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Kahenya

May 16, 2011
16:45
May Bread Initiative 1 - Roy's Stand
» ‎ Kahenya

Guest Post by Samantha Spooner (@samooner)

Roy is a gentleman that sells sunglasses on the road near Westgate, he’d often lose them to city council for hawking without a license and has been jailed countless times. He is the stereotype of an informal labourer: little education, no rights, no savings, unstable future and struggling to survive with fluctuations in prices.

When asked what he would want to do, Roy has asked to set up a small legitimate business selling women’s jewelry and make-up in Westlands. He has done his research on the items and knows they will sell in this market.

I’m in the process of getting him a stand built to display his jewelry.

I’ve agreed to cover the first two months of his rent for the stall and the initial stock to help him get on his feet.

In order to do this I am hoping for some financial help. For this project I will be doing a 24 hour sponsored fast. Please pass the message along and let me know if you, your friends/family, would be willing to sponsor me. NOTE: It will cost 10,000 to cover his rent, stock and stand - any amount will go a long way to changing someone’s life.

Love

Samantha (Moina)

For more details click here

To Donate: Send your donations via MPesa to 0725 884 624 (Julia) Lines closes end of business on Monday 23th May 2011.
May 03, 2011
11:56
Start the show
» ‎ Kahenya

Believe it or not, my blog started as a blog for nights out in London with my Algerian French buddy Mel. It was about beer, chicks and pubs and clubs. Basically that was my idea of blogging, write, put up pics, and have fun. It caught on a lot in London, especially when we started doing the Circle Line Beer Run, and we had all sorts of people hooking up with us to drink with us, party with us, travel with us, etc, but that died off when winter came since we went out less, and when I moved to Poland, even less until I came back home.

I started to write about business and technology when I came back and avoided politics vehemently. I’m no expert, but I wrote about what I saw and what I experienced. I did not ever want to get caught up in politics and now I find myself in the middle of some dumb shit. In the first year of my blog, I was nicked twice for a video I made, I’m not revisiting that one again, since I promised not to talk about it. I’ve had hate mail, threat mail, etc.

My grandfather was a carpenter and a shopkeeper, and in another life, he was in the Mau Mau. This is on my paternal side. He taught us how to live free and not be scared of someone who has red blood like you and breathes oxygen just like you. He told us that he might have never been to school, but he died with more Degrees that we could ever attain in school. He died a very happy man, and very honourable. On my maternal side, my grandfather taught me the same. He is still alive and is a mechanical engineer, skills he acquired from his work in the Mau Mau rebellion. They both fought for their families, because they would rather have died fighting, then live like slaves. That made me who I am. My uncle, the late lawyer S. K. Ndungi, got shot while driving near Jevanjee Gardens after obtaining information about a certain stolen 96 million shillings a few years back. 17 bullets later, and after he had come out of his Volvo to surrender, he was dead. Before that, he had been imprisoned for 64 days in Kamiti after being suspected of being the mastermind behind Wanugu and co amongst other things. Ofcourse it was bullshit, and I’m not really allowed to talk about who did this to him. In 2008, my other uncle GG Ngengi lost his life in Kuresoi fighting for what he believed to be the right thing. He died an honourable death, the night he died, his family was with us seeking refuge.

Now, I know, that there are 3 or more rumours floating around about me, and my recent posts, and I wish to clarify them once and for all, hence why I am writing this.

1. My family is not and has never been politically connected aside from my two late uncles and that should point more to their families and not mine. We don’t rub shoulders with political elite because we don’t know where to find them. I won’t speak a lot for my father, but he is only an Engineer, and he helps the needy. He told me just before I came to Addis that he has no political ambition and will only continue to help his community through social forums. Which is what he does. He is not a politician and has no interest in politics outside of what he reads in the papers and watches on TV.

2. We are not super rich or rich. We are ordinary Kenyans, middle class and what not. We did not grow up with much, and I’m rarely unfazed by fashion, expensive things etc. I don’t receive money from politicians to write the articles I am writing. I have never received any money or protection from any politician whatsoever. I have turned down many politicians who have offered money to write dirt on others and I don’t believe its in good taste either. There are no hidden accounts in overseas countries with billions stashed away, I maintain one savings bank account in London with Lloyds TSB, one savings account with Dashen Bank in Addis Ababa and one savings bank account in Poland with HSBC Bank Polska. Thats the sum total of all my foreign accounts. That is from the labour of my work and were there long before I came back to Kenya.

3. I do not have any political ambition whatsover in any way, I am not going after Lewis Nguyai’s seat as MP, or Govenor, and neither is my father, although Lewis seems to believe that, first of all, I don’t possess enough money, experience and clout to become a politician, and again, I think its a life of hypocricy and lies. If your service is to people, you dont need to be in government to do that and people seem to be disillusioned by all that. I am a street guy, I love working with my hands, and I hate the mendacity that is our politicians. The only time I met Peter Kenneth a few weeks ago was to ask him to run for President. Since he has done good work in Gatanga, I believe he can do the same for Kenya. Before that, I had never spoke to Peter Kenneth (and you can ask him). The meeting was brokered and arranged by Kaara Wainaina and that was the first and probably the last time we sit together. The meeting was at the Intercontinental, and it was not in a secret room somewhere with bodyguards and what not, it was in open plain sight. I do not plan to be a financier or steward in any campaign. If that changes, you guys will be the first to know.

When I do what I do with charity work, and what I write on my blog, its because I believe its up to us to change Kenya, and our society. I do this as my duty to my community, my country as a citizen, my continent as an African and to God who I believe in. I am strong spirited about it because when I become a father, and when I look and talk about Ella, I imagine that she and my kids will have a better society one day in the future, one that unfortunately cannot be produced by the current crop of politicians. I’m not scared of being arrested, of society or even death. I only do what I think is right, and if I’m wrong, correct me. I have no secrets, and anyone can ask me anything, provided respect is employed. There is no politician using me to write what I am writing. There is no political angle to my blog except change in my country and I will die writing it if I have to.

Kahenya
April 29, 2011
17:11
Older Golder Problems
» ‎ Kahenya

Disclaimer: This is not hate speech and if you think it is, you must hate yourself.

Come October, a lot of people are going to be starving cause well, our government has been silly enough to let us starve. The whole of East Africa and quite possibly beyond East Africa, is going to be hungry. Its kinda obvious there has been drought which means what we are expecting isn’t coming and if it does, the price we will pay, damn, petrol will be the only thing we just might be able to afford at a buck eleven a pop. So, who could have done what differently to make things better?

1. Uhuru Kenyatta - I’m not financial analyst, but he knew this sheet was coming. Instead of running around like a crazy warlord politicking away, he could have atleast sounded the warning for Kenyans to be ready. He could have told us to brace ourselves or asked for constructive solutions. President Uhuru however would rather be getting fake elder status from someone on the wrong side of a mountain. He would rather be teaching us to hate RAO and others instead of actually helping us get out of this shit. He would rather get on twitter and tell us that he would have to go to parliament to remove the 2 bob insult and give Kenyans back some dignity. People from Gatundu South don’t have time for him, and until Moi stepped up for him, he missed Gatundu South how many times? Moi allowed him to finally inherit his dad’s constituency. His constituency is backward, poor andhonestly, they will not probably vote for him. Uhuru, you want to win, fight for Kenyans, not for Ruto. Gatundu South has a lot of issues, but Uhuru, he is the primary one.

2. William Ole Ntimama - I’m sure he is a cyborg. Fuck, the dude is 90000000 years old, and somehow, he keeps on moving. The first dude I know who could outlast Moi in a life competition. He was there before Speke discovered the Nile. In the story, the young boy guiding Speke, that was Ntimama, he had teeth then ofcourse, and a brain, now its a mass of jelly tied to a pair of shoes and a diaper. Ntimama represents the worst in politicians. But here is what is sad. He is also filthy rich, and allegedly smart. So, he would rather advicate for “Tribal Pride” and not for sustainable development. Here is how. See, the Maasai people believe the more cows and wives you have, th wealthier you are, so you could feed all your cows viagra and become a billionare. But the cows eat grass, and drink water, and the more the cows, the more the resources they need. So, you could be wealthy cow-wise but a pauper in reality, and this is the ignorant part. Ntimama should have told people to sell their mature cows when times were good and retain the calves and young ones, for a bit of $$$. I mean, they could earn 10k a cow, and selling say 20 out of a herd of say 100 is cool. Not only does the farmer have money, to take his daughters to school, but he also spares resources. Cows are going to hump anyway, so its going to be a sustainable plan. Ntimama knows this. I know he knows this for a fact. Ever heard this ancient dude think that way? The more ignorant the Maasai’s remain, the better it his for him. Kinda kills off the competition. So, there are Maasais in Paula’s shamba with their cows draining resources because the person representing them does not have their best interests at heart.

3. RAO - Another stone age dude, and I don’t know what people think, I just know RAO is partly responsible for the hate between Kikuyus and Luos. Its kinda obvious, I mean, all I know is that if I fuel Larry with gaga and ugali, we are good friends, but here is the catch, there is Lake Victoria, where all he nice fishies come from. Now, the fish, collected in the morning (fishermen fish at night) by the Indians can be bought at say 30 bob a fish, and sold in Nairobi for 500 bob a piece. The fishermen have no say as to the price of their fish, it whatever the Indians decide. And if you can’t sell it and you dont have cold storage space, you will find yourself walking on water with a white robe kissing the fish alive cause fish have the shortest “half-life” i can think of. So, in that whole story, I feel the need to use the word exploitation. Now, Luos are good in extracting fish from the lake, thats their thing, and I hear Kikuyus might have the knack to sell it at the right price, an giving the Luos much better value for their labours. But, a Kikuyu dude cannot get into that business for the virtue of the fact that he is Kikuyu. Luos would rather sell their fish at 30 bob to the Indians than 60 bob to the Kikuyus. Its a fact, and God willing in August, I will be lakeside to factually discuss this. Now, I know that the dude in the lake would rather sell is fish to the highest bidder, which would have needed RAO to create better ties with other people (not marginalise Indians) to have better value. RAO could have invested in cold storage which gives this guys leverage. Local MPs could have used the money to invest in cold storage. But nope, we hate each other. Guess who suffers.

4. Samuel Poghisio - Pokot region, Turkana and the likes are famous for the amount of goats that exist. The only other place with more goats than people is Botswana. Factually, there are more goats per square kilometer than people. Goats are those sturdy creatures that walk everywhere, eat little, produce a lot and go down on their knees round about every festive period. Goats to me are much easier to manage than cows. The largest market for goats in the world, the Arab region, they will buy any goat that is disease free, knows how to eat, shit, drink and piss and copulate. And can make choma every once in a while. So wtf are people running around the arid regions with a bunch of goats they can’t manage? People can get paid for this and use the money for other things. Get the goats Yellow Fever cards, passports and ship the bastards to the Arabs. But he is not doing that. Teaching his people to do that, they just eat their wealth away, which helps absolutely nobody. Eff this. And Poghisio can’t get his ministry to work right, and neither his constituency? Teach people to be responsible

5. Kiraitu - I knew we had a ton of issues when the guy absolutely responsible for energy in the Kenya, giggled at a press conference. Right there, I told Rudy, pass the joint, we are fucked. And Rudy looked at me with those innocent eyes and asked me, why the fuck is he giggling? I don’t know, but I know that when it came to the issues around petrol and what not, Kiraitu should have fucking stepped up. And he did not. Corruption, price manipulation, mismanagement, a poor regulator, NOCK, suppliers etc, Kiraitu should have been ontop of all that shit. It should not have been something to discuss, we should not be in the state we are right now. Fuel fucks everything else up, bread prices have doubled faster than my age has, and that to me is a warning sign. Instead, Kiraitu will giggle, deal with Mt Kenya issues, have funny press conferences and basically do jack shit else. Which is a failure. We are not here because prices went up, we are here cause he dropped the ball. And we suffer for it. We should have had better reserves, back up suppliers, and all this shit should have been done trasparently. Now it turns out, some people did not even know where the ship was, or what it was even called. There is something wrong with Kiraitu’s soul and brain. He is responsible for this shit.

6. FCLIT and Amos Kimunya - Now, FCLIT fucked up the Ministry Of Transport. Kibaki, allowed a guy with every known possible conflict of interest and incompetence in the one ministry that he should not have. FCLIT should have been ministry of singing and seduction. He would have fitted there perfectly. But Kibaki, to have tribal balance in the gava, chose him, not anywhere else. The result, he basically did not do shit, he allowed matatus to pwn Kenyan roads, death tolls are up, Mtongwe is still a ferry and not a bridge, but his matatus went unbothered by the law. And besides, traffic had nothing to do with his ministry so who the fuck cares, right? Now, a by election saw Kimunya become the new Minister. WTF is he doing there? Get rid of him and bring back that ancient dude Michuki.

7. Kalonzo Musyoka - The girly man, has been an MP for a long while. 26 years. This nigga spends his festives donating food to hungry people in his constituency. 26 fucking years and people are still starving. Aside from playing girlfriend between ODM and PNU, the dude has wasted 26 years of his people. This is the saddest man. 26 years later, he has not come with a sustainable plan for his constituency and yet, he wants to be president. He has no track record of having done anything successfully, probably just making 50 million, but thats it. This is pathetic. 26 years, there would be a dam, invented a river, dug some boreholes, and some shit like that, he still feeds people once a year. Fuck this. Kalonzo, forget the presidency, go do something sustainable for your constituency. They deserve it, they have earned you.
April 28, 2011
23:38
Disguises
» ‎ Kahenya

Well, here is the funny thing, we all pretend to be who we are supposed to be. Look at life, in the back of your mind, that fucking mortgage is killing you, to the rest of us, your S-Class is fly, so your heathen self has to pretend. No other motherfucking choice. When we get married, the dudes want to be the super fucking hero, the man with a dick and a half, and yes, I have a dick and a half. And I know how to use mine, you better know how to use yours, and girls, don’t dispute, its big, just learn how to catch the fucking thing, no pretending, calling it, “oh that”, oh what the fuck, its a fucking dick, take off your fucking disguise, you know what you want. Nai girls are funny, they want a dicking but since your ass is broke, the go for some soft dick paid nigger with bad breath.

Disguises apply in very many places, they apply at work, where, we disguise ourselves as the most studious hard working dudes, till your motherfucking life comes to an end and I am promoted. RIP you bastard. Or until salo comes, and then, you get the fuck out of there, start your business, become someone, do some shit and then in the end of it all, you die, leaving that shit to some crackhead of a relative. And all your extendeds want to become landowners too. Thats useful. Disguise yourself, so that your loved ones who matter to you get what they rightly deserve.

They apply as a politician,. see those dudes who are always pretending about who they are, I mean, look at Tinga, wanting to make us believe he is a fucking victim? You want to see a victim, go to Burnt Forest. Fucking idiot, walking around with a stupid grin like you are the only Luo with white teeth, do you blow a jik bottle in the morning to get that smile? Thats a disguise. Inside lies a heartless cruel man, a victim of his own stupidty, a desperate man, one who will be king of nothing. So we believe that he is saved, smart, nice, when all I see a black dude with a stupid smile. Drop the diguise dude.

Or the time when you are sitting infront of this hot chick, and she is a serious fox like the girl from the other day, nice boobs, nice conversation, nice ass, nice everything basically and you can do two things, fight the funk, and put on a disguise, and pray to God she does not notice you are checking her out, and wishing her, or get ballsy and just sweet talk her ass to death and hope to God you don’t make an arse out of yourself or misread this sheet. Ofcourse, the fish before you does not make it easier since you will probably skewer it death staring at the sheer material covering that fine ass, but fuck it, a disguise needed to be employed. Girly, point noted.

But the one i’m talking about, is the one that drives the government absolutely mad. The one where they just want to fucking murder your ass cause you are talking your mind for freedom. I’m embarrased when I see some dude with the name xxxx999 writing a very nice aricle about just what the fuck is on his mind, how gava has screwed us over, but the conversation gets lost because he is just another avatar and a secret agent name. I’m embarrased cause the Kahenya before me went and stood up and waved whatever tools he had and struggled to survive under the British regime but he did is as Kahenya, and my grandfather did not believe in pretending to be someone else. To be honest very few people have convinced me that being an avatar and a pseudonym is something to be believed. When people fought, the Mau Mau, KANU, KAU, KADU etc and whatever other organisations existed at that time, they did it with their real names and real faces, and they died cause they would rather have died as men and women on their feet, finding their freedom than living free on their knees. So lets clear the air about one thing. Being a blogger means that you could easily become dead and forgotten if you are well spoke. Its a fact. But, how do you want to live. As a free (wo)man? Our forefathers died for our freedom and they did with their real names not as xxxx999. There are risks involved when you go and write about a shiny faced nigga wearing golfing hats walking around with a smile like he is constipated. I am willing to die to give my kids the life they deserve, that’s without a doubt, I won’t do shit behind people’s backs to do that, because as far as I know, I’m doing this for my family and for my friends. I know the price people pay, and Im not scared about that shit. You live and you die. I’ve been on the wrong side of things. I critisised Kukubo for the shit they did in Bellagio (check the comments), the nigga is going to send some unknown (and you can Google it) person who obviously a fake person to try and tell us how petty and mistaken we are. I like Kukubo, but some decisions he makes, are in poor taste, I said that as Kahenya, they sent in avatar, so who would you believe? The person who can stand with both balls tagged with a real name, or someone sending an avatar and a pseudonym? Dear internet, there is no such person as Wabner Amina, that some fiction shit the ICT Board created. Thats the kind of shit you need to stop believing.

So here is my guide on who should be anonymous as a blogger and who is a pussy blogger (as coined by Idd Salim)

1. You have the real dirt on gava that would fry Emilio, RAO, Muigai and co, you should be anon. You will get smoked. If you release this, you are definitely not a pussy blogger. You are hotter than Assange and you know them rape charges will stick to your ass better than a skidmark on a g string, even after you are dead. You suspect.

2. Uncovered some shit by high end Ministries, NOCK sheet, maize sheet, Ocampo sheet, book fund sheet, Goldenberg sheet, Mercedes Benz sheet, Grand Regency Sheet, Anglo Leasing sheet, Nexus sheet, Kamani sheet (and these guys are multiple offenders), fighter jet sheet, navy project sheet, helicopter sheet, and some shady underground business sheet from guys who might smoke you, go anon or distribute amongst everyone else, and release in such a way that there is no original source to be identified. You are not a pussy blogger, you are hotter than Assange if you do this shit on your own. Personal risk to life = 9999999%

3. ICT Board fights, CCK shit, that shit dissing parliamentarians, Media Maddness shit, no need to be anon, if you are, you are a pussy blogger.

4. Writing about LGBT stuff, depends on location, in this case Kenya, go anon, cause gava is the least of your worries. Some homophobe somewhere will drop you after following you on Twitter and Foursquare. And this is an example of a Foursquare Checkin or a Tweet or a Facebook Status Update that turn you into a victim:

Me and my 3 Gay Buddies are all wearing matching pink shirts and trousers and just checked into Gypsy’s.

BAD IDEA!!!!!!! Victim. Look, I think you all should be free to run around and do whatever, but the rest of society, figures sheet differently.

5. Writing about scoring ass, who the fuck cares, get a real blog, pussy blogger. You don’t deserve a blog. Except Wanjohi, cause that nigger is crazy.

Thats it. Sorry, this is not up to par, struggling between power blackouts and poor connections has left my head a bit confused.
April 20, 2011
0:02
East African Dreams (Part 2)
» ‎ Kahenya

Ofcourse you should be pissed. I am pissed. First of all, owning a car in Kenya has moved quickly from it being a priviledge and a blessing to it being a curse. I know a lot of people have been sending friend requests and prayers requests to the Compiler for some hope, but face it dudes, we got boned. I was shocked as I watched and partly participated in the tweet conversation between Coldtusker, Uhuru and that business man dude. I was more shocked that we can justify that petrol can be raised by even 10 shillings in one go, but can only be reduced by 30% before parliament steps in. Now, parliament might as well be a gangsters den, cause, those guys don’t care. Today, I had to give some school kids an extra 10 bob so that they could go home and not have to walk cause matatu fares are up by between 10 and 20 bob. I did not see Fred Gumo there, where he should have been, but, I did see an S Class that quite looks like his Silver One, but not him, and it probably was not his, but then, as I was helping my ma do her thing, I realised just how alone we are on this one. The only care about us in very few instances, for instance, election time, Gumo will be standing there pockets sagging with a shit load of coins, a crime where the criminal is lying down in a pool of blood, he will be there to say how much he has done to fight for his constituency to reduce crime, when one of the other organisations with non Swahili speaking people come to launch a school or a clinic or something, he will be there to explain how he has hustled for CDF money for his constituency. Same as Uhuru, and all the others. I haven’t seen shit today that has impressed me about Kenya, maybe except the roads, the new ones, which we now live in, and might as well start washing them with petrol since the jams are just crazy and since FCLIT messed up the traffic system, we have run out of choices there. That fucked up. Martha and a couple of others fought well today, she did, I’m proud of her, but its like when Noah was telling people that there needs to be an Ark cause it was game over. They laughed at his ass, guess how that story ends. My patriotism levels as of today are somewhere near 0%. So I extend my patriotism to East Africa, wanting to believe that maybe someone else is doing something I can pretend to be proud of. Lets start with Kagame, nothing to even talk about. He is class, he is on point, he knows what he is doing, and he is doing it well, thats what my President should be like, not this bunch of noise making assholes. Kagame, some hate, a lot love, and Rwanda is on the map. And the women are fine too. So points up. Burundi, wtf? Seriously. Its like a village, backward, backward President, backward everything. Shit, points wane. Tanzania, well, I love TZ cause they have very pretty girls, its laid back, they own Zanzibar and well, they are really chilled out, ofcourse, they are going to ruin the Mara cause of that highway to nowhere, but who cares. Fuck the lions, all they do is eat the zebras anyway, we don’t need ecological balance, we need smoke making trucks running around paradise. Tanzania wants to be like Europe, all fine, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to see lions in a zoo cause thats the only place they will be. That highway, and that funny brew they made and the funny politics in there, and buying albinos and shit, fuck, disappointment, takes TZ back to near colonial days. Sucks. Which leaves Uganda. First of all, Museveni is like 200, turning on Methuselah. That bald head means that he needs to be in a village somewhere eating mashed bananas or some shit. I don’t feel for bananas anymore since I cant eat them anymore, but shit, I know who can and who should. He should. I don’t know if Museveni moonlights as a masochist or the lesson on intelligence missed him, I’m not sure. And I won’t even try and understand it. I do however understand that he is not quite that smart anymore. Someone needs to tell Museveni that the war ended when he still had hair, and now its peace time. I mean, who the fuck can sleep with themselves after getting pregnant women shot? When did Kampala become Mogadishu? I know evil, and Museveni is evil. He is a sick man, and yes, he needs to take NRM and go fly a kite. All because of a bunch of oil. The man is filthy rich, and he can’t get enough? Blocking Facebook and Tweeter? First of all learn to spell twitter, and secondly, as Libya, Tunisia, Egypt and other countries have taught us, its impossible to silence a unified voice. Block them, we Tor in, proxy in, we will build this shit even if it means laying a yard of CAT5 LAN cable across the border. That shit does not work. It makes him look more stupid, trying to force people to not walk to work. Well, Museveni, to be honest, with petrol this expensive, and your people being that poor, because honestly, they are just poor, people walk. That what they are supposed to do. When I run out of $$$$$, I will walk, and shooting me, that shit will not make me rich again. It will make me more poorer so deal with the shame of the fact that you have directly ruined your country. Get a life man.

So what happens in the future? Ironically, we always thought that the Middle East revolution system would not work cause of the conditions needed.

Recap:

1. 95%+ of the population must be of the same tribe, that way tribalism is not a factor

or

2. 95%+ of the population must be of the same religion, and that breaks down Sunni, Shia, Catholic, Anglican, etc. that way religion is a non-issue

or

3. 95%+ of the population must have a common cause. One that has directly affected their normal lifestyle. Bingo. this is us.

Number 3 is normally quite hard to achieve, and in the Middle East, all 3 were there. However, our side of the world, the current situation is actually unifying us. When you buy petrol, the pump does not have special rates for the Kuria people, or the Rabai people, or anyone for that matter. Kind of hard to be trying to be selling tribalism to a unified people, a starving unified people. Come October, we will be starving cause the numbers from harvests are looking dismal. So we will be hungry, we won’t be able to afford to do shit, and the next situation that government aggravates, could be the one that either creates a near revolution, or if people are super pissed, a revolution. That’s not guess work, its for real. And that applies to Kenya and Uganda. The governments seem to have a huge disconnect from the people. The reality is not sinking in yet. Uhuru and Museveni and all this other assholes can go trying to confuse us, but we see the true effects of corruption directly affecting us. Its nothing to be scared of. Its for real. Honestly, I’m not scared of dying, but I would rather die like a man on my feet tomorrow, than live 100 years as a gava slave taking shit from them. Those days are over.

And that boy with the tail between his legs thinks he can write as nice as we, we see you. I know you took shit from me, Thinker, Banks, Ory and Diasporadical. And then, ontop of that, you have me leaving my grind to chase you around the city like you owe me some pussy money, and when I found you, you actually tried playing me for stupid infront of your editor. Fuck you. Thats the last time, next time, it won’t be a talking issue. And remember, BAKE is coming.
April 19, 2011
19:31
May Bread 2011
» ‎ Kahenya

Its finally here and its finally happening and I’m excited because its been a long time coming. Its hard to believe that its been a year, since we did this, so we are hoping to make this bigger.

Last year a lot of people wanted us to include them but sadly we could not. This was not intentional, its just that it was such a last minute thing. This year, anyone can help. We are looking for people to help us distribute the bread, help us identify sustainable realistic plans, help us with our work on sustainable food development in urban regions, and help educate people, tell their stories and give people dignity during Labour day. We hope to create a positive impact in not only feeding people, but encouraging them to start fending for themselves food wise and creating food solutions for themselves.

Quick History

Here is a link of how this started.

Logistics

Date: 1st May 2011 starting at 11.00 AM

Locations: Nairobi - Ngong Race Course

Addis Ababa - Fana Bakery, Gerji, (Near Sunshine Apartments)

Coordinators: Nairobi - Samantha Spooner

Addis Ababa - Hiwot Tadesse

Facebook Page: Link

To email Samantha and Hiwot for more details, send an email to foundation (@) virn (dot) net and the subject should have their first name i.e. Samantha or Hiwot.

To Donate: Send your donations via MPesa to 0725 884 624 (Julia) Lines closes end of business on Tuesday 26th 2011.

Please come round to help us distribute all the bread and make this a successful day. You can bring a car, an extra loaf of bread, some knowledge, some wisdom, and afterwards, we always go out and party, so its lots of fun.

Hope to see you there.

Kahenya
April 15, 2011
13:32
East African Dream
» ‎ Kahenya

Sometimes I think I’m crazy. Sometimes I think you are all crazy. Sometimes I think you all think I’m crazy. Yes, maybe I’m psycho, maybe this veggies have cooked my head, made me insane, and maybe I’m laughing at all of you, people have time to read this, go home, curl with your loved one, pull a glass of wine, watch some XYZ while you catch a buzz, with a print out of this, that’s life. And sometimes I get paranoid too, 3 AM in the morning while catching a buzz, wondering if I will ever be the best father, the best husband, the best friend, but that shit is just clowning dog. I know whats wrong with me, which is cool, cause I know how to work around my issues. We are all the same. But nonetheless, its more important to know what I am looking at, and the first thing I saw, was the insult, alongside the millions of Kenyans who are awed by the stupidity of our politicians. WTF? Seriously? How are you going to celebrate a charge sheet from the Hague? How do you get off the plane, grown ass man, two testicles and shit, and insult Kenyans? I mean, you have to ask yourself, what is life worth to you? When I look at Uhuru, before, in many ways, you could only wish that God touched his soul, so that a bit of wisdom could strike his ass, and he could actually do something real for Kenya. Uhuru has got to be the one guy in Kenya who does not need anything. I mean Uhuru could eat large forever, by the time my son turns 25, graduates and becomes something, Uhuru’s great grand kids will be far ahead. And they will eat too, forever, so to see him desperate for political fame, making an ass out of himself, makes me sad. What is he, Kenya’s richest dude? He does not need this shit, he could take a portion of his $$$, and develop his world, without being a politician, he has a wife, kids, family, the important things is life, I mean we are all supposed to be willing to help out right? If I have a loaf of bread, would I let your son or daughter go hungry? Family, we are family. When you have a bit extra, you share, and when you can afford to not have job, wake your black ass up and go do some good, let the poor desperate politicians struggle, while you actually do some real good. You can’t bribe Uhuru, nobody in Kenya can afford it. I mean, that boy must eat off gold plates or something, while all I have are the semi-bulletproof plates she made me buy cause I was breaking too many ceramic ones, and that was ok too. And I’ve been hearing the shit you have been talking about her, and us. She was crazy, yeah, I did not want her to go, I loved her. I miss her, yeah sure, she was a nice person, but since apparently I’m an asshole, there is someone who seems to know better of what really happened. Ask me. I have nothing to hide. And thats exactly what Uhuru is. A sad pathetic alcoholic asshole. Hope he gets struck by lightning 1,000 times. And the same goes for Ruto. First of all Wako, he can drop dead. Back to Ruto, I mean, at some point this fool is going to die. He will be as dead as me, and you, when the Compiler comes making appointments at your door. And what exactly will be Ruto’s legacy? I burnt people up, and then went and stole some maize money, made a cup of tea, went to the Hague with my daughter and showed my daughter exactly how to get away with crimes. Nigga turns up to the Hague with his daughter, she a teenager too, like its a fucking Christmas Party. Hey, daddy is going to discover his life is like a movie, wanna come and see? I saw that shit, I won’t lie, I was buzzing, saw him and his daugher and I was like, what a sad man. I’m sure his wife isn’t letting him redeem his bonga points, cause you know she would have been walking next to him in the Hague. Ruto, get a life. Go, say the truth, cop a plea, and move on. And Kalonzo too. That dude is scary. Look, don’t ask me, I did not know that he did not know how to be a woman either, I mean, I wake up in the morning to watch news and I see him talking and all I see is a man with a kitenge or a waiters shirt pretending to be a man, and I suspect he must be one of those vindictive dudes, the ones that kick you in the nuts and call it a fair fight, Kalonzo, is the new face of impunity in Kenya. I mean cool, you are unsure about your political stand, grow some balls and say I’m confused, not every 5 minutes I’m with Kibaki, I’m with Raila, I’m with Jesus, I’m with 50 Million, I mean WTF dude? If you are a man, I will consider you a man, but shit, behave like a girl, you can keep the head, I got things to do, that involve making money, don’t come here and expect me to listen to your bullshit. You are a liar too, so fuck you very much. You looked like a fool when Moon told you to fuck off denied you the get out of jail card. And that leaves one more dude. Raila, who I’m sure by now has like two toes left, the rate he has been shooting himself in the foot, ha ha ha, no way he has more than 3 toes. First of all Raila, is like 90, I’m sure he Kiwis his hair in the morning, and the whole world knows he can smile. That dude can smile. He has teeth from here to Lake Victoria, smiling and bumbling. Raila, he should retire, go back to Maseno, he shouldn’t even try fish, he might kill someone. He should take Fidel too, and all of them should go find something less destructive to do. I mean, I know what its like to be with a woman, its fun, boobs and everything, but you also talk too. I like girls, how the smell, how the look, they think smart too, I mean, how do you manage to jump into my bed after convincing me your non-MAWE compliant pile of dogshit is real, that smart, I like how they sound (provided its not “the voice”) and when I’m redeeming bonga points, I like them a lot too. So, does he go home and Ida comes over curls up next to him, maybe she is hinting he needs to redeem his bonga points, and he is staring at the mirror and she is like, why did you say that today, or is it, babe, I’m the man, I just said that. Raila doesn’t really know how to think things through. Look, if I was Ruto, or Kosgey or even Sang, shit, I would be at the Hague and I would say exactly the first thing I know won’t get me extra jail time. Raila made me do it. I wan’t running for President he was. Ask him, he knows exactly what he wanted. We helped. So, Peter Kenneth. First of all, what the fuck is wrong with him? Is he blind or something? Peter, open your eyes, we like what you have done in Gatanga, but now, you need to look at the bigger picture. We need you to become President. First of all, if I was a girl, my boobs would be hot for Peter Kenneth, so you know we can have a good looking president, and he is smart, so whatever he is doing, someone needs to find him, kick him in the nuts like Kalonzo would. Peter, stop staring at me, what the fuck is wrong with you, go find Obama’s spin doctor, let us find you the money, and we will make you President. We don’t need someone like you. We need you. Its not about you being from the slopes either. Fuck that, thats just shit Raila and them made up, its about you being smart. Get to work dude.
April 12, 2011
10:40
This is Kenya
» ‎ Kahenya

I like rap, I like Jay Z and when he “reunited” with Nas after that funny beef they had, everyone was excited, but it was all an act. One big act. That they pulled off quite well. That was the way I saw it, and nobody try convince me otherwise. I like that version best. But that can’t be said for Ruto and Uhuru. Everytime I watched TV during the Post Election Violence, and for the number of people that got killed, that relationship was not going to happen. This is not a rap empire they are building, its not a rap cd with concerts to follow, this is our home, where we buried over 1,000 people, where people wives and daughters got raped, where children were lost for families, where a lifetime of someone’s sweat was taken from them, burnt, and pillaged. This is what Hagar the terrible would be proud of, but this isn’t a comic strip. This is real life. Leaving the future of Kenya in the hands of the current breed of politicians would be one of the most insulting things we would do to the IDPs, the homeless, the raped and the dead. We are supposed to be developing, not politicking, we are supposed to be building, not cutting deals. Uhuru and Ruto and the others are suspects, criminal suspects, accused of crimes against humanity. How does that translate to a home coming? A rally? All the Kenyans out there who attended, looking for hope in the hands of suspected criminals? How did it get here? Are we so blind and stupid that the only thing we have left is the word of suspected killers? Every human being, including Agnostics, Pagans and Atheists need something to believe in, its called hope. And when you go to church, its hope they sell, your relationship with God, thats you and him, but the church sells hope. And these are the same churches that were putting hands and “anointing” the suspects, praying for them. Praying for what? That they may escape this fight for their lives? And Kibaki is a smart man, and he has perfected selling delusion to our Kenyan politicians, I look at what he did to Martha, who fought for him very much, and how they played her in the end. I’m not saying she was right or wrong, or he was right or wrong, but the reality is, he has managed to delude the politicians so well, they believe their own stories, and invent more.

I applaud Nation Media Group for the stand they have made, in focussing more on healing and less on politics. The Kenyan government can threaten the online community, but try silence this crowd and the war that would ensue would humiliate them. That time to be concious of our actions is now, the place, right here, but we need to cease this madness that has swept Kenya with such euphoria, you would think Jesus Himself has arrived. To the clergy, the National Council Of Churches of Kenya, thanks for making me believe less in Church. By being partisan in anyway to this travesty, you have shown Kenyans exactly what kind of monster you are. I had many doubts about what our churches were about, but this, this was the icing on the cake. The NCCK is a bunch of hypocrites, who follow the wind, and not whats right, who don’t have the stones to turn down politicians because of the benefits, be it in political favour, or financial favour. We are not stupid, or blind, we see right right though you.

And for Kalonzo, well, shameless person who actively spent money trying to get this whole story killed in the first place, who decided to turn up in the middle of the road rally and force himself in, shame on you, calling yourself born again, how many honestly born again people stand hand in hand with suspected criminals and worse try get the whole story quashed? This is not time for opportunism, not time for adventure, as a Vice President, you have more responsibilities to the people, not to politicians, and you have failed, and that, my Vice President, makes you a liar, which makes me wonder whether you are politically born again, or just saying what the Christian voters need to here. Well, there are Muslims, Buddhists and other religions including the same devout Christians who see through your moustache and suits and fake smile. If you had said no, and spent that money on IDPs, you would have gotten a whole lot of respect from Kenyans, but you have none. Get a life man.

So, thats where we are, and this is where we are beginning, elections are around the corner, and if Kenyans are missing this, believing that this suspects are their hope, then whats the point of being here in the first place. Its time to find a new bunch of faces, whose agenda is healing not politicking, I don’t even think Martha is it, she has been part of the system, and old habits really die hard. Time for a new story, and we need to unite and make it, exclude those with other agendas.
April 06, 2011
22:59
A Parallel Universe
» ‎ Kahenya

I can now understand why my buddy Coldtusker is pissed off with Orange. I thought he was overreacting but now, with apologies I quite get what he meant. And Nik warned me about the same shit, and now, I have reached breaking point, where all patience has worn out. Here is the story.

Last night, I was chatting with Mumbi and Wanjiku and I was feeling a lot bad cause I was blank on anything to blog about, and its true, the new developments in my work life have temporarily left me blank. So as we were chatting, Orange decided my Weekly bundle would expire 20 hours before schedule. Not the first time, or the second, or even the third, the fourth fucking time. I imagined I had travelled to a parallel world, and the best way to describe this world is through a TV show that each and every one of you poor saps watched when you were young, called, No One But You, and in this one, the Hero Antonio, was portrayed by Michael Joseph, the chick in the midst of this, Racquel, was dramatized by Bishop Margaret and the evil man in this one Max, was by Ghossein. Look, that’s how fucked up I felt. In one week, I have lost a TV, house has flooded, my feet ache, got new enemies, I’m wiped out and its only Wednesday, have an edition to spring and this assholes have the audacity to pull this pile of manure. So where am I to go at half past midnight to get a voucher to top up and buy a bundle? I wish Orange would answer that one, and the one of, why the fuck can’t they fix their billing issues? Its a problem, I’m sure many people have complained. They keep saying its fixed but that shit has happened today to some buddy of mine as well, and he is Somali, and in his parallel world, I’m sure he is not the pirate or the terrorist but every Frenchie he runs into will easily change status from tourist to victim. That’s how he might feel. He is Somali, and you know how they react to hostilities against them. But here is what is worse, the support staff are even more lost, worse than that time Lucy shot Jimmy in the foot and had to find her wig, called Crown-Berger to come weld her face back on, had to find more bullets and medication in one sitting. And wished she could slap the fuck out Muthaura and any journalist who had the balls to come and ask if that was her real hair, her real face and if she was the one and only tugging at Emilio’s heart. And fuck it, Emilio had to get on top of that for how many years? That takes a real man. Fuck all you “I’m a black ass nigga” dudes, Emilio has been using Lucy services since 1962. Before independence. That’s a real nigga. Thank God he can’t hop on and off anymore, fuck, that shit would haunt me in eternity. And all my friends and enemies and the host angels and everyone there would take piss at me every 2 minutes. Fuck that. Back to this. I mean, how is someone going to call me on my cellphone, ask if its me, and then ask what my contact number is? Jesus, forgive my pissed off status, but WTF? And then ask me to describe this little story for the next 10 minutes because the support stuff basically suck thumbs instead of writing notes, since noone can seem to find my fault report. My nuts stared at me as I contemplated masturbating and said, kuwa serious. This is a fucked up night. We are not in the mood. Smoke something instead. And then, on top of that ask me what I want them to do. I don’t know, maybe go herd sheep and paint them Orange and declare it an ODM failed marketing plan. I mean this guys put Kalonzo and Waititu and even Charity to shame when it comes to combined stupidity. Yes, I said it, fucking stupidity. I work hard, or atleast try to, I get some bread and spread the love to other suppliers, not just Orange, I mean, there is Peddlers Inc, Media Temple, my bloody Landlord, KPLC, Caltex and their fake gas, EABL, whoever makes Omena, Nairobi Water, and a bunch of other people and some deliver, some don’t.

Here is a reality check that even portability can’t fix. Orange is at the bottom of the pack, being trumped in business by companies with less infrastructure and less money, and someone wants to say that this is peak performance? Manure!!! Now, in this same parallel universe, I came to learnt that Orange does not store enough supervisors to herd the sheep and write reports and speak to irate customers, like me, cause unless we are in bed or on the couch, or on a table, or in the back seat of a Subaru, and its going down, I will not easily use four five letter words on a woman, irregardless of how bad this shit is. I walk away, won’t even bother. Its just not in my nature. Have two balls, different story, cause my two balls turn sadistic and advice me to do bad things to your two balls. And short of kicking them and pinching them with a pair of pliers, I will go all out. So what is wrong with Orange? A nice lady colleague asked me this today, and here it is. They have the internet sort of working well, can beat Safaricom if they want to, in terms of speed and reliability. They have decent coverage, unlike Airtel, which does not work when I am on the throne, at the doctor’s, masturbating, in the village, outside, inside, basically anywhere. I’m not quite sure what they mean by strongest network, I think their network needs viagra and with the vibe thats floating about them being unable to cover their debts, I think they need the Palm of Budda, and some Juju from one of those TZ doctors who can even fix erectile dysfunction, who, Emilio prays Lucy does not contact, wait, their network needs the juju doctor, management needs to be overhauled, and I mean every single person in the “C” class, starting with number 1. Whatever plans they have, that shit ain’t working, first of all where is 3G? I swear, Yu will make billions and launch 3G before Airtel pull the cork from their cracks and let all the bad shit go. Back to Orange, they have a good enough network, they have the money (I think), they have enough people to solicit and Ghossein is still playing the voice call game. That they will be profitable around 2013 or 2014. Never going to happen, if they become profitable, I bet you that they consulted with the PM on which Joburg cemeteries work for emergency situations, with the Bishop’s help. Orange needs to get rid of whats his name and everyone else who has their tongue up his asshole because that shit is not working. Excellent, 4,000 km of fibre laid across the country. That means jack shit to me right now, because clearly, no way in hell that fibre came to my house. Launching new products when the ones they have are clearly failing. I mean what was Orange France thinking? You know some Frenchie dude must have had it in for Ghossein and decided to send his ass back to 3rd world to make sure whatever atrocities he had commited, he got paid back in full. In short, Orange, socks up, stop fucking around. And CCK…. saved for another day.
March 22, 2011
9:41
A story that happened
» ‎ Kahenya

Well,

Interesting story happened a few hours ago and I’ve honestly been trying to get to terms with it, so I will start from the top.

A few months ago, we started Simple Motion (www.simple.co.ke) and have worked tirelessly to the bone to improve it. Day after day we have been ironing out small kinks and bugs and trying to get everything to work right and we are not experts and to be honest, it felt like another false start, but two important things happened that have changed everything. We covered the Uganda Election and we nearly killed ourselves and the site trying to cover the Libya Revolution Story. We were not ready for what happened and we had completely undermined the real expectations. Anyway, during the Uganda elections, a guy I will call Jack from a very big communication company wrote to me an email saying that he liked what I was doing and was hoping that he could take us to the next level by us becoming part of a bigger family that would grant us access to far greater resources and reach. I was not quite keen on that plan as it meant (Man, Erik is going to kill me) giving up a lot of values that we were not keen on and the timing was all wrong and stuff. Anyway, we have been having a long conversation back and forth and Jack involved another couple of his buddies from all sorts of tech blogs from the rest of the world, you know, the big ass deals, to try show me the best way forward and sweet talk me etc. I’m notoriously stubborn and I have basically spurned any advances towards Simple Motion, but we have seen our numbers improve but more important, we have seen the feedback improve and this has helped us improve the service. But thats not everything. So as we were sending emails back and forth and I was improving the service, one of Jack’s friend mentioned that I should start writing for some of the big online blogs in America. They were talking about a couple of stories I had written

EA leads the way in Internet shopping, via mobile phone

and

Apple’s Snow Leopard is cool, but friendlier Windows 7 cleans up

Anyway, I figured that we were talking too much and doing too little so I had only very little focus on this. Anyway, last week, Jack went ahead and shared some of my articles with people I don’t really know and I started talking with some editors, and filled out some forms and as of this morning, I now am a Tech Writer for African Stories for Technorati. Initially I thought it was one of those hoaxes or that Technorati has kinda lost the edge and were scraping the barrel (I hope they don’t see that it) cause it was a bit hard to believe that I had actually done something and got it, but then it somehow has proven to work out in a bizarre way.

Now, it might not be much and I am one of many thousands and I have very very few details, but to me, its a huge step, it has given me a greater audience to start writing about African Startups, News, Culture etc to a whole new global audience. I’m not quite sure where we go to next, I am actually still a bit stunned that this has happened, but one thing I hope to see is a whole lot more people aggregating their blogs on Simple Motion which I will be using as my primary source of information, since I practically live there drooling on news and blogs and playing with maps. I had not quite imagined it was going this far this fast, but we are here. Thanks to everyone that made this happen, my team and my new Technorati family and friends.

:)
March 13, 2011
16:49
Liars - The Gotissuez Special
» ‎ Kahenya

Starting a business is a notorious thing. Its tough and its rough and I understand when people...
February 24, 2011
7:11
Mututho Nomenclature
» ‎ Kahenya

Ututho: The act of refusing to buy someone beerUtuthoism: The act of drinking Tuthana: Buying beer...
February 13, 2011
19:33
Not a gava life
» ‎ Kahenya

Disclaimer: For the people with sensitivity issues, get Sensodyne. And get a fucking sense of...
February 08, 2011
7:54
The River Of Revolution
» ‎ Kahenya

The other day (Friday), I sat down with my very good friend Charles to discuss the whole Egypt saga,...
January 28, 2011
6:41
Why the revolution is coming.
» ‎ Kahenya

Everytime I run into this girl I used to like but never had a chance with, like today, my head seems...
January 20, 2011
18:25
How to "get rid" of Jehovah Witness dudes
» ‎ Kahenya

Disclaimer: I don’t even know what to write here. If you take this personally, like that...
January 17, 2011
14:24
Revolutions
» ‎ Kahenya

Zine El Abidine Ben Ali has created a new revolution. In the month he struggled to remain relevant,...
January 12, 2011
14:57
#d7ra Drupal 7 Release Animation Rotterdam
» ‎ Kahenya

#d7ra Drupal 7 Release Animation Rotterdam
14:45
Kenya Police Website Hacked - My quick chat with Larry Madowo of...
» ‎ Kahenya

Kenya Police Website Hacked - My quick chat with Larry Madowo of NTV Kenya
January 05, 2011
15:45
Two Devices One Person
» ‎ Kahenya

I recently remember Bob Collymore talking about our “peculiar” habits of owning two or...
13:43
VoIP is redundant but successful
» ‎ Kahenya

Note: For the younger geeks who hit the net after 2000, you may take talking on the phone and...
11:50
Lessons in privacy
» ‎ Kahenya

So 6969 the lottery was under all sorts of issues, for possible fraud, tax evasion and God knows...
January 03, 2011
15:46
The Big Mpesa plan
» ‎ Kahenya

So Michael Joseph is gone. Goodbye. And I miss him. He is a really nice guy. I think he must be one...
December 31, 2010
1:13
Sharing is necessary
» ‎ Kahenya

When you are in the village, and you hear someone has invented a new way to milk a camel, the word...
December 29, 2010
22:03
The bigger picture
» ‎ Kahenya

This Raila Kibaki bullshit, trumped by this Gbagbo sheet, which is turn trumped by the Zimbabwe...

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