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Media Madness

April 04, 2012
10:54
Nuggets …
» ‎ Media Madness

Nuggets is also a classy way of referring to shit.

Copy-editors are very important people in publishing houses, but in Kenya, some of them are busy drowning ndaos in chai and chasing after ass because the shit that goes through our print is ridiculous. Last week, an article about Joe Thomas was in Zuqka, let us not focus on the fact that Njeri Muchai is an intern, BUT how the badly written piece was allowed to make the dailies is a mystery. Copy editors are supposed to check grammar, punctuations, and make sure the text is accurate, so that it says what it’s meant to say. But they’re not doing their jobs, when I was growing up (Yesterday) our parents used to hand us newspapers and other books to improve our grammar, these days, they’d rather chew on bras than let their children read newspapers. The content is shit, and the grammar is shittier.

Looking through this month’s True Love, it’s clear that their copy-editor was busy having tea with Margaret Nyaguthii – McKnight cause they MADE A GRAVE mistake in one of the stories.

The story (Page 52, 53) is about a lady who lost the love of her life Anthony, but the good Lord saw her through her trials and she’s now married to a man called DAVID. BUT THE PHOTO on the story refers to DAVID as Anthony (the one who died) Yep! Turn around and slap your copy-editor Carol Mandi (Ama it’s you? I hear you’re multi-tasking sana siku hizi)

This mistake will cost them forever!!

Remember Janice? She was on Capital in the morning for a hot second. No? Okay. We’re happy to announce that she’s now pregnant, she’s no longer on air after the few Kenyans who listen to Capital Fm gave her a red card for several on air mistakes, the best one … calling an ‘Underscore’ a lower Hyphen. I’m sure she’s going to be a good mother; she’s fluent in baby talk.

On a light note, KWS needs to come and rescue us from the menace that is the folks who identify with GEMA and KAMATUSA. Don’t these folks have trees to swing from?
March 26, 2012
9:50
Homeboyz wana shida na si ya suruali
» ‎ Media Madness

Homeboyz entertainment is on fire and it seems no one can put off their fire. Homeboyz entertainment is fighting off a potential lawsuit after they fucked up a brewer by failing to bring an artist in for a major concert last year.

They’re also being audited by a local telecom ‘cause of a few suspect things they did when they were managing the telco’s events across the country. They’ve been placed on an international promoter blacklist for failing to honor contracts with artists and false bookings of American artists … teren.

Their water company is also NOT doing so good either (That was the shadiest business crossover EVER)

Now, let us focus on Homeboyz Radio, apart from them leaking staff like a faulty tap in Umoja, it seems the station might go off air soon, FOREVER.

The Rabar boys got into a deal with Henry Otiende a few years back for the Homeboyz Frequency 91.5, the Rabar boys then got smart and kicked out Henry from the partnership although he was the one who had brought the frequency to the mix, the frequency was not Henry’s, but it’s owned by a former PS in the information ministry, Henry is just his proxy.

In 2010, Henry came calling and he DEMANDED ‘His’ frequency back, the Rabar’s ignored him ‘cause they felt there was NO WAY their station and its popularity would go off air, too bad popularity is not a currency because Henry did manage to snatch their frequency early this year. They had to quickly move to 91.1 and basically killed off Uptown Radio, a reggae station, well their shidas just started, the person that owns the 91.1 frequency gave them 60 days to ‘VACATE’ his frequency.

Mike Rabar realized that shit was about to hit the fan and he went down on his knees and crawled to Radio Africa for help. They wanted to BUY off Homeboyz Radio and dominate the youth market but Rabar refused, so they reached a deal, they are going to lease the 103.5 to Homeboyz Radio. Right now, HOmeboyz is on 91.1 and 103.5, they will be on 103.5 ONLY from next month.

Now, let me be a bitch, we need Relax Fm back, Homeboyz can fuck off, they made their shitty bed, they should lie on it. Relax Fm was a good station to listen to especially when in the house. Please email james.njoroge@radioafricagroup.com and ask him to BRING BACK RELAX FM.
March 20, 2012
11:24
A seat for Walter …
» ‎ Media Madness

I’d like to take Walter Mongare to the cleaners

First off, he was given a mention on Buzz (which is a total waste trees btw) it was predictable he’d get to be on Buzz to spread his shiet philosophies after he made two appearances on izvipi.com a website owned by the stand-in editor at Buzz

Moving on, Walter thinks he’s the messiah KBC has been waiting for. For a political appointee the dude is clearly living in his own world, Bitange Ndemo(Yes, him) pushed to have Walter hired into KBC, I won’t even go into his schooling, that’s no longer relevant. Dude, has NO RADIO experience, for years, he was a puppet on a well-choreographed show on Kiss Fm. He LEARNT NOTHING!!!

Now he says he’s bringing professionalism to KBC, when he was at Kiss, he used to THREATEN TO QUIT every gawddamn time if he didn’t get a salary increment, is that the professional values he’s bringing to KBC?? GTFO!

KBC doesn’t need you and your stupid ideas (Venus FM) My gawd! I don’t know where to start with this, if you’re going to go Niche, at least do some research … you came up with a product that’s so flawed, women are laughing at you, not with you.

Muchene Round-up

Radio Jambo is about to be taken to court for defaming a research company after their presenters got a bit ambitious and announced on EMAIL that their breakfast show was NUMBER one and he wanted the people on email to know this fact before the people who cook ‘numbers’ (In this case the said research firm) released their data.

The email was sent to hundreds of people on an email list and the research firm is not happy. They’re about to hand Radio Jambo a BIIIIIG piece of Ugali and maji for them to bonda

Remember that story about Tuju’s wife … well … IT’S TRUE … I’ll share the details, once I find a village to hibernate to.
March 14, 2012
8:30
Shedding off zee fat!
» ‎ Media Madness

I guess no one here has ever been obese (I wouldn’t know) but from what I see and hear on OLD Oprah shows. It’s not an easy task, friction burns, you can’t walk fast enough, you can’t fit in those lovely dresses and you’re always grumpy.

Well, Radio Africa now knows how it feels to be obese, their pace up the ladder became LONG AND SLOW and so a few weeks back, Patrick decided as he rested his feet on an expensive Persian rug that he was done working with an obese organization but he would still keep Kalekye.

So from Monday pink slips have been flying all over Radio Africa, with the sales team and production taking the hit, some radio personalities are also going to be told to tembea na yesu and one lady Tina Kagia clearly saw this coming and she decided to quit and leave with her boring ass self in one piece.

Why is Radio Africa shedding off the fat? Well, they got a bit over ambitious with the expansion thing; they wanted to dominate EVERY SEGMENT ever created in Kenya. The youth segment is theirs, they tried to go after the AB market (The rish, refined bishes of the society) but they’ve failed and that failure sits on 105.5 X Fm. Radio Jambo and East Fm enjoy relative success, but X Fm, Relax and Kiss TV are bleeding money like they’re on their periods and it’s straining the group’s kibeti.

Because of the fragmentation in the market, some of the stations are finding it hard to get a share of the advertising pie. I mean, why go to X Fm, while you can appeal to their audience on a proven platform (Capital) or you can go to Homeboyz and still appeal to the same folks (but larger audience)?
March 13, 2012
10:39
Cock-block the silly season
» ‎ Media Madness

For the last three days, three people have managed to keep their names in the headlines. Raila, Ruto and Uhuru are having a ‘Mine is bigger’ moment and it’s playing out in the media.

On Sunday night, a show on Kameme Fm hosted by a chap called Gatonye wa Mbugua decided to discuss the Prime Minister and his many many shortcomings, at one point Uhuru Kenyatta called into the show. The discussion took a tragic turn when one of the guests in studio called the prime minister an enemy to the Kikuyu community ‘cause of his ‘Double speak’ brought on by his ‘Five mouths’ . On Social media, one of the CHAPS on the station doesn’t waste time telling us which camp he eats from.

Let me not repeat everything they said, but you get the drift. Uhuru Kenyatta has relations to MediaMax and he (or his people) are already using MediaMax to ‘waste’ their opponents. Kameme is very popular in Central, for folks who CONSUME nothing but Kameme Fm, will they ever ever respect the PM? NO! They know he’s a monster that’s destroying ‘their people’

Where the fuck is Mzalendo Kibunja?? Politicians are going HAM on each other and he’s busy talking about ‘Burrogs and the social media’ when the ICC topics were all over the damn place in January, MM had to shut down for a few weeks ‘cause someone told us our website was being monitored for hate speech. Yeah, because we have a larger audience than the vernacular radio stations.

We’re only in March and this shit is already on gear number 2, because we can’t track everything … MM is adding one page to the website. We’re calling the page ‘Speech Tracker’ if you stumble upon any talk show that is obviously crossing the lines with its discussions, please tell us (and the rest of the community) on that page. We’ll then email CCK and Kibunja’s people (and pray they take action) if you’d like to email any clips, the email is info@mm.co.ke

Shame on you Kameme Fm.
March 07, 2012
8:47
Pens for hire …
» ‎ Media Madness

Before I start, let us look at two screenshots from Mwai Kibaki’s Parody account on Twitter.

It’s a fact, some (not all) journalists are paid by politicians to have their names off/on stories or have news of their rival’s shortcoming’s spread across double pages.

These days, politicians are becoming smart, they’re using the weekly columnists to ‘waste’ their opponents and also have their asses kissed to pink heaven.

Now let us focus on the loudest of them all, it used to be Miguna Miguna, but now he’s not in the circle jerk that is the PM’s office, he’s concentrating on other things, like releasing a book that will shake the political scene, yeah, as if we haven’t heard that story before.

Sarah Elderkin USED to be a respected journalist, back in the day, when folks like Hillary Ngweno owned the Weekly Review, an amazing publication that didn’t waste time telling off the establishment. But Sarah got involved with the Odinga’s in the 90’s and that’s where her ‘Amazing journalism skills’ were replaced with ‘Amazing brown nosing skills’

She was on Raila’s 2007 communication team, she has a weekly column in the Star and my friends, she’s using it a rag to wipe off any ninja who DARES CROSS THE HOLDY GROUND Raila walks on.

Question is, why is the Star allowing her to use the column they’ve given her for one sides and creative ( chick knows how to throw a barb) name calling? Fine, it’s her opinion, but DOES that opinion fit within a paper that’s trying to be neutral? Is the Star even neutral, word across town is that they’re already aligned with a certain politician (Notice, no names mentioned, be smart, maliza the puzzle)

Every article is about why Raila is a victim and he deserves the presidency, her column should be changed to ‘This week from the PM’s office’. Her head is so up his ass, she can taste his eye drops.

For people like me and you, it’s easy to see this bullshit, but what happens when a chap who is obsessed with Rao in Luo Nyanza reads the piece she’s written and had accused Jeff Koinange (and Uhuru Kenyatta) of using K24 to smear Raila? How will that chap look at K24, Uhuru, Jeff and Kikuyus? You get my drift?

Is she the only one? NOPE … help us mulika these fools who are publishing their shiet opinions and poisoning the Kenyan public with propaganda.
March 05, 2012
6:53
Balls of steel
» ‎ Media Madness

Ahmednasir Abdullahi has balls, balls of steel. Remember him when the JSC was vetting folks for the DCJ and CJ position? The guy made everyone his bitch, he was RUTHLESS, he doesn’t give a fuck about who you are and what you do, he treats all mortals the same.

His arrogance (which is mad sexxay btw) has been passed on to his magazine, the Nairobi Law Monthly, as other magazines focus on ‘At Home with Ann Waitherero – Smith’, his magazine offers the BEST commentary for a local magazine and once in a while, it throws in a spanner into Kenyan politics.

This month, they are knocking on Jonathan Moi’s hustle. They claim or rather Julie Ward father’s claims that Jonathan raped and killed Julie Ward, such a terrible crime, if he’s the one that’s did it.

Will this story be picked up by the mainstream news outlets?? NEVER

Read the whole story here, it’s a looooong story, so get your Okombe of Chai ama kahawa grade 1, get reading and share your thoughts, I suspect some of you were already working when this shit was going down LOL.
March 02, 2012
8:40
The Cesspool that is the Sub-Standard … Standard Group.
» ‎ Media Madness

Pride, Commitment and Teamwork are the key words that KTN use to reel people in to work for low pay. It’s amazing how KTN manage to put paper over the cracks regarding matters of poor pay and demon possessed bosses. The payroll recently released was old, but I can swear on my mother’s left tit, Kalamba ; that most of those numbers have increased by about 500-1200.50 (hio fifty cent ni ya patco mwitu). But FOCUS! Today, the spot light is on one HR manager, a pretty face on a beach-whale body dressed like a back alley waitress, with the heart of the most wicked wizard in Kisii. This woman mainly heads the department of Nepotism at KTN and does a ka-side job of Legal Director, head of H.R and Admin.

She once hired her brother in law, smart as a ding’oing’os scrotum that one. His employment was short lived as he was caught stealing a printing press and tapes from his heist right about the time they were moving from I&M to Mombasa Road. This kind of behavior is as a result of watching too much of Daniela Omnibus and Saath Saath- that shit makes you need jumper cable leads on your skull.

Next she hired her nephew Mike. I’m always amazed by his astronomic head…every time he walks in the sunlight I’m on the lookout for UFOs; the sunlight that hits that surface definitely sends light signals to outer space. Where was I? Yes…hired him back to KTN after he was fired in the first place for being a pen pusher…he put the K in Kwality. When Aunty was promoted, she brought him back in as Head of Production. He has since used his ‘Power’ to the best of his ability by firing anyone he wants by running to his aunt.

Not too long ago, there was a radio girl who was supposed to host the Tukuza show on Sunday. She went through everything from rehearsals to purchasing clothes from House of Toi Couture – Inama na Ukoroge Section, and then got sacked two days to the show. She later appeared after three months and got re-hired into a different department. Her dismissal and re-hiring remain a mystery; like Ann Kiguta’s natural hair. I hear Frasha was also fired the same way….speculation is that he was singing ‘Ino ni Momo’ too loudly along the corridors…the things these big relationships do to you.

Basically, when you sign up to work for KTN, you’re no different from that virgin boy who has fungad a skinny ass chic in the dark and is playing with her chin thinking it’s her nipple….wait…does that make sense? Never mind me…and no, this is not a testimony…errrm…someone told me. Where were we? Working for KTN is like throwing pearls to pigs, it’s a thankless job.

Mali was originally supposed to air on KTN. What happened was Mike loved the pitch but asked for 50K per week out of the 250K the producer was to be paid. The producer instead took it to NTV who offered her 300K a week and wasn’t unscrupulous enough to ask her for a cut…and that, my friends is how Mali ended up on NTV. Philip Bresson producer of Changing Times and Mheshimiwa pays Mike a visit almost every week to drop that 50K for each of his shows to air. Yafesi also of Briefcase Inc. does the same…do that mental arithmetic or alternatively put your fingers to your lips and count how much this ninja is making.

At some point, all the correspondents in the editorial department were fired because KTN couldn’t pay them 15K a month. They just got there one morning and poof! They were out of jobs. They are now suing the company for being used and for wrongful termination. Kaz suffered late checks when she was doing the Kwachu mamili; she was doing anything but kwachu-ing…but I thank whatever good graces there may be that she didn’t bare her ‘Paka Power’ to protest.

At KTN, don’t underestimate your abilities, the lady at HR and her minions will do it for you. People can’t wait for her to leave, kick the basin or slip into something more comfortable- like a coma…such are blissful wishes you get when you treat your employees like trash. I guess it’s true what they say- Some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go.

SATAN
7:00
Air brushed marriages!
» ‎ Media Madness

Every time you open up True Love or Drum Magazine, you’re hit by amazing images of women, leaning on their banisters, holding a cute mag from Luminarc enjoying their beautiful life, in this woman’s life, problems are ‘Overcome’ scents like Lavender soothe them to sleep as they lie on bed sheets spun from the finest linen. Their husbands are just perfect, you will see a photo of her and hubby holding each other, telling you, if you don’t hold your man like this, you ain’t shit.

You will see this perfect family enjoying OJ in their manicured garden, the woman will talk about how she waters her hydrangeas in the morning just before she walks her kids to the bus stop, just to remind you she lives in the suburbs, where kids are picked from designated bus stops in yellow buses.

Look at this October issue of Drum magazine! My goodness, can you SMELL THE LOVE on that cover?!!!

Doesn’t it make you wanna go and tell Njoroge plus his small dick that you will love them forever??!!

Now read the story HERE MY GAWD!! FUCK IT!! I want to get married now …

Wait wait wait … I was about to go and get my ratchet ass married and someone slipped THIS LINK into my inbox. All this is FOR SHOW! Fucking perfect my ass!! Our magazines are just selling us pretentious shit to the power of a million!

Tuonane Monday, as I go and recover from this shit, how can you cheat on your moneyed man with a man who is practically JOBLESS!?!! Fine, it’s allegedly, but still, iCan’t with this life, sista needs an intervention!
March 01, 2012
9:22
Wamegoma …
» ‎ Media Madness

So the folks at KBC got tired of sitting around doing nothing and they went on strike! This shit is hilarious; their head of news was the one anchoring the 7pm news. Dude looked he’s seen two men kissing, the disgust and anger was evident on his face! He was even slouching at some point.

Before we go on, I will offend you, if you work at KBC.

KBC is a loss making unit. KBC’s mandate is to be the PUBLIC broadcaster, but years of shit management made it the official government bullhorn and most of the folks hired at KBC were hired based on how deep their cunts were or where they came from and who they knew. They came and settled in and were okay with the shit going on. NO one ever raised a finger, until Wachira Waruru came along, the dude straight up told the then Assistant Minister for information Koigi Manywele that if he wanted to use KBC as a government mouthpiece, he’d have to PAY UP! Wachira didn’t last at KBC.

None of you fucks raised a finger, cause the ONE man that made you SWEAT for your peanuts was finally out of your hair. KBC’s turnaround was evident, then David checked in, he and Waithera stuffed enough dollars into their bras (David, get rid of those moobs, please) and they took KBC back to the old broke days.

Question is who should be funding KBC? US! The taxpayers should foot the bill. The BBC is funded by the TV license fees collected from each household, that’s what we need if we really need a public broadcaster, but then again, DO WE NEED A PUBLIC BROADCASTER? ‘Cause I’ll be honest, they missed the ‘Inform the public in a neutral manner’ boat way, way back, they sound like any other media outlet, leaning to a side.

What’s the role of a public broadcaster in a country run by egomaniacs?

Back to the workers, WHY SHOULD YOU GET A 500% pay increase?? What have you done for KBC in the last 3 weeks? Why do you want to get paid more if you’re not doing MORE?

I hope KBC re-structures and fires at least 50% of the staff (And Nyambane and his ego) they’re too many people up in that bish (starting with the hundreds of artists WTF?)
February 28, 2012
7:35
About that eviction …
» ‎ Media Madness

So you’ve heard about Eugene Wamalwa getting evicted from his house in Kileleshwa … well, what happened next just proves how THICK some of us in Kenya are

*Vuta Stool*

*Random Fact* Eugene and Nancy Baraza owned a law firm together, it no longer exists.

So on Saturday, the 25^th of February, Eugene got all his mali into trucks and they made their way to a beautiful piece of property in Lower Kabete (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH WANGIGE, PRISS] after being evicted from his house in Kile, he was moving on up to the PROPER burbs, when he got there, he FOUND some young ladies in ‘HIS’ house, he didn’t understand why they were in ‘his’ house. There was kidogo drama and he left, with his trucks.

Now, what happened? See, Eugene THINKS he’s going to be my president, he’s sold himself as the next president and an old man from his shags has bought this story, hook, line and sinker! So this old man, in his efforts to align himself with the republic’s next president, he decided to gift him a HOUSE after he heard the shidas the next president was going through. The house he was gifting Eugene is NOT entirely his, he co-owns the house with his wife!!

When he was gifting Eugene the house, he kinda forgot that HIS own daughters LIVED in that HOUSE!! WTF?! A father, in his efforts to align himself with a pedestrian politician was ready to evict his own daughters from their own house! It’s stupid season y’all and Eugene was ready to take on the ‘offer’ this is how corruption starts, you do me favours and when I get into power, I will hand you all the damn projects! Who FUNDS our politicians? That would be a good start to end corruption in the next regime!

There is now a court case, the lovely ladies who live in the house Eugene was about to move into have moved to court to have their father STOPPED from gifting their property to politicians.

Back to Eugene, baba, you’re hanging out with akina Uhuru and Ruto and you’re broke? Daddy, kuwa mjanja, MILK this chance, don’t try to keep up with them, utasota! Well, usha sota
February 27, 2012
9:15
The Shareman is playing politics
» ‎ Media Madness

So you’ve all seen SK Macharia all over Citizen TV in the last couple of weeks.

He’s pulling a Moi on everyone, he visits a friend, it’s on prime time news, he takes a dump, it’s a news item on radio. WHY??? Well, murmurs on the maize plantations in Gathanga is that the good ooold shareman is running for ‘gavana’ … some even say his wife could be the one running for ‘Gavana’ but I won’t believe it until they start showing her going for ‘Mushemanio’ or shaking what the good Lord didn’t give at a ‘Kamweretho’

Back to SK, he’s using the largest media platform in the region to launch a political career; Kalonzo Musyoka and George Saitoti have been seen several times in his Gathanga home. He has a head start against any opponent; he can use his media house to TEAR down his rivals, he has tons of airtime to blow on both radio and TV. Now is this ethical?? FUCK NO!

He controls a large media platform that equals to manipulating thousands! If he was a media owner who is for the fair and balanced reporting media owners bitch about every day, he would stay away from politics! If Macharia a media owner can use his own systems to manipulate his audience, what’s preventing his reporters and editors from taking bribes to slot in politician’s X agenda into the news???

The rot in our media institution starts at the FUCKING TOP! The fucking top

ION, I’m waking up to news of Eugene Wamalwa getting his ass evicted from his house for not sending ‘em cheques to his landlord. (Not sure when it happened, I need to get a confirmation). First of all, how are you an MP and you’re paying rent???? You take a lion share of my taxes (Roll your eyes all you want, I’m a tax payer, there’s duty on Condoms and alcohol) for a freaking mortgage!! I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a broke president, naaaaah sir!
February 23, 2012
7:23
Remembering Michuki
» ‎ Media Madness

The last time I was here, I was smacking folks for saying Michuki is dead. A day later, he passed on. Away from that, how will the media remember Michuki?

So far, they have all been civil, especially KTN, they have exercised restraint. Maybe in their weekend editions, but I wanna throw a spanner in the works. I know, I might be shot for saying this, but Michuki did the right thing in ’07 by banning live broadcasts on radio and TV.

He had initially asked the PS to have everything SHUT DOWN! But the PS argued a complete shutdown would have been a bad move, and so they settled for a ban on live broadcasts. Looking back, if chaps like Sang were allowed to go on air live, we’d been FUCKED! All politicians were ready to call for war and remember, they have media houses in their pockets, this country would have been torn apart.

The other thing the media will NEVER forget about Michuki is the raid he ordered on KTN. Sawa, they were about to link the highest office in the land to drug trafficking, but a raid with the help of idiots who could barely piece together sense was an awful idea. His brutality as a DC came back FULL FORCE on this one.

I’ll stop there, RIP Michuki, I hope you’re prancing the heavens waving a stick at the Angels.
February 21, 2012
10:57
I’m first … and better than you!!! Ma-Fakas!
» ‎ Media Madness

Ha! If you came here cause of the title… you will be disappointed. The title is me being a bitch and showing off my amazing bait and hook techniques.

We all want to be number one in life (Except when you’re cumming, don’t cum first, last is best) look around, you want to be best employee, the prettiest bitch up in this bitch! The list is endless.

When it comes to Social Media, we all want the number one post so bad. We want to be the funniest chap. Re-Tweets with ‘Haha’ #dead ingia your head and build a castle! Some want to be ones handing out seats (I might be in trouble for caning our own) anyway, you get the drift, social media is a hot mess for narcissism.

You go on Facebook and folks showing off their perfect lives, their toothless puddle of droll … I mean joy, their best duck faces and for some dudes, their specs … abs.

Even on blogs we tell you how good our lives are, I’ll tell you how good my hair (It really is) some will talk about their ‘Brand new’ Audi A4s. Just to remind you, I’m better than you, you scum of the earth.

On Twitter, you will see them lecturing people from their golden seats about overlapping Lorries and bad grammar.

So what’s the point??? This is Media Madness? Not Wamathai.com!

Let me get to it, narcissism takes a dangerous turn, when it’s mixed with journalism (Community & Traditional) Here, everyone is fighting for the spotlight. This is where the battle for being number one takes a new turn, breaking news!

You want to ALWAYS be the one breaking stories, you’re willing to stop wanking just to tweet BREAKING NEWS blab la bla and then you follow it up with ‘I broke it first, dude, sit down, it’s not a contest. With the race to be number one with breaking news, comes with grave mistakes, ‘Killing people’ within a month, we’ve had news of Njenga Karume and John Michuki limping to the pearly gates come to us first via Twitter. They were both false.

NO ONE takes time to verify shit ‘cause your head is clouded by the re-tweets and the followers you will gain with the juicy piece of news. This won’t stop,’ cause we all crave the spotlight.
10:24
Montezuma hatuendi!!
» ‎ Media Madness

In 2010, a famous line was dropped on MM ‘Montezuma Hatuendi’ back then, threats were being sent through from all corners. Well, we got a few from Thursday (some are so weak, we laughed and went back to chewing on ribs)

I’ll repeat this line Montezuma Hatuendi!!! A few folks are not happy about Louis story, well my friends, look around … your job will be a lot toughter. I don’t get ‘Crazy fans’ take a breather, read the whole post, before you send us a badly written missive about how you will have the ‘fags’ LOL on MM raped by dogs (that would be quite something)

Before you come here and try and vomit the law you’ve learnt from watching Boston Legal, please read the disclaimer and terms of use pages at the top left.

Thank you.
February 17, 2012
7:40
Louis the pest …
» ‎ Media Madness

Louis loves the good life (we all do) but he wasn’t willing to pay for it, he was brought up in Kibera’s Laini Nane. He got a media break because of his mother and soon became one of the hottest media properties in Kenya. His decline started when he joined Citizen TV, as part of their re-structuring they poached heavily from KTN and they gave out lots of money, for Louis, he had ‘Fikad’ he became a diva!

Initially he was doing ONE show a week, a show he never used to prep for because he was too big to be involved in the ‘planning’ of his own show. His lifestyle became bigger; he discovered gold bracelets, expensive shoes and a woman who could pay it all for him. He chose this woman over his own wife and kids; his family was at one point evicted from their house as he rolled around Nairobi in his VX and his new catch, a woman who is a few years older than him.

You all know how that story ended. They broke up a few times; Louis was fired from Citizen for trying to ‘steal’ from them. He moved to K24, and that didn’t last either, then he was ‘Jobless’ his ‘Main’ lady left him. That’s when he met a new young girl, a girl who had access to money.

He would ask her to get him like 200k, she’d make a few calls and she’d get 200k for him. She borrowed from everywhere, from the bank, friends and even relatives., When his ‘camp’ started the rumour that he was going to be Raila Odinga’s communications director, he felt he needed a car to match his new ‘Big title’ so he told his ‘lady’ he needed a RR Sport. They traded in his VX with a motor dealer in Lavington. The balance from the swap was 1.4 Million, the lady borrowed money to clear that bill. He was preying on her big time.

Back to the lady, in January this year, things got really thick for her, her kidneys were not doing very well, plus the stress from the people she owed money was becoming too much to bear. She quit her job and joined Loius in ‘Business’ no one knows what his business was, but he used to tell her he’d pay her back because this year, he was going to hold several presidential debates on television. When she exhausted all avenues of getting money, he went silent. He stopped picking up her calls, he wanted NOTHING to do with her and he went back to his previous mine. The lady was broken, last week on the 9^th after she celebrated her 26^th birthday, she wrote on her diary that this was her last birthday. On Sunday, when she went to see her parents, she gave the whole story and even gave receipts to some of the payments she’d made for him (including a hospital bill) in total she owed over 10 Million shillings.
February 16, 2012
6:43
Give back your man badge!!
» ‎ Media Madness

On Sunday, a young lady went to see her parents to make a confession. She was in serious shit, she was in debt up to her eyeballs and Sherlocks were on her case EVERY single day about their money. At such a young age, why was she in debt (Millions we hear?)? Well she wasn’t running a business. She was not living large (her parents were paying for her apartment). She was financing a man’s life.

Yes, at her age, while her agemates were busy trying to get free ‘panty removers’ from dudes in Westlands, this young lass was financing a man’s life and not JUST any man, a man who has been working for well over 10 years, a man who at one point was the ‘Biggest name’ in Kenya. A man whose lifestyle was the talk of town, the flashy cars, the amazing suits, some women FELL for him just by his expensive scents.

That man is Louis Otieno. Louis met the girl when she was living with her parents in the same apartment blocks he used to live in. Her parents eventually moved her to other apartments to try and kill a clearly blossoming relationship.

This dude somehow convinced the mama to start borrowing money for him since he was now broke & jobless and everything he was trying out was falling flat on its face.

He lives large, a RR Sport, Supercharged, on the best for an Omera! WATISMANI?! But he wasn’t paying for that shit, someone else was hustling for loans for him and now she’s dead.

She was found dead in her apartment; sources close to the family say it looks like suicide. She couldn’t deal with it anymore; she got into serious debt for a man who clearly didn’t care for her. Louis is hiding somewhere; no one knows where he is. That little leech should be jailed for this fuckery, for being a catalyst to this whole mess!! You’re fucking 40 and you’re living off someone who is barely out of their 20’s … how twisted!?!

Also girls in Nai need to stop being attracted to the ‘Glitter’ you see a man in a nice car, you fall for him. No background checks, nothing! You end up being their slave, because you’re blinded by the lifestyle.
February 15, 2012
9:49
Usyokimau tu!
» ‎ Media Madness

As of jana, ni usyokimau tu, yaani … I’m plotless! I’m now a statistic in the ‘Un-employed’ numbers. I’ll be spending my days masturbating, making some loose cash being a ‘consultant’ and of course spreading the shade and matope on this blog. So much has been going on, but I could not document it as I was employed, no MORE! I will share eeeethang that passes through my kiongo.

Moving right on to the matope!

1. Have you all seen Wahu’s new song?!! That’s a sista trying to hold on to the relevance … the song is called *Drum rolls, farts* STILL A LIAR!!!! My goodness!! Is the deo getting to your brain my darling? STILL A LIAR. WOW. HOW CREATIVE??! The song just exposes her inferior vocal talent, for a hot minute I thought I was watching the rehearsal, nope! It’s the actual song … watch this mess below.

Wahu – Still a liar

Then her stans are all over the place screaming about how good the song is … ummm, you all have shit taste in EVERYTHING!! Another thing, Rosemary (That’s Wahu) made sure every bish on the video was two points uglier than her …. Those mamas are just …. I’m sure Wahu’s next song is ‘Bado sitishiki’ I see you, I thee you.

2. Nyeri Women ALISE!! Karucy (Ooops, I hear she can no longer walk, I hear, not fact, wekeni cease and desists kwa matako) Nyeri women have been in the news for all the wrong reasons (well some of them). The media has kicked this horse to death, even the veteran Waweru Mboro of Citizen radio (dude scares me, meza ngwaci kwanza) gave his opinion on the matter. I think it’s fucking disgusting, when women are raped and set on fire, it’s not news, but mundurume akiwekwa mapanga, IT’S A NATIONAL AFFAIR! Fucking hell! My cucu is from Nyeri and she’s married to a very nice man, he used to do laundry back in the day. Such a nice man, too bad he’s moved to Nairobi.

3.Sometimes I wish I lived in Mlolongo or Rongai, news of Whitney Houston’s passing got to them jana. Here is Nairobi, I’M TIRED OF that song ‘I wiilllll allllwaaaay looooove yooooooou’ in all it’s variations. Every corner you turn in the CBD, the song is blaring, kwanza radio stations, it’s like they discovered the song jana. I’m sure the copy classic 105 has now has chapad, I was out and about yesterday and I used the Kangemi javs … JEHOVA !!! That song is going to drive me to crime, and then valentines checked in (did I mention I’m in a cast).

4. On Sunday, Rapho launched his party …. POA … no, I’m not asking if it’s okay, that’s the name of the PARTY! He looked far and wide and settled on POA!! Kupotea nayo! To make matters Shaffie, he went ahead and invited UK and Ruto to his launch …. Ummm and a group of IDPs … hello, we have a winner!

Shout out to the ‘Shao’ gay guy on KTN’s Muffled Killer … for being brave enough to shrubs raik that on tee-fee and still try to be faburass!! I hear the house he was in was cleansed by Karing’a ring’a the next day.
February 07, 2012
8:33
Your pay is shiet!!
» ‎ Media Madness

*Read this is a nasal bree-ish voice, also, if you have gum, start chewing it*

So *Rolls eyes* Two weeks ago, Sanaipei Tande (she who was made famous by being on a talent show and then made bigger for losing her virginity to) … anyway, she had a realization – she’s bigger than Kiss 100 *gasp* she then decided to take a few days off ‘cause she had a throat infection *Putting things in your mouth does this to you* as she ‘recovered’ from the throat infection, she found time to do a few voice tests around Nairobi eventually settling on Easy Fm ‘cause in her own words ‘They understand me and Kiss doesn’t’

Another reason Sana resigned is cause she says her pay is SHIET and her growth is being stumped. She ASKED for a pay increase for the 4 hours of garbage radio she does every day. See this is where her blondeness comes in, she wants a bigger pay, but she doesn’t want to work for it! Have you listened to her recently?!! My goodness, her voice and Tina Kagia’s is the perfect medication for insomniacs!!

If you own a business, you don’t just dish out money to your employees just ‘cause … they have to contribute to the bottom line, Sana wants to be paid a shit load of money and her show doesn’t make as much, my dear ‘Popularity’ doesn’t pay bills, just ask Homoboyz Radio.

We wish her all the best as she joins Easy Fm, you won’t be young forever and the tatas will sag. Milk it.
February 03, 2012
8:25
Durama at Parents Magazine *Naija Clap*
» ‎ Media Madness

Everyone has that Jamadhoga aunt in the family who after being plucked out of the village to be a diasporan in Nairobi, feels it’s her vocation to educate the rest of the family on just how the world works and what kind of G-String Her Majesty the Queen wears to bed. I was recently reminded of one of these relatives after hearing about one Mrs. Eunice Mathu, owner and Editor in Chief of Parents Magazine. This is the lady, who when she’s not approving the pictures of baby orcs to be plastered in her magazine, is flossing about her ‘Gorowd nekraces, Braborry (Burberry) hadibagas, and horredeyingi at thee Hamutons (Hamptons)’.

Lately, Parents Magazine has been amongst those battling the ‘Mass Exodus of workforce’ epidemic that has hit many media houses. Only, there you resign and later get a message that reads “I’m sorry, your earlier request to resign has been denied. Kindly sit down, shut the fuck up and look busy- Sincerely, Management”. A few days ago, one of the personnel, after receiving that message, refused to take no for an answer and was later called for a one on one meeting with the witch in sheek clothing.

The said employee made their way to the board room hoping that maybe Mrs. Mathu had lost the mark of the beast on her forehead and decided to accept their resignation…it wasn’t so…the mark of the beast was just hidden under the cake of ‘Maka (Mac) makeup’. “I am not here to feed your nyukwa (mother) nor your guka-guo (grandfather)! Direda bia ciakwa thaa ici! (I want my money back)” were the words that opened the meeting. Quite confused, the said personnel hoped they were starring in an episode of Naswa as they had absolutely no clue over the accusations. So when Mrs. Mathu saw she wasn’t going anywhere by raising her voice a few decibels or slamming her acrylic nails against the boardrooms Chinese Mahogany, she decided to lock her employee in the board room to force a confession…kidogo they were even made to walk the plank.. (Someone call Atwoli)

Now, why was she was being accused of being a thief? Well, Friday last week she was handed 13k. 8k for transport and 5k for airtime, this money was to be used during the two weeks she had left on her contract.

After almost an entire day in the boardroom turned remand prison dealing with asthma, the employee finally got hold of a phone and called a friend at KTN who helped her get in touch with the OCS Kileleshwa. On arrival, the OCS questioned Mrs. Mathu in full view of cameras and eager journalists as to why she had a worker detained and she responded by showing him a cash record book ‘indicating’ theft of 13,000 by the detainee.

As the OCS was trying to sort out this issue Mrs. Mathu declared Fatwa on any of the then present media houses who would try to air the story…SMH… yet here we are…..

On the OCS’s orders, the accused was let out wheezing their way into freedom and she was then taken to the Kile police station together with her accusers to EXPRAIN what was going on!

There was a lot of back and forth with occasional maya NGAI nishikilieni nisimchape but after the detainee provided sufficient evidence teamed with compelling counter accusations, it turned out that Mrs. Mathu, in an attempt to stop their resignation, had her employee’s signature doctored on the cash book to trap them at that flying toilet of a workplace…how original!

So shout out to one Mrs. Eunice Mathu! Seriously, act your age! Your physical one if your mental age is too low…Nkt! Did you really think you could gag professional muhahe-ists, imprison your worker and get away with it? Here’s a tip, next time catch all the numbskulls in a net then drag and lock them in a basement to trade stories there….and remember-Silence is golden but duct tape is silver, black, red or blue depending on which hardware you buy it from.

Lakini, riure, can I send you a picture of my nephew to be baby of the month in your magazine? Or, can I send my story about ‘Sex with a disabled person?’ My ex was a Twitter monkey. Call me…

SATAN
January 27, 2012
7:18
Running business … the KTN way
» ‎ Media Madness

If assholes could fly, KTN offices would be an international airport. Now, it’s not in my taste to insult Boll Melly (his face accomplishes that on its own) but I thought I should let you in on how he allows that bitch to be run like a mutura joint in Kia Maiko.

There is more to the news than mushaino ill-fitting suits, medo minus lines, and horse hair, be it Chinese, Brazilian or Industrial Area’n, ask any over worked, under paid reporter at KTN. The station continues to lose them to other stations because of the peanuts for salary. How do you explain giving a reporter 3,000 bob for food, entertainment and accommodation, to go and do a feature in Mombasa? Kwani watalala kwa beach?

Mahia Mutua, after all those years, was fired for being an ‘under performer’. And just to show you the asshol-ery at KTN, they gave him ‘trainee Journalist’ as a job title which paid around 35,000-40,000. At KTN asking for your money’s worth gets you fired faster than you can say Pay raise, and to get that raise, you must follow these steps.

First, you hold secret meetings in masks kwa washrooms, then you decide to collectively take affirmative action, then write appraisals, attend a kesha, then sit down with characters named Munyoki and Bundo to justify why, exactly, in these harsh economic times, you need a salary increment of between 1,500-5,000 bob GROSS. After that, expect to be reported to Boll for mutiny and later, (when you are at a post kesha), arrangements are made from his Range Rover to deport you to the KTN bureaus located across the country under various trees, ant hills and boulders, where your career will die a sad death.

A few weeks ago, such a meeting transpired and KTN Reporters questioned why they were being forced to sign off and yet were not given dressing allowance while news anchors got Ksh 200,000 to don Moi Avenue couture. Present in the meeting were Zipporah Karani and Carol Nderi who, unfortunately, after Boll opened the meeting by saying, “Blizz zbigg ubb. Nopoty willy vigdimize you”, voiced their opinions on allowance …. they are now awaiting deportation to the Nakuru and Nyeri bureaus respectively. Heading the department of deportation is one Kizito. He’s one of those you describe as ‘the guy with brown shoes, red socks and green trousers’ who feels important but their mental function can be graphed with a single dot. Ever since his advances were turned down by Carol Nderi, he feels the need to oppress staff and hire employees from his hometown (watu wa Kakamega and environs you are in luck! Send that CV NOW!)

He is also the one responsible for the hiring of one Joy Mbira from Uganda who thinks ‘Dingisha gidole’ is still the phrase used by the ruling party. Yes she’s well versed with the country’s current affairs. She’s easy on the eye but in some cases has been reported to cause parity errors, power fails, and head crashes just by her mere presence .Another face you will be seeing is Mary Kilobi, I am yet to get dirt on her. Did I mention Edith Kimani will soon be kicked out of Prime and be replaced by either Sophie Wanuna or Joy Mbira? Kizito, also responsible for this, didn’t even have the balls…sorry did I say balls? No, ovaries currently reside where his balls used to be…my apologies. In very professional class 1 style, he sent Anne Kiguta to tell Edith to reacquaint herself with other news reading slots.

I’m told that after Orange pulled out sponsorship for Str8 Up, KTN now want to make it like NTV’sThe Beat. I don’t blame them; yenyewe having a script written for Ian Mugoya because he’s a walking goldfish can’t be easy. On that note, pole sana to him; he was in an accident ….well…not so much. It’s a pity that with those looks he hasn’t half the brains God gave a duck’s ass. His face got smashed by his girlfriend as she was navigating through the basement ramps and he pulled a ‘Peek-a-boo’ from nowhere.

Talk about being born during the low tide in the gene pool. Surely, how do you ruin your face and it’s your money maker? I saw that he’s healing well… but just for precaution, please refer him to Dr. Kahugu, Maxillofacial surgeon. Dr. Kahugu may not be able to change his IQ from a false positive, but he sure can fix a face…even Paul Mellys.

SATAN
January 23, 2012
8:44
Utakuwa??
» ‎ Media Madness

As I type this, Sang is getting his fourth diaper change, Ruto and Uhuru are preparing for a full day of eating with Kalonzo Musyoka, Henry Kosgey is on his fourth prayer and Ali, well Ali is just being cool. Oh my! Muthaura, doing old people stuff like taking pills and pushing piles.

Today is D-DAY, to use a cliché our media has beaten to death with the horse hair. Where will you be at 1.30pm? I’ll be at Mama Oliech’s taking apart samak!

Yesterday, senior journalists were in church PRAYING and speaking in tongues hoping the charges on the 6 STICK like gum on hair ‘cause that will mean them ‘Shuttling’ between the Hague and Kenya covering the trial, who wouldn’t want a free trip, air-miles and the per diem?!!!

Today is the day we identify who sleeps with who. K24 will be live all day (they got a new van *makofi*) and Radio One will be acting like the ICC announcement never happened.

MediaMK
8:04
Guess what …. ?
» ‎ Media Madness

A few years after Seanice Kacungira quit the Kenyan radio scene to go and get married in UG (Which so never happened) the Nairobi rumour mill is now farting fresh ones about her. Word on the street is that Seanice MIGHT make a come-back on Capital FM *THUUUUUUD* Yes, that’s Rae taking a stumble down the staircase, moving on.

Sources say CK is keen on having a stronger character on breakfast cause Chris Foot’s ego and his impeccable mastery of the bitch’s language are over-shadowing his co-hosts.

SIDEBAR!!! (Bree-ish English dear friends, is the ultimate language for bitches, you can call someone a cunt and still look classy, if you live in sijui Mavoko, don’t try it)

Back to the story, CK is quite fond of Seanice and she does make business sense, when she was the PC (For a few months) there was a serious cash flow injection into Capital, plus her show was doing very well, gosh now I sound like her bish, anyway *sips this tea* Seanice’s friends who know her very well suggest she might make the move if a gunia of money is thrown her way, that way she can use her ‘Celebrity’ hahaha to expand her successful hair salon into Nairobi, plus she reckons the Nairobi fashion scene is now mature enough to take in her high street fashion advice.

So forum, would you want Seanice back or y’all don’t give a FUCK about morning radio?

TS
January 20, 2012
9:42
Weave sellers!!! MKO?!
» ‎ Media Madness

If you sell those Angel weaves or you know someone that sells those weaves, please find your way to Lion Place ‘cause my friends, CUSTOMERS ni wengi!

Kiss TV has been on a poaching frenzy for a few weeks now, they’re about to go wave a few contracts to several reporters and editors at KTN (Which looks like Kwa-Maiko on a Tuesday, empty).

Since we all know the women who are going to Kiss TV LOVE LOVE and SWEAR by Cheap Mbalaass, I see a certain rish bish becoming even risher when she ventures into selling weaves at Kiss TV.

Another industry that will grow, are the exhibition stalls, now imagine all these female anchors have to show ‘WAMEFIKA’ and nothing says ‘NIMEFIKA’ like a cheap mushaino shaino skirt/trouser suit from Turkey, complete with a nylon Kamiso, complemented by stripper heels.

Naivas supermarket needs to pitch a tent outside Lion Place and start hawking those bonoko accents of theirs, I’m sure the anchors would be interested in accents that will make them say things like ‘Car-eis TV’ Keeey –ay-yes TV’ and other weird things.

If you’re a lady and you’re looking for a job and you’re a chapanese who is a bit philanthropic with the goods, usijali, Muraya Kariuki is now on Kiss TV. #THATISALL

On the real though, Kiss TV is positioning itself to cover the general election, the winds from Karen are telling us that a certain politician who can’t wait to have his diab in State House in 2013 is behind the SUDDEN increase in Kiss TV’s activity. The politician is keen on selling his narratives on a ‘new’ station like Kiss since he’s fallen out with the ‘Top dogs’ who own the established media stations.

YEYE
January 18, 2012
7:00
I’m back … make way for your ruler!
» ‎ Media Madness

Don’t wish me a happy new year when I’m half way into the month and can’t even afford to take one ngwaci on credit from Mama Mureithi. Yeah bitch, unless you are Chinese keep that shit to your fucking self! Speaking of, what’s with their sudden rise Nairobi? The Chinese, that is. There should be a conspiracy theory out on that shit; first it was the roads, then CCTV, then your radio on 91.9 FM teaching you how to speak their language and make hot and sweet cuisine of your estate mongrels.

Yes, just in case your radio dial doesn’t wander off from Chris Foot who sounds like his mouth is fully occupied by tissue, you can now learn Chinese for free on 91.9 FM instead of attending classes from the local WaKigogoine Chinese Language Center and other Related Studies. But then again, why would anyone want to learn a language where’ Wǒ xiǎng xīshǔn nǐ de rǔfáng’ means I want to suck your munyonyis? Waste of time isn’t it?

(For fear that some of you agree with part of what I have said, you should know that nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity!) Learn a new language especially if you’re the kind that speak Khosaenglish where you say retarded shit like Xaxa Xwity. NKT!

So I hear some journalists want to roll over and die after hearing whispers about The Hague ruling being handed out online. Reminded me of a story from a friend who lost a hard-on after he picked up a ‘goddess’ who later in the night presented to him a dense thicket, flea popping, Venus fly trap looking kanyamu (vagina). I digress, where was I?

Yes hard-ons were lost after akina Wobert and friends found out they won’t be analyzing if the weather affected the ruling and asking a series of silly questions in Netherlands. After milking the bonoko waving/nose pinching story, they must be praying to Mumia wa Nabongo for a worldwide internet connection failure as there is scarcity of stories since the formation of URP by a shititude of MPigs. About URP, I hear they are lacking in sufficient funds for a campaign. Such are the results of a cluster of morons who would jump into anything that has the word Party. Party based on family values my tail wagging madiaba.

Do family values include sticking your penis in another man’s ass and being as indecisive as a sheep with multi personalities? All I can conclusively say about all of them is that when they were born, something terrible happened….They all lived.

Lastly, did you see the Bungomarians take to the street over Barasa? http://westfm.co.ke/index-page-news-bid-4378.htm This is why I love these tu-towns. Shit comes to a standstill when you fuck with the most powerful…wait…second most pow…wait…Third most powerful woman in Kenya, all protocols observed (hopefully there isn’t another pair of nyondos Obaks regea regead to after Wambui’s) All the same Shout out to all Bungomarians! Wave those morodos like you just don’t care!!!

SATAN
6:35
Swali: Mbona waafrika wanachukia waafrika?
» ‎ Media Madness

Ok. So I get to Qz on sato, chill kiasi. Play pool with Jose for 500bob a game, then nikaenda sides za Redtape kitu 2am. Oh, RedTape ilifungwa. Pia wewe hukujua? Now, you know. So, I headed to Black D. I met some long-lost pals there and we started catching up on Biz and Bizches.

Ofcourse, the normal setup of Black D was shaping up. Hoes looking left and right at 2-neck-turns per second hoping for a prey. Fags checking out guys who are in groups and hoping that leo wataget a plug-in. Lesbians at their corner oogling skimpily dressed females. Bouncers frisking miiros but saluting and ‘Hallo Sir’-ing with a smile to walami and the Patels.

Same old African Anti-African practices. And you wonder why we never develop. We have ourselves and our people, and worship the color of bread (if you will forgive the expression).

Before the narrow-minded and easy-to-anger start getting all defensive and apprehensive (yes, I already hear the ‘this jamaa is getting near-racist’ crew sharpening their knives), let us put something into perspective. I, personally, have no issue with walamu. I just have a BIG issue with miiros who worship them. You do something professionally, ‘umefanyakamamzungu’. You do a clean deal, ‘umefanyakamamzungu’. Those ones. Fcuk all of you.

So, yeah, Black D.

I started conversating with some mamma there. She was ‘working na alikuwa ame-park downstairs’ and was sipping on some Amarulaesque cock-tail. Ofcourse, everytime a mlami passed by she would log off my network and start pinging the other wank-station, but akiona no interest, network inarudi.

So, as the night went by, as she got tipsier, she told me more and more about her experiences in life. How ‘waafrika wana ninii bigi na wanakupanua’ but ‘wazungu wanajua tu ku-double-click na unabaki tight’. How walami ni kama Arsenal, wako tender na they take their time but end up leaving you wanting more, while waafrika ni kama Bolton. Rough utadhani ni rugby. Etc. Ohh, she was puring her little heart out. ‘Nataka tu siku moja niget mlami anioe, niache hii life.’, she concluded.

Bottomline, anataka aget mlami amuone, after all the slutting na hoe-ssling…

And we see this all over.Kwanza, obviously, the whole Art-Caffe thing is blown out of proportion. I think. Kila time I have gone there, no white man has ever been given preference over me. That’s my experience. Kila mtu ana yake.

Ofcourse, just like Java, the times I have been at Art-Caffe, the waiters/resses did NOT come back to pick their tip from my table after returning change. But they kept checking on the bill ya Mlami every 5 mins, just incase ameacha ka-tip. Clearly, my 100 bob was less than the 20 bob Mr Smith left. But that is a discussion for the next day.

And that is the way it is.

Kamakuna noma, ita polisi.

By Mwafreaker.
January 17, 2012
6:24
Open Post
» ‎ Media Madness

Gawd damn! It’s hot! The sun is making everything dry! From weaves (I saw a really thirsty one on Tom Mboya jana) to brains, look at the crap Miguna Miguna is spewing out, his brain is DRY!

Another thing that is dry, is the gossip source, folks are broke and can’t afford to do weird things like (Orgies, story for another day) or do dumb things on air and risk losing their jobs.

Some of the stories floating around are kaodo dry too, like a radio DJ who has been on suicide watch since dethemba, cause of a man, anunuliwe dildo! NKT! She’s not worthy of a full post mention here.

Anway, this is an open post, do as you see fit.
January 12, 2012
6:14
Dear diary…
» ‎ Media Madness
Testing 1,2,3…is anybody out there? The hardest part about writing a journal is what to say after a lengthy absence. I’m a busy woman. I work long hours. Do these eternal eye bags convince you otherwise? No? I thought so.

We finally went on air. The tale of woe is just beginning.

I’ve been in the industry for a while, (Don’t look at me like that, at least I am not older than your mother), but China’s broadcasting giant….this is something else! I wish I would have come alone though, I don’t like sharing the spotlight with these undeserving bitches. Unfortunately, they are here, in their mushaino suits. The weave-y one from Citizen is okay. Peninah is the one I am worried about. Suit ni zile zile za NTV, day in day out. If you are gonna wear a mushaino suit, don’t wear it every day. Hapa si Mabati Rolling Mills!

It is very different here. Kwanza, THE PAYCHECK!!!! At KTN, I was simply overworked and underpaid! Here, I am rolling in the dorras! Now I can hog all I want. Hubby thinks I’m getting fat. He’s been insisting that I drop him at the gym everyday on my way to work, and jana he made me a managu(plus many awful, hideous grass-like veggies) salad but I refuse to get the message. Jungus are not easy to please! I’ve only added like 0.000000004 kgs. Calm down idiot! Are you allergic to flesh?

Ningeolewa tu na Ouma!

Everyone at work says I look way better curvy, even the skinny Chinese hair and make up chick (35 kilos of drama and high pitched gossip). I know it’s just retroactive asskissing hullabaloo but oh well, I still look young , don’t I?

In other news, lighting is so perfect at this studio. I think I should now stop using fair and lovely. After the Malibu holiday, I really wasn’t sure I’d look this good on TV. Damn! Yes, sun ages skin. Yet, some people are wrinkle free *cough* *cough*, while others look like frozen spinach. Sun screen is your friend. Lots and lots of it.

TO DO LIST.
1. Call Lilian Muli. If I see that cameltoe one more time, I’ll perform cutting edge surgery to transform that hoof print into a smiley face.
2. Figure this hiPad out. Yaani CCTV can’t get iPads???? Buy China Build China???
Beatrice Marshall.

Viv
5:52
BUSTED!!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Our Army has been fighting Al Shabaab in Somalia for weeks now. The battle hasn’t been on the ground only, it’s been on the airwaves, with the army trying to win the Kenyan hearts and minds by telling us the bad bad enemy is going down and it’s for our benefit. Ignore the cost implication and the fact NO one really knows what they’re doing in Somalia.

News about their activity does make it to our news outlets, but ALL of it comes from the military. Citizen TV, an outfit of pure jokers has had its journalists embedded within the army in Somalia. What they’ve shown us so far is that Michael Njenga looks hideous in military gear, women soldiers can be BAD ass and Al Shabaab fighters will surrender WHEN they see a film camera.

I’ve always said the .Ke media is on a short leash and they’re just vomiting back the garbage the military is peddling. Villages ‘Captured’ in Somalia are reported as ‘Major towns’

Now, enter Major E. ChirChir, the Military Spokesman, the man who CANNOT lie, and the man who gives out press releases via Twitter. I knew something was not clean in the milk, when he Tweeted about some airstrikes the military was about to carry out, the message was directed to the folks in Somalia, as if they’re on Twitter.

He was also involved in a very pedestrian Tweef on Twitter with an account run by an Alshabaab sympathizer. Now, yesterday the major Tweeted the following

The Daily Nation QUICKLY picked the story

Without verifying the facts of the story cause the Kenyan Military will never lie. But on this one, they lied and LIED big!!

The images the major was Tweeting are from 2009, not January 11 2012. The photo was taken by an AP photographer and the Daily Mail ran the story on December 15^th 2009. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1235763/Pictured-Islamic-militants-stone-man-death-adultery-Somalia-villagers-forced-watch.html

A simple search on Google could have saved the Daily Nation’s rep … but since all they do it TAKE from the military, we’re fucked. This version of the story will not make it on the papers, imagine how many Kenyans who are not online will read this and go ‘Fucking Somalis’. Sad.

@MediaMK

Credits

@Geoffreyyork

@Mukhtaryare

@Kenwama

Daily Mail
January 09, 2012
7:40
Sorry Nancy, you’re sooo last week
» ‎ Media Madness

Move over Nancy Baraza, your story sasa haina ladha! That’s the attitude our journos have towards stories, they spend at least a week regurgitating a story, no one bothers to give new insights, it’s the same crap every day and then we say Kenyans are ‘Fickle minded’ and they easily forget!!
HELL NO! You guys are the ones that move on to the next one too quickly, the Nancy Baraza story has so many angles; NO ONE is looking at her past. Has she been aggressive before? Well, last year ALLEGEDLY (Lawyers, I used the word allegedly) she slapped a police officer in Kisumu.
No one is ASKING why she has hired a PR ‘Guru’ *LAUGHTER* John Nyongesa to ‘Tetea’ her yaani throw in random plots into the story like ‘Kerubo wants 3 million bob’ a CLAIM he’s ONLY making. But it’s been taken as the gospel truth, cause at the end of the day, only poor and un-educated people lie.
Anyway, Nancy, you can now enjoy a cup of ‘ndee’ cause your story is old news now, Miguna Miguna is about to take up all the space with his diab of a mouth!
Miguna’s ‘BEST FRIEND’ and un-official spokesperson ALLEGEDLY posted THIS story on CNN’s iReporter website. Two things might happen, the story WON’T get any mention in the leading press ‘cause they’re all kissing Raila’s ass OR the story will get AIRTIME, as a different version.

Miguna is a class act, my goodness!! If I had an ounce of his fame whoring schemes, I’d be on every billboard in fucking Nairobi! Heck, I’d have my own entourage. We’re 9 days into the new year and dirty politics has started, brace yourself and get a rain coat ‘cause the media will broadcast this shit EVERYDAY.
Nancy Baraza should also thank the good lord that the ICC decision is being announced this week, the spotlight is off her kabisa!! We get to see Rita Tinina, Alex Chamwada TALK to us about international law, as they’ve read it on Wikipedia! FUN TIMES!!!
January 06, 2012
7:00
I quuuuuit!
» ‎ Media Madness

Word on the street is that Terro sashayed into Homeboyz radio and threw her expensive Indian Remy at management.

After years on Homeboyz, Terro has had enough of the dust in Inda, it was clogging up her system and messing up with her accent, her weaves and of course SWAG!!

Shocked … (well they weren’t shocked, I’m trying to jazz up a very boring story) workmates learnt that Terro is no longer with Homeboyz this week.

NO one knows what is next for her, she’s keeping her cards very close to her nyonyos but, her friends are going to hold a kesha, yaani a night of rebuking the NDEVO so that Terro doesn’t go home and marry a shady pastor like she almost did last year.

I’m not so sure if she is still on KTN’s straight up your ass, I’m too old for that show. Terro started as a late night presenter on Homeboyz, her show was called the velvet room, she spent the two or so hours trying to be as sexxay as Nini Wacera, but she couldn’t, you need an extra ‘I don’t give a fuck’ chromosome to be like Nini Wacera.

Late night radio in Kenya is no longer exciting, everyone who comes on board thinks it’s about being slutty and vulgar, it’s not.

Anyway, good luck to her.

You still wanna talk about Nancy Baraza? Carry on … Power to Rebecca Kerubo.

Yeye.
January 04, 2012
7:18
Mali haina Mali
» ‎ Media Madness

Happy new Year, kula unone etc.

Welcome back.

Mali drama, the ‘First’ Kenyan TV soap … ignore the fact that Tausi was the first local act to go on air with this format. Well, Mali has been on air for a few weeks, over 100 episodes have been shot and at close to 400k a show, it’s not a simple production, but it seems ‘Hakuna Mali, kwenye Mali’ a section of the cast and crew are on a go slow over money issues.

Sources said over air burgers that the money is not flowing as it should be to their pockets, some want more and others just want to be PAID for the work done!

I’ve watched a few episodes of Mali and I can say for less than 400k per episode, someone is gonna get shafted in the ass. The cast is pretty expensive and the set looks like it cost an arm and a leg, I don’t understand how they are surviving on 400k an episode. If only the money they talk about on the show was real *sigh*

ION, Changing Times is courting trouble, since they started, they have been sampling music on their show without permission, they need to talk to the Star and ask them how their court case with AFP is going. What is it with us ‘Africans’ thinking we can get away with shit? You steal intellectual property and air it on national TV without losing sleep and you expect to be forgiven?
December 31, 2011
9:00
Shadiness awards 2011 – Part 1
» ‎ Media Madness

2011 was quite dramatic, every week there was always some shit that hit the fan, and it was too much! We’ve complied some shady ass moments that went down in 2011 and we hope the culprits won’t vuka the mwaka with the shadiness. Ignore the numbering.

1. Anthony David came to Kenya for the first time this year and he performed in the wild, it was a Capiro gig. Chao, a presenter at Capiro MADE sure we KNEW she had just un-wrapped a Southern accent from Fedex. She kept calling out for ‘Mah-boo’. In my head, I thought, well this is grand, finally we get to see the man that tolerates Chao, KUMBE she was calling out for ‘Maqbul’ *Naija Clap* Child, leave that shady accent of yours in Twentay Eellvan.

2. Sonko! Where to start with this guy? It’s like he was hired by Nairobi Stalls to show off their awful threads. He made STUDS look like shit! Sonko was made famous by the media, they gave him acres of airtime, when he was jumping over fences and punching walls like a retard, there was a camera around, when he was making threats, there were cameras around, when he was screaming like a ka-malaya, the cameras were there. Sonko’s shadiness was amplified by our shady ass media houses. I wish we can leave Sonko behind in 2011, cause his shadiness CANNOT be dropped, it’s woven in his jeans and genes.

3. Slimpossible!! My goodness, that was a HOT mess from the minute it went live, first of all, it went live when the country was being bombarded with images of starving Kenyans in the North. But what took the cake was the finale, the lighting, the sound, everything was shady. It was like the show was being written as it went along, the contestants were sat a t corner where at some point a kid threw a tantrum from here to high heavens! The gifts were weird, wedding gowns uum okay, vouchers, uum okay, I’ll never forget the ‘rady’ from Pivot point and her ‘Etiquette crasses (No typo). The second season ended last week and the lady that won is married to a chef, honey, divorce the guy, you don’t need the gym.

4. The February 28 Movement, it was championed by middle class folks who ONLY wanted to get their faces and names in every media outlet. The glare from the attention they received confused their asses and BAM! It was a wrap!

5. Gaetano, Eve, Vipul and Joey on one show! Lawd!!! Joey’s forehead was more popular than the show at one point. The wadrobe was AWFUL and every Sunday, Hemedi brought his rural swag on stage by performing with an umbrella and shades on uurg, we also realized Ngangalito was now a lito bit fat. BTW, have you all seen his new song with meno 37 Ameleena? Well, don’t bother, use those three minutes to wank to look for a job.

6. The KTN news set was just a masterpiece in jamathoganess!!!! Who will ever forget the ‘Fake’ elevator in the middle of the fucking set, the sliding door and to crown it all, it has this BIG ass ‘Globe’ thing rotating. In their heads, it was a world class set, to those who frequenct Liddos, it looks like a stripper’s stage. The lights were BLINDING!!! The colours were off!! You could see Baul Melly’s hand in all of this ‘Ongesa bruu’

7. The Kenyan parliament was full of vitukos this year. I won’t even go into details, I might rupture a heart vessel and Aga Khan is not selling ‘em heart meds cheaply.

8. Sheila Kwamboka decided to start a music career after she ran out of chances to kiss girls and talk trash on pan-African television. Her first song was ‘Juu ya doe’ Yeah, those are three minutes I’ll never get back. She then released another video for her second track called ‘Video Girl’ yeah, if Lady Gaga shopped at House Of Twa, that’s how she’d look. Sheila, go back to being a TV reporter. Oh yeah, she’s an anti-malaria ambassador, how can I forget.

9. Dr. Mutua had unique shady shidas (OMG, I can rhyme, Abbas ako wapi we chomoa a shit song?) in 2011. Passion went to new lows, it lost writers, an editor and it piled on the shady and some weight when it featured Kalekye. Apart from Passion, Mutua started the EMAS, the awards show was at Bomasof Kenya and my friends! It’s like shadiness was trucked to the event by Ba Yusuf, from the awful sound, to him giving a SPEECH eeer boss sit down, to the chap who came on stage in a FULL mavi green MUSHAINO SUIT!!! Kathleen Kasavuli LOOOKED and sounded smart as she read a tribute, we all thought, awww such sweet words, kumbe she had copy pasted the whole thang from Wikipedia. We expect some shady ass moments from Mutua, since this ninja has to make money before the ass he kisses walks out of State House.

10. *Sigh* Rapho. A presidential candidate’s attempt at connecting with the ‘Youths’ backfired so hard and hit him in the nuts, I swear I saw his pubes float away, no wonder the folks in KSM were stoning him, pubes can choke (Okay. I’ll stop) he then failed AGAIN, when Citizen TV profiled him and his BIG ass house and then he talks about ‘Najua vile msee hufeel akienda kulala bila kumanga’ unless he was talking about something else, this ninja doesn’t look like he’s ever missed ONE meal, not even the 10 Am tea with ‘em Marie biscuits. That video worked the other way for him, NO ONE TOOK HIM SERIOUSLY.

Ed & MediaMK

Part 2 & 3 (With photos) will be uploaded next week
December 22, 2011
6:28
Happy Holidays!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Okay, the bloody card won’t show, check it out here http://twitpic.com/7w9k8x

Happy Holidays! We took a break on the 20th and we’ll be back on the 28th.

YEYE
December 19, 2011
8:26
Attention Whoring, the Atwoli way!
» ‎ Media Madness

Atwoli NEEDS TO WRITE a book on how to grab national attention! So dude, through COTU, the organization he was born to drive to the ground, he has called for a 10 day general strike.

He wants y’all to MAKE your boss’s life HELL by not showing up to work, this will then HURT the government sooooo bad, that will be forced to crawl up to Atwoli and BEG him to tell the ‘wakas’ to go back to work, and then our fuel prices will come down. Just like that, BY not working to feed ourselves, things will be rectified. Why didn’t think about this before? Well, I’ll tell you why, because our brains are FRIED everyday by the hot sun as we wait for javs, that’s why we can’t come up with the brilliant ideas has.

His brilliance comes from sitting on at least 15 boards, I mean that does not require a lot of brain power, all he has to do is FINYA a few ndaos, thermos kadhaa za chai and he’s done. Leaving room for such brilliant ideas as a general strike and the media loves his ideas; they will take all their mics and cameras to his press conference. Such love for Atwoli from the media and yet, he won’t tetea some of you when your employer bends you over and fucks you up with a rigid contract.

The fourth estate needs to stop treating Atwoli like a saint, everything he says is given acres of airtime, most folks are on STRIKE bila a legit reason. Look at the touts in Ungwaro this morning, threatening to stone any buses that are on the road!

Atwoli needs to retire and go grind his greasy ass on his gold and 21 Million Shilling car!
December 15, 2011
6:00
Let us play
» ‎ Media Madness

So in the last two weeks, we’ve been very busy. A point we’ve made very clear here. But some of you FEEL it’s our JOB to entertain you at your shit JOBS. Boss, kila siku si Sunday. MM is not anyone’s FULLTIME gig. That is usually the problem, juggling everything else and then working on a post. When we’re idle, you can tell, we post like it’s going to get us laid.

We’ve said it before, gossip DOES NOT GROW on Trees. Nope! If it did, trust me MM would have a forest in Karura. We’ve also TOLD you before that hii si buffet park, if what you find here doesn’t NOT tickle your fancy just ‘cause you’re used to preparatory school level ‘Comedy’ like Churchill Live, just move on, you don’t have to share your bare brains with us by calling MM names and writing an obituary (Hilarious btw)

You don’t have to comment, for example. I will NOT allow any comments on this post, just to show, it’s OKAY NOT to have any comments, comments, don’t pay anyone’s bills.

You all have been allowed to RUN around the way you want, but remember, the site is still NOT a PLC, we will make sure you don’t turn the comments section into a pig sty, even if it means blocking half of you who are on a MM bash fest.
You might argue, MM likes to dish it, but won’t take it ummm, if your comment is SOBER, it’s okay. We will listen. But posting everyday about how crap we are and you’re still coming back is being a bit thick and just shows deep down, you’re an attention whore.

For example, on Sunday night, a little lass started a rumour on Twitter that Maina Kageni had passed away. That is JUST being stupid! She was just an attention whore, as folks were going crazy about the story, Maina was in Club Enigma in Nakuru playing tongue tennis with another guy.

See, that story is short, but then again, does it say anything new? The same thing with the KTN story, MM has been writing about KTN’s slippery ride to irrelevance since May this year, guys are quitting every day, posting that every day is just being stupid.

So guys, read post, slap your keyboard and then tomorrow we start on a new page. If you don’t have anything to say it, shut up and those sharing links to their own blogs, umm, yeah, you will no longer be able to do that.

PK
December 14, 2011
7:21
Dear Diary ….
» ‎ Media Madness

Dear Diary,

You wouldn’t believe what just happened to me right now a few hours ago. Soon as I immediately just had a meeting with my pals at the Art Caffe, the guards and management accused us of stealing a laptop five days before. But at the alleged time, I remember I was purchasing a large consighment of handbags in the U.K. That’s where I live, not here. They insisted on this despite the disbelief that had clearly materialized on my face.

I was just minding my business in the parking lot as I showed my badly-dressed-but-rich pals some handbags. The guards accompanied by a tall Middle East man, who later took us to a shorter Middle East man and two Middle East women, then the Middle East man told me I was off the hook. My Manolo Blahnik high heels, the countless Cucci handbags in my new Audi A4 and my accent had clearly saved me.

How releaved was I. But the disbelief refused to unmaterialize from my face because my friend was still a suspect. I’ve been advising her not to dress badly.
I’ve been advising her to stop dressing shabbily and start driving a new Audi A4. Now look, they think she’s a Kikuyu thief (a major tribe in Kenya). I was trying to upgrade her swagger but it looks like I was just late in the nick of time.

At last, they late us go but the guards did not late us go. Again, disbelief and disgust. And the way we welcomed them into this country with wide open arms, yaani. And it is at that moment that I decided to boycott the establishment. I’ll boycott them all the way from the U.K. (a major diaspora hub) when I get back home also.

I am disappointed that I can be treated like these in my own country (though I don’t live here). How could they do that to me? I hadn’t even closed a sale on any of those handbags. Next time, I’ll start with the hawking before we sit down to eat to avoid such drama. And that’s the last time I hang out with people who don’t dress like they fit the criteria for urban chic. Even if they have NGOs supported by 10 bigwigs.

Berry (A Diasporian)

WRONG NUMBER
December 13, 2011
6:35
Open Post
» ‎ Media Madness

I guess you’re now used to the fact that all of us here are being battled by exams. We have one more week of this brutal relationship, btw, KASNEB, I better apply all this shit at work.

Moving on, it’s an open post (I’ve broken all the rules for this) before you say anything, I’d like to ask, WHERE IS LUCY KIBAKI? She was MIA jana at Nyayo. Maybe her special wig from Beauty Options was not ready, ama the person who does her eyebrows didn’t ‘Shora Half Moon’ this time and she got pissed.

Also, there is a ‘silent protest’ online, asking folks NOT to go to Art Caffe cause of this incident

http://mwakilishi.com/content/forums/2011/12/12/diasporan-harassed-at-artcaffe-in-nairobi.html

Um, I don’t know how to say this without coming off as a dick. The folks at Art Caffe don’t care about you folks who go there ONCE every 6 weeks, their loyal clientele won’t care about this little incident, because they’re all pretentious and they live in their own bubble.

Also, I’ve read the post and all I can say is ‘Diasporians’ whoever they are, really need to stop with the boasting aaaish!

Yeye
December 09, 2011
6:59
500% or NOTHING!
» ‎ Media Madness

So the lovely folks at KBC have threatened to go on strike if they don’t get a 500% pay increase!!

This is getting messy, first doctors and then the SECOND most important people in the country are about to go on strike! How will WE survive?? OMG!!! The world is coming to an end?! Can you imagine business news without O’Brien Kimani *Holds Forehead* this is too much for my weak heart!

Weather news without Irene Muchuma? HOW WILL THAT EVEN WORK? She’s the greatest weather girl ever! Just imagine, just imagine, Vitimbi NOT been on air! This is the END of the world as we know it!
If they go on strike, Njoki Kaikai will NOT be on my screen anchoring news with a cocktail dress and talking to me like she wants me to do bad bad things to me!!! Someone stop this disaster! That young man will not be on my screen with a HOT PINK shirt at 9pm!!! This is NOT FAIR!

Jokes aside, I found the threat hilarious. First of all, KBC has the laziest and most incompetent work force in the region; they MAKE no effort to improve anything. Why should you all get a payrise? Fine, I get that you’re underpaid, but isn’t that your worth? Really, let us get serious here. KBC is upto its forehead in debt, NONE of you are making any effort to generate new ideas to keep KBC on relevance street.

KBC should be privatized and at least 40% of the old tired workforce sent home, it’s a bloated ship that ground to a halt years back. Public broadcaster kitu gani! No one even remembers the broadcaster’s mandate, years of grand corruption and nepotism and hiring by the dick have ruined the broadcaster. Before you ask for a payrise, ebu draw up a list of your work related activities over the past month, ogling, selling Kamisos and drinking at the 50 bob per bottle bar should not be on the list.

ION, Kajairo has a new show. I lack words, I really do. That is not even funny! That shit is STALE! If you laughed for even ONE SECOND, I’ll just ahead and assume you were stoned as FUCK! Really Kajairo, I know next year is an election year, na maz, najua hutaki kuuza ndai kaa last time ndio u-finance campaigns, but there has to better ways to make money. With that ka-outfit of yours, you can be a hit in the zoo.

YEYE
December 08, 2011
7:55
You are a dj too? Come ooon.
» ‎ Media Madness

We are fed up with the same old fuckery, aren’t we? I am mostly tired of seeing DJ Creme de la creme’s arm tattoo. I mean, what the hell man? The guy keeps shoving it down people’s throats like his life depends on it. Eeeeeer, I get that those are the most important people in his life but the fact that I have seen that tattoo so many times that those are probably the names I would blurt out unconsciously if I were a political prisoner being tortured in some dungeon should teach you a shit load about keeping your personal life private. To be fair to him though (heck, who is trying to be fair?) it is nicely done…ish.

Unfortunately, the deejays who have been in the industry for like 4564 years are the good deejays. They know what they are doing. Well, most of the time. I almost don’t want any ‘fresh talent’. I mean, if new talent means that DNG gets to be the best hypeman in Kenya, I would rather go die peacefully on some beach in Malibu. If every kid who decides to drop out mid-high school to pursue deejaying is the fresh talent…sorry.

DJ Mumbi wa Gachie and DJ Kamongoo-the-real-mudfish(where do they get these fishy names?) need to step away from virtual DJ and learn two or three lessons about deejaay-ing. These kids need to understand that owning a god damned PC does not necessarily translate to a career in jockeying. It doesn’t have to be the cool thing you dive into immediately after you clear high school (plus, you don’t have to be cool to survive!). Not everyone can entertain. 5 years into your career, if the only fans you have are three village idiots, get the fuck away. Do something with your life!

VIV
December 07, 2011
8:03
It is the season of giving …
» ‎ Media Madness

It is the season of giving….but as I learned yesterday, some of you are generous all year round with everything causing a recently sharp increase in demand and supply of acid in Nairobi. I’m sure that by now you know what went down between one @Baibyeve, @Lydiamrembo and @TrickyStephen. I went through some of those tweets and seriously reconsidered changing my name because some people are out there doing my job better than I am.

“I am Evelyne and I’m HIV+. I’ve slept with many people and I’m warning them to get medication fast. I will put a list round” “…You are such a hypocrite. You had sex with me without using a condom because of greed. Now you face the consequences” “…Your boyfriends game is down. Tell him not to have sex with random girls bila using a condom” “…Sorry for talking about your family but sweety it’s all your boyfriends mistake. Now you are HIV+HAHAHA”

These are just but a few excerpts gotten from that timeline. This is what the world has come to; telling people that you infected them with a deadly virus via social media/mama mboga/post-it note, tossing acid/makaa/uji moto in their face as a form of vengeance, stirring fear –increasing the stigmatization and the works. With the holidays here, I suspect there will be an increase in those of you who go and get wasted and pick random chic’s/dudes to fyeka and safisha kunis, closing your mashishios to the fact that they could be organ harvesters, thugs, rapists or even malicious human beings who want to spread HIV to get even.

Open your eyes…these people don’t wear labels on their heads to define the vile things they do. What lesson do you learn from this? If in your head your answer is “Jikinge kutokana na madhara ya acid” you’re a medical mystery and need to take a refresher course here…we cannot put together an entire skit for you.

Last week I was made aware of a character named Hahakicheko who made some as nervous as a midget nun at a penguin shoot. Big wigs and weaves were shaken and hang out to dry like a mothers union in Laini Saba. The ‘Frenemy’ as he calls himself ousted RosemissTaylor as the ‘Mayor’ of twittville with some photos of an obviously wild night out and juicy tales about exploratory Indian fingers. I’d like to thank Hahakicheko for successfully helping raise the IQ of Nairobi County by a significant percentage, but, my friend; you have introduced a whole new form of Cyber Bullying. These days, cross a ninja in this town and you have a huge target on your back followed by tell all narratives with pictorial compositions of all your private shenanigans.

Unless you’re as anonymous as Stig, please behave on social media…knock before you come through the door, flush the toilet, don’t speak with your mouth full, don’t pick your nose…basically have some decorum or else what you say will be misquoted then used against you. All the same Hahakicheko, thanks for the laughs. If at all Karma is the bitch they say she is, then i now look forward to the day you will be exposed. I’m sure it will be great comical relief.
December 05, 2011
8:32
Operation Linda Afya
» ‎ Media Madness

Today, medics in public hospitals are giving the government the middle finger and won’t be working till their demands are met. They’re asking for a 400% pay increase. I don’t see it happening; our government has become immune to our cries. They can’t hear us in their air conditioned fancy cars, they won’t hear us over the moans of the prostitute he’s banging, they won’t see us ‘cause their windows are heavily tinted.

I HATE politics, but fucking hell, we’re in shit. We’re running an incursion that is soo flawed the military has to force feed our journalists with useless crap to make us believe we’re ‘winning’ something. We’re losing BIG TIME.
I was in shags, I passed by the district hospital, that is all the folks there can afford, God forbid I GET ill when I’m here, my medical cover is useless, ‘cause we have no doctors around here.

You might argue doctors are tied to a code of ethics, well, they’re human too. We’ve heard stories of doctors getting sick and dying! Yaani, you know what is killing you but you can’t afford the meds you’re prescribing to yourself. I support them getting a pay increase, but also an upgrade of all hospitals countrywide.

We’re a nation of wasting resources, I’m sure a big ass party is already being planned for December 12th. More cars are being bought. I can’t wrap my head around how I can help change the situation. How can we get rid of the rotten ruling class? We need a plan. Someone, please tell us how, I can’t come up with anything, but I’ll throw caution to the wind and follow anyone with a solid plan.

Tulinde Afya.

YEYE.
December 02, 2011
6:30
Word is …
» ‎ Media Madness

It seems the radio industry just lost a BIG name. Word on the lanes is that John Wilkins was fired last week. John joined Easy Fm as the PC five years ago, he came from Kiss FM. His radio career in Kenya started as a drive presenter on Capital Fm. He then moved to Kiss as a PC, a post he held for 6 years.

The British born chap used to work for a community radio station in the UK. Sources say, that management looked at the success Q FM was enjoying and realized that they don’t need him anymore. Q FM is a Swahili station and he had very little input into it ‘cause he doesn’t know Swahili. Meanwhile the station he was fully hands on was not doing very well, management started connecting dots and the dots formed a lift, for John.
December 01, 2011
6:40
Bits and Pieces
» ‎ Media Madness

This is a such a fucked up week … no one has time to put up posts. Let me drop a few nuggets.

Congratulations to entertainment reporter Tim Kamuzu Banda. He’s getting married in Naivasha this weekend. Well, if you know Tim, he’s not marrying the lady that bore him a child last year, the woman we all KNEW he had ‘married’. Nope, he’s marrying another lady, sources say, the lady he’s marrying this weekend doesn’t even know about Tim’s ‘Other’ family!!!
Eeek, I’ll be sipping on the Champagne at the wedding but I’ll try and NOT get drunk ‘cause I’ve been told there are BOUNCERS at the wedding. I mean REALLY?! Bouncers at a wedding?? Something is NOT clean in the milk!

ION, K24’s Sophie Wanuna has hit the Jackpot (I need to explain this one to her, Jackpot means you’ve ‘Won’ big, I don’t mean that you are hitting Jack’s pot, no, that would be insinuating other things)

Anyway, Sophie is moving to KTN! That’s growth, KTN need all the faces they can get, currently, some of their news reporters are trying to outshine each other with weaves and those flammable suits in the hopes they will one day told to go in-front of the camera.

Yeye
November 29, 2011
6:30
reggae is out!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Last night, Metro Fm aired its last reggae/dancehall broadcast. The station as you all remember changed its format a few years ago from a station we used to love for their music selection (their late night show was the best) to playing absolute garbage. Reggae is not a bad genre, but they made it sound worse by totally going down the ‘ghetto, poor man’ route. Kwanza they used to play that crap that is just versions of popular pop tracks sang over a dancehall track.
Even if you’re talking to the poor people, you need to be kidogo aspirational, si,kukoroga ujinga with your listeners, let them learn a few things. One thing I won’t miss is their shit station ID. It always played at a very high volume and it had the word ‘niceness’ smh. The station is re-branding to appeal to females and the inner divas in men. The station will be playing soul and classic R&B. They’re trying to eat at classic 105′s market. For a man who seems to concentrate on chasing his clande all over town, Nyambane hapa amefikiria. See 101.9 has an amazing national network. Sources say he is trying to recruit smart people to execute his strategy cause all the presenters who were on Metro can’t hack speaking normal English. They were so sold that they were ‘Jamaican’ they even came up with their own version of the language.
November 28, 2011
8:21
Musical Chairs
» ‎ Media Madness

The Kenyan TV industry is still recovering from the raid CCTV pulled a few months back. They’re still NOT done! KTN (The TV station that suffered the most) has lost its whole ENGLISH editorial TEAM, in ONE GO!! Emmanuel Taalam, the news editor resigned last week and has taken the Yuan wagon to China.

Taalam’s assistant, Muraya Kariuki also resigned last week and he’s heading to Radio Africa’s Kiss TV. Kiss TV is now re-structuring (Really, they are) and since it’s now a national station, Patrick Quarcoo’s task is bigger than ever and he will need the best brains in town to churn out fresh and relevant content for the masses. The numbers indicate that Kiss TV might un-seat KTN from the third position it holds amongst the urbanites.

Yusuf Ali, a man who first made news after a reporter threw a chair at him has also left KTN. He was their assigment editor. He is tight lipped about where he is moving to. The latest moves from KTN have left the management in shock. My advice to them, train YOUR own and GROW THEM, they will be valuable resources down the road.

Now that we know people are moving, WHY are they moving? Well, truth be told, money is the first reason folks are ditching media houses. Kenyan reporters are NOT the best paid. KUJ, is in shambles and they DO nothing to fight for renumeration for journalists. Did employers become NUMB to unions or are unions just busy bodies?

DS
November 25, 2011
6:00
Stupid at work!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Capital FM is being sued (Yes SUED) by one Hurbert Nakitare aka Nonini, who since started fading away from the limelight has acquired the mental agility of a soap dish with all the personality ya Plasticine.

Last week The Jam was activating Summit Malt and used ‘Keroro’ as background music. Before I continue, excluding watu wa Tharakanithi county how many of you still have it as a chart topping club banger? OK, those of you with your hands up, Congratulations!! You are still in the Early Man stages, utapatiwa certificate ya Richard Leakey as you leave. Back to the matter at hand; I know this chap is usually stupid but on this particular day he either put in great effort or his mama grabbed his balls and made him call Cess to wekelea a bonoko on her head for using the track (Did I mention it was in the background of her loud laughs?). For those who are legally challenged, hello Galis. It’s perfectly legal to use a song for a few seconds in a promo and you don’t have to pay loyalties.

When it was not used the next day, Cess, being the loose cannon she is explained what happened and threw it in there that he can at times be a Mavi ya Kuku *gasps*. His mama felt she hadn’t squeezed enough so she kamatad those maguados and told him hawesi abiwo hifyo resulting in a lawsuit against Capital on grounds that he was menacingly insulted and his song used without consent. PS- ( This girlfriend of his forcefully conducts BDSM on him…yaani chains, whips,toilet brush, utensils and acrylic nails and the works are made to forcefully excite him. wapi number ya ile FIDA ingine?)

This chap has just bitten the hand, taken the tray and smashed Ndinjay CKs head, who, back in the day helped him aquire a visa to the US and even let him use his office to shoot a video. Last I checked CK had no idea of what had gone down but I tell you this, hell hath no fury than CK being interrupted by some balding godfather during his thingira massage sessions from a Kayellow Yellow. From what I hear, people are shocked as Cess and Nonini are buddies ,to me, his attack may as well be like being savaged by a dead Merino.

I’ve just about had it with these so called ‘celebrities’ ,who, because of the glorification Pulse and other forms of arse wiping materials have given them, feel their shit smells of Chanel no 5 . They get endorsements and the likes of Angwenyi refuse to honor agreements because she is vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem. She woke up one morning feeling she’s better than everyone because she sucks white cock like pin-pop and demanded to have the client pay her more money because she is a ‘celebrity’.

P-Unit tried the same thing Ha-Butt is doing now but Caroline Mutoko ran to the nearest gas station wekad full tank on her Subaru and VRRROOOOOM….there were casualties. Ati “You played our song without our consent”…who are you? If anything after meeting some of you I’m in favor of abortion in cases of incest. Showbiz is a cruel world as it is glamorous and I’m all for you receiving your dues but when some of you start to act like Media houses are your mothers nyondos to play with and milk whenever you want I will tell you for free that there are hard times ahead. This trying to make a career from early mid-life crisis isn’t doing you any favors….so calm the fuck down.

SATAN
November 24, 2011
8:48
Do your job!!
» ‎ Media Madness

I have spent the last two weeks looking for a gunia to bury the SONU Secretary General in when the arson attempts finally yield fruit. Alex Matere is a wanted man. All the people in the right places are very angry at the bloke.

Three weeks ago, his girlfriend, or clande(I wouldn’t care) posted a notice in every university crevice she could find claiming that he had done baaaad baad things to her. Apparently, she got saved and broke up with him. The man clearly has letting go issues because a while later, he lured her into his room and tied him onto his bed for six days during which alimfanyia vitu mbaya! In the notice, the mama pleaded to her colleagues to hunt him down and beat him thoroughly because she had contracted an STD from the incident.

A while later, he was attacked in his room by a gang and seriously beaten and stabbed in the stomach and hands. His room was also burnt down.

Media houses went all verbal diarrhea on this story. Every oven cooked the facts at different temperatures and mathogothanio was reported. Find the story, add royco and pilipili hoho and throw it into prime time news. These are the same stories that parliamentarians grab and stuff in their kyondos and go to yap about in parliament. No one investigates this stuff anymore. And if Moha and Onsarigo have ‘been sent on holiday’, then the only real shit left on media are Linda Nyangweso’s Yugoslavian accent and Kanene’s hair.

If you are not going to go out of your way to bring real news on air, (na hawa editors, what exactly do they do?), tafazare, organize with your guka ukatiwe shamba Githunguri. Maybe, just maybe, you could be better there although even farming sio ya kila mtu.

Viv.
8:31
House – Keeping …
» ‎ Media Madness

Yesterday was fun, huh? NOT! We had to go offline on a weekday to sort out Disqus, you guys NEED a platform where we can easily block and delete some of the crap on the comments section.

We have to draw a line for ourselves, in Disqus, if three of you flag a comment, it will be put in moderation.

The comments today might appear ‘Wonky’ … IT is still working on it. BTW, Galis and Karucy, no one will block you, but please behave.

We’re still having issues … VIV was supposed to post, but her post is not loading in it’s entirety, so we’ll post it kesho plus Satan’s bitchfest. In the meantime, have fun on the comments section. I’m off to get a new A-HOLE thanks to KASNEB.

YEYE
November 22, 2011
6:15
Things are THICK
» ‎ Media Madness

Even with the awful weather in Nairobi, it’s getting HOT in other areas. Yesterday, a little birdie whispered to me that Moha and Dennis Onsarigo had left the country. But, KTN’s management kept insisting that Dennis and Moha had been sent on holiday ‘cause of the good work they did.

PAUSE!

Who the fuck awards a reporter an all expenses paid ‘Holiday’ ‘cause of an expose?? KTN loves shooting itself in the foot; someone might come back and say they MADE up stuff to make their expose juicy so that they get a holiday. Anyway, KTN just needs proper PR machinery, Moha and Dennis are in fact not on holiday (their spouses are still here) they’re on the run from the shit heads that run this fucking joint.

The police this morning or kesho are coming our guns blazing and they are going to ‘give’ their version of the story.

Some things make me sad, we live in a society of greedy men and women, it’s dangerous to be a rebel in this society (refuse to sit and shut up), they will try and buy your voice and if they fail, they will try and silence you.

The fact that all this is happening, just shows how powerful and well connected the drug cartels are. I even wonder if ‘they’ decide who becomes a leader in this country.

Pray for Moha and Dennis. Rebuke the government.
November 21, 2011
5:40
CCK vs Media Owners
» ‎ Media Madness

The Media Owners (Technically, most of them are media managers) and CCK are about to fight like two ladies at Kenyatta Market.

Their fight is centered on a communiqué that the CCK sent demanding that all operating broadcast houses should re-apply for their licenses by November 15. Thing is, when you re-apply FOR all the licenses you currently hold (even the un-used ones) you might LOSE! No one knows the criteria CCK is going to use to issue the new licenses.

In Kenya, most of the broadcast licenses were issued through corruption. That’s the reason politicians have their fat fingers in so many media houses. Look at RMS, the chap holds 9 radio stations. Those are hundreds of licenses since all the station are national. Not forgetting, there is a limit to the number of outlets you can own.

This is the reason radio in this country is losing its relevance. Instead of a media house concentrating on ONE brand, they’re fragmenting all over and as they try and fragment, they need new license and since politicians hold all the lucrative ones, they get into bed together. Like in the case of Homeboyz Radio, a former PS owns that frequency (The chap has shareholding (via proxy) in at least 6 radio stations) if the CCK decided to go through the paperwork, Homeboyz would lose its frequency, so would SK and half his stations. Radio Africa has three frequencies that belong to a very connected politician.

For Capital, they got lucky and dumped Mark Too (Bet you didn’t know that) Mark owned the 98.4 frequency and Linda just piggy backed on his power and influence to delay Kiss Fm’s launch. Patrick had to join hands with the Kitonny’s (who also had baba Moi’s ear) to get their license approved.

If the CCK is serious this time, they should cancel licenses of all stations that flout broadcast rules (Classic, good morning) and all the stations that are just dead air.

ION, there was drama here on Friday; I spent a few minutes on Skype with our Twitter ‘Less-be-Anne’ about the issue. It’s hilarious that y’all let the ‘Less-be-Anne’ out to hang and technically the decision to take down the post came from this end, the ‘Less-Be-Anne’ has no say, admin wise. Here’s the thing, we looked at the stats, over 17,000 unique hits to that post. Impressive. If you didn’t read it, I’m sure you’ll get it, on email.

Well, I’ll say this; expecting MM to stick to a verbal agreement is like expecting the sun to set at noon. The subject on the post just validated a few claims the writer had made. Isn’t that what MM is there for? Excite and make angry?

Since it’s a Monday, I’d like to throw a spanner in the works, I was sent this piece earlier tonight. It’s a doctor writing to Kenyan patients. She clearly GOT into the profession for money, NEVER do anything you’re not passionate about.

DS
November 18, 2011
5:33
Fraud at MSK!
» ‎ Media Madness

So last week on Friday, I took a shower (A girl gotta be clean) and took a cab (A girl should not Jav when she has on heels she can’t walk in) and made my way to the National Park for the Marketing Society Awards.

I get there and the first thing I see are badly dressed mamas and dudes who cleared borrowed clothes we last wore in 2007, I was like eer, I dressed up for this crap! I walked in to find a table FULL of brochures, from akina KTN (They gave us the day’s paper, it was 10pm) there was a brochure about some plots for sale (Syokimau anyone?) even a damn college!!

Don’t get me started about the food! The food was BEING COOKED ON SITE … at a corner huko, yaani, I felt like I was in a wedding in shags.

Marketers in this town are very bougie, they inform and direct consumption habits in this town, but the music being played was clearly NOT meant for them!!! They were playing Rhumba!!!! Of all things!!! Who did they think we were?

Enough of the awards, let’s us go to the FRAUD! MSK is usually funded by marketers, but like KUJ, it’s becoming a cesspool with all the corruption going on. The awards are NOT on merit, naah … if you sponsored a category, you WIN!!!!! Ummm, why have an award ceremony in the first place?

Every year, the awards have been a way for the society to line its pockets, tickets are 5,000 per person and from my cost analysis, the shitty food and bad venue means they spent a maximum of 1,000 per person. Where DID all the money go?? Plus all the sponsors were tied to a cash figure!

So marketers, save yourselves and cancel your membership and teach these twats a lesson.

GUEST
November 17, 2011
6:05
Bitchfest!!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Since we are in the business of making you bitches famous, I’d like to send a shout out to one Larry *crickets* *goat bleats* *acapella of jogoos crowing* Madowo. Sex appeal of a wet Naivas paper bag, focused as a fart, ego like a black hole and majoring in ass kissing around media big wigs and weaves *Disclaimer-Not inclusive of Belinda Oburas.

This cunning dodo made headlines this week as concerned KOT (Kenyans on Twitter) tried to get him laid before Armageddon by anything that isn’t a corpse. Seizing the opportunity by the balls, he proceeded to inform us of his ‘Must Watch’ show because the voices in the vacuum between his ears insist that he’s a force to be reckoned with in business journalism.

What he thinks we don’t know is the styros he uses to beg for interviews similar to those of Nicole wa Muturi then goes ahead to claim that CEOs and the likes are stalking and begging his overbite to interview them. Can someone assist him in getting help for his delusions of grandeur? When this chap is not practicing the timing of the pause between his names and taking photos at Ambassador Studios for his Twitter profile, he’s shouting at the top of the Nation Building that his Twitter account has been verified!

Please grab that Kenpoly stool and have a simmering cup of Shut the Fuck up! You need not keep reminding us that you got into the gene pool when the life guard was not looking. That Twitter verification will not add much to your incomplete CV. So I take this opportunity to congratulate you for testing positive in stupidity and drawing the audience you have always dreamed of.

Since I’m known to piss in no particular direction of the wind, I’m going to throw in my 5 bob and two Tusky’s sweets and talk about the ongoing disaster that is the Syokimau demolitions. My sincere apologies to any of your family and friends who might have lost millions, thousands or hundreds worth of property. It is never easy to watch your investments turn into dust before your eyes and it’s not your favorite episode of Kiini Macho.

Unfortunately, between the chipsing, heavy petting and pillow talk ya huko within parliament there was no whisper that reached Wavinya Ndeti’s ear of the bulldozers on their way to pay her ‘constituents’ a visit. While she was huko trying to nyanyua zehem za her guka klande people were realizing their worst nightmares.

Excuse me while I assume her sex life needs all the time and concentration but surely, it does not help much when she arrives the scene some hours after property has been reduced to rubble with threats to ngoa her weave, scratch a bitch and squirt titty juice in someone’s eye. All the same, I commend her for the excellent performance she put on seeing as she’s tied to that land in more ways than blowing her nose on TV.

I guess this should be a wake-up call to you who’s eager to buy 50K plots from that Gatanga and Associates dealer located on the side of the road who juggles between real estate and hawking second hand towels, and before some of you proceed to koroga this statement into five star Pilau Njeri may I just say that I’m not insinuating that the Syokimau victims followed this channel, I’m just saying that I have a valid title deed for the flower garden outside State House.

SATAN
November 16, 2011
8:25
Your say
» ‎ Media Madness

No sensible post today, not time as we spent time last night figuring out the right (and simplest layout)

Y’all have made noise so much about the new layout, we had to work overnight. We will take down Intense and replace it with the native word press platform. Disqus will be loaded over the weekend.

Disqus takes time to load, but since we’re on bigger servers, the loading time will be sliced by at least 90%

Since some of you bitch about posts … let us see how good you are at generating your own content.

Have a nice day y’all … yes, this sounds like an open post.
November 15, 2011
6:15
STFU!
» ‎ Media Madness

Alex Chamwada irritates me! Alex used to be a star when he was at KTN, then he moved to Citizen a few years back and became a features editor! Dude became a jester! His features are utter garbage, it’s like he left all his brains at KTN, currently, he’s running a feature that went overboard with pedestrian analysis. He was comparing American politicians with Kenyan ones. Eeer, we don’t have politicians in Kenya, we have thieves!!!! Alex has a loyal following, in shags, they take his crap hook line and sinker!

Someone PLEASE STOP HIM! Another lot that’s being very pedestrian is the lot that is covering the war (Stop laughing) in Somalia. Yaani, even with at least 15 Kenyan journalists, our media outlets are still running with military press releases. The military has them all by the balls; no one is asking the hard questions. How much is this war gonna cost us? How many soldiers have been hurt or (knock on wood) dead, cause they are NOT invisible and with all the action we ‘hear’ is happening, it’s a bit suspect that Kenyan has only had 5 soldiers injured.

Who signed off the war? Was it necessary? Time lines? When do we pull out? I’m not an expert, but it’s taken quite some time for our soldiers to get to Kismayu, unless they’re peddling there.

Is the media being gagged? I wouldn’t be surprised, I mean there was a story (Read it here) that was hushed hushed.
November 14, 2011
6:15
Bringing it, to the DOOR!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Naspers has gone and started a Kenyan news website! Kenya.news24.com . Theywant to go head to head with NMG and The Standard group, but they’re not a news aggregator, they’re looking to populate their website with high-end (and fresh commentary on everything Kenyan) plus the usual news.

Naspers are aggressive as fuck when it comes to digital media. If you didn’t know, Naspers owns Multi-Choice, DealFish, Mocality and of course they own the True Love and Drum franchises. When it comes to digital media, their strategy is simple, divide and conquer them bitches. They are not looking to turn a profit on the new venture for at least 3 years, but within two years that website will be the shit and urine! Trust me!! First, they’ll roll out an awareness campaign that will flood every little corner you visit on the internet with their banner ads.

See what they did with Mocality and DealFish? Every corner on the web (even here), there’s an ad about the websites. Dealfish is in the top 20 most visited websites in the country and it’s just a fucking directory! Now think what they can do with a website with ACTUAL tangible CONTENT?!

Content is king and I laughed till I let out a wet one when I read about the blogger’s event at Naivasha, see, I couldn’t go, I’ve only been doing this for a few weeks, but I felt for the kids who went there and sat through lessons on how to make their blogs commercial, how are you making an empty shell commercial? First, build your fucking content and audience, then try and make that audience into tangible $$.

New24 will win if they concentrate on generating tangible quality content for the Kenyan market, they might capitalize on the fact that they’re not on print and so they don’t have the risk of pre-empting the next day’s print edition. So they might be running news stories before it hits print the next day.

ION, I remember an interesting discussion on the previous site, where people were talking about Syokimau. I hope you’ve seen what those big ass CAT machines did to the illegally put up bungalows. Be smart, read up on property before you sink your ‘Ka-bank’ loan into clay soil. (See what I just did there? I’m a fucking genius)

Carry on.

DS.
November 11, 2011
6:25
Take me back … aki woishe.
» ‎ Media Madness

Story time! My worst experience as an adult was begging my ex to take me back. I treated her like garbage ‘cause I was eyeing another bish. Well, that bish was not interested in me and I had by that time burned my bridges with my girl and scattered the ashes in a ndoo! One night, I was lonely and I realized I was wrong, I begged begged and begged, but she said no.

Remember Muthoni Bwika? For those who have no idea who she is, she was THE BEST talent Kenyan Radio ever had!! She started as a receptionist at Capital, back then receptionists at Capital had ambition, these days, they major in arrogance, flirtation and cheap weaves. Moving on, she started as a receptionist, then got a gig on Capital. She then moved to Nation Fm (Now Easy Fm) and my friends! I even risked suspension by having a Palito radio with me during prep time in Form 2! She was VERY VERY good!!! Her show was rated number one! She had fikad! She shocked everyone when she joined Kiss FM.

It worked for her for a while, she and Kajairo had the funniest show in the afternoon, then she was moved to late night and things started getting thick for her. She was a bit eer arrogant and would not listen to anyone, why would she? She was MUTHONI BWIKA! Then she was FIRED! And she told everyone, they’d call her and beg her to come back because she was MUTHONI BWIKA (They never called her back)

Years later, with a few failed comebacks in her CV, she’s now calling Radio Africa and begging to be taken back, like me, she thought she would get a better gig, she failed in all the gigs she got. She messed up Y Fm (a good one!), she couldn’t hack Capital AGAIN! She tried to start a dancing school, that failed and now she thinks she can hack radio. Girl, take a seat.

If she was ever to come back, she’d fail. Here’s the thing, the people that USED to worship her (me and my pals) are no longer ‘Teens’, our minds and interests have shifted. She can’t appeal or even connect with the current ‘Teens’ cause they’re smarter and they HATE HATE ‘Old’ people who try to sound young.

Babes, if you’re reading this, start a nice restaurant (girl can cook), settle down, radio is pure shit, you might just be asking for another failure on your CV by begging to be taken back on radio.

DS
November 10, 2011
8:58
It’s NOT gonna happen!
» ‎ Media Madness

First of all, ummm I feel like I’m in my kid’s room … STARS?!!! Lawd *Tension headache* this look MUST GO!!!! Or else, I’ll nitatoa nguo!!! I can’t get over the stars on the top …. JESUS!!! My kid would love it here.

So, the last time we heard about Louis Otieno, he was busy getting his ego inflated at Harambee Avenue, after he was ‘Crowned’ (appointed doesn’t work with him) the PM’s spokesman. See, I put ‘Crowned’ in ” … why? Well, the PM’s office has never officially sent out a statement about his appointment.

Louis is doing well for himself, he even got himself a bigger car with loots of space for him and his ego. He’s now rolling in a Range Rover Sport – Super Charged, he traded his VX in at ummm sitasema.

Back to the story, sources tells me (That is not a typo) that Louis won’t even get the JOB!!! He think he’s IN .. but Rao is trying soo hard (and failing) to be multi-ethnic and the post will most likely go to a Meru chap (No guess work there). Poor Louis … politics is a BITCH!

Another thing that won’t happen, Nick Ndeda on Kiss FM. It seems Nick got a bit of verbal diarrhea by claiming he was moving to Kiss, before they even GAVE him the job. Yes, he did meet the head honchos but no one promised him the job, but he went ahead and quit HOT!!!

And finally, here’s a gem from Passion Magazine.

http://twitpic.com/7cn071 [Just click through, yaani I can't even fucking upload images]

Clay Muganda quit the magazine and is heading to ummm is TZ green? Anyway, he might be going to TZ to head one of NMG’s outfit. That is not

YEYE
8:10
Mapambano, mapambano.
» ‎ Media Madness

It seems like little worms have crept up university lecturers’ heads. How else do you explain how a professor would take to the road singing MAPAMBANO? I must admit that as far as strikes go, this one pales in comparison to others.

They are learning tactics from their students, slowly but surely. Diplomacy anyone? I am not against the action, but who would think that a lecturer would use the same tactics as his/her student to get their point across? After God knows how long, cruising through your undergraduate degree, Masters, doctorate,…these people still behave like their undergraduate students ? Is education doing us any good? If lecturers are on Thika road swinging twigs and banners on top of their heads when they are supposed to be issuing examinations to their students, we are clearly not headed in the right direction.

Demonstrations are for the uncivilized and furiously fit. If a teargas canister is thrown at you and all you can think of is Newton’s third law of motion, you are probably at the wrong place, at the wrong time.

In other news, Jomo Kenyatta International Airport is on CNN’s list of world’s worst airports. Who is surprised? No one! Its the best airport here, because we have gotten used to mediocre services. Flights are delayed and cancelled every day, rude staff fly around the terminals like paper airplanes and the washrooms could always be better, but I am not complaining. We have seen worse. Now, before you accuse me of bad press, go and stand at a terminus for an hour waiting for your flight and see how you like that.

VIV
November 09, 2011
6:15
Bitchfest!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Bus rides have become the latest terror in my life now that preaching maji ya mtaro and drinking keg ya juzi is the trend these days.

It is too much for my black heart! Every day I encounter these babbling idiots who walk around like they can shuta lightning on all ‘sinners’ and part Nairobi River ki-Moses. What exactly is it with preaching in this voice that is a mix of Pumwani labour pain and six ghetto kittens clawing your balls? Just whose vagina did you fall from? Nkt! Jumping into the bus and shrieking “Shetani ashindwe” when I’m innocently going through tweets from Rosemisstaylor (classic case of room temperature IQ that one)

Wait! Nashindwa on what grounds? Bradeh facken! The day has just began, give me time to be creative.

These characters start by forecasting the burning sulphur of Sodom and Gomorrah if you do not reach that sinning hand into your pocket and plant a seed and no, it’s not the one you planted in that sevensepefunga over the weekend. So blah blah blah fungueni sura nini nini blah blah and after an excruciating 10 or so minutes they walk off with your ngwaci-sturungi monies for lunch so as to expunge your record up above. As if it’s not enough there are the ones who corner you at work with testimonies and give the evil eye when you discuss the weekend conquests or the new intern who seems to have some arising (no typo) telepathic power over the nether regions. These holier than thou characters can’t wait to scream “Hallelujah” in the day and at sundown run into their crevices and ride their pastors like an equestrian on a Rongai mule. Then cum hehe cum *waves at KCB group* Sunday want to place their hands on you to expel the work of daimonis from the bottom of Lake Victoria rudisha madiaba na flat iron weave Tahiti! What the fuck?

Then come these ninjas for herbal medicine and other paraphernalia “Iii ni ndawa ya oma tunahita Kristo mendho” They come fully armed in suits and photocopied business cards reading Dr. Munyao Mbithi PhD. PhD Mike’s fruity ass (shout out bro…err…girlfriend…never mind) then they whip up the pills that eliminate the ‘mashida za kiume’ and all the women in the bus start to giggle and dart their eyes across the bus to see who has been performing like a snail on sleeping pills.

“Hina nyanyua io zehem kama msalamba” Aiiiiii and that is the point at which I would rather alight from the window, etiquette anyone? Nyanyua kama msalaba? Why don’t we go ahead and talk about vile italipua mbegu kama guruneti. These people know no bounds, the more they see you squirm the more they throw in words like fimbo kuu, mlingoti ya bwana, bakora ya mapenzi etc Some of you are so sexually frustrated, kwani bei ya Vazelinn ilipanda na dollar?

Take a deep breath and compose your defective jizz shooting instruments!

SATAN
November 08, 2011
6:26
SIT DOWN!
» ‎ Media Madness

Apologies for the mess that went down on the site yesterday, our hosts didn’t expect the site to get such crazy hits. They even suspended us at one point. We’re now okay. The comments section is still being worked on. IT is still patching Disqus (with mobile commenting). For now, I understand the comments are showing from the newest to the oldest. About the time issue …. Um, ata hiyo mimi sielewi.

KTN practically owns the ‘Airwaves’ with their series … which I realized yesterday was called the ‘Untouchables’ or something to that effect. Like I said yesterday, it takes balls to go on air and make all those accusations and insinuations with just oral evidence. If you’d read the Wikileaks cables in details. The US embassy had more ‘Mushene’ on who runs this bish, mushene that KTN used for their ‘Expose’.

But (This is where we kosana with y’all) the story is half baked and as some legal lady told me yesterday, it’s a brilliant narrative, but narratives don’t win cases, facts do. Away from that, the exposure the story was giving Moha and Co was bound to get to his head.

Yesterday morning we woke up to find that the Standard Group’s Youtube page had been terminated. KTN and their journalists (especially on Twitter) went on overdrive, I was also questioning the ‘termination’ but since I’m level headed, I chose to ask the right people the right questions. Why would Youtube delete KTN’s account? Is Jicho Pevu that ‘Hard hitting’?

Before I answer my own question, I’d like to remind Moha that his story is not exactly ‘BIIIG’ as he’d like to believe, spend more time on Youtube and you will see some crazy conspiracy theories about governments around the world and Youtube has never taken them down. Secondly, we give our government too much credit; this is YOUTUBE, not Media Madness. Youtube is not a platform governments around the world can control.

Anyway … why was the Youtube page deleted? Well, KTN has been violating copyrights by uploading material that contained copyrighted material (that they hadn’t paid for) they were given a termination notice TWO WEEKS AGO! Yes, for two weeks they knew their page was going down the drain, but since they’re such fame whores, they chose to ‘leave out’ the bit about them being warned about the termination.

They posted the video on their website (to show Youtube, we don’t need you) the video could not play cause of the amount of traffic the site was getting.

Even Citizen TV lost its first Youtube account for copyright violations. Now, if a media house can’t

1. Respect copyrights

2. Come out and tell the truth about something as simple as a terminated page on Youtube

Why should I trust them to ALWAYS tell me the truth?

YEYE
November 07, 2011
5:45
Werrocam!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Welcome to the suburbs! The Croissants and Ginger tea are to the left. As you can see, our new home is bare and quite spacious! My kitchen is almost done, sufuria na ni kubwa na ufuta na otungu ziko mingi!

There are few things still being tweaked, but those things shouldn’t worry you.

As you can see, we went with a VERY VERY bare look and larger fonts. As for the comments section, we’re still migrating Disqus, but for now, the comments platform is sitting on the local CMS (I was told to say that, no idea what it means)

For those who read MM and get ulcers, please go and get medication, ulcers bado utapata, but instead of issuing threats, I suggest you first read our disclaimer and T&C . Our legal team recommends this.

For the community, welcome!! I’d like to make a suggestion, to avoid ‘Username’ Jacking, please get a wordpress account with your ‘Username’. With a wordpress account, you can customize your avatar and ensure no one comes here and impersonates you. Au sio?

On to the day’s dish!

For the last two days, KTN has been running an investigative series on the ‘pharmacy’ industry. It was loooooong, my goodness!!! I couldn’t stand the Swahili one at all!! BTW, why the fuck do they insist on using such ngumu swa words?! Who are you trying to impress???

The story didn’t have eeer ground breaking new facts, BUT, I applaud Moha and Dennis for having the balls to start the conversation. I mean, extra judicial killings are things we already knew about, but we rarely see it discussed the way it was done jana.

Our country is fucked up, when Ms. Linda Holt was arrested in Mombasa with a tiny tiny amount of fairy dust; she was brought to Nairobi and was about to be locked up for a long time. My friends, this is when you realize that pharmacists runs this bitch called Kenya. She was framed, to be taught a lesson … whispers from the shady corners of Malindi say she might have crossed a few dark lines and these forces were out to teach her a lesson.

Moha and Dennis will definitely make folks start to openly talk and maybe JUST maybe a few heads will roll. In their piece jana, they made subtle reference to a very powerful activist (Karucy, usito weave, priss).

Going forward, I expect civil suits, threats and statements to be made ‘cause THIS IS KENYA na ina WENYEWE. But for how long??? Once the veil is off … there is nothing they can do …
November 06, 2011
13:59
Change is good…Media Madness gets a facelift and new content roadmap
» ‎ Media Madness

So…. we have just flipped the switch on MediaMadness {the time now is 11:59 pm}, a cleaner, less cluttered, faster loading look and with a great content road map to boot. The team at MM is excited about the changes and we count on your support to take the readership, discussions and community to the next level. The Madness continues and will be spread to a number of new content channels that you will enjoy reading and giving your 2 cents to. There may be afew kinks as the new platform gets used to you guys and we will tweak those as they emerge.

Here’s to us the MM community! Tunawapenda wo!
November 04, 2011
7:00
Ni Kuhama!
» ‎ Media Madness

The transfer window for ‘Media Personalities’ (That line should be taken with a good serving of Osuga) is still open, the window at KTN is still wide open as anchors try and leave the station.

Swahili Anchor Mwanaisha has been in talks with NTV, but sources close to her indicate, she would rather eat grass that go there, the only reason she’s talking to them is cause if she gets an offer letter, she can wave it around and she will get more money. Chick’s expenses are all over, raising two kids and hating Cecilia is quite pricey.

Another one rumoured to leave the station is the Swahili anchor, Mazo … but he’s being fungiwad jicho by Al JAzeera, he’s also an editor on Radio Maisha and though he seems comfortable, it seems his current boss might be the reason he leaves. His boss Kizito, has been stressing him by micro-managing everything, such an insecure bish.

Erick Njoka, who joined KTN after K34 fired him for appearing on a Radio Maisha TV ad also quit the station this week. He’s heading to CCTV, in a typical bish move, he said he does’t like being ‘shouted at’ and being created like ‘crap’ … he should buy a new att (and accent) with the 200k he’s getting ‘cause half the bosses who were stressing him are now at CCTV.

Weeeee Moi Avenue Coutoure

Lastly, a star anchor at KTN is now a team player since she stopped giving briefs in bed … since she kosanad with her boss/fuck buddy, she’s been a lot calmer and is actually talking to the rest of the newsroom. She now has to actually work for the money.
November 03, 2011
9:29
Socail media can be a bitch.
» ‎ Media Madness

The people that make your life on any social network unbearable either constantly express their undying love for their significant other(WE DON’T FUCKING CARE),or; are annoying #actualexperts or; are just plain stupid. Do not follow them. Do not add them. You will thank me later.

I am in a hate-hate relationship with love-y dove-y, I-love-how-you-smile-when-I hug-you, last-night-was-legendary mapenzi on social media. Direct message anyone? Inbox please? Durama almost always ensues after the love birds break up (I hate birds). Hate speech starts flying around in khaki shorts and matching socks and hard feelings eternally hover above our timelines! KILL ME NOW!!!!!

No one gets on people’s sorry nerves than social media know-it-alls. That one guy on your timeline who always has some new and improved ‘superior’ explanation to any phenomena on earth. They give baseless facts on the global economic crisis, Libya, Mama Maina’s luminous green skirt…what in fucking hell? They hate to be corrected, take every single crawling worm seriously and they are the one person who cannot get along with anyone. Oh flying Neanderthals! Row after row, fist fight after fist fight! Kindly sit your ass down at a very quiet corner and solve your issues!

People whose statuses/tweets answer the question, “What garbage are you churning today?” Eeeeeeeeeer, that shit you have been shoveling since the ass crack of dawn is what is on your mind? See you in hell! They make you chew on your tongue and slit your wrists as you plot on how to throw them off a blog cliff.

In other news, Pauline Wanjiru Mbugua a.k.a ‘Dere supa’, co- hosts and produces “Canoka” on Coro FM at 10 a.m. to 1 p.m., Monday- Friday. Wanjiru suffers Congenital Heart Condition and is scheduled to undergo an open-heart surgery in India 11th Nov 2011. Her family is holding a funds drive. Click here to know how you can help.
November 02, 2011
5:36
Kutafuna Meno.
» ‎ Media Madness

The words ‘Open Post’ have been banned in the suburbs …. Wednesdays will be user generated posts. They will be pulled from the emails you guys send. To send your ‘Kutafuna meno’ rant … email rants@mm.co.ke

Here’s today’s reader tafunaing his meno lol

So, the good folks at Production Republic started a film contest to reward creativity in Kenya. The contest is unique as all you need is a camera enabled cell phone. There’s a 50,000 bob cash prize for the winner. This is a step in the right direction as it can also be used to find creative talent outside the ‘established’ industry.

One problem, though. As of this moment, no video that shows effort, let alone creativity, has been entered. It seems everyone just read about the cash prize and entered the first video they found on their phones. I don’t know how a video of a chick starting a motorbike is supposed to be creative.

But maybe the people who are capable of making something decent haven’t heard about the competition, yet. I hope that’s the case because I’ll be disappointed if no one can do this better. And then we’ll be the same people who’ll complain about shows like Inspekta Mwala on air. All they need is less than three minutes of creativity. I’ve been following the competition since it started and two weeks before the deadline none of the videos show if any effort was put into it at all.

As if it couldn’t get any worse, someone is soliciting votes by convincing people that she will use the money to help someone http://www.savvykenya.com/2011/10/i-need-your-help-3/ I read the story and it’s sad, I agree. I will be more than happy to donate to the cause. I just don’t think it should be used to hijack the competition. I feel that if the entrant feels passionate enough about helping the individual, they should channel it into creativity, make something decent and enter it. If she feels strongly enough about the case, it’s within her means to work for it. Not just submit anything and ask for help. I don’t think a creative competition should come down to a sob story. I can sacrifice cash for the cause but not a vote when there could be someone more deserving.

I hope they find a way to help the guy, and I also hope better videos will be added and a deserving winner is picked as the competition closes.
November 01, 2011
7:24
Rae in – JANICE OUT!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Oh men! Here I was thinking that the bitch fights and the back stabbings at Capital had died down after the leader of the bunch, Eve was walked to the elevator. Now, as you all know, there is a lady called Rae hosting the breakfast show with Chris Foot. Soraiya Shah (Rae) was ONCE on Capital in the morning and it was a total train wreck!!! It was the worst show ever, she used to host the show with Gaetano and they sounded like a couple who ONLY do it missionary, boring as Fuck!

Now, Rae was sitting in for Janice and after week one ran to management and TOLD them about the thousands of people (in her head) who are saying that she and Chris Foot are a match made in radio heaven.

Management listened and they’ve given her the breakfast SPOT permanently!!! At this point I have to ask, does Somo ever use her brain for some of these decisions?? Chick seems to be groping in the dark! Not to say Janice was a good host, I mean she was a bit butter brained, saying things like ‘Lower Hyphen’ but replacing her with Rae is just hitting the bottom of the barrel and tearing it apart! Rae is annoyiNG, she sounds like she has a cold every time and it’s like she’s about to pull in her snort (vomits) she’s very nasal, WTF is a SOOR-NG?!!!! Really?

Is Capital’s breakfast a good morning show? It used to be when Chris was a rookie and now he just LOVES the sound of his own voice, true, he’s smart as fuck, but boss … this is not a Land Owners Association AGM, go easy on the rhetoric and yes, we know you’re smart, you don’t have to do 7 minute links to remind us how WIDELY travelled you are!

They’re still not sure what Janice should be doing, she can run Capital Kids.

ION, I just love girls who are on TV for a hot minute and they think they’re the good Lord’s gift to our poor souls. First a poll, HANDS up if you know who Sophia Wanuna is. Okay, three hands, I’ll assume your TV only shikas K24, she’s an anchor there, but chick needs to get off that dick and smell the coffee … her ego has been stroked a few times on Twitter with people saying she’s hot … so I decided to check her out, I’m sorry, but make-up does not make you hot, especially after you clearly look like a graduate from Marangi’s college. You’ve learnt how to apply base coat, and all the other coats and you’re a pro at filling cracks.

She did call me shallow once (I should never use that Twitter account) for calling her out when she did a story about how to survive a grenade attack. Her story was a pile of hot shit and then some! Who has time to do all those stunts before a grenade explodes??? BULLSHIT!

IOON, the Helicopter Ministries chap was busted with his second wife. Dude has probably sampled the whole choir. SMDH.
October 31, 2011
6:52
Magnate – a bit broke-N
» ‎ Media Madness

The Magnate is a show running on KBC every Thursday from 8.30pm. It didn’t air on the 20^th of October as it was planned because they hadn’t locked DOWN all the ‘Cast’ Yes, a week before they went on air.

MMNjug watched the show and here is his review.

The show is seeking to award 1.5M to the person with the best business idea. Their plan, get as many people with business ideas in front of their judges [how they are qualified to judge is beyond me] then hear them out on the various business ideas they have, ask them questions and then group them into 2 groups. As time goes by, they are whittled down depending on the lameness of their ideas and the finalist wins Kes1.5M as seed capital for a business.

From minute one, I could see this was a camera copy of ABC’s Shark Tank! Then the drama began

An Indian chaps begins by asking the judges ‘I don’t know if any of you has even been to India’ EEEH SO?? What was his idea? Something about Indian Celebration, I didn’t quite get what it was cause his arrogance was all over the screen like Kalekye on a 21 piecer. The judges seem to be changed as per the contestant. Their seats look like they were borrowed from a Cathedral for the Bishop.

Next up, was a lady whose plan is to open an Exhibition … A BOTOX Exhibition!!!! iWept!

Another one wants to start delivering groceries to homes and offices instead of guys going to the market. If I don’t want to go to the market, my friend … my bish will do that for me, plus who wants nyanyas and warus delivered to their office? FOCUS. The judges asked another contestant the oddest job he had ever done. This contestant claimed to have been in AmeREEKa, and he was a janitor or something like that.

There was one ambitious chap who claimed he could sell water to wells and cash to banks. o_O! Shock on me!

There was a car-hire business owner who seemed more serious when he said he would use the Kes1.5M cash prize to service his loan that was more like it. A lady who brought the Pretty Pink business idea was asked the Craziest thing she had done, she said she went to Mexico from US with a pal with only $5 between them, I wouldn’t judge a sister, but how did she pay for errthang on the way? Another lady was asked by the judges where she would see herself in 2yrs time, DRIVING! No comment!

Then the last guy came to show us some socks, yes pairs of socks which were embroidered! His argument ‘ there are not found anywhere else apart from Nairobi! Has this chap being to Kinangop??? Nairobi is deficient in business ideas … aih!

My opinion is that Magnate isn’t a bad idea, it’s a good one considering that SME’s are the backbone of any growing economy. Problem is that they are going about it the wrong way starting with the judges! You can’t use employed blokes and lasses to judge entrepreneurs it’s like using a butcher to supervise bread baking! CFC should have approached guys like Chris Kirubi, Makatiani or SK Macharia. Guys who ventured on their own (Take this statement with a bucket of salt) and made it!

The show is shot by De Capture.
October 28, 2011
5:38
Open Post!!
» ‎ Media Madness

On a freaking Friday! It’s possible. Some truths now, this week there has been less blogging, because I’ve been heavily medicated, today it’s not so bad, but I’ll be done with everything Saturday evening and hopefully have the energy to be a cunt on Monday.

Two, yes, we have new owners, they have been around since August (see no big difference) the domain name is the only thing that will change to reflect the new owners.

Away from all that nonsense, y’all have seen the Kenyans For Kenya audit … right? Check it out here I don’t have a problem with the numbers …. the fact that 60,000 kids were fed with Unimix that had Aflotoxin is just FUCKED UP! I don’t care if it’s minimal, DUDE, you SOLD bad food. End of story, when you recall food that is already in someone’s stomach, what do you want them to do? Take a dump in a bag and deliver it you?

Like with all stories, this one will die by Friday 4pm. The company responsible to this has links to the ‘Pree-See-Dent’ enough said.
October 27, 2011
6:54
Operation linda nchi.
» ‎ Media Madness

I stumbled upon this excerpt from John Lee Anderson’s 2009 Letter from Mogadishu, “The Most Failed State, in the article ‘Somalia in Fact and Fiction’ posted by Jon Michaud on one of the ‘The New Yorker’ blogs- Back Issues, on December 6, 2010.

The Shabaab (the name means “the youth”) has ties to Al Qaeda, and in the areas it controls—most of the southern part of the country, including a large swath of Mogadishu—it has imposed its own harsh form of Sharia, or Islamic law, with punishments such as public flogging, stoning, and amputation. Last year, in the port of Kismayo, a young girl accused of adultery was buried up to her neck in the field of a soccer stadium packed with spectators, and then stoned to death; her family said that she was only thirteen years old and had in fact been gang-raped. This summer, in the ancient coastal town of Merka, the Shabaab decreed that gold and silver dental fillings were un-Islamic, and dispatched patrols to yank them out of people’s mouths….
Read more http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/backissues/2010/12/somalia-in-fact-and-fiction.html#ixzz1bxHL7L9o …..And our homeland of Kenya
Heritage of splendour
Firm may we stand to defend.
October 25, 2011
7:18
Stupid at work.
» ‎ Media Madness

Yesterday was a bad day for journalists …. most of them were caught with their pants down (gotta shag for that job) and in the rush to report what was going on, they stumbled and broke a few rules.

Let’s start with the Mwaura ‘Explosion’, as early as 8 Am KTN and NMG were insisting that TWO people had DIED from that explosion! They kept pushing this bit of news to their social media profiles, of course in an effort to get re-tweets and shit, in an effort to be the first … with the wrong INFO! Capital Fm, a small radio station (in terms of the size of its news team) was the only outlet on the web that chose to VERIFY info and stick to the ’12 injured, and 2 are critical’ story.

As we all know, no one died. Then at around 8pm another explosion was reported near St. Peters Clavers, this time Citizen TV chose to go all out on us in an effort to be number one in the news. Within an hour, they had aired a list ‘Of places to avoid’ a list that was circulating earlier on the web, the LIST was not from the POLICE or any authority. These fuckers just caused panic, by even naming NAMES!!!! WTF?

That is not even being irresponsible, it’s just being plain shit brained! Will these businesses even recover from your mistakes?? We’re all living in fear and congratulations, you’ve just helped whoever is throwing the grenades spread it further.
October 24, 2011
5:18
Open Post
» ‎ Media Madness

Hope everyone had a brilliant weekend.

A few news items I picked up from the weekend THIS ONE and this ONE from early Monday morning.

Be safe y’all.
October 21, 2011
6:39
What do you use social media for?
» ‎ Media Madness
Words by @Njerimaina

Many users of social media say it is a powerful tool of communication but not many can attest to how it has changed their lives. I can. Monday 10^th October, after 5pm I sent @MediaMK a tweet asking him what kind of blog post he wanted from me to write for his site. At the moment, life was good, I was happy. 6pm, I get a call from my family friend that my brother Mark was missing; the caller was calm not worried. 7pm, the call came from him again, in panic. Mark couldn’t be found, he didn’t go to work, and his phones were off. I broke down, worried about my last born brother, our 3^rd born. I love him so much and would not imagine him harmed.

The search started, from hospitals, to the police station to his house. My parents, our friends, relatives and I all aged from the stress and crying since we could not find him. Finally we slept. My sleep ended three hours later, at 4am, I was convinced there was somewhere else to search. 6am I sent a tweet to @MediaMK asking him to tweet about my search for Mark. My soul was in pain. I felt like someone stepped on it. The tweets started with various trends such as #FindMarkMuturi. Facebook was also used as our searching tool for Mark.

Back to the police station and other places as my family, friends and I, hoped he had been arrested. Our souls hurt. Lucky for me, Research in Motion was having technical problems in various continents, so I didn’t have access to the internet to find out if anyone had found him. I say lucky for me because as the day went on, the search trend changed from #FindMarkMuturi to #RIPMarkMuturi and I had no clue. We were still searching for him, hoping maybe a kidnapper would call us and ask for ransom, then release him. At that moment, you are desperate for any sign of him, alive. But later, the truth found us and broke us. He had been murdered. He will never call me again, tweet me back as I tweet a hip hop rhyme, bully me, nothing, he is gone. Taken away from us in a cruel manner.

You never want to go through the pain we went through; from searching for Mark to finding out he was murdered. The pain cannot be explained.

But this is how social media played an important role in my life.
1. Many of our family friends came to share the pain and hurt after finding out from Twitter and FB that Mark had been murdered.
2. I used Facebook to share about Mark’s death; maybe it was one way to heal a small part of my crushed soul. And I used facebook to curse those who killed him; yes I cursed them to their death just like Cain was cursed in the bible. And don’t try to judge me for cursing them, until you step into my shoes, and feel the pain of having your loving baby brother murdered.
3. People who were touched by this search wrote beautiful blogs about him @Aka3cb. People who did not know him or me. My father read these blogs and he was very touched. Blogs that I responded to, thanking their owners for the comforting words.
4. Members of the media found this information via social media and contacted us through socialmedia seeking information on his death.
5. KTN had a feature on him and insecurity in clubs stating how social media was used to search for him. Other media houses are also working on various features related to this issue.
6. Some members of staff who are based in Barclays (UK) located me on social media to condole me because Mark worked there.
7. I finally met some of my tweet mates, as they came physically to comfort me.
Nobody deserves to die how he died. Nobody should blame his friends for leaving him. We should focus on using social media to eradicate this vice. He went to Sailors to have a drink and an unknown girl joined him. Then the cookie crumbled. We do not know what transpired and we should not be the judge of that. What is my point?
1. Nightlife is dangerous in Kenya. Especially Nairobi. Why? There are men and women who specialize in lacing their victim’s drinks with drugs for material purposes. Others prefer to use other methods to lure victims, leading to their deaths. As i write this, I know of a young man who is in hospital after his drink was laced at Sailors.
2. The same way social media was used to show concern for Mark during his search, to share condolences and comfort to my family and friends when we learnt of his murder, should be used to end this vice. Many young men and women are losing their lives in painful ways. That’s my challenge to all of us who use social media. Use it for the good of others, to create social awareness. I want to save a life of at least one person, who may not know of how drinks are laced or how women and men go to clubs with a vicious mission that could lead to their murders.
3. Social media can be used to influence the Pharmaceutical Board and the Health Ministry to implement regulations that will control this situation. These drugs are bought over the counter. Why? Why should people be able to access such drugs, easily?
Now ask yourself, how are you using social media? To break somebody, strengthen somebody; change your environment, save a life? I want to protect somebody out there and save a life. I don’t want anybody to mourn like my family has mourned.

Thanks a lot for letting me write this blog, it’s helped my soul.
October 20, 2011
8:19
Annoying.org
» ‎ Media Madness

Behold, this month’s list of annoying things that absolutely drive us up The Great Wall of China while yanking out our eyelashes. Like, seriously.

1. Cancer
Cancer blows harder than the Sabina Joy employee of the month in sharp steel grills. It’s definitely that bad. So many lives lost, pain, the suffering and turmoil, all thanks to this bitch. 11 days to the end of breast cancer awareness month…be with the world, get you boobs checked. Just do it!

2. Carol Mutoko
So, Carol and her chronic verbal diarrhoea were out this week. Carol said, on radio, that the JKUAT Karen students who were ran over by a reckless driver while crossing the highway deserved to die. What kind of fuckity fuckery is that? Deserve to die? Because they, like many other Kenyans have learnt to survive on our traffic lights and zebra crossings-less roads? I honestly thought this mama would finally start sensible speech after becoming a mother but clearly, she is pms-ing more and pushing relevance further down Mukuru kwa Reuben drainage systems.

3. Molo milk
I’ve gone to a canteen and asked for Molo Milk(usiseme maziwa sema ng’ombe) and believe me Mama Kimondo had no idea what I was going on about. “Hiyo ni gani? Kuna KCC, Daima na Fresha. Hiyo ingine hakuna.” Daima- Sameer Agricultural Division, was launched the other day, with less exaggeratedly bogus advertising and now it is almost a household brand. Do advertisers ever learn?

Great Mashujaa day. It wasn’t only about Mzee Jomo Kenyatta, he was part of a larger group, The Kapenguria 6. We celebrate our heroes.
October 19, 2011
6:05
Who was cooking?
» ‎ Media Madness

A few weeks ago, I sat here and presented the ‘Latest’ Synovate media monitoring data. The data, ‘Terros’ you which media outlet is doing well where and when.

Days after I released the data, Synovate recalled the data and made me and so many others look bad.

There has always been durama when it comes to Synovate data. Politicians, media owners even bloggers have accused them of being ambitious in the kitchen, in a few instances guys have seen Royco and Hoho added to make a mean ass diarrhea inducing report.

Last year, Radio Africa threatened to PULL out of KARF’s coverage after they realized that Radio ‘Cirryzen’ was getting very weird spikes in their audiences.

For a long time we used to fault Synovate, but we forgot that Synovate has those people on the ground that collect their data for them. They are called ‘Diary keepers’ these are the folks that have been cooking data with stoves in random estates all over Kenya. This is what happens when you pay peanuts, you get monkeys, monkeys who will take peanuts from anyone to make a large pile of peanuts.

When Synovate cancelled their data, rumours started flying around … media owners started asking each other ‘Nani marikutiriwo’ makiiba? Initially, RMS was suspect number one … but after a while they were off the spotlight, Radio Africa was another suspect, but their muthungu would rather burn money that bribe someone. Sadly, Milele FM is IT! That’s some sad shit, the station actually DOES well!

Fine, advertisers will come to you ‘cause of your numbers … but what happens when those numbers don’t translate to ANYTHING for the advertiser? Milele FM … shame on you!!! Paying off diary keepers to look good!! FUCK!

ION, French Firm IPSOS has bought out Synovate, making IPSOS the second largest research firm in the world! You know what that means … a bigger kitchen from IKEA
October 18, 2011
5:55
Bitchfest!
» ‎ Media Madness

Being creative is one of those things; you either got it or NOTHING! That’s why we have people like Wrong Number (Get well bro, we miss you) who can write pieces like Dear Diary and then we have people like me who can’t even tell a class one joke.

What’s worse is those who TRY so hard to be creative, we go on blogs and leave ‘witty’ comments and they’re so bad, people just AVOID them and you console yourself by saying ‘My joke was too smart’ no, it was soo dumb we silently prayed for you.

Onto bitchfest! The gava directed our media stations to at least have 40% of their content from the local market. My friend, this is where the fuckery starts, the media outlets are running around like headless kukus and they’re feeding us horse shit! Let’s look at Kiss TV’s ‘The Kwaya’ yeah, kwanza that name … how DUMB/LAME do you have to be to spell ‘Choir’ as ‘Kwaya’? Clearly, you missed the creativity stop by a mile or two! If y’all remember Citizen TV were in the process of having their own choir sing offs, ata KBC, even GBS! See, creativity is ummm MIZZING!

Back to the Kwaya, here is their LOGO

Why do people still insist on using Word art and MS Paint to make logos??? The fuck?

Moving on, yesterday, someone posted a video of a show called Africans Abroad. It stars Rachel Marete, she was Miss Universe Kenya. Rachel reads this website (who doesn’t?) and she penned an open post one day for us, but you guys TORE her a new one with your awful comments about how bad it is. Her promo is what a train wreck or Nicole’s sex life looks like.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnqi1QhSDm0

It has more weaves, fake nails and fake accents than Naivas Tom Mboya. I thought the show would be shot out and about ‘Amehreeka’ … I was wrong, it’s shot in a studio or what looks like remnants of a studio. The backdrops look like they were done for a play for Tinganga High school. SUCH a mess! This is where we tell Rachel to DROP the show or re-think, she’s embarrassing us … I mean, you cannot be in the states and have graphics that KBC used last night!

Have you seen her website?????

Girl, STOP … just STOP! And you can tell Rachel is vain, she has on at least 6 dresses in that PROMO!!! That show should be re-named ‘African with everything from China, abroad’

Even Miss USIU from 2007 is on the promo *facepalm*

Someone will come here and say ‘We don’t support our own’ well, I’m supporting her by making sure she’s not embarrassing herself. BTW, that ‘Support me I’m Kenyan’ vibe has its limits … if your work is shit, I don’t care where you come from.
October 17, 2011
6:52
Mali – a review.
» ‎ Media Madness

We asked readers to submit reviews for Mali – Hotbabe wa Kabete sent in the review below.

So y’all have seen (I hope!) this new show on NTV called “Mali” which premiered this Wednesday at 8.30pm right? Oh well, why watch when you can read all about it here?. . . But I digress . . .

Can I begin by saying that the title is as creative as watching a tree grow? Too fucking telling!! So ati because the show is about wealth we call it Mali? So if we have a show about say HIV we call it “Ukimwi”? Get creative people!

I have to give mad props to these guys because they didn’t recycle the same old faces. It is a more than welcome relief. Thumbs up for that.

The plot is a bit . . .ok, who am I kidding? It’s very confusing, this lead character has two households? Two families? SMH . .

The sound on the show needs Jesus! Kwani mlikuwa mnashoot kwa kabati? Coz that what it sounds like! And the sync was a bit off sometimes. FIX IT!!!PRONTO!!

All in all, let’s watch the plot unfold, it might turn out good! Jesus did feed 5000 with 2 loaves and 5 fish right?

ION

There’s a petition doing the round on the Internets. Someone wants to reign in the madness on Classic 105. Read why HERE and sign the petition HERE.

Still in the news, Kenya is waging war in Somalia … um, why NOT concentrate on securing the border. War will expose us to all manner of stupidity.
October 14, 2011
5:50
Nimekupikia Nyama …
» ‎ Media Madness

Now, before you read the post, I suggest you LISTEN to the clip below. [Click on link hehehe] it’s Friday, I’m allowed to be stupid.

[chirb.it]

Umeskiza?? LOL This convi MADE my day jana! Muturi was offered SEX!! A rare thing in Nairobi, he was even offered to have a taxi drop him after he’s done with the mama, yaani mpaka alipikiwa nyama, the mama even went on her knees like a mchawi and MUTURI still said no!!! In his world, sleep is more important than a three hour romp with Nicole.

I don’t know if the clip was staged or nor … but my goodness!! Chicks from Baha are AGGRESSIVE … yaani, straight to the point! ‘Nataka kudinywa’ hakuna sijui foreplay or sex talk … nazzing! This chick juas what she wants … as for Muturi, I suspect a few things … maybe he had another baha chick in the house, Nicole is bad in bed, Nicole has given him crabs before ama he couldn’t get it up
October 13, 2011
7:36
Popularity contest.
» ‎ Media Madness

I love social media. Believe me, I do. My Twitter, however, has been reeking of managu na ndengu from last year. Blame that on the fact that I follow people who follow other people that follow sluts ‘which’ will do absolutely anything to amass followers and they retweet their shit like they’re getting paid to do it.

Flash a boob here, a bush here, a nose there and voila, instant celebrity status. Even ground zero was not in a mess as big as this one. Some of them though, I have to resist the urge to stab in the face. How do you wake up at the asscrack of fawking dawn and start posting the morning condition of your privates? I know all the vibe about the early bird but *sigh*, this bird gets up so fucking early! By the time I get up, the early birds have caught the goddamn worms, washed them down with 235 litres of Afya disgusting juice and started flying above my bed with tears and snot running right down onto my face. How am I supposed to tweet when my timeline is infested with this brand of gonorrhea? Are you fucking crazy? Is he good?

And after you do this for a while, and everyone knows what you look like from every possible angle, your TL is like boob, booooob, vagina, booob …..see how whorish that gets after a while???

Now, I’ve not been on Twitter since stone age but I know that unless you get paid to tweet like Kim K.,your follower count has no way of improving the quality of life you live; unless of course recommendations get your picture into the Sabina Joy album, from where you can earn a dollar or two doing what you love.

Honey, you are not popular, you are just another slut.

By the way, before you log in and start sub-tweeting me, wash your fishnet stockings. Tomorrow is Friday. Koinange haitajienda.

Aaaaaaaaaanyway, it’s none of my business!
October 12, 2011
6:25
Open Post!
» ‎ Media Madness

Yeah, it’s Wednesday.

Two days to Friday, my friends, be your brother’s keeper when you go our to party. A young man died on Sunday Morning … his family found our yesterday. His body was found in Kilimani. He was partying with his friends, his friends, remember leaving him in the club with a female NONE of them knew.

Trust me, I’d rather you punch me in the boobs, but I’m GOING to cock block you … there’s no way, I’m leaving you with a stranger in a club.

TC
October 11, 2011
7:13
Bitch Fest!
» ‎ Media Madness

Just cause your fat, you wear ‘Vintage’ clothes and you’re into the whole mind, body & Soul shit doesn’t make you Angie STONE!!! Take a damn \__ and stop butchering songs from Adele and Erykah Badu!! Yes, Nairobi has brilliant singers, but they’re some bitches who are pushing it, like the one who was SHOUTING aka ‘Getting into her zone’ at the Nairobi fashion Market!! SIT DOWN!! Sing for your stretch marks or something ARRG

The Aga Khan has very good doctors, but these days, before you get to see the doctors, your kidney stone will have already passed! I don’t get it, you’re paying a LOT of money to get special attention. Why wait forever, over the last two months, I’ve wasted a total of 13 hours just to see a doctor! The last time I was there, my vitals were a damn mess from all the anger, I was about to CUT A BITCH!! Then I go ahead and pay 16k for meds after waiting FOREVER!! Get yourselves checked Aga Khan, this ain’t cool!

So this month’s True Love has ‘Ladies to WATCH’ I didn’t know they meant it LITERALLY!! Cause all they had were actresses on that list … such a LET DOWN! See, women are their OWN worst enemies, why give a bitch false hope that she’s the next IT? I mean, I’ve never done any commercials, but if in my CV has ‘Naivas commercial’ and a complimentary accent, I would not be walking all over town bragging about it … NO SIR! The only person who deserves to be on a list of women to ‘Watch’ is Lizz Nyangah, she used to be the Lux Face and now she’s on pan-African TV! Tinsel is BIG and she’s a head bitch on that show.

I don’t even know 3 of the ladies there. True Love, ummm how about actually TAKING time from the Spa treatments and massage and drinking at the wine bar to LOOK for women who are actually going up the ladder and not some … okay let me stop.

Now, blogging usually has no structure, I mean I write on the least read (and least intelligent) blog, but THERE has to be a line!!! Especially with Fashion blogs, we all CAN’T be Nigel or Nancie Mwai NO! I saw a blog (which I can’t find the link to now) CURSES! Where this mama was just showing off clothes from a stall on Moi Avenue???! How the fuck is that even ‘Fashionable’ there are 10,000 dresses of the same colour and the same design floating around Nairobi! How is that even special?? Then she had to do the whole thing of ‘I’m too hot to close my mouth’ pose … WHY do ‘fashionistas’ DO THAT?? Is it from all the dick sucking?? CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AND TAKE THE DAMN PHOTO!! DAMMIT! Of course, most fashionistas on blogs thrive on being weird! MAVI green lipstick and matching NAIL polish? … I’ll pass!!
October 10, 2011
7:16
Everyone has a price
» ‎ Media Madness

So Nick Ndeda is moving to Kiss 100. Who is Nick? Well Nick is a young DJ who got into a war of manenos (and lost) with MM when he said we were full of shit because we talked about shit radio (capital) and ignored world class radio (HIM). When the war of words was happening, he was trying to be relevant on the HOT 96 breakfast, a gig that FELL harder than Shaffie in an exam room. He was moved from breakfast a few weeks later.

Back to the title of the post, Nick has publicly said that he’d rather eat grass than work for Radio Africa. Well, it seems hakuna nyasi Parklands cause he surely didn’t eat any grass when he was offered the job. He’s taking up the 8-10 time slot, the slot DNG used to shout at.

It’s also rumoured that he’s coming in as deputy programmes controller at Kiss, let me just shit on that rumour right now, Kalekye has been ‘Deputy’ for a while now and she’s eat people alive if the post was taken from her.

That said, he will fail on that slot … Nick is bougie and he’s coming in with a big head … he’s going to be disappointed when he realizes 90% of the people listening to his show are from some random village and Kiss is their way of trying to go up the social class ladder. He will also be disappointed in the fact that he won’t be able to select music for his show, his taste in hip-hop is refined and sadly, he won’t be allowed to share his amazing taste in music on radio.

Everyone has a price, I have a price too … there’s a house in Watamu that’s going for $1.5 Million, if you’re interested in buying me out. Now you know what I want … or just fucking behave!
October 07, 2011
6:45
ION
» ‎ Media Madness

Rumour has it that Golden Dreams is in another mess. This time, it’s a unique mess … apparently Mutua’s wife who also happens to have the keys to the purse is refusing to make any payments until Mutua comes clean on several deals.

On a regular Golden Dreams always pays their suppliers late, but this time, imezidi!!! It’s rumoured that a ‘Kanyoni wa outside’ like Gumzo would call it is causing is the centre of all this drama.

No one knows when the ‘Stalemate’ will end. The stalemate is making the already struggling company sloooooooow down with even the unpaid interns threatening to FINALLY quit.

ION, rumour has it Clay is quitting the magazine … Clay’s name was featured on ‘UP’ Magazine and it seems he’s slowly walking away from the confusion at Passion.
October 06, 2011
8:02
going once, going twice, broken!
» ‎ Media Madness

The very publicized gay marriage between Charles Ng’ang’a and Daniel Chege has gone to the dogs. Now, everyone remembers how media houses here ran for that storo, nyakuad it and milked it dry. The wedding pictures were scrambled for and good amounts offered and you-know-who won the bid. That’s why 99%of those photos online bear their watermark ni kama they officiated the entire goddamned thing. Anyway, they filed for divorce in London and it looks like things have gone downsouth kabisa. Interestingly though, the British authorities suspect that the marriage was cooked to get Ng’ang’a a visa to the U.K. Trust Kenyans to go to great heights to move away.

Also, students of the University of Nairobi need to be controlled. So they haven’t had electricity for two days and they have papers to cram for. Ndio they decided to take out their anger on motorists on State House road. I don’t care whether there were no lights at Main Campus for three years (blackouts can obviously be extremely frustrating ) but its like they strike every day. Their misplaced aggression towards motorists and the general public is ignored by the authorities and it does not bear much fruit either. All because people in power support the students union yao yote. The students’ union’s leaders mostly end up being politicians, and we wonder why we have the mike-sonko-rotten-heads leading our country.

Also, Steve Job succumbed to cancer last night. A true legend. May his soul Rest in Peace.
October 05, 2011
9:33
I quit-eth!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Rumour has it that Fareed Khimani has thrown in his hairy towel at X Fm … yes, it seems he sent his resignation letter this week. He’s been at X Fm for ummm I think two years, someone please confirm … sources sit management’s lack of support as the reason he decided to quit. He’s been running solo since he started, at some point it felt like the station was an afterthought by RA. Well, technically it was, cause CCK was about to reclaim the group’s idle frequencies.

X Fm has the worst frequency and his attempt to remedy this with online streaming was met with a FIRM ‘No thank you’

Where is he heading to??? Well, it’s DEFINETLY not Capital, my sources in the kitchen tell me, Capital would rather pour money on Janice hehe than re-hire him. Since he left Capital, he’s been making minced meat with the lovely Capital logo … we wish him all the best in his new endevours …. But with Fareed, you never know … he might be bluffing with the quitting thing, he’s done it before.
October 04, 2011
10:00
Open Post
» ‎ Media Madness

Cause life’s a bitch!

Check out that tweet about NTV … when will these fuckers ever learn? Those opinion poll questions are STUPID!
October 03, 2011
6:21
Save the SISTAS!
» ‎ Media Madness

*Passes a few Prayer books*

Riu Ray!! My burathas and sista, there’s a problem, kwina gathina a lituro! We need to save our sisters from these random pastors!

Y’all know the Terro story right? Haiya *Naija clap* you don’t know??!! Ebu vuta hiyo kitu ya Kenpoly nikupe uhondo!

Well, Terro’s mum had this church guy who she sorted of trusted, word on the umm umm (what do they call streets in TZ?) Well, word on the [Insert name here] is that Terro’s mum had this guy she trusted as a spiritual advisor, the guy got a bit eer ambitious and said the good Lord had instructed him to marry Terro. Not to disappoint the Lord, Terro’s mum told her to come over to TZ and marry this fella. Long story short, the marriage never happened ‘cause they later found out the pastor was already married.

Closer home, someone mentioned to us (in the comments section) that a pastor who runs a HUUUGE church on Haile selassie was re-marrying. How does it tie back to MM?? Well, he was marrying a media personality (Word personality used in its lightest form) the girl is called Wanjiru and she works for KBC.

The pastor even went to ‘Rashia’ for the KBC girl! The KBC girl even changed her tabias, she stopped dundaing like it was 1999, she even stopped wearing from her tu-mini-skirts and started wearing ‘Sircura’ dresses and flats ndio asi confuse ‘The Church elders’ but ALAS!!! The wedding won’t happen cause apparently the pastor was also enjoying fruits from other ladies in the church na inasemekana amepanda mbegu!!!! *Naija clap* HEEEEEEY!
September 30, 2011
7:26
ION
» ‎ Media Madness

Let’s face it … today we must review ‘Todo Sobre Uhuru’ . The main cast was Uhuru Key-Nyata, Moreno ‘Aljehandro’ Ocampo, supporting actors were from Jamaica and Norway.

Generally the storyline was weak, I expected fireworks, and I expected Moreno to make sandwiches with Uhuru but alas, it was just plain mathogothanio with the prosecutor messing up with facts and shit!

But for Uhuru he decided to anika EVERYONE. He literally threw Raila and ODM under a Citi-Hoppa by saying RAILA bears the greatest responsibility for the violence since he was the loser that called for mass action that then led to violence.

I’ve never blogged about the ICC, so I’ll speak my mind … I’m not an expert but it seems this is just a case of ‘Ili iwe onyo kwa wengine’ I refuse to believe the fuck up in the prosecutions’ case are not intentional. After we see and hear our politicians ANSWER for all their fuckery, do you think it will ever be smooth sailing for them, even if this doesn’t go to trial?

Karucy, take it away!
September 29, 2011
8:00
Annoying.co.ke
» ‎ Media Madness

This week is almost over. Thank God. Everyone is worn out. The weather, the undecided weather! *sigh*. I am slathered in stress and at least 53 different brands of sunscreen; layer upon layer. It’s hard living in this kiln-ish conditions and associated stormy economic mayhem.

Here is this month’s list of people who absolutely piss us off.

1. MOG

So there I was seated in class waiting for Professor Fogothari to show his face and koroga his theories and someone decides we could all use some music. They start playing this weirdly familiar track. The song is titled ‘Someday’ by our very own MOG (papa God oh- you must have heard this one)and these are the lyrics that really caught my dysfunctional eye.

Verse 1 (Boss)
Papa
was the name she was using as she was asking her share
I wanna go to school so please daddy show me some care
you are going nowhere, have the money that I spend
go have an affair, she became so scared
she looked up in the air she said daddy that’s not fair
she was given a slap and told don’t even dare
you are going nowhere
she started to pray every night and day
hoping everything will be okay
hoping everything will be okay

Mwaaathani! What in the world is thattt? Someone slap me. She looked up in the air? Oh, really? Then she was given a slap. Njesooooo. Mind you, this is a gospel track. These guys, even after producing the crappiest music in the entire mother flipping industry are doing very well, kifedha and otherwise. Going around impregnating people and such like nonsense. What they need is baptism with fire(literally) and a ginormous, huge, bear-sized make over. SMH.

2.X fm

Daamn, I should be able to tie these guys to a tree and flog them to death. #1 life rule, Don’t make promises you can’t keep. These guys promise rock 24/7 then they play some random Adele in between the metal. They think we don’t notice? Not to say that Adele is not one of the most amazing voices that ever happened to the 21^st century lakini her genre is very clearly not rock. How do you not see that? You would think my disgusted tweets to one of their producers would drag their douche-meter down to normalcy but nooooo. Dear X, sometimes it lasts in goth but sometimes you rip my insides apart.

3. Gideon Mbuvi a.k.a Mike Sonko the drama queen.

No one is surprised that this guy is on my list. YAWWWWWWN!

4. DJ Kaytrixx.

Kaytrixx happens to be the most annoying DJ south of the goddamn hot, windy, god-forsaken Sahara. Darling, I hate to break it to you but when you kusanya your utensils and go produce a shit song like bachette, people are gonna be talking about it for a while. Until your next shit production actually. So instead of being so mad at all the critics, sit back, relax and savour every bit of it. Bitch tip : All publicity is good publicity. Meanwhile, ukinipata kwenye Twitter, follow follow follow. Ba-shitty! I have more tips. Including, how to politely tell Ian Mugoya he’s annoying as fuck.

5. The actual experts.

Everyone knows at least one person who thinks (s)he knows absolutely everything. And if you don’t, you must be one of them. These idiots can see into the Ocampo 6_ICC future. I happened to sit with one such mjuaji in a Jav. He was quick to tell me that he is a primary school teacher then…
Mr. X: Ocampo is joking. Anajua mungiki watamuendea huko?
Me: Really?
Mr. X: Yes. A reliable source(note that he has sources.) tells me UK is already organizing for transport. Ocampo doesn’t have any evidence at all. He is being paid to tarnish UK’s name. Hii ni kazi ya Raila.
Me: You don’t say…
Mr. X: Young girl, eeeer hakuna kitu unajua. Ask me. I know these things.
Of course I got off the jav way before I got to my stop. Such ujuaji must be infectious.

6. Jackline Nyaminde (Mama Royco Peef Cupes).

This is mama shirandula. By the time she’s fefte, she’ll have done ads for every garbage collection and flying toilet service in this country.

P.S: Grace Msalame’s babies, Zawadi and Raha are now 5 months old. Rumour has it that she may be back on the waves sooner than we think. Go MILF.
September 28, 2011
6:44
Todo Sobre ICC
» ‎ Media Madness

*Sigh* I’ve just realized, the ICC matter will STILL come up EVERY day as long as the proceedings will be going on. So I’ve been granted ‘Bar-mission’ to create a static post. So everything ICC (or any other muchene ’cause you people are just random and difficult to please) will fall in here, till Monday. So any other post that’s not related to the ICC should NOT hvae comments about the ICC … sawa?

ION, a big welcome to the ‘Newbies’ those who come here and tell ME I’m boring and I need to up my game, ati oh you’re lazy (Boss, I have a full time job + school) I’d like them to read this post here [www.frankierants.com]
September 27, 2011
6:54
Ad review!
» ‎ Media Madness

Usiseme Maziwa, sema Ngombe

My friends, the ad we’re reviewing today even beats the ‘Show is on’ ad which is also really bad, I even suspect it was written by one of the cows at the show. Moving on, I don’t even know the name of the ‘Milk’ being advertised. I couldn’t find a soft copy of the ad, but I’ll try and paint a mental picture

The ad opens with Wilbroda (From Papa Shiradula) shouting about water boiling and she doesn’t have milk. Her two minions (Jalango and another idiot from Papa Shiradula) are ‘sent’ to the kiosk to buy ‘Ngombe’ … they get to the shop and they keep saying ‘Ngombe’ they get their milk and walk back to the house where there’s more of ‘Usiseme Maziwa, Sema Ngombe’ waiiit .. .is Ngombe the brand name?

What is wrong with that ad? Well, it’s milk! It’s not like it’s a special product, even Wa-Jimmy can start selling milk if she can stop drinking everything her cow gives her. See this campaign is utter garbage cause it’s JUST NORMAL! What is the brand’s unique selling point? Is their milk creamier? More vitamins? Will your milk make my dick bigger? Will it make me make more money??? Why SHOULD I buy your product? You can’t just fucking fly with ‘Fresh’ fresh is what I had this morning ‘cause I live on a farm!

Plus, they should have used all that money on the ad to making neater packs, Daima (I saw it jana on the shelves) has a brilliant eye catching design, on the shelf, it stands out, I’m not sure if their product is all that.

Another fault for the campaign is expecting ‘Stars’ to sell their product through endorsements. See, most marketers don’t get it; a star endorsement only works if what the star does can tie back to your brand values. Look at Kiwi, the brand prides itself in making you shine when your shoes shine. They went for a lad who is shining because of his many wins across track fields in the world!

Now, let’s go back to the milk product … if I see Jalango endorsing that product, I won’t go … Oh Jesus! Gimme some of that, I’ll slowly walk away from the product, I don’t know if it’s the product that powers his ujinga.

Finally, to the stars themselves, I don’t know why they don’t realize they’re a brand. Look at Papa, he made a shit load from a Coke ad. He can’t TAKE a shit product and plaster his face on it, now Wilbroda is jumping from one brand to another and worse, they don’t help build her, they’re just exploiting her madness as a character.

I even have a slight problem with Suzzane Owiyo, I love love her music … lady has skills, but to do endorse a toilet cleaning product??? If she was on something like Strepsils, it would WORK perfectly, she’s an artist and I’m sure sore throats are kawaida to her.
September 26, 2011
6:28
R.I.P
» ‎ Media Madness

Wangari Maathai passed away last night after battling cancer for close to a year.

She founded the Green Belt Movement, an organization that fought so hard to ensure that Kenya’s forest cover was not depleted, through grand corruption, it our forests were sold off or given to connected individuals.

She was the first African woman to receive a Nobel Peace Prize. She touched the lives of so many people, with her books and conservation efforts.

Here’s one of my favourite stories from Wangari Maathai ‘I’ll be a Hummingbird’ RIP

www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGMW6YWjMxw
September 23, 2011
6:57
Fuck it!
» ‎ Media Madness

Fuck it is becoming quite a popular term in the Radio Africa corridors. Remember Linda Kimaru? The lady who DROVE everyone mad with her mindless verbal diarrhea on Classic 105? Well, she did something MOST of us don’t have balls to do; she said FUCK IT and QUIT her late night gig on Classic 105. For those who have no idea, who she is, please take a look at this post [www.frankierants.com] I’ll never forget that post, cause ‘Moongose’ said this about Linda’s Chin

‘hahahaha!Enyewe that chin looks like a farm implement! Jembe ya ku-harvest ngwaci!

Away from that, why did she quit? Well she felt Classic 105 was NOT recognizing her awesome radio skills and they were short changing her, she was once overheard saying she was paid kidogo (she’s been on radio for a hot minute) this is the problem with Gen Y (watu kama mimi) you want to drive a Super Charged Range Rover Sport after WORKING FOR SOMEONE for a year, please … take a damn \__ Gen Y is un-happy, they want everything within a year and it’s NOT like they’re putting in a lot of effort, all they do is bitch about how little they’re being paid and their performance in the shitter … but at least Linda quit, she got into radio through the fence (Her boyfriend works for Radio Africa) … I hope she finds something else to do, pia being a farmer is an option.

ION, y’all know X Fm right? Umm for those who have no idea who they are … they’re on 105.5, if you’re in a jav and it’s playing rock music, it’s because the dere missed classic by a few bands hehe. Well, the station was dubbed the ‘Capital Killer’ … three year later; they’re still trying to cut away Capital’s audience with a plastic knife.

The station is experiencing a lot of walk outs these days, they hired a very soft spoken girl called Ms. Mpinga a few weeks back and the GIRL quit this week, sources say she looked around and saw the station had no GROWTH opportunities, she was on the drive show.

One of the first people to go on air on X Fm, Raabia (It’s not a kuyu shrub for labia) is about to exit the station, she’s being replaced by Mao (their lispy producer) the station just needs a new strategy, a rock station is UNIQUE, they’re not. (Although their TA is so bougie it hurts)

Away from radio mushene … if you didn’t squirm when the lovely ‘Naahgerian’ Prosecutor at the ICC was reading out the rape charges, you’re rotten inside.
September 22, 2011
9:50
Introducing…
» ‎ Media Madness

Just like Ron. Coming soon. Just like wrong number. Coming soon. I have never suffered chronic fuckery in my life but these trailers have been another challenge all together. Brutal. What in scorching hell??? They decided to unveil the goddamn thing juzi and it is a soap opera. Yes folks, things are getting desperate. Somebody hold my weave as I knock some sense into these guys.

Something has gone terribly wrong, fuck! It’s like producers have stripped down to their thongs and are walking around town butt naked. Kenyan TV is on a one way ticket to hell!! The name is Mali. Mali is one of those soaps where everyone back-stabbs everyone. *YAWWWWN*. It stars the likes of Nick Wang’ondu- who can’t act if you ask me, and a host of other new faces. It’s a good thing they don’t have the same old Sarah Hussein ( waving dust and cobwebs) and Lizz Njagah na hao wengine who have been recycled mpaka we know the size of their hips *cough*. Brendah Wairimu is on it too, you will remember her as Shariffah of Shay-Jing Times, the lying pointy.

I can’t wait for people to get addicted to it though. Then, I will have a legit reason to go around frying people with my electric fly trap, then dropping their dead smoking asses in The Nairobi Dam. Authorities ‘plan’ to spend hundreds of millions on rehabilitating it. We all know hiyo pesa inaenda wapi. *Walks away whistling*

This ‘stuff’ (I will never have proper words to describe soap operas) will be airing on NTV. Apparently they want to slot it right after the 9 p.m. news on Mondays, so they give Tabasamu a run for their dorrar$.

Good luck with that!

P.S. Shout out to the mama who mailed me asking for Andrew Siro. 1. I don’t keep the Guy in my dark, deserted thatched hut in the middle of Matuu. 2.He produces and directs Gossip Girl on Kiss TV. Enda ukamtafute huko.

Oops … sorry for the late posting … forgot to click publish .. Oh well
September 21, 2011
7:10
Open Post!
» ‎ Media Madness

Ha! I can see someone of you praying I get herpes for doing this LOL

I have nothing interesting to post today, Viv will save me kesho. Since, I don’t want to lie to y’all ati sijui someone is making 800k ama sijui SK has suspended 10 people, I’ll just sit and watch all of you discuss STUFF! DEUCES!
September 20, 2011
6:33
Bitchfest!
» ‎ Media Madness

I’ll start with the folks who are demanding an explanation about Friday. Have y’all forgotten we’re in fucking Kenya? Yaani, you guys don’t GET IT when we try and kanyangia a story? We heard about the story on Wednesday, even before the police talked to the media. By dawn, we noticed the story was becoming ‘weird’, by the end of the day, we realized … oh fuck! This is not a kawaida story, we let it slide ‘cause there is no way I’ll take a bullet for akina Odhis so that he can come here and say good job MM … good job kitu gani, I’ll be DEAD!

Have you guys listened to Easy Fm of late? I cannot believe my fucking ears! There is a pastor on that show and I swear me and her will be adding kunis to the fire in hell!! WHO IS SHE?! Okay, when did ‘Pastors’ go all out commercial and became SEX therapists?? Sexual Healing achia akina Marvin Gaye mami, stick to spiritual healing, if you still want to see the gates of heaven

Still on matters heavenly, it seems the good Lord left KBC to its own devices … have y’all seen the new set!!!! Some kao colours RIGHT THURR! And you wonder why Citizen has numbers

Double Standards in this country make me mad … jana a rumour started that a certain MP twangad her huuby. The same MP cock blocked Mr. Miller from a gava job ati cause he used to chapa his wife. Guys, laughed at the guy jana when he was saying he was not chapwad, where was his wife? She was too busy to attend the press conference … yeah, your HOSEBAND had one foot in the grave and the other one on a banana peel and you’re too busy to even sit with him in hosi … kuna KITU hapo!!! Where are all these feminist cunts who always scream domestic violence is wrong? Ama battered men is not within your bitching JD?

So jana, I was on a 7C bus, and this guy stood up and started giving his SOB story about how his wife is dead, and he needs to clear his mortuary fees … after he was done … one brave mama shouted ‘Wewe si urikuwa unaoba hii pesa ya moshary mpaka rast year dee-seba’? HEHEHE I laughed out loud! This idiot just shukad the bus!

Then there’s the deaf beggar on the 7C route, who now even has money to kanga his nywele! Is it that bad out there? I hear some of these beggars make more than 200k a freaking month!!!
September 19, 2011
6:45
Rumour has it
» ‎ Media Madness

That Gathoni Wa Mushomba might be making a comeback to national radio … before I tell you which station she might be on, let me ‘Terro’ (Wish I told you about Terro this week hehe) you about Gathoni.

Gathoni started her radio career on Kameme fm, she was their breakfast host for a long time, but her potential was FULLY recognized when she was poached by Inooro FM, she basically BUILT Inooro into what it is now, she was ROUUUUGH, her listeners LISTENED to her every word! Advertisers loved her! Politicians hated her! But there was soon durama at Inooro Fm and she had to leave, the ‘Break-up’ with Inooro was soo bloody messy at one point she made the top news item on RMS media outlets ati ‘She was spreading malicious’ gossip about RMS.

She soon started a media insttitte on Roast House (Where we get Mshikakis after cuming on ourselves at Liddos) I have no idea how that went

She also had a stint at Bahasha Fm (Now Countryside FM) a media outlet owned by Mututho, she was in several duramas while at the station, Jayne Kihara (the then Naivasha MP) was famously quoted as saying ‘Gathoni ni KULOpokwa tu’ ‘cause Gathoni used to ‘Hate’ on Jayne like every day.

I have no idea where she is now, back to her … unconfirmed reports say that Radio Africa is seriously thinking of turning their frequency 103.5 into a Kikuyu station. Sources say, if the move does go through, Gathoni will lead the new venture.

It would be interesting for Radio Africa to venture into a Kikuyu station and having Gathoni on board might work wonders for them, cause Chick KNOWS radio!
September 15, 2011
5:49
Open Post!
» ‎ Media Madness

Good Morning!

We haven’t had one in a long time. A lot of things are going down, I slept at 3 Am trying to get confirmation on a breaking story. You might see the story tomorrow, trust me … this one … I’ll even post it from the border, then vuka PAP!

In the meantime, have fun Y’all (Like you always do) and we’ll see you tomorrow.
September 14, 2011
6:28
Thank you CCTV!
» ‎ Media Madness

As you all know by now, CCTV has ‘raided’ our lack luster media fraternity as they seek to set-up an African Office.

They are here with lots of mbecha to buy off talent, word on the corridors of Mombasa road is that all folks who have moved to CCTV are getting at least 3X what their current employer is offering them. Now, at NTV … it seems the bosses there want to throw a party cause Peninah has left, they were so happy she left, they never bothered to even negotiate with her. They had been trying to let her go for a long time.

Mark Maasai is also on the CCTV boat, with the exception of KTN, most stations are happy their ‘Old talent’ has left bila durama. IN fact, NTV is debuting new faces (They better be HOT ama natupa mawe) in two weeks. Rumor has it, some boys and girls from their in-house training institute are ripe for TV.

What’s the sad thing about the latest moves? They are all motivated by money, well you might say we all strive to make more money, but my boss keeps telling me. Never move JUST for money, do a SWOT analysis of where you’re going. For CCTV, I don’t see them being all that and a bag of nyanyas, first, they are owned by the Chinese Government, so Beatrice Marshall can forget doing ‘Ground breaking’ reporting, secondly, their move into Africa is being seen to compliment their current policy in Africa. Give aid bila questions. So CCTV, might just end up being an ass kissing fest, I don’t see HOW ONE can grow their career at a place where everything will be dictated.

CCTV will most likely make them irrelevant even with the ‘Big’ platform they’re being offered

I won’t be surprised if all these journalists (if journalism is their passion) quit and beg for their jobs back.
5:58
Save the whale!!!!!!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Some radio shows make me want to shove my hands down my throat and puke food I ate last week. It slays me that there are people out there who listen to Kiss 100. It just boggles the mind! Rush Hour with Shaffie Weru and now, Linda Nyangweso just happens to be one of these shows. Can you believe the torture of actually listening to their mathogothanio all the way home after an outrageously catastrophic day?? In this goddamn freakish weather?? . These two have NO chemistry on radio. Shaffie, being the douche bag he is, keeps making fun of Linda’s weight. My heart bleeds for this mama. Ukweli. Now, all blatantly sick jokes aside, call me fat on fucking radio and I will make it my goal in life to kill you and char your remains beyond recognition. Listening to them is tiring. Like walking through the Libyan sand dunes with Susan Boyle strapped to one foot and Mike Sonko to the other and a bottle of Kevian Afia juice tied around my neck(This stuff is disgustiiiiiiiiiing!). We all know that the producers at Kiss have this annoying we-must-play-each- song-178,654-times a day fetish. Based on that fact alone, I have no idea how I could possibly like the station.Now its just C.M. and the Katumbo dance mafia (I forget his name) on the morning show I hear. I can’t stand their ujuaji. Radio Africa really does wish us death by Fuckiolitis

Ka-dumdum-lekye on the other hand, mambo yanaenda down south a.k.a. segemnege. Apparently, She called in sick eons and eons ago, na huko Sunday. So sick she was fighting for her life (go, yokozuna, GO!!), writhing in pain, bed ridden, and foaming at the mouth.. Yeah, it was that bad. Except, she dragged her silly ass to Social media and started yapping about how great ‘Last night’s party’ was. “That party was the beeeeest. AWESOME”. Someone in power saw this shit. My friends, to be this stupid is a talent. Kama una bonge la ujinga like that by the way, social media will ruin you. For life! Someone needs to save this person.

The dark days are not over

Please excuse me while I mention Kiss 100 and Capital FM in the same post. This is an abomination. I should just go ahead and offer a burnt offering after this.

If you are an ardent Capital FM listener, you have unearthed the treasure that is The Cypher. This show, my good friends, airs on Saturday from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. and on Sunday 11 p.m. to Monday 1 a.m. aaaaaaaand, it is from the gods. Joe Muchiri does this show professionally yaani, no talk, no mayhem, just great hip hop and the occasional ad or two. I like this guy’s style. He knows what listeners want to hear and he plays it. Always fresh. This is genuine hip hop by the way, the kind we all love to love. And as for you who are too busy listening to Trey Songz and his gay sorority you cannot squeeze Common in, I say, SHOOOOOOOOOO!

P.S.:

1.Social media is not your grandfather’s thingira*. If you tweet “Can’t sleep, fuck Insomnia” at fucking 10 p.m., you are on my wanted list. I will hunt you down and we are gonna have a lot of fun together. Idiot!! Insomnia is a medical condition and you offend the people who need tranquilizers to catch a wink!

2. Writh: Make continual twisting, squirming movements or contortions of the body. If you have already pictured Ka-dumdums writhing, call your shrink. NOOOOOOOOOW!
September 13, 2011
7:19
WHY?
» ‎ Media Madness

Well a few things, I’m MAD as fuck. So there I was, gobbling down my liver and chapati and the TVs in the Café were on Citizen TV and WITH NO WARNING, they started showing severe burns victims. Did I puke? NO, this is not ‘Todo Sombre Camilla’ I still kept my lunch in but I was MAD as fuck and I saw one woman TURN away.

I hear KTN was worse. When did we lose our BRAINS? Did SHIT replace YOUR BRAINS, Mr. Editor or whoever was responsible for the shit minutes of TV we saw yesterday? Y’all sit and scream how Aljazeera demeans Africans by showing dead bodies of our citizens and y’all were up in that field like white on rice … beaming shots of a woman with bad bad burns on her face and hands.

What a severe lack of JUDGEMENT!!! I’m sure y’all were doing this so that you’re fucking scooped!!! That was shallow journalism, fuck it! Y’all are SHIT! I have no words FOR Abdi whatever on Citizen TV! I just can’t deal with such fuckery right now.

Secondly, our MPs need to get a fucking life, they all went down there like it was a titty bar, causing all manner of gridlock in and around the area. The PM with his massive motorcade, REALLY? Wasn’t Sonko the cunt that was there protesting when a road was proposed to pass through the area?! Where is Reuben Ndolo??? Your ‘Voters’ NEED YOU! Didn’t you tell them to ‘Weka taya’ … where are you???

I won’t blame KPC, they tried … but the stupidity that rules this city was against them. They tried, they’re NOT perfect, but they tried.

I won’t blame the folks who live in that area … hey, if I see ‘Money’ flowing on the fucking sewer and I’m broke, I won’t run and try and warn the ‘Authorities’ I scoop it and see if I can feed my 5 or so kids.

Mosande, a blogger says on her latest blog post … ‘Those ‘idiots’ (Folks living in the slum) are driven by need, not greed. It doesn’t make what they did right, but it makes it sadder’

Shit happens, but we need to always be a step ahead, there have been many warnings about the slum but no one listened.

We’re fucked. For those living near the railroad in Kibera and (I’m not so sure about the network), chungeni sana.

Sonko was admitted at Nairobi Hospital yesterday, high blood pressure and shit …
September 12, 2011
7:15
Random …
» ‎ Media Madness

Monday 12th September

Larry Asego is back on the Big Breakfast this morning, yaani this guy just TAKES IT! On today, off tomorrow. Madharau kama hayo siwezi tolerate

Moving on, there’s a new TV show kicking off at the end of this month. Why I’m I telling you NOW? Well because I want you to apply for the show. The show is called The CfC Stanbic Bank Magnate, it’s going to run for 13 weeks on Kiss TV and KBC (Weird, weird, weird media selection) especially since their target audience rarely watches the two stations. Anyway, the show is a business reality program, like the Apprentice. The contestants will be put up in a house and they will be given weekly challenges, as they go through the show, they will be coached on many business like activities, like putting together a business plan (I got a credit *Maringo nayo* cause of my business plan)

The show has mentors; among them is Moses Nderitu, the guy who owns Excloosive. The winner of the show will get 1.5 Million bob in seed capital. There are no requirements to join the show, just download the application forms on [www.the-magnate.com]

Still on TV shows, NTV is promo-ing it’s new daily show. Yes, they have a daily (Kenyan) Soap Opera. Y’all can watch the trailer below.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4elWh6tC3E

I really don’t know what to think, the first few seconds of the trailer got me all confused … plus the acting looks a bit eer delayed … too slow. I won’t watch it, the acting for me is completely off, if we’re to judge the show with the trailer. The show is shot and produced by the same lady who produces Siri (one of the region’s best shows) I wonder if they will hack extending a story line for 5 months, especially since they’re going the ‘Evil family’ ‘Bad family’ route … I wish they took lesson from Generations (It’s been running FOREVER) and it still kicks ass in SA!

Now, Exodus to Stardom aired its last episode jana. I’m still in shock, if you’re going to come here and tell me that the show was good for a first trial, I’ll hunt you down and kick you in the privates!!! You cannot run a show on a two bob budget and expect folks to clap for your shit ass efforts!!

The lighting was horrible, the SOUND … oh my goodness … the SOUND!!! The show looked and felt like a high school talent day competition COMPLETE with a HUUUGE plastic Trophy!

THE SINGING, THE SINGING *walks away to cry*
September 09, 2011
5:34
It’s a madondo situation …
» ‎ Media Madness
Before Larry Madowo goes on Twitter to bitch about us, I’d like to remind him, not everything is about him

I’ll explain the headline after I share the TV numbers.

On a weekly basis … Citizen TV has an average reach of 86% of the sampled market population. The top stations weekly are
- Citizen TV
- NTV
- KTN
- KBC
- K24
- Kiss TV
It’s worth noting that KTN is on a slow decline and unless drastic measures are taken, KBC and K24 will close in on them.

On a day to day basis, Citizen has the highest viewers in the morning, followed by KTN and then the rest of the station sort of even out with the viewership.

From mid-day, Citizen TV opens up the lead (with a 20% lead) up until midnight! My friends, the mix of Oga movies and the repeats of their local shows during the day is the reason their numbers are soo good.

On Wednesdays, between 7 and 9 pm, Citizen has a 30%+ lead over all the other stations, I’m not sure what airs on this day, but it seems to be mad popular.

Another day of note is Sunday, from 5.30 till mid0night, it’s like all the other stations GO OFF AIR!! Citizen TV is all over the place

In the Urban areas, Citizen has 50% share of the TV viewing population.

Now to explain the headline.

Some folks are up in arms over this numbers, they fault the sampling methods employed. They say that the rural folks who make up the bulk of citizen TV’s audience are sampled more. My guess is, there’s nothing better to watch on TV. As bad as citizen TV’s programming is, it remains better than the competitions. Remember when you joined high school? Week one, you eeven had diarrhea from the bad, bad food you were served. That madondo made you even PUKE!!! After 3 weeks, you would even RUN to go get your share of that awful food. You GOT used to it! Because you had NOTHING better to it!

The same case with Citizen, yes it’s bad … but unless you have DSTV (or endless ‘series’) what are you going to watch? Put yourself in the shoes of the millions without DSTV or DVD machines.

In the newspapers numbers, the only paper that seemed to grow (in terms of readers) was the star with a 2% increase in readers. The Nation’s share fell by 1% and the Standard fell by a massive 5%. The people still kept its 2% market share.

The Saturday Nation grew its readership by a massive 7%, the Saturday nation grew by 2%. It seems we’re buying fewer papers on Sundays, because the Sunday Nation market share reduced by 4% to 51% of the total market share, the Sunday Standard fell by 3%

The newspapers numbers are really boring, because Nation will always top the list because of a number of things; a stellar distribution network and its heritage plus it seems to have the best journalists as compared to the others.
September 08, 2011
7:33
Ba-shit
» ‎ Media Madness

First of all, my sources tell me the song is actually called Ba-shit, as in ‘The shit’ as in ‘THEEE SHIT’ as in ‘Awesome’ you get my drift right? Yes the name of the song is Ba-shit but our boy Bamzigi wrote the song title and we all know English is still groping its way around his kiongos.

Before we go on … please … download the track and listen to it

[www.box.net]

The song is apparently in the ‘House’ genre, yes HOUSE, the same genre Swedish House Mafia OWNS … my friends, this is not HOUSE, it’s a ka-mud hut somewhere in Kilifi.

The lyrics are just *faints*

Yes, I can’t sing, but that doesn’t mean I take shit music lying down … what is worse about the song is the sycophancy around it … akina Kaytrixx are hyping it like it is the second coming/cuming … I was INSULTED!!

This is why we can’t have nice things in this country; we have too many YES MEN!! If you stand up and offer people like Bamzigi a seat, you’re called a ‘hater’ the ‘they’re haters’ line is the new excuse for shit music, bad work, and bad sex!!!

Why are we embracing mediocrity? I hear this song is played on radio and TV … the fuck?! Kwani hakuna quality control, the fucking lyrics don’t even make sense, maybe the ‘Beats’ but the lyrics are shit!! As a DJ why would you play this to your listeners? Walikufanyia nini?

YES MEN are the reason Tuju went ahead with that awful sheng video, if only he had a sober minded human with him to tell him that ‘Gangari’ shit won’t fly with your target audience. Yes men are the reason some girls go out of the house looking like last week’s Mukimo (Mathogothanio)

Oh yeah … I need to add … before you email MM telling us fuck you … read through a few posts, so that you know what we’re about sawa?
7:29
Size 8 and her acting ….
» ‎ Media Madness

Once in every 65,957 years, I switch to Citizen TV and actually watch their mung’etho programs. Things pretty much sucked last Friday. I was supposed to get Mike and Molly (I am several years behind the series bandwagon) but I was sooo depressed about queuing at the bank for two freaking hours, that I forgot to pitia my movie guy. Given Murphy’s Law of entertainment – the one that says that TV will bore you to fucking death when have nothing else to watch, I was ready for any shit these guys were going to throw my way.

A couple of stations were showing soap operas, (I hate soaps with a fiery, hellish passion) but for Citizen  TV. First, I think Citizen TV is a ridiculous station because all they do all day is bore, bore, fucking bore. Their lineup is infested with Nigerian kaswende, and a gazillion and one soap operas. The local productions they show are wayyyyyy boring, I even find Machachari tediously slow to develop now-a-days. I grudgingly settled for their court drama, which I later learnt is called Mashtaka, just to confuse my enemies.

Mashtaka, my friends, is Vioja Mahakani of today, only, with less vioja and more ujinga. This kipindi is loaded with shit actors and shit directors that go well with the crapulous script. On this particular episode, Size 8 was the defendant; some mama had sued  her  for  looking at her husband suggestively, or something along those saggy lines. Wait, do people actually go to court for such? Wardrobe was horrific. some chic was dressed in a micro outfit like she was going for an RDX concert. Whoever is in charge of wardrobe should quit their job and go jump off a cliff!!!!!! No one had a fucking lawyer, props to Nairobi law for making the noble law profession look like a game of cha mama cha baba. The defendant kept attacking the witnesses, and when I say attacking, those of you who jua Size 8 know that that court room was on fire and noise and weird faces. Oh, and a flaming red weave.

Maybe the ultimate irony is that size 8 thinks she is absolutely talented, and that she can beat Ryan Gosling to an Academy award any day. I let actors get away with so much but absolute lack of talent cannot be excused. Not everyone can act, and instead of forcing yourself into it, stick to booty shaking for your shamba boy mami.

Watching Mashtaka is like nursing  an ingrown toe. The unceasing unbearable pain that runs all through your body, squeezing  life the fuck out of your insides and leaving your carcass pale, in a Marilyn Manson kind of way. By the time it ended I had crawled back into my coffin, lit my coosh, and was getting ‘there’ for the second coming.

Oh btw, you can follow me on Twitter, if it’s your cup of uji. [twitter.com]
September 07, 2011
7:33
Remember her?
» ‎ Media Madness

In 2008, Citizen had a TV show called Waridi. A Swahili ‘Soap’ the show had a huuuuge following, especially ‘cause of the bald lead actress. A pretty cute young girl, in 2009, the girl quit the TV show and said she wanted to focus on her music career. She left Kenya for the states in late ’09.

You can view the whole document … here [www.polkcountyiowa.gov]

Now, here is the girl NOW! She was booked in Iowa for drunk driving … Oh snap! She’s recently divorced and folks in the states are worried the sweet young lady is on the fast lane to destruction.

Chick must have thought she’s in Westi, where she can down panty removers all night and still drive home … here, folks glorify drunk driving, you can hear an idiot boasting how ‘He doesn’t know how he got home’

As for this mamasita, si arudi tu home, aibu ndogo ndogo aache
7:27
Wiki-leaks!
» ‎ Media Madness

Wiki-leaks has so far detailed some major info about our politicians, last week, they released un-edited muhahi that Runny-Burger sent to his masters about our media. Of course, the files are not telling us maaajor things, but one thing that STUCK out was the fact Radio Africa has 45 frequencies eeeer the HERRO? Did CCK take them all back when they were threatening to take away un-used frequencies?

You can check out the cables below

Pssst. Numbers za TV na print ni Kesho … I’ve exhausted my posting limit *Deuces*

[wikileaks.org]

[wikileaks.org]

[wikileaks.org]

[wikileaks.org]
September 06, 2011
10:09
Demotion PAP!!
» ‎ Media Madness

If you’ve tuned to Kiss Fm breakfast show, I’m sure you’ve noticed that Larry Asego is missing from the picture. No, his co-hosts have not taken up all the space on the photo. Larry was DEMOTED! He’s now on the graveyard shift on Classic 105.

Larry was given a smaller stool for his ego because his numbers were huko in the mutaro after 2+ years on breakfast. Listeners always gave him a shit review because they felt he was obnoxious, loud and kaodo shallow … he clearly did not fight the ‘Rugby player stereotype’ at all!!

If I was Larry, I’d walk away in my ka-tattered career before the graveyard shift buries him on the streets of irrelevance. I hear he does very well on ummm … I guess theatre; I’ve never had the time to sit and watch the plays he and Churchill churn out like ndaos.

Yesterday, I said a little prayer and listened to his new show on Classic. Well, the music is the same, he sounds bored. The main highlight of his show is something he calls ‘Ask men’ girls call in and they ‘Ask men’ questions *Looks up the sky* yep , the sky is falling.

What about Linda Kemaru? No idea … I hope she’s somewhere far away from a mic … chic re-defined boredom.
September 05, 2011
6:43
The numbers!!
» ‎ Media Madness
The numbers are in! The number show how our media houses performed in the last three months. To avoid killing your brain cells, I’ll simply highlight the top-lines without going into too much detail.

The top 6 most listened to radio stations in Nairobi are
- Classic 105 FM (Radio Africa)
- Kiss FM (Radio Africa)
- Radio Citizen FM (RMS)
- Kameme FM (Media Max)
- Metro FM (KBC)
- Inooro FM (RMS)
In Nairobi, it should be noted that 51% of the sampled radio listening population listen to Kikuyu radio stations. Inooro, Kameme and Coro are in the top 11 radio stations with impressive numbers.

Also, Classic 105’s dominance in the market, especially in the morning is being chipped away by Kiss 100 and Radio Citizen. Overall, Radio Citizen is the number one radio station nationally. They’re number one in 6 of the 9 sampled regions.

On a daily Basis, Classic 105’s breakfast show is the dominant voice in Nairobi (Sad, right?) and after 10 Am, Kiss Fm takes the lead across Nairobi, it’s worth noting that Classic and Kiss have had the same DJs on these spots for the last 5 years.

Radio Citizen dominates the airwaves from 5pm till MID-NIGHT!! I’ll be honest, when I saw the numbers, I was curious … kwani what show (s) air on Radio Citizen from 5pm every-day?

Stations that had a lot of activity in this quarter, Easy Fm (re-structuring their shows) Capital FM (New morning team) are not rated so well in the numbers. Infact Capital, (although doing very well with advertising because of their niche TA) features nowhere.

Other stations that are doing better than last quarter are Milele Fm, Radio Jambo and Q FM. Swahili stations are the only ones who are acquiring new listeners. Largely because of their content and they all seem to understand their audiences.

If you segment these numbers according to lifestyles, Classic 105 and Radio Citizen rule LSM 7-11, the middle class. This is where most brands lie and that’s the reason they’re rolling in the money (Even with Radio Citizen’s expensive rate card 60,000 for a 30 second radio spot)

Of course, Capital OWNS LSM 17+, X Fm doesn’t feature here. Reason is, X Fm’s TA is relatively younger, and they fall in the Homeboyz, Ghetto and Kiss FM’s target audience. Since rock is very niche, it becomes VERY hard to breakdown this target audience to determine X Fm’s share.

TV and print numbers kesho.
5:49
Tag Lines
» ‎ Media Madness

Like a signature, every presenter/show host/MC/Stand-up comedian needs to have one. Good examples can be picked from the WWE (yeah, General Zod enjoys this).

Sample John Cena’s tagline: “My name is John Cena, love or hate, you cannot debate, I am in the center of sports entertainment and am surrounded by ALL of YOU!” – Powerful. Quest? “I am Richard Quest and I mean Business.” – Simple and to the point. In the Kenyan media circles (circus?) an example that comes to mind is Swaleh Mdoe who says “ni miye wenu Swaleh.” (Yours Swaleh). I believe the gentleman could do better, sell himself more. Okay you are Swaleh, what are you promising your audience? You also tell your viewers –ad nauseum- about your saliva swallowing as if it is a favorite Kenyan pastime.

Another Kenyan journalist (I am told he refers to himself modestly, as an ‘expert’ in business) is one Larry Madowo. I have never watched him but, PK tells me that he introduces himself thus; “I am Larry Madowo and here’s your business” – BLAND. Ngwata Francis anyone? He fails to impress upon the audience that he is the one presenting. Own the presentation, wow your viewers. Make people believe you know what you are talking about, not some story you nervously wheedled out of a CEO while grinning sheepishly at every sentence.

A tagline endears you to your audience, making people remember you; hell, children will make school rhymes from good taglines. A tagline or slogan, communicates your mission, offering and brand. Something like ‘Sprite, quench your thirst’.

Talking of thirst quenching, I know GALIS could have a great tagline!

These words were commanded to come together by General Zod
September 02, 2011
7:51
In case you didn’t know
» ‎ Media Madness

In case you didn’t know …

JaneT Mbugua is coming back to Nairobi. She left KTN in ’09 for ETV SA. She’s coming back to host news and a new show on Citizen TV. The show is a Julie Gichuru production; some of you have asked if Citizen needs all these hot mamas on their line-up. Yes, here’s why … see, news in Kenya is NOT exactly engaging, so to keep us glued to the screens we need to see faces WE LIKE. Get it now? The last thing they want is viewer apathy, which some stations suffer from.

Janet also started a production company with Weave De Souza. Moon Beam produced ‘The mentalist’ or something like that, it was supposed to air last year on KTN, but management pulled back even after running promos for the show.

Away from the boring stuff … did y’all watch the ICC confirmation hearings??? Good Lawd! That was some prime TV. My highlight was the fact that Ruto’s and Sang’s lawyers were going on and on about how the two KNOW Kikuyus, about how their relatives KNOW Kikuyus ummm boss, that card won’t work bana. In ’07 a presidential candidate even flossed about how his son was about to marry a Kikuyu. Are Kikuyus that important in this country? I think guys take things too seriously.

Sang said he was a professional ‘Chournalist’ I’ll assume this profession involves churning out a lot of crap!

ION, Kenya’s bravest Cougar, Wambui Otieno passed away on Tuesday, but there are some folks from Luo land who are about to start fighting over where she’s going to be buried? I wish I was in Nyanza right now, I’d KNOCK some serious sense into their heads! THE FUCK?!
September 01, 2011
6:15
Not so straight
» ‎ Media Madness

What is fucking wrong with this country? For once in our cold miserable lives, can someone just come up with a concrete, interesting magazine show for the ‘younger’ audience?

Last week kidu Tuesday hapo, my timeline went all expendables on me, shooting ‘re-launch‘ tweets left, right and centre. Re-launch this, re-launch that…(I swear my tweepfolk are on steroids). Anyway, I am not one to wacha storo inipite tu hivyo, so naturally I tuned to KTN. Chesoo! Worst. Mistake. Of. My. Life. Worse than the day I decided Kenya Kane was my thing. I was greeted by a smiley Kaytrixx, who has since gained kidogo weight.

At least the mama who makes him mashed potatoes atapata mahali pa kujishikilia. He also has a fringe….*rolling eyes* No comment. Then there was Namtero, who has giddy giddy grown. In a good way. Diabs zimeshikilia. Kaytrixx insisted on how hot she looked. I am not sure if the potato mashing mama was very happy. Kama kawaida, she had 65,895 dead horses affixed on her lovely kyongo.
Her weave can hide my pencil pouch and a property law handout, lakini thank Miadi it wasn’t blonde. Tero looks very sweet any who, so at that point I still hadn’t yanked out my eye-lashes.

Then, two chiles toklezead sitting on a couch. That was when I was hit by Hurricane Hemedi. One of the chiles name is Resian, ama kitu kama hiyo,and she is kaudu shady. She borrowed Belinda Obura’s weave na hata haikuoshwa before she glued it on. -_-. She thinks she is amusing, (don’t ask me why)and she gets her stockings from Muthurwa.

The other mama is okay. If I were a boy, ningempeleka Java. Halafu a host of celebrities appered, no introduction, no name tags, nothing, I recognized Juliani and Madtraxx, who was taking up the entire corner house of the couch. Hakuna gyms 512? They were talking about relationships or something, and Juliani looked more bored than I was.
At some point, they introduced a new host. Aaaaaaaaaand it was Ian Mugoya! PAUSE right there.

Click on Image. Zoom in kids (if you are a girl or otherwise wayward). Feel free. This kijana is almost all that. However, he can hardly speak English! Ok, iExaggerate kidogo. But honestly, he can’t host a magazine show. Heck, he can’t even host an eating competition!!! (ya mkate na uji moto). This guy looks good, dashboard na kila kitu, so I suggest he be set as a prop, sitting on a bar stool, shirtless, looking all zeggzay nshit!

The problem with Kenyan folks is that they love copy pasting concepts without understanding their target market. The show is a ka loose format of BET’s 106 & Park. If only they can localize the concept, then it would make sense. OH BTW! Just cause you can tweng and you’re fwiiine doesn’t mean you can make a great TV host, just saying.

It goes without saying that the couch thing is a baaad idea bound-to-fail (prove me wrong!) because, soon they’ll run out of ‘celebs’ then they’ll invite ule matha wa mother-in-law to be their in-house expert. SMH. Kaytrixx is an okay DJ, and we were all happy when the show was all music.

Until I get me a life, nimehamia Tafrija. Wapi nduruuuu?

5’8.

P.S: My eye-lashes are yet to grow back. Someone recommend an eye-weave!!!!!
August 30, 2011
6:04
Open Post
» ‎ Media Madness

You bitched and we listened. Open post will be a weekly feature. (I love the way all of you MADE it clear who runs this hahaha in your face eeeeer PK) All the other features that Fiatu and Company negotiated for are still being worked out.

I’d like to wish my muslim brothers a happy eeeeer I don’t know what it’s called, all I know is I get to eat a lot of good food!

PEACE, bitches!
August 29, 2011
5:50
Yeah …
» ‎ Media Madness

Raphael Tuju launched his presidential bid this weekend. Well, we have a year to go until the next elections and the country is already being bombarded with presidential hopefuls.

When it came to reporting about Tuju, the Kenyan media ACROSS THE BOARD were as shallow as possible! I mean, it’s not like everyone knows who Tuju is, they mentioned where he used to work and all that shit I don’t care about. I was flipping channels trying to see who would talk about the AMAZING work he did for the folks in Rarieda, BUT NOTHING! It’s like everyone was reading from the same fucking script, all station focused on the fact that he was the only Nyanza MP to disagree with Raila! WHAT THE FUCK?! Does everything in this fucking country have to revolve around Raila? Raila is NOT a Nyanza MP, but our media houses had to remind us, Tuju was felled from his seat for not towing the Raila line! Shallow as fuck!

I expected the media to focus on his time as the minister for information, that was the time he was about to knock KISS Fm off the air for what he termed then as rogue broadcasting (He almost succeeded btw)

I expected our media folks to dig deeper into his role in Kibaki’s office since ’07. He was the president advisor on Media Relations and equality. Which policies did he help shape? I would have loved to hear that, BUT alas! The same class two politics reigned.

Now to Tuju, I’d vote for him, but he needs to scrape his dignity off the floor cause of the video below.

httpv://www.youtube.com/raphaeltuju#p/u/1/xiePiD8iiQ8

WAAIT let us talk about his sheng. He starts with ‘Saseni’ which is the same as saying ‘Hi’s, or Hellos’ FAIL! The he says ‘Uprezzo’ ummm 1987 anyone? He used the word ‘Gangari’ I don’t even know what the fuck that is. He then used the words ‘Farthest’ and ‘Mobest’ words commonly used by Buruklyn chicks.

He thinks speaking sheng is connecting with the youth. Boss, it’s not about sounding and LOOKING like us, please eer let’s make it very clear, I can understand English, talk to me about MY PROBLEMS, what would I want in a government? Hear my solutions to my problems, don’t try and get my vote by pretending to know me just ‘cause unaweza bonga sheng. Ata Sonko hubonga sheng.
August 26, 2011
9:32
Dear Diary
» ‎ Media Madness

I know there are those who will start the day by hating, which is ok. But it is really hard to come up with a story day by day, but we try. You the readers and commenters are important for the continuity of media madness, but really, there is a limit to the sucking up we can actually pull off. Anyway to “empower” you how about you name somebody and we will peek into their diary the way we used to. This way we’ll have at least one dear diary per week and whoever’s suggestion is picked feels some bit of power, like they saved the world or something. We’ll pick the names from your comments.
August 25, 2011
12:19
Open Post
» ‎ Media Madness

Busy busy day, almost forgot to put up something.

You can discuss anything from the politics behind nato’s invasion of Libya, to the ass(literal) on citizen yesterday night.

We are also busy compiling juicy stories as we verify some details here and there. Keep well
August 24, 2011
9:11
Open Post
» ‎ Media Madness

Yeye has taken Vee’s advice (See comments from yesterday’s posts).

I’m taking over from tomorrow.

In the mean time, let have an open post! Not to be a total dick, but PLO is fucked. Cecile is not taking his accusations lying down! Our scribes failed us again, but asking soft ball questions … they let PLO blabber on and now he HAS nothing to say *facepalm*
August 23, 2011
6:56
Boss, get a bigger net
» ‎ Media Madness

So yesterday, PLO the head of the KACC called a press conference to tell us all how an assistant minister and her hubby tried to bribe him with 100,000.

He went into mind numbing details about how they organized a sting operation and obviously the folks at KACC MUST be fans of Cobra Squad judging by how shoddy they were in organizing a sting operation (All for a 100k GEEZ). Someone peleka a 50 bob DVD of Law & Order Criminal intent to KACC so that they can see how a sting operation is done.

Back to the allegations, I felt dubbed. PLO gets 2.5 Million bob a month from our taxes to make sure his organization FUNCTIONS! Not to attend functions! I find it ridiculous that he insists on being the face of the organization, I don’t need to see a face, I need to see ACTION! I want to see folks tremble when they’re about to gawa my taxes! I don’t want to see them going through webster trying to understand what you’re saying.

Corruption is amazingly high in this country, audit processes are in the shitter! You’d think KACC would spend more time lobbying for stricter audit processes, instead they’re wasting time pursuing a guy who wanted to toa a 100k bribe and THEY still fail to catch him RED HANDED!

Don’t tell me photos of him and PLO are evidence he was trying to bribe him. If you say that, you need to spend more time talking to lawyers!

Instead of pursuing the guy bribing, why not DIG deeper as to his associates and why he’s inclined to give a bribe and then surprise him with court summons.

*Facepalm* we’re fucked.
6:45
Edited by Moderator
» ‎ Media Madness

Fiatu, allow me to use your ‘Line’. Since Friday, there has been a lot of back and forth between our river road office and my bedroom. Lots of discussion about this community.

Is moderation important? It is, one of our lawyers put together a T&C for this website and I suggest you READ it and understand why moderation has become an issue on Media Madness. [Download here Terms and Conditions ] I’d never want to have Nanni thrown to the dogs for something YOU have said here. Here’s the thing, MM takes your privacy very seriously, there is no way, we’d hand over your email address (although 99% of them are fake)

Why moderate all of a sudden? I’ll copy number 4 and 5 of our T&C

4. We will remove any content that may put us in legal jeopardy, such as potentially libelous or defamatory postings, or material posted in potential breach of copyright.

5. Comments left on the website DO NOT reflect the general views of Frankierants.com and therefore Frankierants.com cannot be held liable for comments posted by the community. However, if you feel that a comment casts you in bad light or is defamatory, email our moderator on info@frankierants.com and it will be removed.

Media Madness is being watched, some say that next year … the site will be crucial to national debates. That said, we noticed some people (Especially journalists) were coming here to ‘Chinja’ their workmates, obviously they would not come here to give us new insights or insider scoops. They come here to try and ‘Get us’ in trouble. They pull random stories outta their asses, then QUICKLY tell the workmate they just ‘Chinjad’.

This is not limited to journalists, we opened up a community, but the community has to be responsible. Sometimes, people will tell off folks who come here and spin a story from thin air, that’s good. But on our end, we’ll take down that comment. Please note, we won’t block you. We’ll just take down your comment.

Folks, read the T&C.

ION, dealing with all this durama has seriously aged me. So, for the next week or so, other people might fill in for me. But, I’d encourage YOU to send us a post on info@frankierants.com (Fiatu, Ivy League, JC, Gumzo, Karucy, Fresh Apple mko?) Let me see what you folks are made of.
August 22, 2011
7:05
The East Africa Music awards
» ‎ Media Madness

On Saturday, Alfred Mutua’s latest pet project went down (on its knees) at the Bomas of Kenya. The last time I defended Alfred Mutua, I was THROWN under the bus by the folks here and I was accused of being paid.

I’ll start by saying, the idea of a regional award is a good idea, the Kisima awards kinda touches on East Africa, but when was the last time you heard of Kisima. Ted Josiah left and the whole thing crumbled.

Back to the East Africa Music awards, they were LIVE on KBC from the Bomas of Kenya. I was supposed to be there, but there was no way I was going to ruin my weekend by sitting in traffic on Langata road.

I just thank Jesus that I was watching this hot mess on my couch, ‘cause if I was at the Bomas, ningechapa mtu kofi!

Let’s start with the LIVE show itself, yaani … the show was running without a stage manager or even a fucking director! It was RAW RAW, it seemed like the live feed to KBC was an afterthought. Live TV is NOT A JOKE, the logistics are a headache, plus you want to make sure everything flows cause you want to cram a lot of things in like a 2 hour period. Now, if you thought Mother IN law had pauses, you missed out on the pauses on this live show. A dancer was kept ‘waiting on the wings’ for a cool 3 minutes cause the announcer was probably huko downing a ‘fanda’

The reason award shows are big abroad is the performances, no ONE will ever forget Pink’s performance of ‘Glitter in the air’ at the Grammy’s last year. I watched Kidum and BMF performing and I was in tears, tears of anger! These guys were performing ni kama wako crusade, BMF did not even perform live NKT!

Then came some random guy with a luminous green outfit and his dancers in pink outfits! Yaani, for a minute I thought I was huko Buru being entertained by a random ‘Congole’ guy. The dancers re-defined chapanese, one chick must have thought she was Beyonce with her blonde weave and everything … and the dances yaani, I expect you to dance like that if you’re kaodo constipated.

The only thing that saved the East Africa Music awards was Papa Wemba, DUDE can still get down!! His band was so on point, even with KBC’s fucked up sound, you still could see they had PRACTISED! Kenyan artistes, I hope you took notes.

Who won? Ummm can’t remember their names.

Psssst! Shout-out to Juliani for Jana’s performances at his album launch, huyu mzeiya AKO JUU!
August 19, 2011
7:30
Just a reminder …
» ‎ Media Madness

At the VERY bottom of this website, there’s a disclaimer. In part, it warns that your comments might be deleted if I, YES I deem it to be inappropriate.

The person tasked with moderating has been on and off for 2 months now. But I was handed access to Disqus yesterday and I’m ready for the challenge.

Happy blogging community and remember, I’m watching you and coming here to ‘settle‘ scores is not accepted.

To avoid a spat, I’ve closed off comments on this reminder.
7:00
New show!!
» ‎ Media Madness

This Sunday at 9.55 pm, a new show goes on Air on NTV. It’s called ‘The Expedition’ one guy and one girl from 12 Kenyan Universities battle it out in a survivor type set of challenges, physical and mental to test their leadership skills.

The whole show is a brilliant concept! It reminds me about the Zain Africa Challenge, a show I loved to bits! I even suspect Ivy League was on the show. What makes ‘The Expedition’ special is because it’s a ‘Climax’ to ‘I’m a Co-operator’. I’m a Co-operator is a program by the CIC Foundation (the CSR arm of CIC insurance)

The program is run in partnership with the ministry of Co-operative Development; it aims to increase youth participation in the co-operative movement and help create a generation of leaders by imparting leadership skills and knowledge.

These good folks would love it if the young guys turned their chamas (Merry go rounds) into co-operatives.

My friends, have you heard of Githunguri Dairy Co-operative? No? Maybe you’ve consumed their products … Fresh Dairy Milk and Fresha yogurt. These folks started as a simple co-operative and now most of them are rolling in money. Following yesterday’s discussion about Kenya’s education, one thing STUCK out. Entrepreneurship needs to be a unit for every ‘course’ in university.

I’ll be honest, I’m trying out farming, it helps to actually start applying ‘In real life’ what you learn in school. Explore the opportunities that present themselves. Learn to take risks, set SMART goals (Even if you’re in formal employment)

With that, I’d like to wish all of you a beautiful weekend.
August 18, 2011
6:00
Ujinga Daily!
» ‎ Media Madness

In 2003, Matamela Cyril Ramaphosa a prominent figure in the business and political community in South Africa was invited by powerful people to Nairobi to give several talks.

When he came, his ‘People’ through his group Johncom, a part of the publishing firm Johnnic Holdings expressed interest in buying into the Standard Group. Standard group was ready for the deal, but one of the powerful shareholders, a man who ruled us for many many year told the fellas at the Standard Group to lay off the cheap grass ‘cause he was not in the media business for money but rather for influence. He felt that selling a stake to a foreigner would make him lose power on ‘things’

But Cyril was not done, through his media arm; he expressed interest in launching ‘Business Day’ a very successful newspaper in Ghana, Nigeria and now South Africa. What then happened? Nation Media Group quickly assembled a team and the started publishing ‘The Business Daily’ a high end newspapers with its primary target being the business people.

The paper was born to try and ‘Own’ the business reporting ‘Space’ incase ‘Business day’ ever came into the market.

They poached Nick Wachira, a very sharp guy from the Standard. Nick started by launching Smart Company, a pull out that was in the Daily Nation.

But, one swallow doesn’t make a summer. Years later, the paper is doing BADLY! From circulation to general advertising, some advertisers have been overheard saying ‘Just weka me in the Nation, ata sitaki hizo value add za Business Daily’

The paper is simply rubbish! Even the people who it targets, business people admit the paper is crap! It gets so many things wrong! It’s like typos pitched tent at their offices! WTF … take a look at this one.

The closest they get to the BIG financial papers is having their articles printed on pink paper.

You think they’re done giving us garbage every day? Look at this headline from last week!

This is FUCKERY of the worst order! How the hell do you compare a speculator a WORLD respected INVESTOR???? It’s like me opening up Starehe Centre’s newsletter and in there they tell me Father Kizito ametosha! He’s the TRUTH!

They changed the headline last night after folks threw spanners and the internet at the folks at the Business Daily.

??? WHAT? Their headlines are usually misleading and JUST pure speculation!!! The stories are even worse, loose on facts and very pedestrian in their analysis! Kenya doesn’t have enough business stories to run a daily paper! What’s WORSE; we don’t even have BUSINESS REPORTERS to report the few stories we have in the market! All of them sip from the same stupidity cup.

NMG please shut it down! Your ‘Knee jerk reactions’ always come back to kick you in the nuts, remember Daily Metro? It was launched to ‘beat’ the Star newspapers. Months later, it had to be closed down.

Typo Photo from
August 17, 2011
10:15
2 years down the ‘Line’
» ‎ Media Madness

On the morning of August 17^th2009 as we helped a friend pack to head back to the states, an idea was hatched ‘Media Madness’. Problem is, none of us had an idea how to set-up a blog. We sought the help of a friend who knew how ‘Things worked’ and within an hour, Media Madness was online.

Content was a problem, the blog had no activity for days. But then, other friends started helping and media madness became a place to come and cheer ourselves up when Qualitative Methods became a bitch.

So far, we’ve had 8 writers on the team! Some still write for us, some just give us insights (they’re too busy). Since August 17^th 2009, 1139 posts and well over 50,000 approved comments. We average about 5,500 unique visits a day!

Tumetoka mbali, last year, we moved to a .com page. We stopped being a blog, we became a community. Everyone that came to this website HAD A voice and we offered them a platform to be heard. Allowing the people who visit the site to take part in the conversation was the best decision we’ve ever made.

The last two years

The last two years have not being easy. We blog about an industry that is run by ‘Mini-gods’ their word is the TRUTH and everything else is HATE AND MALICIOUS. The industry needs to be checked, we did that and they were not going to take it lying down.

Threats have come from everywhere, even Grace Kerongo! Who spent time telling anyone who’d listen that she would ‘Beat’ ‘Media Madness’ up. Grace, we’re still waiting. We’ve had editors send us shady ass ‘Demand letters’ even using big words like ‘The internet police’ in a bid to gag one of the funniest commenters on this site.

The editor who sent the demand letter forgot one thing; we’re not 2 years old. In two years, we’ve seen folks go all out on their columns, making up events just because their egos have been hurt.

We’ve seen ‘Radio producers/Neo-soul artistes’ write ‘Exposes’ calling this a ‘Gay site’ run by faggots. To those young fellas, we’d like to thank them for making some of us ‘Famous’, we’d also like to remind them that being gay is okay and we know their boyfriends.

In the last two years, we’ve seen the loudest in the industry go from ‘Media Madness is shit’ to ‘Media Madness is the shit’ in a bid to make us like them more and maybe not talk about how shit they are. We’re glad you’re reading, but we can see through your bullshit.

In the last two years, we’ve become every PR’s person nightmare. You see, PR in this country is about buying influence and boy, aren’t we bloody expensive! What’s worse, who do you, pay? You might pay me but will you get to the other ‘Yeyes’ or the crazy ass ‘Wrong Number’?

In two years, we’ve seen a site grow from a few sentences of bitching to some of the most insightful pieces about the media industry. We’ve seen this site, influence decisions. That’s powerful, and that has been possible because of the community of ‘Crazy, witty, intelligent, and insightful’ commentators

What next?

Media Madness was NOT supposed to go into 2011, 8 months later, we’re still here, the site was not planned to happen. The same way it was not planned, is the same way it will leave the internet, without a plan.

Early this year, we got into talks to hand over the website; the talks hit a dead end because we were scared.

In May, we signed an agreement that will see us till 2013, yes … we’re here till 2013, and no one knows what will happen between now and then. You might wake up and find an online magazine. You might wake up and find us docked onto the Nation website.

Finally, we’d like to thank you all for taking time to visit. Blogging is hard. Having a pack of wolves waiting everyday makes running media madness quite a task!

Back to business kesho.

PK
August 16, 2011
10:16
Bitchfest!
» ‎ Media Madness

If you’re not familiar with the post … please read previous bitch-fest entries (Heck I’m trying to be angry)

Now, I’m TIRED of polling in this country, yaani jana a company called Smart Octopus … wait … let us talk about that name! WHAT THE FUCK is that? Yaani, these folks never went to business school? Business names can make or break you, when I hear Smart Octopus, I think of ‘Betting’ (Remember Paul the octopus?) maybe that was their aim, because polling in this country is pure bullshit! Anyway Smart Octopus is already polling to find out who our next president is … dude?! It’s a year away, we have hunger destinations and photo ops to go to … can’t you read the mood?

Dear Miguna Miguna, you remind me of my bitter ex! Bitch never complained when she was nyonyaing my wallet and other things dry! The day I told her to kanyanga floor, she realized … oh wait! He has a small penis!!! And she shared that bit with everyone (it’s a lie btw, don’t believe anything she says)

On Media Madness, we use the word Fame Whore a lot … now time to bring it back … have y’all noticed how everyone is eager to get on to a plane and head to Turkana? Question … HOW does it help unless you’re going there to WORK? Taking a photo and shedding a few tears is not work, nor is holding a tin and pouring grain for folks. Work, like actual work … ONLY doctors and medical personell should be heading to like Daabad, y’all are just famewhores! The money you’re using to fly there should towards the ACTUAL cause!

Still on this issue, I sat with a few urbanites who like Eric Latiff, insist Kenyans for Kenya is a MOVEMENT and we’re going to ‘SHOW’ the government WE CAN DO IT ON OUR OWN, girls and boys, please sit down. Thank you

Dear Janice, coffee is a BRILLIANT brain stimulant *Hands her a Java gift card* also this _ is called an underscore … yours a BIG capital in the morning fan.

Now, the latest fad is ‘Healthy Juices’ yaani akina Beetroot (my cucu calls it Beatrice) garlic and shit like that is made into a nasty juice.

Thing is, folks who indulge in this thing end up having mouths that smell like a day old salad. They open their mouth and Cockroaches QUIT and walk out! Kwanza like this morning … I sat to mama who WOULD NOT shut up!!!! I wonder how she even ‘gets it’
August 15, 2011
7:06
TAS finale
» ‎ Media Madness

I blogged about it when it went on air, had to do it when it went off air.

Tusker All Stars ended its run last night. The show was not live (I juad towards the end of the show, since Eve can’t keep her mouth shut on Twitter)

Alpha, Msechu and Davis were the top three favorites on the show. They will perform alongside an international artist by the end of the year.

Now the show was very good, brilliant music and all BUUUUT Hemedi had to come in and spoil it for all of us. First of all, he can’t be classy when he’s abusing anyone! His ghetto/ushamba side came out when he was dissing Ian. Even telling him to go work in a farm!?! Duude that is not a fucking insult, my father is a farmer; he makes more than your whole fucking village!

I wish to educate Hemedi in the art of ‘abuse’ he should have told Ian ‘Go work a hoe … in the farm’ see, you bring in an element of prostitution in a very subtle manner, for a brief moment I felt like I was in Kenyatta market, such weak abuses! NKT!

He then went ahead and bragged about sijui his movies and singles? C’mon … my friend, you were cast on a show for 8 weeks, if you’re that big, you wouldn’t have time to be on the show!

*Breathes in* In other TV news, Slimpossible season 2 is back, even before the hot mess that was Season 1 cools down! This time she has like 12 women. Yaani, I have no words. Wachira, I know you read this, my friend … have it as a separate program. Dude, in the middle of fucking news? C’mon that’s being a bit butter brained.
August 12, 2011
7:45
Another meeting
» ‎ Media Madness

So we got our fly to ride on Belinda Obura’s weave (Gurl, go easy on the motions) We’ve been trying to eavesdrop on ‘Management’ meeting at RMS and this was our chance. Once our fly got into the office, it did a bit of flying around. Yaani, SK’s office and his wife’s take up a whole freaking FLOOR! His office looks like a gava office, a thick ass red carpet and then a huuuge ass desk and ‘Buttafry’ ‘China’ leather seats in the place.

His office is the size of the sales office (sales are like fote). His office is posh and shady, the stuff jamathogas are made of.

In the room, there’s a photo of him ‘grating’ the preeseedent.

The meeting was between ‘Sharemana’ Vice ‘Shareman’ the MD and a guy called Mbugua. 90% of it was in Kikuyu. Here is the manuscript from the 10 minute meeting.

SK: Alright, tazama chapaa irarehire mbecha cigana?

WW: Around 300 Million, thutha wa ku-reward viewers. Ni mbecha jega muno icio. Tondu hatirari na overheads nyigi

VC: Brirriant!!! Na this week, accounts sina 81,335,225.45 icio nishio ciokite this week. But we have some suppliers matari marariha, but don’t wary, natuma reminder.

Mbugua: Riure, programming nindereda we change a few things, hoonestray, Tahidi high ni boring muno. Washira, urona atia?

WW: Infact, nie ndiredaga marikie high school, then we can start a new show. Ndina proposals cigana ona. I’ll look into it, we dukamake.

SK: Alsoright, eka uria ukwenda … I don’t have a problem. Na riure, uyu mundo ugwitwa Ririan, aaaih tuo tusikati arekira ni tight muno *Shaking his head*

VC: YES! Tusikati tuo ekire gwake mucio, ti studio ciakwa! Ni ara hinga athuri ene!

WW: Sawa, ningumwira

Mbugua: By the way, mwana wa Kamau uria wa hadiware haria Kirigiti nia arenda wera

SK: Ena quarryfications?

VC: Ni mushongi’?

Mbugua: Muno, ni muthoku take

VC: Hatikire na thina, muhe wera.

SK: How is completion?

WW: KTN guthukite! Wee [ALL LAUGH] na Kiss TV tiga kurehe athungu makienge’rania barabara …

VC: That show is called Shitters … niguo?

WW: Eeeeh, iyo

SK: By the way, kamudu gaka ka wedding show ni ndereda gacave wedding ya my cousin

WW: No problem

SK: Before you go, compiro a rist of the editors and reporters ureda gufuta, I approve friday … niguo?

WW: Sawa
7:42
FUCK!
» ‎ Media Madness

Yaani nothing in this town can ever work straight ’cause of some ninjas???? Our MP’s are about to take us hostage if they’re NOT ALLOWED TO BREAK THE FUCKING LAW to avoid paying taxes.

Fuck you!!! This morning, I’m starting and name and shame … I’ll troll websites and weka names and bios of the ones who want to break the damn law!
August 11, 2011
7:00
Transfer window is NOW OPEN!
» ‎ Media Madness

Yes!!! The transfer window is OPEN! But this year, it seems everyone is keen on seeing wallets first, before they make that move!!! Some are just flashing the middle ‘figa’ to their employers and walking out without a plan B.

Coco

Let’s start with the folks at One Fm. One of their breakfast hosts ‘Coco’ didn’t even show up for work this week, he simply sent a ninja to come pick up his stuff. Yaani he was that fed up with One Fm, rumour on the ka-chochoro between Laico and Barclays Plaza is that ‘Unfulfilled promises’ were the reason Coco chose to walk out! I’m a little disappointed though, with a name like that, he should have walked out like a DURAMA QUEEN! Go on air, go on a rant and then walk out *Sigh*

Rumours from the same chochoro indicate Radio Africa is about to raid One Fm’s talent. A few ‘whispers’ are going on that their whole afternoon shift will move! Kwisha!

At KTN, folks who LOL when NTV tried to poach them last year are the ones seeking NTV now! They’re frustrated and one male anchor who defends KTN nikama alizaliwa akiwa ameshika funguo za transmission room is the one most likely to jump ship, if NTV still wants him.

At Radio Africa, one of their ‘Big guys’ have been whispering to his friends at Cocktail parties that he doesn’t get the support he needs to be ‘Amazing’ and so for the last 6 months, he has been weighing his options teren teren.
August 10, 2011
7:35
Spread the love
» ‎ Media Madness

Once in a while on MM, we take a breather, open up the curtains to let the sunshine in and open the window to let the fresh ‘atmosphere in’ . Today, I’m hosting the lovely folks at Spread the Love, for the first time in days, I’m wearing pants ‘cause these folks are special.

This Saturday, they’re spreading the love at Nairobi West Prison; it’s in LA, they want us to interact with the folks who are behind bars and more importantly the folks who sorta ‘look’ after them, the wardens. During the day, we’ll be cleaning building, re-painting a few and cutting grass in the compound!

Yes, I’ll be there. I’m dropping all my pretentious urban ways and heading to LA (Take javs number #15 or #126 shukia at Wilson, then cross). Please be there by 8.30 Am, parents (Mko wengi hapa) your kids are home for the holidays, be a star and have them join us for community service. We’re not asking you for money, just your time and good cheer.
Spread The Love’s goal is to get Kenyans to realize the power they hold in changing Kenya. Last Year they refurbished and painted police stations and schools. This year the plan is to visit three Prisons and impact lives. More than that, this year they are planning a Spread The Love Gala Night where they recognize and appreciate our community’s positive change-makers. Do you know someone who deserves to be on the list? Nominate them here . A Panel made up of extraordinary individuals including Gina Din, Jeff Koinange, Murithii Wanjau and Peter Nduati among others will decide the Spread The Love recipients.

Do your part in nominating the people making a difference.
7:34
Interesting …
» ‎ Media Madness

So before the True Love story goes cold like last night’s Mukimo. Let me tell you about an email we got yesterday.

To quote the email

I like your article on True Love but you did get one thing wrong. South Africa failed because of mismanagement by people like Carole Mandi who were high on their success horses, they let their little slaves do all the work and underpaid them while they flitted off for mani/pedis and hair appointments in the middle of the day in their Mercedes Benz. Writers know exactly what the readers want. They are the ones who are in touch with reality on the ground. They take matatus and go to “Jamos” salon and shop at “Brayos” stall not because they don’t have cars…because they do…and not because they don’t have class…because they do. But to stay in touch with reality. The editors and publishers and other royal highnesses on the other hand think their best friends Sasha and Wangare Vanderboot buy True Love just because they lie through their teeth that they do just to get on their good side.

So, they kill their writers’ suggestions and put their own in. Why do you think True Love’s well-schooled, highly experienced writers never make it past senior writer or deputy editor? It’s because the divaness publisher wants an editor she can turn into a disciple. Someone who is desperate to worship and emulate. Not someone with fresh ideas who is dying for a chance to get into that content and give it a makeover!!!! The high turnover at CMM is because of such total disrespect for talent and disregard for good advice. The same syndrome can be seen even in the dailies. Content is driven by the high and mighties i.e. board members who have no idea what their 30-something girlfriends really, really want

I was like ‘Essuss me’ that’s a new angle to the crap content we have in most of our dailies … managers who have no idea what’s hot on the ground dicating content. Sad, very sad. Someone mentioned also the folks who sometimes write for these dailies are kinda butter brained. They drink all day and all night, with the same clique. Their perspective on matters is fucked, that’s why they can never offer new insights and they resort to coming to blogs and copy pasting lines from ‘commentors’
August 09, 2011
7:35
Not again!
» ‎ Media Madness

So a ka-pot of trouble is brewing at True Love or rather the company that publishes True Love (The name escapes me). Let’s rewind, in 2009 Media 24 a South African publishing company decided to can its operations in this market.

Back then, I remember (I wasn’t on MM then) guys tearing apart the South Africans for NOT understanding this market and their high cost of publishing which made margins for the two magazines even slimmer.

Media 24 blamed the circulation numbers amongst the reasons they quit this market. Carole Mandi VOWED to bring back the two magazines. Last year, she was allowed to bring back the magazine under a franchise agreement. Months later, she’s facing the same problems Media 24 was facing. Even with a slimmer (Trust me, it’s a lean staff) staff, the magazines are NOT flying off the shelves! They’re already having cash flow problems; some writers who’ve penned pieces for the magazine have not received payment since March! Yes, she tries to make it fresh by having different writers almost every month, but this strategy is not doing her any justice

Is she getting ads? Oh yes! But how much is a full page ad? It’s like 200k; you still need money from circulation to be able to cover all your costs. But why aren’t the magazines flying off the shelves? Don’t we read enough???? I mean it’s only 250! If they’re spot on with their target market (Bougie and Upwardly mobile urbanites) the magazine should be selling no?

I’ll tell you what the problem is. In my entrepreneurship classes, our lecturer likes reminding us about ‘A unique selling point’ what’s your business’s unique selling point? What makes you different from all the rest? What makes you stand out?

If I stripped all the bylines on True Love and the titles, what would make a reader differentiate it from Passion? Don’t say quality.

What would make me read it and say, this is a page from True Love? See what I’m getting at? True Love HAS NO UNIQUE selling point! It’s the same crap every month! Same personalities as last year, last month they had Muthoni from KNHCR, good one! But inside the magazine there was NOTHING SPECIAL and that’s why I read the magazine as I chilled for my doctor! I won’t buy it unless it has nipple hardening content.

Look at Insyder magazine, their content is unique because it’s tailored to a SPECIFIC audience, I really don’t know who True Love wants to target. I’m lost in their mathogothanio.

On the other hand, I kinda like the direction Drum is taking, ‘Society’ women. They had Particia Ithau the other day, they have Wangari Mathai this month (she’s been ill btw, sad story). They have more pages covering ‘Society’ events. But at some point, they lose me when they start sounding like Nation’s Saturday magazine.

Back to True Love, are we going to see them start limping out of the market? Well, they can opt for a make-over.
August 08, 2011
6:30
The worst LIVE TV event ever!
» ‎ Media Madness

Remember how we always make fun of Baul Melly for hijacking the Bresenter’s Final show? Well, Baul is off the hook ‘cause Lilian Muli took it to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL!

Her segment ‘Slimpossible’ was coming to an end on Friday, complete with a live event at um um I can’t remember the name of the Hotel, but you get my drift, it was not within a studio environment.

First of all, the irony of the whole thing was just SMH … they first ran stories about hunger THEN reward a woman who had to cut down her consumption.

The show itself, Lilian was okay, the other elements of the show weren’t. It looked like the whole thing lacked PLANNING. It’s like they just let Lilian run the whole thing with support staff. No director, floor manager, NOTHING!

Things started going downhill when the contestants started walking in to the ‘stage’. They walked and walked! One lady almost tripped on her freaking dress!!! The contestants were sat with the watus … no special partition, at one point … one contestant had to get her CHILD who was throwing a tantrum, yaani, it felt like a badly shot wedo.

THEEEEN, came the award ‘Ceremony’ clearly Citizen was not ready to spend 2 bob on this event. Everything was sponsored, kwani they couldn’t even get music for the whole event? Someone on Twitter joked that the sports guy (the tazama ‘Shapa’ one) was behind akina Lilian blowing into a fanta bottle to produce the ‘music’ LMAO! I kinda agree, nikama percussion instruments!

I swear I’ll never forget the lady ‘Nancy’ who was giving out ‘golod vochas’! She made my night, she represents Rural Swaga KABISA!!! Did y’all see her teach the contestants how to ‘Cat walk’ NO MAAAM! That’s not how we do it … I have ‘Refusaid’

Then came the most awkward moment on TV, one of the contestant thought Catherine Kasavuli was Julie Gichuru!!!!! Oh no she didn’t!!

Finally, the winner was announced, I really have no words for Lilian and her team. How was the winner selected? The mama who won the whole thang was not the one who
6:00
Congratulations
» ‎ Media Madness

Congratulations to Simon Rushton on his wedding. Simon is the head of Kiss Creative (Laughter here). He used to be at the same position years back, he is a nice fella. He and Phil Mathews (Remember him? The coolest mothungo on radio ever) formed the Radio Academy. Phil now works in Dubai and Simon was in the UK and he came back recently.

He married a sweet girl called Keziah (Or something of the sort) how does it tie back to Media Madness? Well, Simon was ONCE engaged to Sheila Mwanyigha. Back then (2004) , all Sheila would talk about was how grand the wedding would be and the big ass ring she was given. Then she went ahead and dumped his ass.

Congrats Simon. it’s taken you very many burgers (chunga waistline baba) and 7 years to get over your heartbreak.
August 05, 2011
7:23
Well, well, well
» ‎ Media Madness

Yesterday the ‘Internets’ went crazy as texts sent to Maina during a show last month (I’m guessing last month or June) were published on a blog.

I’d seen the texts (Minus the numbers) last week when someone posted them on the comments section of this blog. The texts are quite ridiculous and stupid; it just shows the folks who usually engage classic 105 in conversation are THICK AS FUCK! I’ll go a step further, they all sound like they fikad class four and started years later became ‘beeseeness’ men and women! I refuse to believe someone who interacts with smart people would be THAT STUPID! The stories all stink of shit, heck some of them are about shit!

My goodness! Now, about those texts leaking, initially it was thought the leak was from their SMS provider. But their SMS provider, (partly owned by Kiprono Kitonny, who also co-owns Radio Africa with other folks) WOULD never do this, so after investigations, it was agreed that the leaks came from Radio Africa. Here’s the thing, to access those texts, you must have the password and a username. In this case, Radio Africa has ONE login for everyone; all you need to do to log in to those texts is have the URL to access the portal.

What is Radio Africa doing about this SERIOUS breach of privacy? Well for now, the usual talk ‘We’ve implemented measures to ensure this never happens’ what’s sad, is the fact they haven’t told their listeners that their numbers are floating on the inter-webs. Someone said to me yesterday, ‘They’re JUST numbers’ there isn’t a privacy breach there *walks out to pray for that brother*

Privacy is a serious issue, imagine if I woke up and posted all the email addresses left alongside comments??? That would be wrong right??? Now think about this Classic thing, numbers of people who send you porno are floating on the web and YOU just DO NOTHING? Radio Africa needs to check itself before it wrecks itself. Anyway, from past incidences, it seems they don’t mind when their employees distribute private info.

Oh by way, one guy’s motto at Radio Africa is ‘if they’re not talking about you, you should be very worried’

Tafakari hayo
7:22
When I grow up …
» ‎ Media Madness

On the British American ad for their IPO, the kids say ‘When I grow up’ I want … the kids say what they want to become because of the people in their lives.

Now, when I saw these photos on Monday, I spent hours thinking of that lawn, I’d do bad bad things to certain people on that lawn. That lawn is the TRUTH!!!!! I’d spend hours rolling around it *sigh*

This is a pastor’s residence. But I don’t fault him for living large and absolutely enjoying these wonderful worldly pleasures. What I’d like to know is, who exactly paid for this house? What are his sources of income? Church is becoming quite the eeer business, my church announced 53 Million in revenues last year. But, they accounted for EVERY penny. Now, imagine if that was MY kanisa, who would audit me.

What makes me sad are the televangelists, they’re like Pro-wrestlers, the one with the best and freshest antics wins. The win for the televangelists are the MAAAAAANY who come to your service everyday and this translates to revenue, which then translates into a Range Rover Sport.

Just like a company, these pastors identified a need and found a way to satisfy that need.
August 04, 2011
7:10
Open Post
» ‎ Media Madness

Click on image to enlarge. Social sites, Facebook and Twitter have all made us into ‘Journalists’ we want to BREAK NEWS before everyone else.

When we all want to break news first, most of us fuck up. I’m looking at you Eve De Souza. On Tuesday, the guy running the Citizen Facebook page made a FATAL error, these are the typos that lead to dismissal. The guy later took down the post and apologized for the mistake.
August 03, 2011
6:10
The reasons ….
» ‎ Media Madness

*Sigh* Yes, I know y’all are waiting for an explanation for what happened yesterday. I was too afraid to even read the comments.

MM tells it like it is, it’s time we told you WHAT IS REALLY going on. Here goes, MM is run by a group of young ones, we all know that. No one is ever fulltime. Over the last few weeks, tremendous things have happened to each one of us. Most of us got new roles (off the web), one guy asked to be allowed ‘Creative Space’ till September and for me, I took on new responsibilities.

Even look at the Fashion Page, Nigel had no posts for a week. He was so busy that week; you could only talk to him at night.

Writing is mad fun for me, I usually start taking down notes for a post at like 11 Am. By the end of the day, I’m already piecing it together, but since Friday, I haven’t been able to do that. I’ve been doing a minimum of three hours of sleep a day. My friends, I’m fucking tired, NOT of you, no … life is on the super highway these days. I use this blog as a way to ‘calm down’ my nerves. But this week is mad hectic. I can barely return phone calls.

The good thing is, there are new hires that might come in by the end of the month. That will mean, all I have to do is sit down and edit posts! That means, I can be funny again!!!! Yees! See, those posts that have you laughing and peeing on yourself, take time to do. Look around, how many Kenyan blogs have content everyday, 99% of it being funny? NONE!

We try, so guys please understand. I sometimes feel like I fucked up by agreeing to do this, but then I read your comments and I want to JUST write another post! LOL

Some might say, you guys have no content. I disagree, we have content to last us a year. MM is very ‘current affairs’ if nothing is happening we always have a back-up plan. Just look at the site since June, rarely NO gossip, but yet the numbers and interaction on the site were at all time high! I love where we are and where we’re going. The conversations on the site baffle everyone; they’re funny and yet offer some powerful insights! Like I didn’t know Israel receives a shit load of aid from the USA.

This week, we are doing something some of you might hate. We’re re-posting some of the best articles on MM. Why? Well, these are the posts that made our good friend Catherine Abonyo laugh so hard, she even cried. She passed on last Friday. I met Catherine with the rest of the MM crew last year before we turned one. We were trying to monetize the site. She had NO IDEA what MM was; she listened to us and even offered some powerful insights.

Days later, she called and said she HAD read all the posts and she could not stop laughing. She became one of our biggest fans. Catherine Abonyo was the sweetest lady. We send her home this Saturday; I’ve been depressed since Friday. I’ve privately cried for her, but I know she’s in a better place. Goodbye Catherine, RIP.
6:09
Mitumba!
» ‎ Media Madness

Before you read this, make sure you read the explanation post above. You’ll understand why we’re doing this.

The post below was originally done on October 13^th Last year. It took 8 days to do. This post was part two of a three part series. We spent a whole weekend sitting at Java Sarit piecing it together.

Ironically, the post had talked about Mitumba.

Yes, there are a lot of strange mannerisms that only happen in Eastern Africa. Ugandans and Tanzanians have theirs too. E.g. We will ‘chambua’ that one ‘anaa’ day’ (Why do people say that? What the fuck is anaa day? ‘’Anaa day we just boe-ka-ing’…eehhhhh we were ‘wha rever-ing? What the fuck is ’whar ever ing?…

I know one of my worst peculiar habits is I don’t read signs…especially lifts, which brings us nicely to point number one lifts:

1. Kenyans and Lifts??? The damn thing always has an arrow well lit showing down or up…then some idiot asks ‘ Inaenda juu ama chini?WTF? Hapana! Pia inaenda sideways?? And those idiots in lifts who talk loudly on the phone to impress unsuspecting chicks… “Haaro, Haaro? Ndirakuigwa mani. Siku skiiiii! Ogea na guvu. Ahhhh!? Ok ok ok ah! Very good! Yes yes yes transfer the 6 mirrion, horaight horaight, very good, niguo yes to my account. Yes very good! Niguo!

2. Kenyans and phones in mathrees? Why do Kenyans love to talk loudly on their phones in mats?? And they’re randomly silly conversations too.’’ Hallo? Ati nini? Heeeee! Ambia hako kaumbwa nitaaa katwanga! ‘

3. Kenyan TV news is the most annoying thing! (Besides the cheap suits, nasty weaves and fake twengs.) Why do the newscasters always say crap like ‘Abdi Osman? Thank you for that report? Why are they thanking him? It’s his fuckin’ job!! It’s like thanking a condii after taking your fare. What’s even more annoying is that common rubbish of two complete blondes discussing the newsclip that just ended in overtones. One idiot goes

Michael Njenga: ’.Amazing! *Shaking his head* ‘but I guess the government has to step in eh?

The other idiot goes

Belinda Obura: That’s right!’ what a story eh!!!!! You are so right Michael.

Micheal Njenga: Okay now? More to come after the break?

Belinda Obura: So as we go into the break?

Micheal Njenga: Yes Belinda????

Belinda Obura: We ask the question….is it right for the government to step in?

WTF? Is going on???? Meanwhile, I’m about to scream! I’m like ‘Stupid idiots! Shut the fuck up and read the damn autocue!’ That’s all you know how to do in life anyway. You’re too daft to do anything else or you would be already successfully doing that something else!’ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

4. Kenyans and Shados?…In the club, inside cafes, in offices? And if you have cool shados, your buddy asks ‘Ebu wacha ni zi checki? They try them on? They ask ‘Uli buy wapi? WTF? Why is it your business? Uhuru Highway Optics???

5. Kenyans and toothpicks (or tu-broken matchsticks) after lunch? You have eaten fruit-salad hapo city market, then you walk back all the way till Nation centre na tooth pick beating storos.WTF?! Any meal is for toothpicks

6. Some Kenyan men tend to have weak moves of ‘hollaing at babes? You’re a hot mama in a club in Westlands, with your girlfriends minding your own biz, some random dude tries to ‘hit on you, you brush him off, he sneers he clicks. Nkt! and goes ‘Your loss!! ??????Dudes WTF is this nonsense of ‘Your loss????

7. Also why do Kenyan babes take shit and disrespect from dudes? Especially the ones they actually know from before e.g. go to college with or jobo with. .A dude calls a babe randomly and asks..weee wee? Who kamatas you nowadays? She asks why? (Very perturbed)…I want to kamata you!…WTF!?

8. Gully creepers! Is a name for ‘Babes who wear six inch heels, and can barely walk in them, they walk funny…so they look like they’re doing the gully creeper dance! (Wewe usicheke!..that goes for a lot of young Nairobi women)..Honey? High heels are not for walking in randomly all the damn time! Especially on those paved or non paved barabaras or whilst ‘javing. And yes even if you have a moti, you can’t drive in that shit. You’re just messing your mgongos! WTF.

9. Kenyan weddings??? There’s ZERO innovation and committee minutes can be photocopied and used by other peeps. I wonder why people have to meet for 6 months ati to ‘pangaa’! We know Kayamba will always sing, you will omba a merc or a Range nowadays (WTF), you will go to photo session either at Village market, river café or rock city or safari park, you will serve pilau ‘njeri, the mama from the bride’s side won’t shut up (During her speech) Uyu Ri, ni muthaka na ni witu!!! You will sing some corrupted traditional shit.‘Werukamu ni wa kinya kwa nyina wa waitherero…siti downeeee!…’ weru kamu????? That nonsense of the bridal party coming into the reception very late dancing in a line is so obvious and lame…hanini! hanini !hanini coka thutha hanini…! (Jango weddings…Opekele women are a must! Luhya weddings one must mwana mberi ( first born) even if the guy or babe is the 7^th born in a family of 9!WTF!.. and then there’s that camera dude on a pick up???WTF

10. Kenyan bad fashion trends! Those women’s suits from Turkey…WTF…kwanza they were the ones in different shades of brown and then now we have the pseudo shiny ones…(btw they’re flammable) They can totally catch fire along with your weave! You can easily be a marehemu!…If you’re a smoker and toss a cigarette butt carelessly, you can light a babe on fire! Or on a hot day with a magnifying glass at a good angle ‘utamchoma bwana???’.

11. Mitush! Even moneyed chicks still want to incessantly indulge in mitush Toi market ?? Ni kama Deacons ya Kibera? And they supplement their wardrobes with Jamia mall exhibition suits made of polypropylene. Kwanza newscasters/reporters of NTV and KTN have serious credo there at Jamia Mall (Cynthia Nyamai’s 53k salo ‘ishas’ at such like tu-boutiques….with her mushaino suits?)

Then these babes with size 58 hips and skinny jeans? You do look like a barrel balancing on matchsticks. And there’s there new trend of long sun dresses with flowers! Kwani they’re bought in kilos in Gikosh! Ama zinapewa kama bonga points and then those stupid shiny bubble dresses/skirts commonly seen in westlands every other night and gladiators shoes/sandals? For men, baggy suits? (Ramah Nyang uko wapi) It’s like you’re carrying stones in the damn pockets…. What the fuuuuuuuuck!

12. Lakini we Kenyans like asking stupid rhetorical questions; e.g You ask mathree conductors, ‘ iko kiti????!…’the guy retorts ‘Weeeeee umetoka mungetho gani?. Hujui siku hizi matatu zote zime jengwa na kiti!(sic).. Or you another smart ass answer like ‘Hakuna kiti, lakini iko stool na unaweza shuka nayo‘

Or what about people peeping out of buses at accident scenes, then some idiot asks ‘haiya ni accident? Hee imegongwa eh? …Hapana ni picnic???Duh!

13. Some Kenyan hot hot hot mamas really love feeding lunch in the shadiest of places…( e.g Kwam Kisii! On Dennis Prit opp St George’s primary where all of Citizen/Royal Media crew feed, if you want to grind royal media to a halt??..There you have it..( only SK and his Wife will survive!)..All those posers in their cheap news reading and news reporting suits eat at kwa Kimsii’s Ki banda( who knew!). They totally rarua chapos and maharagwe for 30 bob??? Michael Njenga kwanza vile ye mshamba ?..yeye ni veteran wa hio dish!

14. Kenyan and job tags ?….especially you bankers???nkt!…it seems even those Kenyan vagabonds who chill outside Hilton, ‘wakicheki’ situazhen have job tags nowadays.

15. …And why do Kenyans (especially kiuks) sing church songs when they’re completely drunk. Okay So ’Mugithi’ is about a train to heaven.!! And then there is this idiots screeching at the top of their voices ‘We muoyo Jeso! We muoyo!! Jeso! And the guys singing are walevi wakupindukia! They can barely walk! WTF!

Ed note/Warning:

Polypropylene is liable to chain degradation from exposure to heat and UV radiation such as that present in sunlight. Dear Kenyan ladies. Soma label ya hio suit ya exhibition.!una weza die! hivyo tu!. And then what do we say at your funeral. ‘Alichomwa na nguo???
August 01, 2011
6:45
Hatchet job!
» ‎ Media Madness

I know I won’t have friends after today. But sometimes, it helps to be different. NO? Let’s start by talking about Alfred Mutua, the government official ass kisser (For 485k a month, I’ll even kiss the government stomach walls; yes I’m a cheap bitch).

Mutua is not one of my favorite characters, every time he speaks, I wonder who the fuck gave him a PhD, I die a little when I remember he was a professor in the land down under, I pull out my pubes when I see ‘the work of his hands’ he has a book out on ‘How to be rich’ the book should have been named ‘How to NOT pay debts’ ‘cause that ninja rarely pays for services.

Alfred is known for sticking his ass in his mouth (he swallowed his foot kitambo) he’s notorious for making up shit and then gets embarrassed by his employer. It’s no secret that Alfred plays on the PNU side of the government.

So on Thursday, when he called a press conference and allegedly said ‘NO Kenyan had died from Hunger’ I simply rolled my eyes and went back to cramming my ‘Organizational Behaviour’ handouts.

On Friday, our Twitter lesbian sent me a rather long email (You need to stop doing that btw) telling me how Mutua was misquoted.

It’s called a ‘Hatchet Job’ editing someone’s statement so that it ends up hurting their image. I looked at what Mutua had said on Youtube and I feel for the brother. Folks have thrown him under the bus. Mutua said officially, the government hadn’t recorded any deaths DIRECTLY linked to famine. He said it would be sad if this was happening without officials knowing.

HE DID not say ‘No Kenyan has died’ his statement was edited to make him look like a douchebag. Hatchet jobs are common around the world, here in Kenya, it’s kawaida like beans in githeri. Esther Murugi suffered the most, when her statements were edited to make her look like a woman with her head in her ass.

Question is, what’s to gain from it? From my understanding, Capital were the first to butcher Mutua’s statement and the rest followed. Sad stuff, yes, the man might be a prick … but don’t set him up like that folks! The .Ke media shocked me on this one, only Oliver Mathenge (From the Daily Nation) was trying to TELL folks what Mutua actually said, but no one could hear him since the lynch mob was soo fucking loud.

Word on the streets is that Alfred wants to sue Ciku (Classic 105 DJ, my BFF) Mutua, please … sue her; I’d love this to go to court! I need a case study mara that that.
July 29, 2011
7:35
Feeding North Eastern
» ‎ Media Madness

Today, I might bore you senseless; some of you will vow to NEVER come back to this site. You’ll still come back. This week, has been the toughest in my young life, but that’s not to be discussed here.

By now, you’ve seen the various initiatives to feed the Kenyans in Northern Kenya who are starving. I won’t go into details about the initiatives; there has been enough info about them I believe. Even before these initiatives came up, a girl in my office was already collecting dry foodstuff. It’s commendable that we’re helping; it’s amazing that even companies are putting together their differences to help.

I acknowledge the fact that they’re people that won’t die ‘cause of hunger because of the donations, but are we REALLY looking at long term strategies? The communities in NE are not farmers, you might say, they can’t farm ‘cause the land is bare. But look at Israel, let me not even look at Israel, on Wednesday, I sat with a group of MM – folks and we watched maaany videos of people in NE who are actually getting food from the land. They’ve been empowered by several institutions and they have massive farms up in the North. Beautiful farms, I was in awe! Is this in the same place people starve to death? Yes, but instead of just getting handouts, they got more. Boreholes were sunk; they were introduced to irrigation and Greenhouses as a farming method.

Abbas from Red Cross said, the communities up there have only ONE source of income, their livestock. If we really want to help the people up in the North, we’ll have to sit them down and make them understand, being a pastoralist JUST won’t cut it. Use part of the money being raised to empower the whole areas, within a year, these folks will be able to sustain themselves. Since the 90’s, the situation has been the same year in year out.

Check out this article [Link here] written by Sunny Bindra 7 years ago, it’s the same story today.

On the government, I really don’t know what to say.
July 28, 2011
6:52
Brown envelopes everywhere!
» ‎ Media Madness

*Vomits* some things just make me sad. How low can some journos in Kenya go? Kenyan courts must be the busiest in the region! Everyone is suing everyone.

A little birdie tells us that court reporters are now being paid to hush on stories. What makes this a weird story is ‘cause a court reporter must have the safest job EVER! No one will ever SUE you for reporting the FACTS of an on-going case, all they have to avoid is offer an opinion in a case, that would be contempt of court.

But journos covering the courts are being sought like hot cakes by Nairobi big shots. They’re being handed brown envelopes and some are given dicks so that they don’t talk about the cases the HIGH and mighty are fighting on the corridors of justice. Currently, a former minister is in the docks for fraud, his assistants have been busy packaging 3k and 5k for the journos. They COVER the proceddings, but the story will never ever make it to the papers or TV!

How fucking disgusting *vomits* we’re screwed! I swear, when I go on leave in August, I’ll make Kenyalawreport.org my homepage. If I see an interesting case involving a mkubwa, I’ll go to the courts and COVER it for y’all.

Yaani they’re taking money from lawyers *sigh*

When I called our in-house lawyer to ask her about this case, she wasn’t shocked. She said that’s the reason we only get to read the ‘weird’ stories. Like a guy sending raunchy texts, a guy stealing kukus and such like stories. They’re some serious cases of national importance going on … but we won’t see them. She even joked, that the reason Mungatana was ‘Mulikwad’ was ‘cause maybe he issued one of the court reporters with a cheque that then bounced.
July 27, 2011
8:46
Open post
» ‎ Media Madness

Today … I’m drawing blanks … too exhausted, jana’s ngonya served by Karucy and Company is still sitting in my tummy like Ugali Wimbi.

Jana, kuna watu (Kama Galis) who almost fell into the fire, cause they kept vutaing their stools as Karucy added more kuni!

Weirdly (Allow me to be cliché) Karucy threw Danny into the fire and in the afternoon, his warrant was issued. Karucy, ‘crearay’ you have your ear on the ground when it comes to gava matters.

Have a good day people
8:43
Ad Review
» ‎ Media Madness

Now for some ADS!!

The first one is PK’s new Ad. Get Closer is what they’re telling us. PK gives you Fresh breath (I wouldn’t know, I don’t chew gum) and thus gives you the confidence to get closer to that hot babe or hot guy you’ve been eyeing *Cue aaaawwws*

The Ad was done by Express DBB, I must say the concept is super amazing for a product that retails for 5 shillings. I like the bougie appeal the ad has! Well in Express DBB, you’ve made a cheap product super sexxay *Makofi*

The ad was shot and produced by Mojo! Mojo is currently churning out some sweet ads! Their production is on point! *Makofi*

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqodpYgph74

Let’s move on to YU’s new campaign, fine … YU is not making a shit load of money (Infact, word on the chochoro is that they’ve never made a profit, since they launched). In the past they’ve churned some baaaad ads, remember the ‘Mutilated thumb’? I’m not sure what has changed, either the marketing team at YU has removed the stick outta their ass or YU changed agencies.

I LOVE the radio ads, ‘Omari and Odhis’ is what they’re called (Trying to get the ads btw) I love the one Odhisi says ‘Kutoka kuku amushe wewe, mpaka jioni unapo mkula kwa sababu ali amsha wewe’ #SUPERWIN

Ads via The Adroom on Facebook
July 26, 2011
7:32
Weak …
» ‎ Media Madness

Just like an old man’s urine stream, Citizen TV’s weekly feature ‘Who owns Kenya’ is weak, very weak.

This past week, they featured William Ruto. A man who is in his early 40’s, his net worth according to Julie Gichuru is a whooping 300 Million shillings! For a guy who started as a politician (he doesn’t come from a rich family) this is quite an achievement.

The reason I call the show weak, is because just like diarrhea, it’s loose on facts. She and her crew are soo fucking lazy, they can’t go out and be journalists and TRY and find out how these people got their wealth. Worse, 80% of those folks they profile have been involved in multi-million scandals, but Julie just smiles and moves on, she won’t mention that. Julie is a nice woman, she believes she’s a journalist, she wants to change Kenya, she wants GOOD leaders, and then she forgets she has the most powerful platform in Kenya. She won’t put these people up for ‘Trial’ she won’t push further. If she wants good leaders, she can start SERIOUSLY profiling the current lot we have.

I find it weird that no one in the media ever wants to question how the ‘Big fish’ got their wealth. Look at Cyrus Jirongo, he is suing Caroline Mutoko (Paka Mweupe, please put down the banner, I saw it and I’m still procuring a bigger sufuria to kanga the post) cause she said he printed money in the 90’s. He wrote this piece for Capital and my eyes almost popped out, I wasn’t the best in math, but his hesabu is all fucked up!!!! But NO ONE put him to task, they just allowed him to LIE LIE LIE

Journos in this country need to put down, the ‘Tea’ and actually work ‘to inform’ they can’t keep crying in editorials about corrupt leaders without naming and shaming the fools.

In SA right now, City Press is in the news for exposing Julius Malema’s ill gotten wealth. The guy tried to gag the paper and failed. Now SA is looking at him with a side eye. Guys always knew he was corrupt, but now that they can actually see the numbers, the tide is turning. FYI, Malema is not exactly a businessman, he is just a young man with friends in a powerful political party.

Ed Note I can’t find the article from the Capital website, it seems it was taken down .. can’t find it … damn!
6:48
Before you hit send …
» ‎ Media Madness

I’m sure most of you get forwards … it used to be on email, but now it’s common on text. Kwanza on public holidays, you get a million of those. Personally, I don’t get forwards because of my often rude replies like ‘Dude, I saw that last month, get with it’ ‘Utaacha ujinga’. Recently a friend showed me a ‘funny’ text he’d received. The one about a woman asking a guy ‘Kwani umekuja kusuka’

Now that text, if you’re familiar with it is kinda sexual. If you forward it to a bitch with no sense of humour, you’re going to find yourself ukichora saba for a guy at Inda.

A guy was in court jana ‘cause he sent the following text to a certain Lucy Wanjiru

Ndizi alimuuliza chungwa kwa nini ukiliwa lazima unyonywe? Mwenzio nisiponyonywa sisikii raha kabisa, na wewe je?

Ndizi akasema, mie nisipovuliwa nguo sipati raha.Passion naye akadakia mwenzenu mie nisipotiwa kidole alafu kizungushwe kwa ndani sipati utamu kabisa, wewe je dada?

Check out the video below. Although, I kinda have a feeling the mama didn’t quite ‘Get’ the text.

httpv://www.youtube.com/user/kenyacitizentv#p/c/9E48408AE9145817/5/1FEm5MXh8AM

Pwahahaha that was actually funny, such a cute way of ombaing …. The guy was released on a cash bail and his case will be heard in September.

One rule, my father makes us live by is … if you’re angry … don’t ‘Write it’ … ‘Say it’
July 25, 2011
6:46
[Guest Post] LETTER TO SMITTA –ski
» ‎ Media Madness

SMITTA SMITTEN! Smite me O mighty smiter! (a la ‘Bruce Almighty’).

My writing to you is inspired by the ping pong of insults between yourself and some of your readers like KARUCY, BLACKBEAUTY et al. these readers, while maybe not going about it in good fashion, are giving you feedback. I felt it was time for intervention.

When you started, you were a breath of fresh air; your articles were clever, different from the normal stuff by the likes of Kwendo Opanga and Philip Ochieng or Betty Caplan (a personal favorite). You were, to use your words, a literary gangster.

However, on your way to Damascus, you got blind. Over the years, you lost your mojo. Your stories of your differences with ‘face control’ (to mean bouncers; how is that even clever?) and your shenanigans with Sharapova have become stale. You, sir, have become blasé, nonchalant. I don’t know if your editor has become so much of your friend that whatever you give him, he okays for print without a second look? Or is it that he is too much in awe of you that he, like in the story, is afraid to tell the ‘king’ that the ‘king’ is naked?

While your writing has deteriorated, your audience has become more demanding, more bourgeois. In Swahili they say; “Mpanda ngazi na mshuka ngazi hawashikani mikono”.

In Biko’s introspective masterpiece ‘The Bar’ he delves into how his readership has grown. General Zod read with relish and was awed by his mastery of lingua. I then went on to read his readers’ comments and was struck by one KIDIKIBUDI who describes Biko thus; “…He’s torn between meeting the challenges of his artistic impulses and satisfying the demands of his ardent fans. The pull of his artistic métier retains a strangle-hold on him even as he longs to embrace both the challenges of his occupation and a commitment to faith in those who adulate his work….” Going on to say “Nancy Drew has never grown nor have the Hardy Boys, but adults do grow” (sigh)

In ‘De Profundis’, Oscar Wilde reflects on his life: “The gods had given me almost everything. But I let myself be lured into long spells of senseless and sensual ease… I surrounded myself with the smaller natures and the meaner minds. I became the spendthrift of my own genius, and to waste an eternal youth gave me a curious joy. Tired of being on the heights, I deliberately went to the depths in the search for new sensation. What the paradox was to me in the sphere of thought, perversity became to me in the sphere of passion. Desire, at the end, was a malady, or a madness, or both… I forgot that every little action of the common day makes or unmakes character…I was no longer the captain of my soul, and did not know it. I allowed pleasure to dominate me. I ended in horrible disgrace.”

Put your legal training to use and give us a ‘meaty’ read next Friday. If you imbibe as much as you write about it, reduce it.

I am a great fan.

The words on this post were commanded to come together by General ZOD
6:43
Rogue Promoters!
» ‎ Media Madness

Remember between 2002 and 2004 how Kenya was blazing some hot concerts??? Sean Paul was the one I remember quite well, achana na Wayne Wonder. Sean Paul came here at his peak! Well, we stole his phone, but those were the days. When a concert in Nairobi was A CONCERT! With world class stars in attendance.

Over the last few years, guys with cousins abroad or friends who they met in transit have branded themselves as music promoters. These guys DON’T even have the money to bring B2K here, but you’ll hear them shout at the top of their lungs how they’ll bring akina Beyonce to Africa.

We can’t even ship a Ndombolo guy here and keep him happy, last week Fally Ipupa was forced to type out a 140 character statement in English (why do that to a guy) and posted it on Twitter saying sorry he couldn’t perform ’cause the two ninjas who had brought him here were about to kill each other in front of him because of gate collections.

In August, we were supposed to have a kick ass concert in Nairobi. Usher and Keri Hilson, although the date has been moved to September. Word on the chochoro is that the promoters (Homoboyz entertainment) sold a NDOO of absoulte lies and they almost fucked up the whole thing!

Mike Rabar is a hustler, gotta give that to him, but bro … you’re now dealing with corporates, njaro za Nairobi West utaacha.
6:34
TAS episode 5
» ‎ Media Madness

Yesterday was DUET night on Tusker All Stars. I must say I was happy to see Eve on stage as opposed to being in the bar asking amazingly light questions.

First performance was by Alpha and Davis, they sang a reggae track and after the song, a bucket of lies was poured on the stage. Davis and Alpha were called hot *gags* their performance was called sizzling *cringe* Davis is a brilliant performer, he has brilliant vocal skills, but Alpha shouts too much and you get to see this when he sings a reggae track, that’s when the real, raw Apha comes up. This brotha needs a refresher course from Tim Rimbui.

Caroline was on stage and she did NOT disappoint. I refuse to EVEN mention who she was on stage with. Let’s just say, if Aliens landed and they saw him, they’d have a reason to blow up the earth off its axis.

I missed Ameelena and Patricia’s duet by my other half tells me they SANG and SANG well! Another brilliant performance was by Patricia and Davis, although I’m kinda tired of hearing the track, I was happy to see Patricia get into a small ‘skit’ with Davis. That was sweet *cue awwwwws*

Msechu and Nganga were fun to watch on stage, but baba … kiingereeza sio mchezo.

*Turns off the raits*
July 22, 2011
10:24
A letter to Ghetto Radio
» ‎ Media Madness

So Ghetto radio thought they’d walk away after walking all over good manners on radio. One of their listeners wrote them the letter below. Check Ghetto radio’s response below. I think it’s time we start mulakaing the quacks of the industry.

I am an avid listener of the station especially in the morning and evening while going to and from work.

I would like to express my displeasure with three of your presenters namely Koko d’rasta, cafu and Lydia who host the fika mtaani show every weekday from 4 to 7pm. My complaint in particular is on the conduct of the said presenters during their show on Tuesday 19th July 2011 between 4 and 7 pm.

The three presenters were having a discussion on Air about an assistant chief who had impregnated a mentally unstable woman. They moderated the discussions in a manner aimed at disparaging people with mental health problems and their families. One of the presenters kept on implying that the chief made love to the woman whereas its not logical how a mentally handicapped person my have consented to love making. Of particular concern were the disturbing snide and derogatory comments they were making about the lady while laughing maliciously. As if that was not enough one of the
presenters went ahead and mimicked the kind of sounds the lady might have made while the chief was having illicit sexual intercourse with the lady. I found this to be silly, juvenile and absurd especially being on a radio station whose target audience is the youth especially at a time when the country is grappling with issues of inclusion for persons with disability and alleviating all forms of stigma and discrimination. It was sad listening to them as they encouraged listeners to send text messages and post on Facebook but instead of choosing the sensible straight comments they chose to read the most humiliating ones from their Facebook page.

Mentally handicapped persons have to be respected despite their diversity and difference. Ghetto radio has a responsibility just like any other radio station to educate and demystify its listeners especially on sensitive matters like this. It’s also sad that they kept on playing advert clips of some products from well distinguished companies who have in one way or another played a responsible corporate role of advocating for the concern and wellbeing, interest, treatment, education and advancement of mentally handicapped persons and their organizations.

I hope you will find this mail in order to moderate and regulate your presenters especially these three because its not the first time they are airing content that is not appropriate for radio.

Ghetto radio’s reply

We thank you for being a keen regular listener of Ghetto Radio. As a station, we welcome criticism from our listeners and all stakeholders on how we can improve on our service delivery to make the station appealing and create a positive impact to all.

The issues you have raised have been well noted and corrective measures are being implemented. An on air clarification on the issue and topic has been made

The comments made on the show on that day were not meant to portray the disabled or mentally handicapped in a negative way and we sincerely apologize to you and to everybody else who may have misinterpreted it to mean as such.

Our doors are wide open and we welcome you to visit our station or drop your comments through our various channels of communication.
6:29
CHANGIA HIYO!
» ‎ Media Madness

We have been wondering what’s exactly causing the train smash at the Standard Group and so it dawned on us, everything is thought of, done and executed by one chap even though he often asks his team under the ‘spirit of democracy’ to ‘changia hiyo!’. Every Wednesday at the Standard Group Offices, the top managers meet the whole day for their ‘Strategy Session’. A few Wednesdays ago, we got to be a fly on the wall, thanks to a ‘Mandasi’ delivered by NAS who do full catering for the session.

Here are some excerpts;

Baul: Everybody here? Lets start. First tings fast, I Bropose we give the beeple a 1000kshs raise this July. Mr. Chana you’re the money man! Changia Hiyo! Broposal…

Chana: My Chairman, that is a brilliant idea … I love it. Even 500shs would have been perfect.

Baul: Sokay! I approve 1000shs! price of Unga is up, watalia sana! Infact how much did we give last year?

Chana: My Chairman, 1500shs.

Baul: *thinking*..Mmmm..Ok then 500shs is too little. ok 1000shs.

————————————————————————————————————————————

Baul: Next achenda. Hmmmm This Oga movies, I love them. They will be a big hit on KTN. Naona tulete mingi sana. Ndetei! Changia hiyo!

Ndetei: Bwana Chairman [Beaming] this is the way to go! They will be an instant HIT! Brilliant, consider it DONE!

Baul: [Laughs] I candwait! eggscellent!

Baul: Now, we should stop alienating aliens. So that we dont alienate our Indian brothers and sisters? I brobose a full round of Indian soap dishes eeer what are they called? … yes, those ones! Changia Hiyo!

Ndetei: Bwana Chairman [Beaming] Brilliant, consider it DONE again.

————————————————————————————————————————————

Baul: Ok, When did we change the back page from upside down. Anyway, I brobose we refresh! we turn it upside town again kwa sports section. We keep surprising people. Haya, what do you guys tink? Changia!Changia hiyo!

Bundo: Mr Chairman that is the best idea ever! You’re a genius [Laughs]

[Laughs]

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Baul: Now *smacks table* I have been thinking of this brilliant idea in readiness for twenditwelof! A Weekly ‘Coundy’ newspaper! All the of them ‘Coundies’ covered, in one newspaper every week, naona hii kaseti ya Weekly Citizen inausa sana, but we make ours look as if but not quite! Haya! James, hiyo ni tepardment yako,Changia hiyo!

James: Excellent mr Chairman!… ata hakuna kuongezea hapo, umesema yote Mr. Chairman. We will move with Godspeed.

Baul: Haya! Good session eh! lets take a dee preak! * Reaches for a pancake and a mandazi*

————————————————————————————————————————————

Baul: Madam Legal..eeeh Combany Secretary, Explain again why we are paying Uhuru 7million? si hii Willy ni wa kwenyu?

Madam Legal: I will call him immediately and see how he can help us Sir.

————————————————————————————————————————————

Baul: Nzile, hii kichana Eric Latiff, when he looks at me as he reads the news, he convinces me, I mean he confuses me. Macho yake yote inakuja pamocha katikati

Nzile: I will talk to him about it sir.

Baul: Kizito I mean …eh Nzilei, I want another bresender show. This time, I will be the church, Karani will not win, Changia hiyo!

*In a chorus* ‘Yes! Mr Chairman!’

Baul: Na ambieni hii Peetrice Marshall … aanze kula ugali and such like carbohydrates ya kuchenga mwili!

———————————————————————————————————————————–

Baul: Commercal director, why not give advertising on Radio Maisha free of church for those with giving us good budgets on KTN na Standard? Changia hiyo!

Lawrence: Yes Bwana Chairman. No prollem. I will instruct sales to enact immediately.
July 21, 2011
9:53
Boni Odinga ships out!!
» ‎ Media Madness

So it seems Boni Odinga (Who is not exactly bony) ran out of chairs to throw at his seniors. He quit KTN yesterday, he’s been at the media house for several years and he OWNED the ‘weird stories’ on TV. Dude did everything to get a weird angle, even reporting in the middle of a police battle with hawkers. Dude showed us he’d risk a jiwe to the ritho for fame.

He won a CNN award for his ‘bravery’ lol and afterwards he went to the UK and came back to find his peers had moved on to bigger things and KTN was not ready to hand him a big post just ‘cause he was in the UK.

We wish him well, and we hope whoever is going to hire him next has invested in light seats.

Btw this is most likely to be an open post ‘cause I just woke up! Have a nica day Ninjas or as the media calls you know ‘Monsters’ no relation to the Lady Gaga madness.
July 20, 2011
7:46
OMI AK KASS TV!
» ‎ Media Madness

Matowe wi, ki weksei nguni - (Don’t go anywhere, we’ll be right back!)

Yokten sms en 4994 – (Send an SMS to 4994)

Omi ak Kass TV en Nairobi , Eldoret , Kericho- You are with Kass TV in Nairobi…..

Yay! Kass FM is going into the TV business transmitting in Nairobi and ‘Rifty Valley’

It’s a first here but ethnic language TV stations are not a new thing in Africa (Uganda, Nigeria etc are already there big time)

Whereas K24 is ‘All Kenyan, All the Time’…Kass TV will be ‘All Kalenjin, All The Dime’.

Kass is quite a serious outfit besides Kass FM they also own Kass Magazine, which is a full glossy affair that has better content, is better edited and printed than the likes of Passion. It’s printed out of ‘Dubs’ and its content is in Kalenjin and English (Nyinyi mulichuwa hii maneno? Sio mcheso! eh?) They also own a fully equipped roadshow rig that runs the increasingly influential Kass International Marathon that’s now an annual event in ‘Elturet’.

Kass is owned by the folks who run JTL (Jamii Telecom) the firm that was in charge of laying the fiber optic cable on Mombasa road! They are in this communication game big time eh! Sio mcheso! inifact… ‘peleka mcheso mbali!” because we are informed Kass FM even has a broadcast studio in ‘Washingitoni T.C! …’tondi choke pwana’!

Well since Arap Sang is the biggest ‘celep’ associated with Kass, an idea has been mooted that he reads the news bulletins while seated on top of the desk (or is it table) with his feet dangling … cute huh? That’s way better than the current plan of making him stand on a stool.

This station might just work because they’re very targeted in terms of whom they’re talking to. There will be a lot of goodwill, ‘sense of belonging’ and pride amongst Kales who will be tuning in big time. I am waiting for that awkward moment when Kass -A Kalenjin Language TV Station, starts doing better than the Kalenjin Owned National TV station-KTN.

PART TWO:

KTN, KISS, K24: THE LIMPING TV STATIONS.

Kiss TV is on a 2 bob budget and still want to conquer the world! Most of their shows are like 3 years old. Their cartoons look like a project their producer did as he was taking a dump! They seem to have misunderstood that on Kenyan TV 98% of revenue is made between 7 and 9.30 pm, Prime time. When you miss hitting the right numbers in the ‘entertainment corridor’ and news?.. ‘Priss’ funga stesheni anza biashara ingine kama ya kuuza mitumba au weaves.

TV watching is a ‘family affair’ in most homes between 7 to 10pm. CHEATERS at 8pm ni ujinga!…. Rug munchers punching each other kwa nyondo! Never ever!

Yes! Many single cougars could be interested in that ‘busted’ kind of drama but they’re huko watching 100 bob DVD’s of ‘serieses’ of sijui Gossip Girl, Good Wife, Brothers & Sisters, Glee na upuzi kama hio. That shit bores them after a while. Kwanza guys who are married can never watch that shit! Your wife will be side eyeing you all the while. For single dudes Cheaters is like watching a recording of yourself in a road accident repeatedly every day. Worse … NOT even one advertiser wants to associate with the show.

Their news ni ya mchezo? The Green screen still looks like work in progress. Ramah always looks like ni kama amekalia ndoo!

Kiss TV can up the game if they brought more eye candy to read the news. Ramah is not easy on the eyes. We all now know ‘News’ is about looks: Julie ”MILF” Gichuru, Lilian ‘Slimpossible’ Muli, Ann Kiguta (but from the waist up ‘cause LAWD!! Her legs look like the work of a fella who can only draw stick figures). Or better still they can make theirs different & interesting and very different e.g By throwing in Kalekye to soma the news. Maaad sponsorship chumes e.g Samsung LCD 55’inch (Why you need a wider TV) Kenya Tents LTD, Diet Coke, Healthy Yu Or even Fitness Spas etc

Seriously though, to survive Kiss TV needs to take their Prime-time seriously and do the right things that will generate revenue.

On to the other limping station. K24 aka Capital Talk TV has Jeff Koinange taking the inspirational theme, On Monday he had Rose Nasimiyu on the bench, A 9 year old kicking Cancers ass! The girl speaks better than many 20 something’s I know. I must say, this is prolly the best and most meaningful interview Jeff has ever done. He was calm, engaging, he listened, he didn’t try and push her eyes to the back of her skull with his fat digits. He was a decent interviewer, and the bench looked BIGGER!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJBic-Rp9qk

ION, either my TV is wonky but Jeff always seems to speak like he’s in a Chinese movie. His lips move and several seconds later is when you hear the words.

Jeff? If you keep this thing of ‘mulikaing’ beautiful stories from ordinary inspiring Kenyans you might just have handed K24 some crutches to help them along. Jeff Apewe medali ama? Eeer ..Apewe voucher ya Miadi!

KTN? tuta changia hio kesho…This already a very long post na lesbian wetu wa Twitter yuko na birthday party..naenda kuwaka ‘Richot’.
July 19, 2011
7:18
NOTW
» ‎ Media Madness
Unless you live in Mlolongo, you by now know that a British Tabloid ‘News of the world’ shut down after it became veeery toxic to News Corp. NOTW is currently in the middle of a very messy phone tapping investigation.

People have resigned, the police are going all out to get to the bottom on the scandal and the politicians who were once licking Rupert’s wrinkly ass are now on his ass, but with whips (and it’s not an S&M thing, Galis sit down)

Now, last week I had written a long piece about NOTW and why the Kenyan media needs to come ‘Srowry’ when I sent it off to be cleared by a lawyer friend, I was told to just forget it because of the following reasons.
- Politicians are in bed with the media
- The media is in bed with the politicians
- The politicians run our courts
- Lawyers pay to run our courts
- No matter the rivalry, Kenyan media houses cover each other’s asses especially when one of them fucks up really bad.
Remember a few years ago when Nation was hit by a blog that detailed how folks go promotions? Well the Standard was about to run the story but the folks at Nation heard what was being planned and they told them ‘Mujaribu’ mtaona! At the NOTW there were stories that were called ‘Levers’ these stories were always brought up when you wanted something to fuck off or you wanted them to do anything you want. These stories would be traded in for favours with politicians and business men.

Levers exist in the Kenyan media and the folks here use them to arm twist each other. Sad isn’t it? But then again, in comes Media Madness. At this point I’d like the little fucker who tried to stir shit in the comments to sit up and listen. MM, will report when media houses fuck up, we’re all virgins on MM, we fear being fucked and we’re told a lot of fucking happens in beds. So we’re not going to bed with anyone any time soon.
7:01
Dancing in the freaking RED!
» ‎ Media Madness

Word on the chochoro is that KTN is dancing in the red … yep! The one time power brand is back in the red. They’re bleeding money like it’s going out of fashion. Those who are familiar with Kenyan media history will remember how ‘The Standard’ came to the rescue in the 90’s when KTN owned by the Baraza group (still is somehow) found itself with no working Capital.

Over the years, KTN was the NUMBER one TV station, but the folks who make decisions at KTN obviously never went to school and if they did, they spent time ogling at thayos za Kenchic. The station has a HUUGE wage bill, but those employees are bringing very little to the table. If you walk across the newsroom, it’s hard to find see people who are ‘having fun’ sources say morale at the station is at an all time low! Folks just work; they’re no longer passionate about the job.

How did KTN get here? Simple, Monkey SEE, Monkey DO!! Within a year, KTN has managed to turn into a boring mess with their ‘Me too’ strategy. They see something on NTV or Citizen; they drop everything and try to create a similar station. Yes, KTN is free to air, but it had a polished urban appeal to it. Their news department was the best in the region, but ever since they bought a brand new oven to bake propaganda, the station’s news quality is doing downhill faster than kids ‘drag’ racing down a muddy hill in shags.

Last week, the station lost over 7 Million shillings after a corporate pulled out all its advertising after KTN ran several facts less stories about that brand. See, they’re ‘too aggressive’ for nothing. I‘m not suggesting they kiss ass, but selling facts would be a good place to start if they still want to make money.

We’ve written letters even to the ‘owners’ of the company. In Feb I wrote this letter to Gideon Moi [www.frankierants.com] 5 months later, everything I said on that letter is now reality. Yenyewe ujinga ingine ata huwezi uzia Naivas.
July 18, 2011
6:48
TAS – Episode 4
» ‎ Media Madness

Msechu kicked off the show with Amr Diab’s Habibi. Just when you thought his dressing can’t be worse than his singing, it went down as the worst performance on Tusker All Stars so far. His voice was already hoarse after about a minute and he seemed to concentrate more on inviting chicks on stage than actually performing. He was followed by fat-face Ng’ang’a looking like it was dress-down Friday at a bank. I know Kenyans are allergic to clothes their size but there’s nothing that looks worse than a short sleeved shirt that’s too big. Ng’ang’a took the Dwight Schrute look too far when he added a tie to the whole mess. You can take the man out of the village and fatten him up but you can’t take the bad taste out of the man. His rendition of Wyre’s Chuki, forgettable.
Next was Alpha, who is turning out to be very overrated. I can’t understand how he’s got the most votes since the show started. He went berserk dismantled No Woman, No Cry on stage in a mature but mismatched suit combo. Nothing much to write about.

Amileena had the night’s best performance. Maybe it was because she was fairly reserved, no teeth-baring, accent-switching or dance routines to distract us. At last she got her dressing on point, and now she looks like the Amileena with promise from the last TPF. I wish she was this mellow in all her performances, I’ll actually vote for her this week.
Davis got a bad rap for his dressing and performance from almost everyone. Weirdly, I loved both. Except for that ‘mgongo-wazi’ he was wearing backwards, I liked the style. Of course the tee needed to be a bit manlier and the coat should’ve fit better and he should have never let those skinny pants sag. Then, it just looked pathetic. He went off every time he got to Bryan Adams’ Heaven chorus but I liked his performance a lot. I feel like he’s an effortless artiste.
I didn’t like Patricia’s song choice. Not that she performed badly, it’s just not the song to perform when you’re competing with others, in my opinion. But she had the look and attitude down. I’m not sure about Caroline’s performance, she always confuses me. Her performances are just safe, I guess that’s when you know someone’s a good singer. You can never pick anything wrong about all their performances.

Last and definitely least, Hemedi. I’m starting to have a problem with the All Star band. They seem to play so well, they make an artiste sound good. Ian said Hemedi’d make a good rock artiste, I disagree. Just because someone kicked a chair, threw an umbrella and shook his head doesn’t make him a rock star. Other elements made the performance look good. Like the band, the lighting and maybe even Davis humping on the mic stand, for those who noticed. Otherwise, swag-boy can’t sing.
His dressing is kinda growing on me, and it might on you too. Hey, if Prince did it, why can’t he. This time, he had on politer shades of purple. Maybe it’s the colours that we always have a problem with. Maybe if he lost the shades, glove and umbrella, he’d look less like a Congolese outside Simmers.
Kinda like Gaetano and Eve’s hosting, Eve said on Twitter that she doesn’t wear extensions. So y’all can drop that nickname ‘Weave De Souza’.

I kinda liked the interviews with the music directors. The rimbui’s are absolute talent (I hear they have a sister, I’ll try and marry her). Chris Adwar from the villagers band was also interviewed, if you haven’t heard the Villagers Band live, you need to go to one of their gigs. Amazing folks!!! Not forgetting MA3 the band *cough* that chick in the band can gerrit and KEEP IT!

Good to see Arjun Doggy Dog go and have Atemi’s (legs) in his place. I feel like she has the right chemistry with Ian. And apparently, Joey was there for those who didn’t notice.

Look out for the Fashion Review on Fashion Madness
July 15, 2011
7:32
Dear Kui …
» ‎ Media Madness

Hello Kui, how goes it? How’s Ngong Keren? Anyway, I see things are really going well for you, on top of being the noise between my rock music on Capital Fm’s ‘The Fuse’, you’re on TV *Group hug, yaaaaay* I didn’t know you were on TV, until my good friend called me to tell me that there’s a lady on TV who looked like she’d come to work straight from an overnight cocktail event. I was a bit surprised, so I quickly got up and tuned my telly to KTN.

Now babes, I understand you’re from Ngong Keren, but that should not be an excuse to mix up dresses. Babes, you had on an off shoulder evening dress *Moves closer, whispering* on mid-morning TV? I really don’t get it … who forced you to wear it? I hear this is how you dress kila siku? Ama the show is recorded in the evening??? Please, make me understand. You’re a good girl, don’t try and be a ‘sex symbol’ on TV, leave that to the pretty ones like Monita Rajpal (she’s not Raj’s pal, in case you get it twisted), you can take a few tips from her btw. She’s very stylish locally, you can check out the way Smirti Vidyarthi dresses.
7:28
Roadside executions
» ‎ Media Madness

Please allow me to place my morals and intelligence at the corner before I start this post.

I finally watched the clip of the thug from Kayole being delivered to Satan as a bloody disfigured mess. I’ve never been to Kayole, but I must ask. Where the fuck did all those stones come from???

If a guy is caught RED HANDED … and the police are not around, I believe in a little justice. I have pals who have been in carjacking incidents, a few months ago, a friend of mine, a really nice guy was in a Number 32 bus going home and some kids hijacked the bus. When they were being relieved of their ‘mali’ one of the guys punched my pal in the fucking face!!!! I was mad, why hurt someone who is already co-operating??

These guys rule using violence, why should we let him go through the terrible slow justice system and then finally find himself back on the streets cause of lack of evidence.

I’m sure our human rights groups are in the process of condemning the police as a guy was being lynched. Listen you opportunist fucks, where were you when that thug killed a young man in Rwaka???

Mob justice would only work if we started believing and seeing the justice and police system work!

This post doesn’t necessarily reflect the views (if they ever have any) of Media Madness and its community of writers.
July 14, 2011
6:39
Save the damn trees!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Enclosure: [download]

Okay, yesterday all of you went all ninja on MM, I’m still reading your comments. So I’ll lump today’s post (s) into one mess … sawa?

All tree huggers need to go and picket at The Standard group’s Head Office. These folks are wasting our forests! Hear me out; they’re introducing FIVE new pull outs to the paper, as if the paper isn’t a mess as it is. I highly suspect someone at the paper has a butchery somewhere, that’s a lot of nyama one paper can wrap when the pull outs come in.

Pull outs in this market are an utter mess; even the ones in the Nation are useless. Same recycled shit (The Saturday Nation takes the cake with recycled relationship pieces). A pull out is supposed to be COMPLETELY different from the rest of the paper, but all we have here are half baked stories largely borrowed from the internet.

The Standard also has a new weekly, the county weekly or whatever they’re calling it. I bought the first one yaani, I should have used that 40 bob to eat muturas! That paper is such a weak ass strategy. Another knee jerk reaction by the group

To the juicy stuff!!!!! On Saturday last week the standard pull out had a story about a device ladies have to pull out of themselves. THE DILDO!!! Yes, we understand the paper likes to fuck itself, but sharing their choice of tool with the rest of us???? You might argue that they were just informing, but then again, look at the target audience; can this paper ever come back and preach morals to girls ever again??? Their target audience is usually old and uptight, the kind that doesn’t even ‘weka kwa mudomo’ and they’re the ones you’re informing about dildos??? Fucking fail!

THEN!!! Caroline Mutoko defended the lady who wrote the dildo story and she brought the whole ‘I’m female and I can do me whenever I want’ okay, I clearly missed the boat, but ladies … what happened to be grace and being ‘well mannered’ what happened to be a ‘lady on the streets, a freak in the sheets?’ I mean once you announce, I used dildos, you should simply start buying cats, ‘cause utazeeka peke yako. No man wants to touch a woman who uses dildos. Those things are like 8, 9 inches and the average man has a 5 inch peanus. Plus the device is battery powered, HOW WILL YOU EVER BE STATISFIED WITH A MAN?!!! Then you complain ati no man wants you … dump the dildos gurls!!! Oh by the way, you can’t preach about morality and then pull a Galis on your audience … stick to one side of the fence, wacha ugeugeu

Onto other things, Ciku Muiruri’s busted … I laughed when I saw Karucy talk about the guys that call in like they’re real. Honey, most of the calls are FAKE! Last year, she had the FAMOUS ‘Busted’ call, the call got heavy rotation on Classic and this week she called ‘Agnes’ back.

We all know that Ciku had hired a radio consultant to sort out her very kawaida show. The consultant suggested she hires voice artists to ‘play’ busted … and yes, Agnes was a voice actor.

BTW Ciku is no Dr. Phil … asking her for relationship advice is like asking a girl from Muranga who only knows how to make Pilau Njeri how to make Braised Pork.

Ha! Bet you didn’t see that coming … did ya?
July 13, 2011
6:50
Our own little fucked up monster
» ‎ Media Madness

Look at the idiot (s) in this photo.

If you’re smart enough, you’ll see through my sentence. Now, Mike Mbuvi or as the media still calls him ‘Sonko’ has had a kawaida week. His Forester was clamped outside the Nation centre on Monday ‘cause he had double parked (I’m surprised this idiot can drive) he got his bodyguards to break the clamp while NEWS CREWS and other idlers watched. A crime was committed, no one took action. This adds to his already overflowing cup of stunts, all recorded by TV cameras.

Mike has been in the spotlight since day one for all the wrong reasons, buy the way he’s reported in the news, you’d think he’s a celebrity or something. The media gives him acres of space and his head is getting big. I’m sure if they were no cameras around him, he’d NEVER do these things. He’s a smart fuck, he’s playing the media to get mileage, and every single thing he says is aired across the media houses. Congratulations guys, you’ve created a little fame whore monster! He’s playing all of you to the top!!! He’s LOOOVING IT!

He wore fake dreadlocks and at least 6 media houses showed up to cover his latest stunt SMH. I have how NO ONE asks the tough questions to the right people. Why won’t the journalists pile pressure on the police to act? They just sit there and film a known fugitive. No one EVER goes deep into this guy’s business.

He’s not high on pot or coke … this nigga is high on fame! Which we now know is a dangerous drug my friends. Martha Karua is trying to get his ass kicked out of her party. I hope he’s kicked out and there’s a by election ’cause I’ll be on the ground educating folks about the qualities of a good leader.

If you’re from Buru … what’s this guy’s story? Where did he get all his ‘money’ from … let’s profile the idiot online … let’s create his TRUE CV.
July 12, 2011
6:50
Fan Mail!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

MM receives a shit load of emails. Yaani, sometimes it takes 3 days for the emails to be sorted. Fan Mail LOL guys telling us how awesome we are (which a lie btw, we’re not awesome, we’re just fucked up kids)

We get threats … which we promptly reply with ‘Thank you for reading, now go play with your peanus’ we also get job requests, which I find ironic ‘cause MM is not an employer, HECK … I don’t get paid for this, I don’t even get laid for being a writer here! So for those looking for jobs, go elsewhere ama kazi kwa vijana.

Then there are the crazy emails, emails that we have to sit and hold hands and ask the good Lord ‘WHY US?! Emails offering us sex, yes some folks would love to sleep with ME (or the other folks who blog under Yeye) our Less-Be-Anne on Twitter is a popular topic on emails offering sex, but the ones that really make us sad are the ones from people who assume Media Madness is a media house. Look at the email below

This mama sat down and probably said ‘Citizen wataniona’!!! She fixed her Angels Weave, vaaad her bata condom shoes and took her heavily powdered face to a cyber café and typed off this email.

Lady, I hate to break it you, but we’re NOT RMS, we have no affiliation to RMS (last time I checked), it saddens me that a Soap’s Finale has your nylon underwear in a bunch, sweety, Google La tormenta, Wikipedia is going to break down the whole season for you!

It sadder that a chick that has access to the internet has the time to sit through 30 weeks of absolute garbage in the name of a soap Opera. If you’re married, I pity your husband, if you’re single don’t expect to meet an Aljehandro … the only man you’ll see without a shirt in Nairobi is ‘Odhis’ as he takes his lunch break from the mjengo.

Oh! The subject of her email was ‘ Repeatition of Soaps’ chick can’t spell properly. I hope she’s fluent in Spanish though.
6:32
Dear Ghetto Radio
» ‎ Media Madness

Niaje wasee, poa? Gota … okay I really can’t type everything in sheng! I’m the same person that thought one Chuani was ONE 50 bob! I was almost thrown out of the jav! Dear Ghetto, radio mechanics sorta work the same, whether you’re broadcasting in sheng, maragoli, Kikuyu or English. Ghetto, you people have no fucking clue who you’re talking to. You guys sometimes sound like a jamathoga Capiro or a shao Homoboyz radio.

We’ve said this on MM before … you can search for the posts on Gherro radio and I’d like you to focus on the comments and especially the ones Gumzo made. He dinyad some serious points back then. Today, I have a question. How come y’all can’t maintain talent?!! Yaani guys ingilia the front door and tokea kwa dirisha!!! It’s fucking insane, two presenters have now left, our ‘gurl’ Wavinya and Dee are now fucking done with the station, they weren’t all that and a bag of nyanyas, but the turnover is crazy! The station is still run by Maji Maji, I still can’t wrap my head around this. What radio in Kenya needs is PEOPLE with actual brains not vichwa …. You can’t be kissing ass to get jobs and then wreck a station by frustrating people who actually know how radio stations work.

Still on Ghetto, I was on a bus from Toi and their drive had the guy from Mother In Law … the fella with a Weng from Kamindi Self Service Stores. Talk about being misplaced, his co-host is soo ghetto I could visualize him rukaing sewers to work and then you have this guy with a hedious weng that I COULD not even understand!! It amazes me that folks give this ninja jobs; I met him when he was a model scout, YES a model scout. He used to walk around with tu ‘Miss Babes’ who wanted to be ‘modos’ I can tell you one thing, those girls didn’t go far and the way they used to kiss his ass and
July 11, 2011
7:17
Na kweli wako midterm
» ‎ Media Madness

The Madness is all over Nairobi. This time, Pulse is giving Nairobi’s NUMBER ONE Fame whore a ka-platform to try and edge herself back into the spotlight … in this case, the spotlight is powered by a 60 watts phillips bulb. All so dim.

On Friday, Smitta called me MAD, and tried to snatch my wig off, that’s a fight for another day. On Friday, pulse’s ‘Extreme Ngonya’ a word I learnt during my travels said the Queen of Facebook (Laugh and then come back) was preggers and the baby daddy was a King of Facebook (Are these titles handed out outside Kencom?). Now the Queen they’re talking about was Ms. Waruinge and the King they were alluding to was Stephen Musyoka, not the VP. Syoks is a social media marketer these days. Now, truns out Syoks wants to sue the pulse for character assination, apparently the person pushing this agenda is a graphic designer who works for the Pulse! What did I say last week? They use the paper to settle scores!!

Moving on … Ms. Waruinge, now this mama has a million Facebook pages, one is about gossip or something like that. Her fans once got into a fight with the kid who runs our Facebook Page, that kid stomped all over those fans like an elephant in a maize field. Angel, is no Angel, I remember Ed telling me her Facebook page was ‘famous’ for the very ‘sexy’ (sexy used in it’s lightest form) photos! She’s an attention seeking lass and I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to hawk her baby photos, sweety … we don’t care. What exactly does she do??? She happens to be ‘Ms.Morgan’s’ baby sister.

For those who have no idea who Ms. Morgan is … she’s a lass on Tahidi High, the one who shops at Naivas for everything, her weave, her accent and her facial expressions.
7:05
TAS!!! Episode 3
» ‎ Media Madness

I sat down on Sunday evening to do my patriotic duty to watch Citizen regardless of what is on. Tusker All Stars started with a very enthusiastic Gaetano and Eve hosting. One thing to note from All Stars is the quality of the hosts, at least compared with the usual Project Fame. Eve does a fairly good job as host, unlike Sheila Mwanyigha. Gaetano in his Hulk Hogan moustache is not bad either.

The first performance was by Ng’ang’a, who looks like he’s been more busy in the kitchen than in the studio. His performance was, to say the least, forgettable.

He was followed by Hemedi with his lesbian haircut. We can all agree that Hemedi should forget about a music career. Something I don’t understand is his androgynous dressing. How he manages to look like one of the American Founding Fathers and Elton John at the same time amazes me. He looked like he had just robbed a reconnaissance Fair wardrobe. And about the umbrella: he claims it adds to his swag (?). I think it just adds to the suspicions about his orientation.

Swag is a word thrown around aimlessly these days. I think it’s just a politer word for douchebag, going by the sunglasses he wears indoors.

Next performance was Caroline’s, who looks like she just a few weeks away from being considered a MILF by law. What I mean is, she just has a mature vibe and it’s almost implausible that I see her on the same show as Hemedi (the guy who cried ‘cos there was no food). I don’t remember much about her performance, I was busy staring at her thighs outline whenever she did that half-squat thing she seems to like doing. At the beginning of her performance, Alpha was on stage (in sunglasses of course). Immediately she appeared, he disappeared backstage. I have no idea what he was doing there. Her first performance was pretty good, the second was okay. I think she was the night’s best performer.
Davis performed last; he was wearing a pretty cool jacket and a very bi-curious t-shirt. You would think the first thing Davis would’ve done with his winnings is fix his tooth.

Maybe he wants it to be his trademark, like Seal’s face. His choice to do a song like Bruno Mars’s Grenade was a bad one, it didn’t sound so bad though because the always impressive band did a really good job backing it up.

And that’s one of the things the show has right. The band is good and they actually look like they’re having fun playing instead of just looking like props. The stage is also very funky. I think the fans, though we never get to see them much, seem very energetic.

The thing I don’t like about the show is the mechanics. Seeing performances every week without evictions and picking the top three at the end of it all seems like a very lazily thought out plan. Having Arjun and Joey on the show is still pointless.

Citizen has always dominated Sunday evenings, this seems like the right time for the other networks to put on something watchable and wean people off the station. I’m sure the only reason people watch Tusker All Stars is because there’s really nothing better to watch.
July 08, 2011
7:46
Dear Diary
» ‎ Media Madness

Dear Diary,

Today have been a very productive day, it seems the young ones in the office are taking my memo seriously! They’re dressing properly, who wants to see cellulite free skin?!? Disgusting!

I’m soooo full!!!! Just finished reading Susan Kamau’s Tupike magazine.

Laters! Beatrice
7:45
Dear Diary
» ‎ Media Madness

SuuueDARN is amazing!!! I swear I add colour to this place. I talked to a purple woman yesterday and by the time I was done with her, she was point FAE!!! No jokes, one cameraman man says I SHOUTED her blackness outta her, but he’s just jealousy me *finger snap* *Booty clap* I’m aweSAM!

I’ll stop hanging around akina Rosey na kina Mary. Before I left for South Sudan she told me ‘Hiyo top yako iko toppest’ and ended up using the word ‘Toppest’ on LIVE TV!!! Fuck! How can I be soo gherro fab on TV!!!

I’m getting jaw lock these days. I blame it on the big words I have to use every day, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

BTW, I’m sooo tired of folks saying I wear Mushaina Shaino blouses. Yaani these jingas can’t see I’ve stolen the spotlight from Lilian and I’m hiding it in my BRA??? Eeeeish people are slow sometimes.

B. Obura
July 07, 2011
8:25
All about SK!
» ‎ Media Madness

In a few months, you’ll have the chance to sink your nose into SK’s bizness! That’s because a lady called Wanjiru Waithaka is putting together the final chapters of SK Macharia’a biography. SK has approved the book and so I assume it will have some juicy juicy details. Wanjiru Waithaka used to work for the Business Daily and she quit early this year to do freelance work.

We’d emailed her asking for a chance to serialize the book. Wanjiru, I’ve kazad my tanye for this one. Please come through for us. Thanks

For those who are in the woods or behind a fat woman, SK Macharia owns RMS, East Africa’s fastest growing media unit. The group started making good money in late 2006 after he hired Wachira Waruru, who brought every Chipo and top anchors to the station that was often laughed at for being low budget.

I expect to see him talk about how he acquired his wealth, which is kinda shrouded in misery. SK in the 90’s fought some epic battles in court and lost. He still owes KBC and Telkom over a billion shillings in unpaid license fees and fees for using their equipment. If I owed KBC 50 bob, right now, I’d be in tattered ‘Rohjoray’ waiting for Omosh to come and fuck me. Yes, I’d be someone’s slut in Kamiti, but not SK.

SK got into bizness with Moi and his pals in the 90’s … remember the Diner’s Club? Almost every uni grad back in the day worked for the company. They used to drive around in those Daihatsu’s like there was no tomorrow. When Achieng Abura sang, things fell apart! He was involved in a bitter court battle which he eventually lost. When he decided to go into broadcast, Moi would not let him. He was once dragged out of his house in pajamas and his wife Purity was behind him screaming her lungs out ‘Musi vuje, wuuui, msi vuje mari ya muzee’

CKK made it a kawaida thing to raid his then anniversary house office and wreck his equipment. But now, he can rest easy. His friends at PNU would never let that happen, he can get a frequency by just one ‘Phone koo’

The book has no working title but, I’d like to give myself ‘Ki-infron, infront’ and suggest a title.

‘How I hit NMG, SG, RA in the ritho’
July 06, 2011
8:47
Open Post
» ‎ Media Madness

Yep, your chance to take over discussion depending on how interesting you frame your ‘topic’. You get to be me or try to be me. Most of you try and snatch my weave off on a daily basis but at the end of the day I usually win HAHA.

From kesho, the other guys take over as I go back to roaming my shags.

Have fun … msichapane! lol
July 05, 2011
7:30
Ujinga by the KILO!
» ‎ Media Madness

*Hands pulse an occidental insurance calendar* it’s 2011. Ujinga muache kwa gate!

Pulse need to nunua a jiko for their gossip, mambo ya stove waache! Their stories always stink. So yesterday, the person who runs their Twitter ‘Twatted’ this

Minutes later, things started falling apart; kumbe folks have Nonini’s number. Guys called him and he said he was not in jail and he was actually in studio! Pulse had been caught red handed peddling lies on the internets. Yaani these falas think this is 1999, where guys used call boxes to tafuta each other. Mzeiya rununu tunazo! Plus surely, if you’re going to peddle your stale uongos on the web, at least have a plan! Si kuropokwa fuuuuuaaaa.

Nonini and Pulse have been at it since last month. Pulse insists Nonini twangad one of their paparazzi *Side bar* boss, we don’t have paparazzis here. They’re just a khaki jacket away from being photographers at KICC.

Anyway, Nonini says he didn’t chapa anyone and I kinda believe him, unless you’re covered in food, why would Nonini lay his hands on you?? But I could be wrong.

Pulse has been running on bullshit for like 8 years now!!!! It’s run by babies!!! Last week, they had a feature on copy cats; I wonder why they didn’t feature themselves.

BTW, Pulse are soo predictable, Charles uses the rag to settle his scores. Expect MM to be mentioned in Friday’s Pulse.

Onwards to another jinga, Ken Mureithi is a student rep at UoN. Yesterday, he took his shady ass to a press conference and announced in DETAIL how his friends had killed two security guards from ‘Hatari group’ and then set their bodies on fire. This boy expected a medal from his efforts or something, he was soo jazzed when he was even threatening the other ‘Culprits’ eeer Ken, my friend. I hope you’re ready to sleep with ticks na shuma ikiwa ndani ‘cause I can bet ya, the police are on your ass like a baaad itch.

Yaani UoN’s student leadership has come to this?!!
7:10
Good Stuff!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

On Thursday last week, I missed the chance to get horribly drunk on free cocktails and touch people inappropriately at the Sierra Lounge Yaya Centre ‘cause traffic was being a bitch and the mama who was cleaning my hair was on a ‘Ngo slow’ I swear she mwagad like half of that miadi stuff on my hair and went away for like 10 minutes! WTF?!

Anyyyyyhooo … I was supposed to be at the Yaya Centre ‘cause British American Insurance has done something some corporates consider suicide. They’ve reached out to bloggers!! Yes, the gig was not for the kawaida business reporters and their love of free things. This was a gig for bloggers. As you all know, British American has an IPO coming up. To make sure we’re all on the same page, they’ve opened up to questions and absolute scrutiny. They want us to know more about their brand and this means we’ll give YOU accurate data and insights if we do posts about British American (which we won’t btw lol)

I hear their MD is even on Twitter. He admits haya ‘Mabo ya tuita’ ni mapya. Traditional media’s influence is wanning, folks need to wake up and realize social sites can make or break their products.

Over the weekend, I spoke to a few financial experts and they told me ‘Yeye, toa pesa kwa bra and buy the British American shares’ ‘cause this is a good investment since the company itself is in the business of INVESTING! They know what to do with your shit (not literally) So my friends, before taking Waitherero to Karumaindo, just think for a few minutes whether she’s worth a lose G. That’s a G you can invest and it’s gonna bring you back some neat returns. Waitherero will most likely give you crabs and she’ll ask for 50 bob ikiwa unataka ‘Soundtrack’. For ladies, stop investing in Angel weaves, that thing incubates LICE! Buy shares and you just might hatch some real golden eggs.

For more details … check out THIS and THIS
July 04, 2011
6:31
The hero???
» ‎ Media Madness

Yesterday, I was ‘boad’ stiff and I stumbled upon the Miss World Kenya auditions on Citizen TV. First, THAT SONG!!!! Jehova!!! Uka na dugatumane *Yanks off weave* it has to be the worst song ever! Sang by our man Steve (who also doubles up as the host) was he chocking his you know what when he was singing it? Oh wait; he wears skinny jeans, that explains everything. He was using a lavalier mic, that’s when you know this show is bila budgets. I bet some scenes were shot on Samsung Galaxy Ace.

I’m confused, is this a travel show or what? Stop giving us the credentials of the towns you’re at and move to the ‘talent’ haraka upesi! Steve had ‘popped’ his collar during the whole show, someone hand this brotha a calendar, it’s fucking 2011!!! And you’re not in NERD; they’re the only ones who make that shit look all soo cool.

The girls on display seriously need to be smacked on the kiongos! Most of them were walking like they have boils in their Miss Victorias (Refer to Getrude Mungai’s sex show on K24). There were more weaves on that show than a Beauty Options duka. Let’s sample a few sound bites from the ‘auditioners’ as Steve calls them.

One girl in Meru said she was very ‘Eggzaited’. Still in Meru, one girl said her role model is Lilian Kanene ‘cause Lilian is intelligent *walks away to weep* this generation is fucked.

The judges are even worse. One guy asked ‘Who was evicted from power in Egypt’ excuuuuuse me … is Power a reality show in Egypt??! I’m confused. This hot mess needs to be kicked off air into someone’s diab.

Moving on to Exodus to Stardom, I’m sure Jesus doesn’t approve. Gospel is supposed to be ‘Uplifting’ but that show makes you wanna cuddle with Satan. It’s a mess! Rufftone should have sought guys to volunteer on this show. Heck, if volunteering on the show gets me into the book of life, I’ll be there slaving it for Jesus. I’ll stop there before I’m drop kicked from the good books.
6:30
The take over …
» ‎ Media Madness

Like a langa at Sabina joy, our gava is opening its legs wide for every Chinese company and we’re gtting fucked badly! Even with their small ‘peanuses’ (a rumour by the way, I’ve never seen a Chinese man’s ‘Peanus’)

Eveready is a fucking mess and it’s dying every day, partly their fault for lack of innovators in the group but still, you can’t ignore the many ‘Chinese’ brands in the market. It’s fucking frustrating, the government is NOT doing anything, as a market, all we do is take take take. We have nothing to give out. We’re crippling key sectors of the economy by giving everyone a free pass.

You might argue, it makes sense to give these Chinese companies business, but where do we draw the line? Fine, they’re fixing the roads (BTW, they need to invest more in signage; they owe my sister a bumper)

Now, they’re winning crucial contracts in the media. A company called Pan Africa Network Group has won the license to distribute digital TV signals in the country. As you all know, KBC as the national broadcaster owns all the ‘digital frequencies’. Earlier this year, RMS na marafiki wake went to court ‘cause they felt Smart TV was being given an unfair edge by KBC. Truth is, these folks just want to PUSH out Smart TV from the picture, because content wise SMART TV is beating them hands down. Smart TV btw has Kenyan owners, but here’s a Chinese company that has being given exclusive RIGHTS to distribute digital TV signals and no one is talking about ‘unfair advantage’

Shareholding

Check out the Chinese Company’s shareholding list (Link Above). Eeeer where is their local partner?? Is it mandatory for you to have a Kenyan investor in your list of directors if you’re coming from abroad to set-up shop here??
July 01, 2011
10:20
Tuharibu Maskio
» ‎ Media Madness

Enclosure: [download]

Yes, my post is hours late … I’d like to blame KPLC but I understand there are things that are beyond their control. Transformers blow and it takes time to get them replaced.

So jana I was busy staring a girl try and walk in ridiculous high heels. Kwanza she had on a t-shirt, yes there is NO fucking way that was a dress, before I could take a photo, I got an email with a song attached. The song is called ‘Tokelezea’ by Chantelle and Abbas.

Let’s sample a few lines from the song

Hizo Haga zimetokelezea juu hao husema mimi hukula mbolea

Mimi supuu kama stew na ma top layer za high school

Nina bra na ma nipples bado zime tokelezea

Mother’s Union bado imetokelezea

Naweza kukupikia ukinitembela

The lines above are by Chantelle. Listen to the song here Abbas, Chantelle feat. TK - Tokelezea (Kapella Remix)

Chantelle is pretty, but I went to a public High School and sweetie, top layer is NOT PRETTY!!! Unless you’re telling us your face is oily as fuck. Okay, she says folks say her booty ime tokelezea ‘cause she eats shit right? Chantelle, is shit also the inspiration for your music?

I you used to like Abbas when he was on K-South but after they broke up his career headed South. I saw him in town the other day in a ‘Boshori’ for those who are not familiar with one, you clearly haven’t beebn around jamathoga babies. That thing is even hideous on a baby and he goes around with one on his head. Abbas, only WaChege, WaJolo can’t pull off this look wakipeleka maziwa dairy at 3Am huki Kinangop.

Local artistes bitch a lot about being ‘Ignored’ about us not ‘Buying’ their music. Half of it is just class one narrative and a really bad track! And the videos … the Lawd needs to come and deliver us!

Speaking of videos, Sheila Kwamboka posted a teaser for her new video … Video girl. Oh wait, most of you don’t remember Sheila. It’s allowed, she was eer she was in some show or something.

Media Madness had exclusive access to her music late last year

[www.frankierants.com]

Yes, she’s now a singer, she’s BIG in Nigeria, so I hear. I guess that explains why the video is a hot mess, sitting on the floor like una umwa na tumbo is not sexxay at all. This girl needs to take a seat and chill at the corner, she’s hanging on to relevance with her big fingers. Her make-up screams NAIJA MOVIE *Chineke*

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLUN38pQOp4
June 30, 2011
5:37
Social Media Day!
» ‎ Media Madness

Social Media Day is a global event that celebrates the technological advancements that enable everyone to connect with real-time information, communicate from miles apart and have their voices be heard. This is Mashable’s description of what social media day is.

It would have been cool if we celebrated Media Madness as a social site by having a ka serious bash offline. But no, Media Madness is not like that, I’m sure everyone agrees, we’re all comfortable giving each other virtual high fives.

On this day, I’d LIKE to thank all of you for making Media Madness the MOST interactive website in Kenya. Everyone wishes their blog had a serious community like the one on Media Madness

*Tupige Makofi* *Karuheni CHWAAAAA*

Social Media gives you active engagement; you and your friends on Facebook are constantly sharing news, photos and what not. On Twitter, it’s a continuous stream of EVERYTHING, jokes, news and self esteem issues.

Traditional media talks AT YOU! You rarely have the chance to have your unedited thoughts heard, but here, you can say anything and like Ivy League, you can say EVERYTHING (She averages 200 words in her comments *Makofi*) her thoughts might be a truck load, but she can CLEARLY (I’m assuming it’s a lady) articulate her thoughts in a smart way.

Folks like Karucy, Gumzo, Jupiter’s Cock, Zoddies, Sminotita even Fiatu and many others come here and leave us in stitches but still give us informed opinions. On this site, we rarely have blondes …. Eeeer apart from Blondie who is our special child (we’ll make her awesome)

My boss sent me the brief for this story and it said I should dig for the funniest comments. Reason is, comments on this site have become BIG, even on CNN and the HuffPo, people are coming back to the sites, not to go through the news but to read the comments thread. I did go through many comments in search for the funniest, but I ended up peeing on myself from laughter and so I’ll only post only one from Mrs Kende. She posted this under the story ‘The Ultimate rip off’

Look at your comment. Back to mine. Back to yours. NOW BACK TO MINE

Sadly, it isn’t mine. But if you stop trolling and started posting legitimate crap it could LOOK like mine. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re scrolling through the comments, finding the ones that your comment could look like. Back at mine, what is it? It’s a highly effective counter-troll. Look again, MY COMMENT HAS NOW MANY THUMBS UP!

Pure genius!

Please, let’s go back waaaaay back in time and let’s share the comments that made you wanna knock on the pearly gates. You can also share the comment that was so insightful it made you think hard about issues (Look through yesterday’s comments)

Knowing folks on this site, they’ll most likely digress into other stories.

Especially now that the police have said Mercy Keino was a hit and run (interpret that the way you want) and also that Mwau’s driver and his bodyguard will be charged in court for giving police false information. The guys’ stage managed their own ‘shooting’ but that’s the problem with folks who can’t think past their utambis, they didn’t think through the plot. I even suspect one of them got ‘gangster’ lessons from episodes of Cobra Squad.
June 29, 2011
5:30
Please, take the next bus outta town
» ‎ Media Madness

Activist - An especially active, vigorous advocate of a cause, especially a political cause.

So for the last two days ‘activists’ have been camping outside Jogoo House. Their goal is to have the folks implicated in the ‘thiefing’ of Education money thrown out of public office then prosecuted and jailed. They hope to achieve this by sitting on the cold floor, shouting themselves hoarse, singing those horrible horrible horrible songs (Judge Ian uko wapi?!) and yeah, their trademark ‘STUNT’, chaining doors or themselves.

Now, let’s go back to the description I have above of who an activist is supposed to be. ‘A Vigorous advocate of a cause, especially a political cause’ yes, folks like Omtatah Okoiti are indeed vigorous, but are they active in their causes?? All I see is Omtatah jump from one ‘cause’ to another. The ‘HOT’ item of the lady! Oh Shiro hana pesa ya bra … Omtatah will be there blaming the women ministers of neglecting their own.

Omtatah has balls, big shiny ones for show. He’s busy cultivating his celebrity with the ‘Ills’ of the government.

Most activists work very hard to change current systems and promote their own. Look at Paula Kahumbu, she’s VERY dedicated to ONE key movement, protecting our wildlife and their habitat. She’ll put on blast, companies that litter in the park, she’ll point out a problem and OFFER a sensible solution.

Skip back to our political activists, they’re in it for notoriety. They’ll always make sure they’re in the news. Then they package all their news clippings into a nice Power point and start hawking it around asking for money from ‘donors’ to support their ‘cause. Once they get the money, they graduate from chaining themselves to doors and learn about the cool press conference facilities at the many five star hotels in the city. After a few years, they get into politics in an attempt to change the system from ‘within’ the day they become politicians. They raise their FAT middle fingers to activism.

Then there’s another crop of emerging activists, their idea of activism doesn’t extend further than pointing out the issues, creating hashtags for them and printing T-shirts. I can do that myself. They create causes they’re not ready to see an end to. Some of them would never do anything if they didn’t have support, which is mostly their friends and employees who don’t really have a choice.
June 28, 2011
7:30
Update
» ‎ Media Madness

The Mercy Kieno story continues. The owner of the shinde that was allegedly seen dropping off a body on Waiyaki Way surrendered to the police. He says he wasn’t dropping off anything; he was just a curious ninja who slowed down to LOOK at the body! See, slowing down to stare aimlessly (unless it’s on K-Street) can land you in troubles.

In the media, NTV went a step further and talked to the CSI Nairobi guys about the crime scene and everything and the guy simply said what any CSI ‘watcher’ would say. Alas! Citizen had Evelyn Wambui go to uni and she talked to some DF’s and they talked about ‘PIA pressure’ in school. Yaani this case has become about ‘Morals’ thaaat fast!

But the real gems were not from the reporters, it was from the SONU chairman or whatever he is, I’m not big with titles. He was reading a statement where he was saying they might go on the streets to protest, the killing. Two weeks later, really?! Where were all of you when she was found dead? If y’all are all about brotherhood and all, we’d have juad about the killing from YOU not the MEDIA!

If you’re going to protest, it should be on some random farm in Juja, not Nairobi. If you stone anyone, y’all should be clobbered a good one!

Back to the SONU guy, this guy is a walking Webster. Sample a sentence from his statement (Check out video below)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gQ_NMMTZSE

‘The explanation given by the police that she was a hit and run victim should be sold to the kids and the birds in the air. It’s obnoxious (Extremely unpleasant) belligerent (Hostile and aggressive) cantankerous (Bad-tempered, argumentative, and uncooperative) and this has caused discomposure (Confusion) and discomfiture (disappointment ) of spirits’

The words in bold are the simple words this ninja could have used, BUT NOOO!! Mtajuaje ako uni?! He has to SHOCK y’all with English words he probably mastered while in Ndururuno High school as he tried to tune the cateress or the girl in 3A.
7:30
YEEEEES!!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

After months off air … I’m PLEASED to announce that Lucy Ngunjiri will be back this Sunday on Kameme FM!!! Yes folks, ‘Itaha ria muoyo’ is getting its host back. Lucy was a victim of the awful leadership techniques employed by Paul Wanyaga as he tries to convince the folks at Transcentury he is worth the sacks of money thrown at him every month.

The station saw a serious TANK in ratings on Sunday, plus brand loyalty was eroded (never a good thing, ever)

Kameme recently re-launched to try and re-gain its niche (The dukes of Kabeteshire). So this Sunday, let’s welcome back Lucy (Go tell your folks)
June 27, 2011
10:39
Tusker All Stars!
» ‎ Media Madness

Tusker All Stars Kicked off jana on Citizen! The show will run every Sunday on 8pm. It features, Hemedi, Msechu, Patricia, Caroline, Nganga, Apha, Davis and Ameelena.

The performance were on point, especially Patricia with her rendition of coming home! She hit that out of the park! Wowhat! The Villagers band can have my babies, as in the way they twangad those drums *fans self*

I really have no idea who dressed the guys, cause David looked like he has raruad a kitenge and worn it to the show, msechu had a mushaino shaino scarf (a first)

I liked the graphics this time round, clean and with no annoying sound bite! The set/ background was definitely eye-catching and it took a while for me to actually believe that TPF was happening. So eye-catching that it came across as busy and not too well-lit in some places.

I watched the premiere of TAS with my parents and I could hear them asking where the hecklers are. And it was a bit of a shocker for them too when there were no TPF judges in sight, you know, Ian and the rest.

This led to many questions even on twitter about the format of the TAS. It was quite obvious that this was not the usual TPF. Not to worry though Gaetano and Eve made sure they rushed through the changes! I think someone needs to be explaining in every show just what TAS is all about, what’s up for grabs and how people are meant to participate and get involved via voting or whatever! The biggest failure so far (and I really expected a change here) was the inclusion (or omission) of online voting or social network participation. With no active counter on Twitter or Facebook, this TAS might kick itself in the nuts.

Anyway, can someone get a hold of the video editing! There were chunks missing from the intro TAS song that made the entire performance lack harmony, and sounded plain nasty to be honest, save for a few solo acts. The sound is a tad better but the BGVs and the band in some performances were out-sounding the acts on stage. What results is Alpha type of singing–shouting.

The super fans segment is pure fuckery! Many KOT kept on asking what the point of having the links is. Not only are the two personalities annoying and intolerable, they just don’t speak on behalf of most people. Just bring back Ian on a couch, or better yet the entire judging panel. No, really who the hell is Arjun?

I personally loved the TAS bar concept, ingenious way of marketing the product! It is definitely not subtle but by holding interviews in a mock bar it plays on the angle that bars are places to talk and what not. It will be interesting to see how Eve uses that particular platform. Speaking of Eve, I don’t think many people want to see the two hosts (Eve and Gaetano) share the stage like in TPF. They may have had chemistry on radio but they are now has-beens, and this is a different game all together.

I could go on forever but I’m tired.

You can look through the Tweets about the show HERE
7:19
Naming names
» ‎ Media Madness

Yesterday the Sunday Nation sold maaany copies with this STORY. Mercy Keino’s body was found on Waiyaki way. Read the story first, if you haven’t read it.

But the story was missing ONE crucial detail. The name of the MP questioned by the police, they had clues like ‘Flamboyant Central MP’ how the fuck I’m I supposed to know flamboyant MP’s?? I live in a middle class bubble; I don’t have time to follow MP’s lives.

There was SOME serious debate especially on Twitter with people DEMANDING that Nation name the guy since he’d already spoken to the police. It’s not like they were speculating or anything.

In an email conversation with a Nation editor, he told me the reason why the Nation is always cautious about ‘Naming names’

‘There has been a conspiracy between judges and politicians that however straight forward the case, we lose. So you find stories where everyone names names but we (Nation) can’t because they sue only us’

Yaani, Nation is too afraid to get their asses dragged to the courts ‘cause they’ve always lost their cases, even when it’s clear they did no wrong! Tha’s just sad! I hope Willy Mutunga will sort this shit out.

Back to the topic at hand, after LOTS of pressure, The Nation finally named the MP. Read the story here

My post had to change after they posted the story above; my earlier post was CONDENMING cowardice in the media. Yes, they’re threatened kila siku, but they were not called ‘Muckrakers’ for nothing!!! They have to start standing up against these fools, not joining them in their mediocrity and threatening to gag people. Remember when I referenced Section 42 of the constitution and Fiatu asked what I was on about? I’ll do a post in a few weeks once I’m thoroughly schooled.

It’s a good thing, now I hope folks will get the balls and actually help police with this case. But I’ll be honest; this story made me sadder when I realized this lady wasn’t at the party alone. Her friends never followed her when she allegedly left the party very late into the night. Marafiki vigeugeu!
7:17
Congratulations!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

The Star’s Fatuma Noor is this year’s CNN MultiChoice African Journalist. She was feted for her story on the terrorist group ‘Al-Shabaab’ and how some guys leave their relatively good lives to come and fight for the group.

Sadly, I can’t find the series online. Others feted were Sylvia Chebet and Kimani Githae, Citizen TV in the ECONOMICS & BUSINESS category, Beryl Ooro, K24 TV in the HIV/AIDS REPORTING IN AFRICA category and Kamau Mutunga from the Daily Nation in the SPORT reporting category.
June 24, 2011
5:45
Ati ngapi?!
» ‎ Media Madness

So, the Nation carried the story of one Rita Muchiri who is seeking a Kshs. 1.2 Million bride price. Yeah, that’s right. As much as I’ve seen amazingly beautiful, educated and high-flying women career-wise, I don’t really believe in the premise of paying bride price.

I feel if you’re going to go out in public and make such a bold demand, then you deserve to be fully and openly scrutinized. I’m not sure where to begin, let’s start from the top. That hairline. I strongly advocate for a weave in her case. Now to her face, I heard someone ask if that’s baby powder. And why has she powdered mpaka her eyebrows? It’s 2011, ‘darring’ ‘bota’ really? No. For a moment there, I thought she didn’t have any.

I know very little about make up, but I’m sure you’re supposed to use a colour that’s close to your complexion. Her complexion seems to be darkening as you go down her neck and chest. Since she obviously doesn’t use much to maintain her look, I suspect the 1.2M will go into financing the production of her Moi Avenue Couture Mabati suit.

These are the suits that can catch fire if they passed by a typical spicy Indian meal.

To be honest, I don’t really believe in the premise of paying bride price. But if I had to pay something for this chick, I’d bargain mpaka 17K. Problem is, we can’t even see her legs. I have a feeling that after seeing them, the price would go down further.

Okay, so maybe it’s not all about looks. It’s the amount that was spent on education. I believe this thing of paying cash started around the time when very few girls were allowed to go to school because a lot of people didn’t believe they’d amount to much anyway. When people took their daughters to school while others didn’t, they felt they needed compensation.

But it’s the 21st century, we’re all equal. Why should I pay your parents for educating you? How will I benefit from your education more than you will from mine? Does this woman know 1.2M is worth about 6,000 rounds at Sabina Joy?
5:30
Class in session!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Okay Crass!!

How to sort the comments on MeNDIA Madiness. Take a look at the photograph here

To see the comments in the order they were ‘left’ choose ‘Oldest first’ and everything will be oka.

‘Gumzo washa kushungiria sidiria ya mukami’

As you can see, we’re still sorting out the other manenos … so far the IT team is still taking in your recommendations and YES, they will work through the night today.
June 23, 2011
8:29
Grammer is important.
» ‎ Media Madness

I once saw a ‘friend’ on one of the social networks use that on her update. And of course it was a girl. It’s always funny when someone who’s trying to correct others’ grammar also makes a grammatical or spelling error.

Grammar/spelling/punctuation is not really something you fully learn in school — at least not in 8-4-4 — but it comes more from reading books, magazines and the more accessible newspapers. But what happens when the newspapers themselves fuck up just as much as you and I?

Is it that we’re now older and notice these mistakes more or has newspaper editing really sunk this low? Nowadays, you can’t go through half the paper without noticing some serious mistakes. Especially in punctuation.

The Dela interview in the Standard’s Saturday pullout magazine had more spelling, grammatical and punctuation mistakes than a composition by a class four student from Ndururuno Primary School & Dentistry College. On the same day, Nation bolded out a caption that read, “I’m focussed on winning…”

Even Yeye’s grammar is sometimes pedestrian. I blame her school background. But she will be redeemed.

In the Dela interview, it was pure recklessness. It looked like someone just let Word autocorrect everything.

I know papers don’t have an obligation to educate watus but it’s about journalism. It’s their job. Their business is relaying news to us using only words, the least they can do is do it right.

This reminds me of a KTN news anchor who struggled with the word ‘silhouette.’ Makes you wonder if there was not one person on set who at least knew how to pronounce it correctly. Or if she even went through her stuff before the broadcast. She ended up saying ‘Silhahoot.’
June 22, 2011
16:04
Help our techies, figure their shit out
» ‎ Media Madness

Change can be a bitch and our techies need your help to figure out the new MM look. Nimewasomea hizi comments zote na wamesema, we try democracy. Ala! ati democratic techies. Anyhow… comment if you like look Number1, Number 2 or Number 3. Ebu get commenting so these chaps malizana before they go home at 7pm

Look number 1

The one that you are currently seeing active.

Look number 2

Look Number 3
7:34
RIIPA!!!!
» ‎ Media Madness

Jana as I was getting my hair washed in town, KTN ran the story about MP’s being told to pay up taxes from August last year! YES! One MP spoke, since my head was turned the other side, I didn’t see who he was, but he had the balls to say ‘How can I survive on 700k? I have a 400k Mortgage, sijui nini’ RIIPA! Wacha stori mingi!

If you make 700k and you’re still in debt, na si shamba umenunua ama ‘tu gorofa’ una jenga Pipeline, then you my friend are thick as fuck!

MP’s are expected to pay up to 3 million shillings in backdated tax returns. Baks is supposed to pay a cool 8 million bob, but this is a drop in the ocean compared to the money mama spends on weaves and getting her eyebrows shaped. ‘Weka shape ya moon’ priss.

Last year, the ever smiling Wako ‘fixed’ the MP’s by writing a letter to KRA saying they wouldn’t have to pay taxes until their terms expire, well y’all got baited and like Mutula Kilonzo says ‘You swallowed it ook, line and zinger’

I’m expecting another show of shallowness in the next couple of days as they fight this new directive. I wonder what bill they’ll hold hostage this time.

ION, will AFCO be affected in the new directive?? A friend is asking.

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