Salim, What did Safaricom give you? You are now wearing a Safaricom shirt and you no longer speak of any evil ‘they do’. They have changed the Certificate Process for the Vodafone certsrv interface and implemented alot of other security-through-obscurity self-defense models around Mpesa that don’t really add to the security instead of hiring REAL hackers to secure the system once and for all”, One asked.

“Deru kugi wa utareru“. Was my response. [出る杭は打たれる]. They thought I was speaking Kimeru. But NOOOO. This ancient Japanese proverb remains true upto today. So I explained. “Loosely translated, it means : ‘It is the nail that sticks out that gets hammered.’. I will not lecture you about the sanctions that I have received. Read my blog.”.

And they were enlightened. A stool never stands on one ‘leg’. If many nails we to stick out, it would take long and make it tedious to hammer them to desired shape. But ONE nail? One fucking nail? [Ok, 3.5 (Add the Nail called Kahenya, the Pin called Kachwanya and the Thorn called Alai. Throw in some staples like our beloved Wanjiku and Mumbed.)] cannot make a difference.

We are seen as rebels. People wenye ‘wana issues’ and ‘all they do is rant’. Even FELLOW bloggers judge and castigate us.

Kenyan bloggers are not liberated enough to start an online movement. We are a shame to the society. A total letdown. The only things we can blog fearlessly about are our elbows and armpits. Not real issues. Sad. Pathetic.

Busy day. Can’t say alot.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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May 08, 2011

21:23

That Man-United Factor

» ‎ Idd Salim

Winners. Ruthless. Focused.

Sad. Really. The harsh realities of life. But we can never run away from them.

I am one of the most Anti-Man-Urinals person you will ever meet. I hate the gay players they have (Scholes and Neville etc), the fact that they never play African Players (last played was Fortune and Djemba*2 in 2003).

Manucho and Diouf should not fool you. They will never play at OT.

But there are a few things we cannot ignore.

Realistic Arsenal Fans will tell you one thing. Arsenal will never win anything in the next 4 years. Not unless Wenger takes the finger out of his ass and signs a striker to COMPLEMENT Van Persie. Signs a real DM and a CB or 2. We also need Denilson, Almunia, Bendtner, Eboue, Chamakh and Diaby sold. Or they just resign or die. Arsenal changed from Arsenal FC to Arsenal PLC. Focused on profit. Not trophies.

Man Urinals has Chicharito + Berbatov + Rooney. All Cold-blooded motherfucking goal machines. The rest of the team are semi-skilled fighters and no-nonsense whackers. Player for player, Man U cannot match Arsenal or Chelsea. But as a team, they are a force to reckorn with. No mercy. No prisoners.

Arsene is still experimenting with Van-Persie the Master and the 3 musketeer clowns masquerading as strikers. A vanPersie who plays only 1/3 of a season. 11 quality players who do not know the meaning of TEAMWORK. Always trying the same old side-ways passing-opponents-to-death and score-the-perfect-goal approach. Year-in, year-out, still ‘building and developing’. Losing easy games to pussy teams. Meanwhile, Man Urinals rack trophy after trophy, sometimes winning games they MUST win or WERE losing.

The one and only James Allen will tell you one thing to your face. “Circumstances do not make the man, they reveal him to himself.”. How you come out from a conondrum, reveals you to yourself. It does not make you stronger or weaker. It REVEALS , to you, whether you are strong or weak. There is NOTHING like luck. Champions make their own luck.

And this is something you will see in entreprenuers in Kenya.

There is the Arsenal-Type. Always with the right ideas, right knowledge. But they lack to the ball to take the bulls by the horns. Always believing that there is enough for everyone. That the world is fair. Playing to participate, not necessarily to win. If one opportunity passes, another one will surely give. If it does not, we wait for the next. And keep waiting. Loop until false.

There is, then, the Man-Urinals-Type. Always hungry and focused. Playing every game like a final. Playing to WIN all the time. Knowing that they are all mediocre players individually, but UNSTOPPABLE as a team. Complimenting each other’s frailties. Always connected. Referees, The government, the weather always seems to favor them. But after all is said, all is done, when the sun sets, they take home the hottest chic. And fuck her brains out. All night.

Tafakari hayo…

Back to TV kiasi…

Wazi..

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May 05, 2011

9:49

The struggling, the existing, the living and the thriving…

» ‎ Idd Salim

Financially Free.

As we all know, in this life, ‘there are 2 tings involved’. Ask BasketMouth. Either una doo, ama hauna. Simple as. The rest ni hekaya.

I was so depressed yesterday. Not, not because of the Mangaysters Yawnited game vs Schalke. That was an obvious win. We went to Buffet park and watched it in peace. There were few Man Urinals fans there. Maybe coz Ngata pandad by 3 bob. We all know hawanaga doo. So ikawa issue hao kutokea.

I was depressed when a iHubress told me that the common perception was that if I did a project with a gal, then there were strings attached and I would demand unconditional Admin Access to her config files and read/write access to her drive C. I was saddened. I began recollecting all the iHubreeses I had done apps with and assisted with a script or 2 with NO strings attached. No Demands. Just an occasional smile. Ask JO, MG, LK, SO etc.

But fuck that. Everyone has their own opinions. They can go hump tree.

So, today, IddSalim wants to speak about some few realities of life. And What IddSalim Wants to speak about, IddSalim SPEAKS about. And there is nothing you [haters/wannabes/Vb_guys] can do about it.

On our way to BP, we discussed a few things with ‘My Mboyz’. Muendo, Jamo and Muniu. There are 4 stages in life that a techie (coder/designer/copy-paster/code-snatcher/hacker) passes by. Most stop at stage 2. Sadly.

1. The Struggling

You have JUST managed to pay for your laptop. Unahope daily adapter isichape. Rent is an issue every end of month. You hope the Matts have not ongezad 20 bob to the standard fare today, coz home hutafika. You reach iHub/Office at 10am and leave at 10pm, coz fare itakuwa imeshuka. Pete akipandisha bei tena ya chai haukunywi. No not in protest, but because you need to decide between Pete’s Coffee and fare home. Unataka kwenda Qz na maboyz, but ferrari ni wuzisha. But you keep your head up. You can smell the coffee.

2. The Existing

Yeah. A few projects later. You still struggle with deadlines. You don’t yet know what kind of projects to say no to. You find yourself with pitiful USD 1000 per month projects. Una Nne saa hii. Mtu Mmoja. All of them are 20% done. They are blocking your capacity to accept new better deals. You are in a deadlock. Fuck. The same work pending on Monday is still pending on Friday. I know you know worramseng.

Rent si issue. You have rent for at least the next 3 months. But daily una-hope usiwe msick. Bado unatumia Matt. Shame on you. Ok, not really shame. Ukijam leo unaangusha Vitz. But bank account itaachwa ndethe. Utakuwa na Bank-Ache.

Wasee always hukuambia : ‘Whaaaaat!! Sijawahi ona msee mnoma kama wewe.’.

3. The Living

You have finally discovered something called ‘delegation’. You have 2-3 coders working under/for/with you. Umeongea na Buggz akakupa lecture about ‘integrity’. Client is KING. They must be pleased. You don’t do mickey-muse projects no more. You pick your clients. They don’t pick you. You no longer send proposals. You get RFQs. You don’t have a CV. Your work speaks for itself.

SupremeG ameku-fanyia orders kama twice hivi. Your bank calls you to ‘Say Hi’. Kila mwezi unadeposit kama 50k to 100k to your personal account. USD. Fala hii. Ulikuwa na argument na maboyz leo. Argument noma sana. Karibu m-fight. Wanataka mwende Zanzibar for the long weekend, unaprefer Seychelles. You can’t decide kama leo Hii meeting ya Airtel uende na Kompressor ama Range. You reach iHub/Office at 11am. Umetoka Golf. You leave at 4pm. Unaenda movie kiasi na kamamsilla. Hujadecide ni kagani. Knowworramseng?

4. The Thriving

The ultimate. Ndemo anakubeep. Unashangazwa na blog posts about struggling techies. Ajeaje? How can one own a PC, know how to use it and make less that 1.5M USD per month. Pesa yako. Si ya kampuni. Kila function, luncheone, nini, nini, unaitwa. Your opinion does ‘not matter’. It is the de-facto. Goverment IT policies unazi-draft. Every coder wants to meet you. Every gal wants to mate you.

And no. You have not written your own OS. No. Wewe si mnoma like that. Ni vile umeacha kuwa coder. Umekuwa businessman. You provide solutions. Not code.

Tafakari hayo.

Back to code…

Wazi

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April 30, 2011

15:46

The Art of Moving on; Swiftly…

» ‎ Idd Salim

Move on. Swiftyly...

I was in Mombasa a few days ago for the ICT Board ConnectedKenya Conference. It was a good experience.

From watching stuck-up corporate chics (the i-don’t-need-a-man-coz-I-got-ma-own-cheddar type) change into nymphos after a few tequilas. From watching Salim sink in hard water. To watching an Epic JetSkii race between 2 very well known and respected companies in Kenya.

If there is one thing I realized was that when one door closes, a bigger, shinier one opens. Almost instantly. God/Allah/Jesus/Fate/Karma or whatever you call that force that maintains equilibrium is called, will never let you suffer.

But as I told Herbo and Mbugua, most of us sit there sobbing and pounding on the closed small door for so long, wasting away in a miasma of self-pity, for so long that the newly opened door starts shutting itself. Or worse still, someone gets into the new open house and locks it. Before you can even realize it had opened. Then you start blaming the government, God, the weather. etc.

I got a nice comment on my earlier blog today (fuck! I did 3 blogs in the last 18 hours!!) . PK Said:

idd dont be frustrated the fight is never easy unless its a worthless one.U got too much talent to waste doing mpesa api’s only.Think of other ways to do the task u want to code,however long it will be.Work with banks(KCB mtaani,Equity agency,smaller banks too)They might start your movement too.Don’t kill yourself with telcos,also teach other developers to do that.then you’ll become a big team of developers with same vision so achieving it will be easier.Dont have bitterness with them, jus work,someone else will recognize it out there who will take it so high,you’ll be amazed.
If you dont believe me go downtown and see the way banks are taking mpesa head on.their transaction fees aren’t that high and they are all over like the mpesa stalls.they knew they couldn’t be following telcos to partner with them all the time n get raw money transfer deals.
Now jus work work work…..n make hizo system za ushete they have all the money dont thing

The message was clear. Don’t fight change. Don’t struggle to change what you can’t accept, especially after the wisdom you have dictates that what you don’t accept can’t be changed. Move on! Swiftly.

Life it too short.

Make love, not war. Create friends and allies. Not enemies. If you can’t join them, leave them. Don’t try to beat them.

Have a blessed day.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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8:16

A few facts of life

» ‎ Idd Salim

Kubali yaishe

And so, reality checks in. We are all going up a steep hill. All 1024 of us. But there is only room for 10 at the top. 4 of us seem to hold this fact to heart. They know it is true. 6 seem to think the world is fair and that things will/can/should change. Are you one of the 4, or the 6?

It takes one wrong step and you slip. Fall. Disappear. Now, we have 1023 left.

If you won’t fall, one of the the other 1022 will trip you. Get you out of the way. Whatever it takes.

And No. They are not being unfair. This is life. People must be examples. Others must be warnings. Clear warnings. Sacrificial lambs. The ones that take the brunt. While the rest cheer on. But when push comes to shove, they RUN and hide. “IddSalim said it. Not me”. They never conform to your ideologies. They know only 10 can make it. They cheer you on to self destruction. Just to reduce the number. Now there are 999 people left. Still a big number. But Smaller.

Everywhere I look, there is crime without punishment. Something needs to be done. But by who? When? How? Or do we just accept what we can’t change. Move on. Pretend nothing is happening? I think so. Slowly. Yes. Sad. I know. But what is one person vs a conglomerate? What is one soldier vs a platoon? Isn’t it easier to join them?

I receive alot of calls. “Salim, we have problems with our MySQL Database. We have lost the password. We need you to hack it.”. One things comes to mind immediately. Entrapment. Traps. All over. Big. Small. Traps. Run. Fast. Don’t look back. Say you can’t do that kind of job. Be seen like a bitch. But live longer.

When you fight by the side of monsters, you eventually become one of them. Repeat a lie long enough, and it eventually becomes the truth. Is the truth that they are hurting you, or is it actually you that is blindly hurting yourself. Daily. Obliviously. Would you rather be a poor/broke/struggling non-partisan purist, or someone else’s rich bitch?

Don’t fight when you are angry or hungry. You weaken yourself more. In more ways than 3. Ohh the questions, answer and hard facts of life. This life. One life. Short life.

Slowly, you find yourself conceding. The fight is hard. Support is harder to come by. Slowly, you watch a pussy grow between your legs. Sadly. As tears fall down your cheek. But you need this pussy.

You realize that you have only 2 options. Shut up, or conform. No room for rebels here. No renegades. No fact-speakers. MindSpeak is a myth.

Back to code…

Wazi.

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April 29, 2011

21:14