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Nyambura's Diary

May 18, 2012
16:03
The one with the short story...
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

*If only tonight he could sleep* "You're not supposed to be here," Edu reminded her wearily as he sipped his beer. His bleary eyes remained fixed on the Indian Ocean. Its usually deep blue waters were a churning grey as a storm cloud in the horizon fast approached the mainland.Well, you're not supposed to be here either...working day and all, Sera replied as she strolled up to him. He chose to say nothing. He had been hoping he'd get away from her for just a couple of hours, have a few beers and some much needed shut eye. The irony of it all was not lost on him. There was a time when he would have happily chopped off his arm to spend more time with her. You do know what they say about day drinking, don't you?"You want one?" he offered. She pouted. Now you're just being mean. "Sorry," he said, running a hand over his clean shaven head. He still hated upsetting Sera even when she was being infuriating-which was often. "I'm just a little tired."She flopped down next to him. You've been saying that a lot lately. "That I'm tired?"That you're sorry. "I know." Sera's gaze shifted towards the newspaper which he was using as a place mat for his cans.POLICE QUESTION PROMINENT TV PRODUCER. The headline screamed. Poor guy. Edu grimaced, taking a swig from his Tusker can. Poor guy indeed, he thought to himself. As far as he was concerned, Jared was a pompous ass and being rattled by the cops would do his character some much needed good.I get it: you never liked him. But they're unfairly giving him a hard time when the killer never left the building, she glanced up at him. You'll get away with it you know. No one knows you existed in my world."Ah, the perks of secret love," he drawled bitterly. "What we had, was it ever real?"Of course it was. "And yet when it came down to making a choice, you chose him," he pointed out. Sera bit her lower lip; something She did when nervous or anxious.I didn't. I said I wasn't ready to let him go just yet. I thought you'd understand where I was coming from. "Are you serious?" he asked furiously. "From the moment we met, you kept telling me you're just waiting for the right time to break up with him. I stayed because I knew you'd do it soon." Sera sighed. You always had to be so serious about everything.He blinked at her in disbelief."We are in business together and he's like part of our family. I'll have to break it off carefully," she'd said.They had been quite a pair, he mused. To the world, Edu was the reclusive owner of a successful start up company. The nice guy who lived one floor above her: always the designated driver, always polite to the neighbours, the help and always in the background and comfortable with it. As for Sera...well, Sera was something else entirely.She was a beauty; with her smooth dusky skin, lithe frame and dark eyes full of mischief and mirth. But it was more than that. Sera was always full of so much energy and excitement it radiated off her, lighting up any room she walked into...the life of any given party. The second Edu met her, he knew he wanted to be close to her and revel in the magic that was her presence. So for one year they secretly dated. For one year he was consumed by a love that was intense, extravagant and tinged with a longing that gnawed at his soul.Then last Saturday night, they had their worst fight ever. He had been waiting in her apartment when she walked in late. They were to have take out Ethiopian dinner then watch a movie at her place. Sera forgot this and went to a party with Jared. She tried to sweet talk Edu into accepting her heart felt sorry and letting it go. He'd had enough. So they had an ugly exchange of words. Then came his ultimatum, her final stand and him demanding to know why she was being such a selfish bitch. By the time the dust finally settled Sera was dead. The memories were loud and jagged. Some, he had trouble accepting as real: the feel of his fingers around her neck, the panicked look in her eyes, Sera's thrashing body as her nails clawed desperately at his hands. Then there was the terrible stillness, the lifeless eyes, him mechanically picking her up; laying her out on her bed, arranging her body just so...gently tucking in her comfort blanket around her curled up body as though Sera was only sleeping. But worst of all, was the sickening horror and self loathing he felt after he stole back to his apartment. He mentally shook himself and the memories slithered away. It was then he noticed that a beach boy had stopped several feet away to gape at him. Give him your winning smile. Edu waved. "Vipi boss," he called cheerfully. The beach boy shook his head and hurried off. I think you scared him off. "Am I going mad?" he whispered. What do you think? He leaned against the palm tree's trunk and closed his eyes. He was tired and his thoughts were like broken pieces of a mirror caught up in a whirlwind. She was just in his head, he chanted to himself. And if he could get a good night's rest...Just 'cause it's in your head doesn't make it unreal you know. The first time -after her death- Sera paid him a visit, Edu had woken up with a start from a nightmare only to find her seated cross legged at the foot of his bed watching him. Her appearance was solid; nothing like Casper the friendly ghost. She was like the real in-the-flesh Sera, except she now had a hoarse voice, bruise marks discoloring her neck and forever wore the same little black dress she wore that night.Edu had never believed in ghosts. Nana, his mother's elderly house help, had tried to make him a believer as a child with her fantastical tales of the spooks that lived and thrived in Mombasa. He had instead found the stories hilariously entertaining and begged her for more much to her chagrin. A part of him had been terrified by Sera's appearance but another part-that secret part he did not want to acknowledge- had been grateful he had the chance to ask her for forgiveness and show her how truly sorry he was. Then her visits became more frequent and with each visit, Edu was left more jaded, hollow and desolate within. But even more disconcerting was the encroaching shadow he sensed swirling and wrapping itself around his mind...distorting...needling...cooing... "What's on your mind?" he asked, taking in her wistful face.I was just getting started...so many places to go to...so many things to be... and it was going to be epic. "I know."Now...I'm here...stuck. Edu sensed a vicious edge to her words. Odd, as Sera had never been an angry person. Then again, Sera had admitted to him a couple of nights ago that she was alone on the other side. She did not know why this was so, but it scared her to be in such an unfamiliar place alone. So she came to him for company. He had never known Sera to be easily scared or lonely either. "I'm sorry."You've really got to stop saying that. "I know."Don't feel so bad, she paused, smiling at him. At least you and I get to be together forever just like you wanted. "I wish I could take it back."What? You killing me? "My falling in love with you; that's when it all went to hell," he said with sudden, absolute clarity.You can't mean that. We were good together weren't we? His voice tightened. "That's the thing, Sera. I'm trying really hard to remember the last time we were last happy together. But I just can't remember." I didn't mean to hurt you then. Please believe that.She abruptly got up, skipped towards the shore and twirled with her arms outstretched, closing her eyes as a gust of wind blew in. Sera paused and held out her hand. Come. Let's go for a swim.He frowned. "The water's too rough. Besides, you do know I'm not that good a swimmer." I know.You'll be fine though."I will drown."Don't be such a buzz kill. "You go on and enjoy your crazy swim, Sera."Tell you what; we go for a quick swim and I'll finally let you sleep. Edu considered. The tide made him uneasy and yet the thought of his head hitting a pillow and peacefully drifting off was sheer bliss. "Promise?"She flashed him a wicked grin. Hand over heart my dear. "OK," he said as he unsteadily got up to his feet. "Just for a few minutes," he whispered as he followed her into the raging ocean.

Copyright © 2012 by J .N. Kariuki
April 21, 2012
14:05
The one where I heart Carol K
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

"What do you mean Nyambura blogs? What kind of blog is it?" A pal asked last evening. "As in, what do you write about? Food, travel, politics? "

"I write about everything and nothing. See, the theme on my blog is, 'We're on a break' " I explained with a grin.

"Ahhh," he said nodding. "I'll check it out later."

And we moved on to other more funner topics. Truth be told, the people in the circles I hang out in are not into blogs or even social networks...they rock to a whole different beat...

Deep down though, I kind of hoped he had understood what I meant. I sometimes have a problem being concise, you see...and for some reason, it was important for me that he understands that when he visits here, he's strictly on a break. It could be a cigarette or coffee break or a quick visit to the office water cooler. Hell, I even created this space while on a coffee break and I write most posts while on various breaks/time outs...so I come in, put down whatever is on my mind at the time, have lots of fun with it, then go back and get busy living.

The above convo, reminded me of the BAKE awards announcement I had seen on Storymoja's online daily earlier in the day. I clicked on it expecting it to be some colorful, creatively off-the-wall version of the people's choice awards (my overactive imagination had conjured up all sorts of things; like I was expecting to see best cartoon or humor or poetry blog categories in the list. That and a artsy looking web page). It was not. It was very serious looking. Once again, reality had decided to rain on my parade *sigh*

The upside though, is that CarolK a.k.a Kenyan mom 's super cool blog has been nominated in the creative writing category. Please vote for her. I just did. I luuuuuuurve her.

Why?

Well, I could tell you that it's because her blog is like a cool, underground club where only a select few know it exists and you're guaranteed the place will rock. Or I could tell you its because she has a thing for empty swimming pools, headphones, kissing presidents, potted plants (and they don't die on her) and assigns songs to all her visitors (now that's hospitality, people). OR that she's into Battlestar Galactica...OR that when I read her posts, I picture her to be kick-ass Alicia Florrick of The Good Wife; very cool, poised, influential, good at her job, warm and knows how to have a good laugh. I'm dead serious about this by the way. I even had to ask Sam Buggz if she was that awesome in person and he assured me she was even cooler...So maybe reality is not out to depress me after all...

Seriously though, I voted for her because I simply love the way she writes. And most importantly -like the books I devour- I love how her posts make me feel...

Don't take my word for it though. Go have a quick look-see for yourself.

Mob wendos,

Nyambura
April 18, 2012
13:02
The one with the April what-nots...
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

So I seem to be having an...um, interesting April.

Was to go on an Easter road trip but begged off last minute, gave in to my inner dark and twisties, busted my right foot, which should be halfway healed by now (It got injured nine days ago), except it's still messed up and still hurts like hell. So more visits to the doctor...more tests...more meds...more feeling sorry for myself.

Then there is the real lousy part; I'm about to send a mea culpa to a dear and longtime friend of mine. I'm crossing my fingers and banking on the fact that he has a good memory. That he will remember, the once-in-a-blue-moon moments I've been a tool of epic proportions and how truly sorry I've always been afterwards. The thing that really bugs me about disappointing him though, is that he'll be a good sport about it...we'll still be cool...the way he looks at me won't change. My knowing that, feels much worse than having a busted foot that just won't heal fast enough, truth be told.

And to think April's not even over yet...

But just to keep things a little less blue, my mind is happily noshing on one of its fave comfort food: tubey delights. I've fully immersed myself in the sinfully delicious experience of watching some of my fave shows; Game of Thrones season 2 (and people, It was truly worth the wait and oh how long we waited), Justified's season 3, Walking dead season 2 and of course I'm topping it all off with marathon runs of the remaining episodes of The Good Wife 3 and Vampire diaries 3...

When that isn't keeping the blues at bay, I resort to humming and on occasion, singing songs from my play lists (I have various play lists for various moods).

So here I am, singing 'Julia and Angus Stone's (fyi, I can't get enough of their songs) 'Draw your swords' as I work...

Of course the decibels are in the same range as whispers and the singing is horribly off-key, but it feels awesome, beautiful people. It strokes the soul and the lyrics are sheer poetry to my ears...

"See her come down, through the cloudsI feel like a foolI ain't got nothing left to giveNothing to lose
So come on love, draw your swordsShoot me to the ground You are mine, I am yours Let's not fuck around Cause you are, the only one Cause you are, the only one
I see them snakes come through the ground They choke me to the bone They tie me to their wooden chair Here are all my songs
So come on love, draw your swordsShoot me to the ground You are mine, I am yours Let's not fuck around
Cause you are, the only one Cause you are, the only one
The only one The only one The only one
So come on love, draw your swordsShoot me to the ground You are mine, I am yours Let's not fuck around..."
Mob wendos,

Nyambura
March 07, 2012
14:53
Note to younger self...
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

High school seems like such a looong time ago...OK, it IS. I guess what I meant was, my high school memories are blurry to the point of distortion and covered in layers and layers of dust. I never liked high school much, so I hardly ever take a trip down that memory lane. That and the fact that when compared to my college experiences (which were beautifully awesome) high school simply paled and faded into the background...

The announcement of the K.C.S.E results last week and the subsequent discussions concerning the 'what next' had me scouring through the corner of my mind-the one that I reserve for discarded memories, ghosts and other dark, creepy crawlies- picking up and quietly examining some high school and college memories...

And later on, I ended up scribbling the below note to my younger self...

Short and badass yes?

The unedited version looked like this:

Always remember, the Devil (or God, depending on how you're looking at it) is in the details. Let it be your general rule of thumb as you embark on the everyday.

Yes. Doodling on the pages and daydreaming is much more interesting but try to make a genuine effort when it comes to your studies. You'll learn some pretty cool stuff...and said cool stuff may lead you down some pretty fascinating roads...

And yes, that A+ on your test scores is a golden key. But remember, it may not necessarily be the key to the right door. And the door you think is the right one may not lead to the place where you need to be. Broaden your horizon, girl.

No, dear. The jeans didn't shrink after washing. Your body just grew out as you were busy sampling those Bhajias, getting second helpings of pasta and giving the fitness buffs the evil eye.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes.

It's OK to hear and march to a different drum beat. Lonesome? Most definitely. And lonesome is scary but the alternative will just break your heart

Never forget to laugh. Most importantly, never forget how it feels to laugh.

I've got some bad news. When it comes to boys and romantic love, I still haven't figured it all out. You'd think having lots of guys as your besties would make things easier to fathom. It doesn't. This much I can confidently tell you though: When it comes to guys who're into you, don't take to heart what they tell you. Only pay attention to their actions. Of course, if they tell you that they don't want to be in a serious relationship OR never want to get married and they're like thirty-nine, then by all means believe them.

Allow yourself to enjoy the experience that love offers even if you're terrified it will poof any minute.

Don't pass up that camel ride. You know the one I'm talking about...Come on now, don't be shy.

In every relationship, be it with family, friends or lovers, know your limits; the deal breakers.

Don't surround yourself with cynics. Cynics won't learn anything new. They won't dream, believe, create or transform. Their attitude not only grates on your nerves, it anchors down your spirit.

I know most people in high school are such tools. Pretty soon though (in college in fact) you're going to discover that yes, people can be tools. But people can be beautiful too especially those you think you have little in common with. Get to experience their awesomeness.

Keep dreaming, darling. Keep reaching for that horizon.

Truth be told, life won't always have answers or solutions. You won't always get what you want. You will fall. You will be disappointed. You will get tired. You'll experience fear, despair and longing. And sometimes, it will hit you so hard your insides will feel like they're being minced and boiled in oil, giving you a soul-hurt that makes you want to curl up in a corner and die. DON'T. Just grab your big girl panties and push on through that pain.

Que?

'Cause you're awesome and you at least owe yourself that much.

Mob wendos,

Nyambura

PS: Anyone who has a note to their younger self tucked somewhere pretty please let me have a peek :-)
January 31, 2012
8:24
"And the vegetables got their comeuppance..."
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

"May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead." An Irish toast.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, aptly describes my attitude towards healthy eating.
I've always been aware of the fact that my eating habits are abysmal and yet I'll cheekily cross my fingers hoping to get away with it. I skip meals, believe coffee belongs to an essential food group, think meal planning is only done when cooking for more than one person, pick at fruits and not only shudder at the sight of vegetables (and any other must-haves on the nutritionist's bible), but ante it up a notch by giving said veggies the flip off.

Stupid. I know. Yet I do it anyway.

The problem with cozying up to nasty habits is that eventually they will turn around and bite you in the ass. Which is what happened to me. I was suddenly sluggish and sickish ALOT. I couldn't even enjoy my own company anymore. The Doc sternly went on to let me know that it was going to get worse real fast if I didn't take the recommended dietary and lifestyle changes seriously this time round...
The suckage just had to go, I decided later on as I popped nasty tasting, foul-smelling pills into my mouth. And so, for the last thirty-two days, I've been planning my meals like a good girl, cut down on my coffee intake (although I admit I occasionally falter by sneaking in a few extra sips), taking my daily portion of fruits, veggies and even eating an assortment of bizarre looking grains & nuts I christened 'bird food'...

You know, working at letting go of bad habits a day at a time.

The funny bit is, this whole healthy eating experience is not as depressing as I initially feared it would be 'cause I still get to spice it all up any way I want to. And my relationship with the veggies? Well, we may not be tight, but we now have an understanding and it feels great. The pep in my step is back and so is the twinkle in my eye. The real challenge, I feel, is working at it til it feels as easy as breathing...

*Other interesting January What-nots: January has also been the month of experiencing beautifully awesome WTH (and on occasion, I did experience the WTF) TV moments thanks to the season finales of Breaking Bad season 4, Board walk empire season 2, Sons of Anarchy season 4 and Homeland season 1. My jaw dropped several times, people. Then I quickly picked it up and went to the net to consult the snarky oracle of all things tubey.
There was that, and then there was discovering the hilarious Stephanie Plum novels (many thanks Frank). Stephanie Plum & Co are an absolute riot and the series has been leaving me in stitches book after book. I still do not understand why it has taken me this long to read Janet Evanovich...

OK, my coffee break is almost over beautiful people. So here's to your good health, beautiful madness & pure awesomeness in 2012.

Mob wendos,

Nyambura
September 06, 2011
15:50
Somewhere in the world it's read-a-book day
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

So, I found out that today is read-a-book day...

Don't think a lot of people in this corner of the world know that (or particularly care). One is supposed to make time for a little fun reading today. You can even make it a family affair by reading to or with your kiddies (now that ought to be an enchanting sight).

Every day is pretty much a read-a-book day for me and my fun reads have to: have lots of humor, unforgettable characters, give me sneak peeks into the human psyche, make me hold onto my pants as the tale takes me on a fantastical ride and lovingly top it off with a shot of pathos that will leave them dark & twisties howling.

To honor this beeeautiful day, I've decided to let myself get all bubbly (again) over a couple of books that have me reaching out towards them and lovingly gliding my fingers along their spines every time I walk by the book case.

*The Book Thief by Markus Zusak*"I wanted to tell the book thief many things, about beauty and brutality. But what could I tell her about those things that she didn't already know? I wanted to explain that I am constantly overestimating and underestimating the human race -that rarely do I ever simply estimate it. I wanted to ask her how the same thing could be so ugly and so glorious, and its words and stories so damning and brilliant." narrates Death, in The Book Thief.

I'll be honest. The first time I saw this book on the bestselling lists, I was a touch hesitant to try it, fearing (yes, I can be a chickeny arse) that since the book is set in Nazi Germany, it would be such a sad read, I wouldn't have the heart to finish it. Then someone told me, "But it's narrated by death. He's a little like Disc world's death and a really deep guy. You'll love him." So I got my hands on a copy and found it to be a beautiful, funny, sad, thought-provoking read...
The Book thief, is a girl called Liesel. She gets adopted by Hans Huberman (a gentle soul who ends up hiding a Jew named Max in his basement) and his potty-mouthed wife Rosa, who has an interesting way of expressing her love for Liesel.

The story evolves around Liesel's day-to-day life as the second World war rages on. And the relationship she has with her parents, Max and other fascinating characters living in Himmel street; my fave being Rudy, Leisel's best friend and crazy partner in thievery. Rudy is so obsessed with American athlete Jesse Owens, he paints himself black and runs the 100metres at the local field one night. And yes, Death moved me too with his thoughts and I hated him for the job he had set out to do...

*On Jellicoe Road by Melina Marchetta*
"My body becomes a raft and there's this part of me that wants just literally to go with the flow. To close my eyes and let it take me. But I know sooner or later I will have to get out, that I need to feel the earth beneath my feet, between my toes-the splinters, the bindi-eyes, the burning sensation of hot dirt, the sting of cuts, the twigs, the bites, the heat, the discomfort, the everything. I need desperately to feel it all, so when something wonderful happens, the contrast will be so massive that I will bottle the impact and keep it for the rest of my life." Taylor's thoughts in On Jellicoe Road.

I usually have trouble describing this book to my friends because it's not enough to simply tell them what the book is about. I want them to know exactly how I felt reading this book and I need the right words to do that. Words that will do it justice. For it was a beautifully intense, heart-rending read that left all achy inside...
So I tell them it's about this cool, bad ass girl called Taylor who was abandoned as a baby on Jellicoe road and has been raised in Jellicoe school...

I tell them it's about the kids in this school having territory wars with the visiting cadets (from a millitary school in Sydney) and the kids from town (the townies). The wars have been waged for years (picture being at war with your rival schools. You each have your territories which you've fought for and laid claim to & the enemy tries to invade your territory lay claim to a specific tree without getting caught. Kids are ambushed, kidnapped, even given a beat down and it's all pretty cool fun). And Taylor gets to be chosen as the leader of the Jellicoe kids in the territory wars.

In between, there are these flashbacks (which are from a manuscript that Taylor finds at her mentor's house) that run parallel to Taylor's story, narrating the tragic story of five close friends, all walking wounded. Three were the only survivors of a car accident along Jellicoe road that claimed their parents. The fourth one was the boy who came riding by on a stolen bicycle and rescued them from the wreckage and a fifth encounters them much later and ends up joining their little circle...

And then there is the cool Chaz Santangelo, leader of the townies and the oh so beautifully flawsome Jonah Griggs; leader of the Cadets *sigh*

Enough swooning. Do have a fab read-a-book day.

Mob wendos,

Nyambura
August 26, 2011
13:24
The underpants conundrum: A guest post
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

[Nyambura and Sam Buggz are having an afternoon coffee session when a teenager in loud hip hop gear struts by]

Sam: Evolution of underpants.

Nyambura: Huh?

Sam: Evolution of underpants. Proof of mankind's downfall.

Nyambura [sighing]: You're about to get into one of your flibbertigibbet rants aren't you?

Sam: Humor me for a second. In the beginning, Adam roamed the earth. His package was wild and free...experiencing a full body tan. And when I say full body, I mean-

Nyambura [Holding up her hand]: I get the picture. Move on swiftly.

Sam: OK. In those times, every bit of Adam's body was accessible to sunshine. Then Eve came along wearing an exquisite birthday suit and there was much rejoicing in the land.

Then Adam and Eve ate the fruit...

I'm guessing the convo went something like this:

Adam: *Munches fruit* This stuff is really good dear...could we get a... *Adam gets a glazed look*

Eve: Get a what, dear?

Adam: Ahem. Er...honey...your erm...lady bits are exposed.

Eve: My what? Bits? What are you...erm, Adam, you're pointing at me.

Adam: I am NOT! My hands are behind my back!

Eve: Who said anything about your hands? Is THAT (pointing) supposed to do that? I think I have a headache

And so Nyambura, some nearby leaves were quickly fashioned into the world's first designer vine undies.

Humans have a dazzling array of underthings that they have worn since the first day a prehistoric caveman sat on a sun blasted rock and got his backside blistered...or probably walked naked through a patch of poison ivy and had his...you get the picture. First, there was probably a bunny that lost its warm pelt to cover the exposed gonads of our ancestor (which, fyi, goes to prove how old Hefner really is. Hell, he can probably remember actual events that are 3,000+ years old. Playboy bunnies are carbon dated. True story). So with time, humans found positively amazing ways to cover up their nudity.

The Europeans though, treated nudity like a really dangerous concept. Especially in the early 1800s. Back then, chicks swimsuits had PETTICOATS! Apparently the sight of a well turned ankle would drive men to distraction.
Oddly enough, this is the period where flower bouquets became fashionable. That and the belief that bathing regularly was a health hazard of sorts...

What's interesting to note however, is how much smaller underwear have become over the ages. And this goes for both sexes but more so the ladies of course.

Global warming perhaps?

Possibly.
For the male population -more so the younger generation- underwear is now outwear. And not in a superman/batman underpants-over-tights super hero fashion statement kind of way.

Pause.
Did you see that? Proof of brain slowly but surely turning to mush.
Will someone please explain (using detailed diagrams) why on earth the nimrods (pictured above) would want to put their skid marked goods out for public display?
Ponder on the below and the plausible explanation for this:

This totally sheds light on the whole sagging situation...this inane ramble should probably end right about now. . .
Nyambura [Raising right eyebrow]: You think?
Sam: Love that eyebrow thing you do. Wish I could do that. Now, before I lose steam, let's have a flashback to Garden of Eden as they were serving their notice period prior to eviction.
The Setting: Adam is stepping out of a waterfall having just had a refreshing shower (probably his last in a long while).
Adam: My adorable golden fluid made by those stinging insects (he's forgotten whether he named said insect 'Bee' or was it 'hornet'...could be 'wasp'...anyhow) We will have to leave this paradise shortly. We only have time for a quick bite and then off we go...

Eve: My love, I have prepared a fitting feast. See? I even laid it out on the most fetching, over sized fig leaf I could find.
Adam: The leaf looks terribly familiar oh fruit of my eye
Eve: Why do you think so, my virile stallion of the plains?
Adam: Oh my surgically detached better half , that leaf was only hours ago strategically placed on my nether region...the backside to be precise...and you know how the fruit gives me gas...
Eve *gags & gives him a frosty stare* [sotto voice]: There was a perfectly serviceable leaf mulch pit where that leaf should have been placed...but would you place it in the mulch pit? Oh no Mister I-name-all-the-animals, can't even put a simple LEAF into the MULCH PIT! And then you go asking God to come over for a peace meal knowing fully well I haven't a stitch to wear and do you even bother to tell me in good time that he's coming over? Noooooooo...
At which point the world's first murderous thought was conceived, later on followed through by Cain...

Underpants. They truly lead to the undoing of the world.

[Sam glances at his watch and smiles beatifically at a shell shocked Nyambura]: Ah...the nice people with the colorful pills are about to arrive again...
11:51
The Underpants conundrum: A guest post
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

[Nyambura and Sam Buggz are having a coffee session when a teenager in loud hip hop gear struts by]

Sam: Evolution of underpants.

Nyambura: Huh?

Sam: Evolution of underpants will be the downfall of mankind.

Nyambura [sighing]: You're about to get into one of your flibbertigibbet rants aren't you?

Sam: Humor me for a second…in the beginning, Adam roamed the earth, his package was wild and free…and he experienced a full body tan. And when I say full body, I do mean full body. In those times, every bit of the human body was accessible to sunshine. Then Eve came along wearing an exquisite birthday suit. There was much rejoicing in the land.

Then they ate the fruit.

I'm guessing the convo went something like this:

Adam: *Munches fruit*"This stuff is really good dear….could we get a…" *Adam gets a glazed look*

Eve: "Get a what dear?"

Adam: "Ahem…er…dear…your...erm…lady bits are exposed"

Eve: "My what? Bits? What…er…Adam? Your are pointing at me.."

Adam: "I am NOT! My hands are behind my back!"

Eve: "Who said anything about your hands? Is it supposed to do that? I think I have a headache.."

And some nearby leaves were quickly fashioned into the world's designer vine undies. And thus a fascination for under things was born.

Humans have a dazzling array of under things that they have worn since that first day a prehistoric chap sat on a sun blasted rock and got blistered on his backside…or walked naked through a patch of poison ivy….you get the picture.

Back when the saber tooth would joyfully spear 3 or 4 giant bunnies with his oversized canines as a quick midmorning snack, early man had just successfully discovered fire in caves. A couple of deeply creative cavemen were hired as interior designers and created tasteful motifs of the slaughter of buffalos, mammoths and, occasionally, other humans.

So first, there was probably a bunny that lost its warm pelt to cover the exposed gonads of our prehistoric ancestor (which only goes to prove how old Hefner really is…he can remember actual events that are 3000+ years old. Playboy bunnies can be carbon dated). And with time, humans found positively amazing ways to cover up their nudity.

The Europeans treated nudity like a really dangerous concept..especially in the early 1800 hundreds. Back then, chick swimsuits had petticoats! The swimsuit! Apparently the sight of a well turned ankle would drive men to distraction.

Oddly enough, this is the period where flower bouquets became fashionable…as the population in Europe felt that bathing regularly was a health hazard…

What's interesting to note is how much smaller underwear have become over time. And this goes for both sexes. More so the ladies of course. Global warming perhaps?

Possibly.

For the male population, more so the younger generation, underwear is now outerwear. And not in a superman/batman/random 'underpants-over- tights' super hero dude kind of way.

Pause.

Did you just see that there? And while I'm here, will someone please explain (with a detailed diagram and thesis) why on earth the mind above would want to put their skid marked goods out for public display?

There is one plausible explanation for this:

This totally sheds light on the whole gagging situation.

This inane ramble should probably end right about now.

Nyambura [Raising an eyebrow]: You think?

Sam [Pointing at her eyebrow]: Wish I could do that. Now, before I go…let's have a flash back to the Garden of Eden as they were serving their notice period prior to eviction.

The setting: Still the Garden of Eden. Adam is stepping out of a convenient waterfall having just had his last refreshing shower for a while.

Adam: "My adorable golden fluid made by those stinging insects" (he's forgotten the Bee name...or was it hornets? Anyhow)" We will have to leave this paradise regrettably soon. We only have time for a quick bite and then off we go...

Eve: "Adam my love…I have prepared a fitting feast. See? I have placed it all most fetchingly on this oversized fig leaf"

Adam: "Er…fig leaf you say oh large orange vegetative fruit of my eye?"

Eve: "Yes my virile stallion of the plains. Why do you ask?"

Adam: "Oh surgically detached better half of mine that leaf you have served our last meal was only hours ago strategically placed on my nethers….more so the backside…and you know how that fruit gives me gas…"

Eve: *Cold frosty silence* In sotto voice "There was a perfectly serviceable leaf mulch pit where that leaf should have been placed…but would you place it in the Mulch pit? Oh no! Mister "I name all the animals" can't put a simple LEAF into the MULCH pit! And then you go asking the Good Lord over for supper knowing full well I haven't a stitch to wear and do you tell me he's coming over? Nooooooo…."

At which point, the worlds first murderous thought was conceived. Later on, 'twas named Cain.

Underpants. They truly lead to the undoing of the world…

Ah…the nice people with the colorful drugs have just arrived again.
July 20, 2011
15:27
The one with the attempt at Short fiction.
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

*Heart's a mess: A secret sorrows interlude*
Every Thursday evenings, they flocked to Dusk to hear her sing.

Well, technically, they came to listen to the Swahili blues band perform its jazzy acoustic tunes. But it was Nahla-the band's lead vocalist-who held the crowd in rapt attention with her smoky, soulful voice.

Abbas came to see her...be with her and chase a feeling. He just couldn't stay away.

So he came. Every thursdays like clockwork.

"You keep that up and you'll break your neck," Abbas said, giving his boisterous friend a bemused look.

Mike was incessantly gesturing with his head at something or someone on Abbas's right. Abbas had been deliberately ignoring Mike's head tilts just to see how long he could keep it up without cricking his neck.

"Check out your three o'clock!"

Abbas shrugged and took another swig of his beer.

"Man, just have a quick look will you?"

Abbas slowly scanned the bar, taking in the now familiar setting. Dusk was a roof top lounge bar with a staggering view of Nairobi's skyline. Its banquet seating, tasteful but simple decor and dim lights gave it a warm, laid back feel. It was a sanctuary of sorts for those who wanted to get lost in good music and maybe, just maybe, have their spirits soothed. It didn't hurt either that the beer was fairly priced.

His eyes flickered over to Miss Three o'clock; a beautiful lady dressed up in a dark power...short skirt. She met his gaze coyly and looked away exchanging a look with her girlfriend, who in turn cast a furtive glance his way before hurriedly turning back to her friend.

Abbas went back to nursing his beer.

"Well?" Mike prompted.

"Well what?"

"What do you think of her?"

Abbas was a picture of pure nonchalance. "Nice legs."

Mike swore colourfully.

Abbas laughed. He enjoyed getting a rise out of Mike. It was so unbelievably easy.

"What's your problem?"

"I have no problem."

"Nice legs?" Mike echoed incredulously. "The best you could come up with was nice legs? She's a ten!"

"In your opinion."

"Huh?"

"She's a ten, in your opinion." Abbas explained, as he signalled for the waiter.

"Why are you deliberately trying to be an ass?" Mike scowled.

That was when Abbas saw her.

Nahla was making her way towards her band mates, acknowledging a couple of hellos from several patrons. She carried her diminutive body with such an easy grace, he still paused to stare.

Mike followed his gaze. "And there sashays in my answer."

Abbas shot him a look. "Remind me again why you're here."

Mike flashed him a crooked grin. "Because I never say no to free beer. So, are you guys like back together again?"

Abbas kept his face carefully veiled. "Something like that," he murmured.

Mike regarded him thoughtfully, letting a silence stretch out between them that was only interrupted by the band's rhythmic opening drum beats.

Nahla took her cue from the drummer and sung the tale of Love's whispered promises; the lyrics underscored by hypnotic Arabic rhythms.

"People will always disappoint you Abbas," Nahla had once whispered to him.

She held the unwavering belief that in the end, people would break her heart. He'd vowed to himself that he'd prove her wrong, convince her to stop running scared and try to fix that secret part within her that felt broken. And by God he had tried. When things were good between them, they were magical. When her fingers were not hovering over the panic switch, Nahla was compassionate, playful, clever and a solid friend.

Flash forward to one and a half years later, Abbas finally stopped; too darn tired to move. Tired of trying, tired of hoping and waiting for the day she would finally have faith in him and their relationship.

Soul weary, he'd broken it off with her. He loved her-hell, still loved her-but it was the sensible thing to do. So he walked away.

Except a month after the break up, he came to Dusk one Thursday evening to check up on her, make sure she was going to be okay. He ended up taking her home and staying the night.

"One for old time's sake," He had reassured himself.

Riiight.

And so he came. Every thursdays like clockwork.

And during that moment they were together, the underbelly of their relationship seemed to fade; shifting from dark shadows and into wisps of grey mist. And it felt oh-so good, almost as good as when they had been an item. Almost but not quite. For when dawn came round, he would always come crushing back down to earth as reality set in.
He was settling for weekly no-strings-attached romps when he wanted more. It was fun but not enough. Yet that was all she was comfortable giving...he was having trouble walking away and going cold turkey on this one...

Abbas had always been a man guided by logic. And his moderate sensibilities told him he was hooked to a feeling and needed to get it together. Fast.

"First chance I get, I'm out." He promised himself grimly, taking in her radiating presence.

Her heart rending yet hopeful chorus swirled around the awestruck crowd, gently cloaking them in the surreal.

"I'll be so gone," he thought, as her gaze took in her audience and finally-almost instinctively- her gleaming eyes rested on him. For a fleeting moment, her face softened.

His calm faltered.

And with the silent vow reverberating in his mind, Abbas reined in the feeling of disquiet within, tucked it away in a hidden place and slipped his trademark stoic face firmly back in place.

He raised his glass to her and casually smiled like it didn't hurt.

© 2011 by Jacqueline Nyambura Kariuki
June 26, 2011
11:39
"What can I say, Mea culpa?"
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

*Brushes away the dust* We're in June? And it's almost over?...

Seems like I missed May and a huge chunk of June. They marched in, happened and left, but I'm a little hazy on the details of what I was up to exactly. Today though, feels like a beautiful time out. I went to early morning mass (for the first time in months), came back home, made myself a nice, elaborate breakfast spread (I haven't done that in a long while either) and now I'm on the floor doing repeat marathon sessions of Sons of Anarchy season 3 (there's nothing new in tubeyville to watch) as I try to put this post together. I seriously needed this. The time-out I mean.

The last couple of months have been crazy busy, from work to my private life, with most of it bleh, sometimes messy, but unavoidable. And I got so caught up in the chaos of it all, I was left feeling like I was underwater; you know, like I'm closed off from the rest of the world and I have to put in a little extra oomph in order to feel like I'm moving fluidly forward.

But there was a silver lining to it.

For starters, I got to know a new colleague better. Those who know me, will raise a quizzical eyebrow at this as I seldom get chummy with new colleagues from the get-go; preferring instead to first observe and profile from a safe distance. It's usually less awkward for me this way. Anyway, she's real smart. I'm not talking about book-smarts; I'm talking about someone who takes in the world around her with a philosophical mind's eye. She's also cool, with a wicked sense of humor and a badass tv junkie. She's now gone back to our SA office and I'm already missing her terribly.

Then I made a new book bud...

A quick sidenote: My sister Vicky and I have this quirky habit of exchanging quick 'notes' back and forth. The notes are usually in the form of text messages (strictly no abbreviation of words that don't make sense or look crazy when chopped up) or e-mails about anything funny or crazy we observe, stumble across, or just pops up in our minds (and no,we're not on twitter...I have no idea why). And what makes it even more fun is we can jazz up the word play in any way we want (fyi, she can comfortably do a whole convo in Harry Potter lingo).

Most of our friends never get it. They will be like, 'But you two were together like twenty minutes ago!' Or 'Why don't you just call each other? It's faster.' And our answer is always the same; It just won't be the same.
Remember how much fun it was secretly passing notes in class? That's how it feels, and you can't get the same feeling when you simply call the other person...

Now back to my new book bud.

B not only reads more books than I do but he also has a similar soft spot for sci-fi, fantasy & YA books; savouring words with the same gusto and he's a Yoda of sorts. So we've been devouring books, shamelessly gushing about them and exchanging mad 'notes' on everything -from the profound to the fluffily fun. It has me feeling like Alice down the rabbit hole. And I love feeling like Alice because it means by the end of the day, I will have stumbled across all sorts diverse perspectives that I had either never encountered or had previously stumbled across but never took it all in. I may not always like what I see or even fully understand it, but it is still a different angle. And it is a remainder of how bigger and diverse the universe really is. That what I know is just a tiny drop in the ocean. And always will be.

That's not only humbling, but it leaves me curiouser...makes me want to stretch out my hand a little bit more...find out what more is out there...check out the inner workings...

The funny bit is, if this blog didn't exist, I'd never have met B, who was introduced to me by a regular visitor here. Guess I ought to start giving this place some more TLC...

So people, Carpe denim! (Seize the jeans!).

That's one of B's many parting shots by the way. I've already seized and put on my It's-a-beautifully-chilled-out-day-soak-it-all-in jeans and I'm loving the feel of it.

Have a blessed Sunday.

Mob wendos,

Nyambura.
April 12, 2011
13:34
"Something peevish this way comes."
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

Right now I'm so wishing I had the ability to dramatically swoop into a room like an evil cloud of black smoke or sic Tv's Damon Salvatore on some individuals...

Now that would be a lovely vision wouldn't you agree?

Yes, I've been having a couple of sucky days lately and it has me all surly. I just can't seem to get into the rhythm of things and I hate that feeling because it just slows you down when there is living to be done. Worse, I'm unable to write anything. So this week I've lined up nightly twenty minute sessions with the geeks of Big Bang Theory as therapy whilst playing the hermit. Solitude and laughter always seem to work beautiful magic on me. I sure hope it works. Speaking of which, I allow me to share with you the below; dropped in my office in-box. It definitely induced the smiles.

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What Airport gate attendants think of you and your thought process:

PASSENGER - A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a ‘line’. This line has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, and Paxus ignoramus.

PRE-BOARD - Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.

SIGN - An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed, except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

POSITION CLOSED - This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says ‘Form line here’.

BAGGAGE CLAIM - The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying ‘Baggage Claim Area’.

CARRY ON BAG - An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide-screen projection TVs.

FLIGHT SCHEDULE - An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON-TIME - An obscure term, meaning unknown.

FOG - A natural weather phenomenon that usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.

GROUP - A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL - A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.

TICKET AGENT - A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the ESP abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalyst, and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomena. They are capable of answering three questions at one time while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue.
***

All those impatiently waiting (like me) for Rango and I am number four to grace our local big screens say AYE!

Ok, back to work beautiful people.

Mob wendos,

Nyambura
March 12, 2011
11:37
"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one"
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

Today I turned 12 (margin of error=plus/minus a couple of decades or so).

Of course thy flesh is seriously disputing this. My feeling a piratey 12 that is (Flesh: Nyambura, you seriously don't expect me to do the splits without pulling something do you?!! Me: We can improvise. Where's your imagination?). But flesh & moi are going to have a talk about that later...I've come to view happiness as fleeting; a series of beautiful moments interwoven with the mundane and the suckage. So I do not chase rainbows much less make plans on what to do with the pot of gold. But I always try to savor those beautiful moments. Today, was one of those moments. My friends threw me a surprise birthday BBQ that left me touched and stunned. 90% of my friends are football nuts. There was an Arsenal-Man Utd game on this evening. Fans of both teams were present. So were the haters (read: Liverpool, Chelsea fans) who stood to gloat or groan should either team win or lose. How my gal F, (chief instigator & die hard Arsenal fan) pulled it off is still a mystery to me.
Watching this awesome gathering of family and friends made me reflect on the many years these guys have been in my life. How much 'growing up' we've done together; through moments of utter brokeness, heartbreaks, we're-feeling-rich-let's-splurge moments and passionate Superman vs. Batman debates (btw, Batman is cooler but Gambit rocks!). I thought of those I used to call friends once upon a time but as time passed by, we drifted or out grew each other. Now I'm just casual acquaintances on face book with a few while the rest simply fell off the grid. And then there was a time when this gathering would have been a fantasy. This was the time I went through the angst-y phase in High school; forms three & four to be precise. Not a fun phase, beautiful people. It is A LOT of work and saps your positive vibe faster than a dementor on the war path, plus people tend to avoid you because they fear you will just bring them down...

It bothers me how easy it is to get caught up in the everyday...the pursuit of the good life...the quest to realize our dreams. We slip into gripping & wallowing when the not-quite and the not-yet makes up a huge chunk of our lives. And before you know it, the magic of family and friends; the magic that lights us up from the inside, gets a little dimmer and starts to flicker. We get too busy to pause and revel in the tender, fun, even silly moments peppered lovingly in our lives. After all, such 'mushy' stuff seems trivial doesn't it? It won't pay the bills or buy us that dream house. We take it for granted that these moments will always be there...till the day we wake up one morning and find them gone...life happened...
So I pray for good health, some more growing up with the merry bunch and the prudence to appreciate how they always leave me all grins.

Mob wendos,

Nyambura
February 11, 2011
14:13
"The one where I get arrested."
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

A 10th February entry (retrieved from the cutting room floor):

"I should have prayed this morning."
Those were my thoughts as we were ushered into the dimly lit holding cells at the High court. I had rolled off bed after hitting the snooze button five times and thought of how I was running late hence had no time for an elaborate morning prayer. I better start from the beginning...

We were stuck in traffic this morning at around 0720 hrs right next to car & general in industrial area. I was reading Heck: where the bad kids go and didn't notice the traffic cop approaching the mat. No other passenger seemed to notice him either. And if they did, they must have assumed he was on a routine check of the driver's documents. The cop talked briefly to the driver then walked round, opened the door and took the kange's seat. That's when it hit me that it had been a long while since I had last seen the kange.

"Peleka Gari Industrial area," the cop ordered.

The guy seated next to him requested we alight so we can get another mat.
"Mushuke mwende wapi na nyinyi pia ni mabusu. Mumevaa mshipi?"
And so we were all driven into the cop station -a stone's throw away from Car & General- where five uniformed officers -two gents and three ladies-were waiting for us. Oddly enough, I was not ruffled. A little irritated, but unfazed even as they herded us into a shabby looking office that looked more like a changing room; with uniforms hanging from hooks on the walls. I figured worst case scenario, they'd keep us waiting and let us go with a warning or ask for a bribe. The fact that they had not taken any of our personal effects was also comforting.
"With those women out there we're going to be here a while; waona vile wameshiba? Have a seat and relax," A handsome guy with a blinged cheeky smile informed me from the bench he sat on. He had been in our mat. I later found out his name is Em. And he'd been there before. Twice.

"What happens now?" I asked, as I sat next to him.
"Those women will insist we be taken to court," Em explained.
"Makadara?" asked the guy seated on his right. He was young, probably age mates with Em and dressed for the office (no blazer or tie). He later introduced himself to me as K.

"No idea. I've never been taken to court."
The door was padlocked from the outside and was opened a total of four times.
The first time was to bring in the second -and huuuge- assorted bunch of traffic law offenders; from matatu crews to other passengers who had also not bothered with the seat belt.
The second time, one of the female officers walked in to take the names of all those who had not worn seat belts. Most of the matatu crews seemed to know her for they crowded around her, some tried to sweet talk her into going easy on them. She handled them with the exasperated patience of a mother with unruly kids.
The third time, was to summon Em. Apparently he knew the OCS, the lucky bugger. He flashed us a smile and left. For the first time in my life, I truly understood the power of having friends in high places. I was so envious of the extra spring to his step; my insides churned green as I wished wish we could trade places if only for that one day. K scooted over, "You were going to school?" he asked.
"Work."
"Oh."
I get that a lot. It's the converse sneakers & jeans look. People find it hard to associate it with an office. My cross body book bag doesn't help matters. We casually talked about our work places and traded stories of hilarious tales of friends who had had minor scrapes with the law; from being drunk, disorderly & disturbing public peace, to refusing to pay bus fares. And how it was going to be their turn to laugh at us. K was a cool guy. Easy to talk to and smiled with his eyes. A few minutes to Nine, the door opened for a fourth time. We were ordered out and bundled into an ancient matatu that nearly tipped over when it took on the Nyayo round about...
*Sights and sounds*
My holding cell mates were an interesting assortment of people:
There was C: We had been arrested together. She was a pint-sized young lady. Cute with doe-like eyes that made me want to hug her and tell her it was not so bad. She was scared, but not losing it.
S: She'd also been at industrial area. She was a simple lady, philosophical when I talked to her and she had a quiet strength that I liked. She was to become my holding hands partner later on.
Mama Kanjo: Not her name but she told me she worked for city council as she sat down next to me. She was matronly and chatty. Talked with her hands, constantly touching my arm as if to emphasize a point. She had been arrested in Pangani also for not wearing a seat belt. Next to mama kanjo was a slender, gorgeous lady in a trouser suit. The only time she spoke was to tell us -after mama kanjo asked her- that she had been arrested because some money went missing at her workplace. What amazed me was that she didn't look worried at all...
A lady in a short denim skirt stood by the door constantly talking on phone. I christened her Petunia. She was loud and a touch neurotic. On the bench across from me, was a serious looking woman I called Umbridge. She looked peeved and stiff the entire time we were there. Not even once did she relax or smile. Next to her was a lady with braids who had been arrested together with mama kanjo; happy lady with a loud hearty laugh and also a pregnant lady who had been arrested in milimani for abusing a cop.
I sent a text to R. "I'm in a holding cell @ high court. Didn't wear a seatbelt...cool cell mates."
R immediately called back. "You're such an ass for letting me know now. You ok?"
I grinned. He'd said ass in Kyuk. And no, he hadn't referred to the donkey. "I'm good."
"They'll fine you 1k max. You have that on you?"
"Yep."
"Cool. I'm on my way." He clicked off.
Mama Kanjo was hilarious and kept us entertained. We didn't even notice time go by till a cop opened the door some minutes to 11a.m and told us to step out. The guys were already out in the hallway lined up. We lined up infront of them and paired up. After being briefed on how to behave when court was in session, we were ordered to hold hands then trekked up the stairs towards traffic court n.o 7. People stopped to stare and I didn't blame them. We were an odd mix of a hundred or so people, in pairs and holding hands. Once inside the court room, we waited quietly (with cell phones swtiched off) for an hour before the magistrate finally arrived...
*Court room lessons*
With no distractions, the waiting drove me nuts. It gave me too much time to brood. Made me restless as I thought of all the things I could be doing till a voice in my head pointed out that I'd be seated at my office desk drinking mud like coffee as I mumbled at the computer screen. Once in session, I got insight into the downside of matatu business. And it's not for the faint-hearted. I witnessed the extent at which a mat owner can get burned. Case in point; there was a nissan mat owner who had five of his mats impounded. Reason? they were operating with defective parts (how a cop can pull over a vehicle & be able to tell it has defective parts puzzled me). The fine? 7k to the driver for driving a defective vehicle and 7k to the owner for allowing a defective car to operate. If it's a bus, the driver and the owner are fined 15 k each. Citi hoppa had a total of 12 buses impounded for having defective parts. And oh, for using the wrong route, there was a nissan driver fined a whooping 20k. The figures made me wince. Personal car drivers were not spared either and their offences varied; from driving with a mutilated driving license, jumping traffic lights to obstruction.
Important fact to note: The prosecutor is nothing like the one on Be the judge. The guy mumbled like he wasn't sure of what he was reading. I couldn't understand half of the stuff he was saying (the magistrate & court clerk seemed to have no trouble though). Worse, he kept picking his nose everytime he spoke. And constantly dozed off as the court clerk droned on!
By 2 pm, the session was over. I caught a peek of R waving at me and grinning like crazy from the open doorway. He enjoyed this way more than was legal. Now we had to wait for the cashiers to come in and wait some more for our names to be called up to pay the fine. I kept thinking I need an iced coffee badly. That and a cold shower. It would have been a long wait too had R not talked to the court clerk. I don't know what he told her (he knows her; long story), 'coz she called my name and asked for the fine before disappearing into an office outside. A few minutes later, she was back with the receipt. And just like that, I was finally free to go. I said by goodbyes to K, S and C and quickly left the court room.
"Outlaw," R teased with a smile.
"And sooo not Sons of Anarchy."
"Tell me about it."
***
February 03, 2011
14:27
"60 shots o' rum with Nyambura..."
» ‎ Nyambura's Diary

Shiko-Msa & Cold Turkey have been wondering what's up with the non-writing...

Lately, I've been in a dither about what to write. You see, the little voices vacationed in Shiko's area code over the holiday season. While gallivanting there, they indulged in a few (note 'a few' is loosely used here) colorful sippy sippys, you know; the ones with the little umbrellas. And before they could say "Mombasa raha!" they all went toooooooes up...

We've just stepped into February and them voices are still struggling to get rid of the haze. Shiko (God bless you girl) has been kind enough to give them a spot o' hair of the dog-disguised as a fun tag. [shikomsa.com]

So ladies and gents, I present to you 60 seconds (ahem: minutes) with Nyambura:

What did you want to be when you were growing up?
I wanted to be Slash. Then I realized there could only be one Slash so i moved on to wanting to be a teacher. And yes, I stole the classroom chalk, wrote on bedroom walls and bullied the younger siblings into being my pupils. Then one day I watched these totally cool female Taiko drummers on Japan video topics (on KBC once upon a time) and realized I had to be a drummer...

Fast forward to many many years later...

I still worship the Slash. And kids have fortunately been spared the trauma that comes with being taught by yours truly. However, I do drum. In my day dreams that is. And In that oh-so beautiful jam session, I'm Carter Beauford. (Go to You tube and check out DMB's live concerts vids. You'll truly understand why I'm floored by this guy)

What's the best piece of advice you have ever been given?
"...Have they chopped off your hands? Have they fried your brains? No? Good. Now get up and go back to the drawing board..."

What's the best piece of advice you ever gave?
Best? Sadly I have no inner Sensei or Yoda to unleash on people...

What do you most enjoy about your job?
I could say that it has exposed me to the physical beauty of Kenya...there is that. And it's a beauty so wild, majestic & staggering, you want to get lost in it. But what always bowls me over, are the diverse, fascinating people I've met...their stories...their passions...

Who would you most like to have dinner with?
I can throw a dinner party yes? Cool. Now here be the guest list.

-Slash (don't get me started on him 'coz I could go on all day)
-Bill Cosby (Just the sight of him has me busting a gut)
-Vladimir Putin (Is it just me, or does the guy seem like the sort that eats and sleeps in a state of hostility? I want to see him in relax mode...maybe even pick his brain...)
-Hugh Jackman *swooooon*
-Cap'n Jack (yes, THAT one)
-Bernie Stinson (His 3 day waiting rule-coz Jesus waited 3 days to resurrect-among other theories ought to be fun dinner table convo; especially taking into account who's in attendance)
-Keith Richards (Now here is a guy who knows how to create his own excitement-healthy or not. And i've always been most curious about that fallin-out-of-the-tree Fiji incident...)
-Shonda Rhimes (For creating the world of Grey's)
-Oprah (she'll get everyone-including Putin-talking and in line)
-Jon Stewart (He of the biting wit and the briilliant rally to restore sanity)

What has been your most embarrassing moment?
I'd tell you but...well...you know...*wink*

Who is the most important person in your life?
There are several someones. Family and a few friends who keep me laughing and grounded...

What's your worst regret in life?
There was a time I used to wish I had applied myself more in high school; from academics to the extra curricular stuff. Here's the funny thing about regrets though; I'll start feeling bad, wishing it hadn't happened or that it shouldn't have happened THAT WAY but then I've got the flip side. And the flipside throws me into this totally different path that turns out to be a huuuge blessing...

Who is your role model?
Hmmmm...I don't have just one; there is my mum, whose strength I strive to have...

And there's Gabbz. He's been my bud & neighbour since high school. He's got amazing self discipline and a beautiful faith in people. For an awesome guy, he's pretty humble too...

If you could be one person for a day, who would that be?

Sydney Bristow. I get to be a double agent, kick serious ass while rocking crazy wigs and still get home in time to chillout with my loved ones. Plus, I could always bribe the screen writer if need be...

And guys, Salt may be hot looking, but in a fight, Sydney would wipe the floor with her. HA!

Mob wendos,

Nyambura
December 24, 2010
12:39
Faves of 2010
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CLICK!

That's me exiting Microsoft outlook with flourish. Work's done, and i don't have to think about it till 28th Dec. X-mas is here people, and I can fiiiiiinally shoo away the year.

If I can summarize 2010 in one sentence I'd call it the year of "Nilikuwa tu,"

You know; not bad, not wow with lots of chunky, real sucky bits in between that made me want to huddle in a corner, retreating within...if only for a little while...just so i could count to ten and breathe...BUT holiday cheer has me all giddy, so what you say we let the sucky bits be bygones and rehash the fun bits of 2010 instead?

Fave reads of 2010: Jellicoe road by Melina Marchetta.True, it's not a book that came out this year. In fact, it's been around for a few years now. But I was unable to get my hands on a copy till now (let's hear it for the go-to guys. Again). And peeps, it was worth the wait;

This book stole my heart from the get go:

"...And then a kid called Fitz came riding by on a stolen bike and saved our lives.
Someone asked us later, "Didn't you wonder why no one came across you sooner?"
Did i wonder?
When you see your parents zipped up in black body bags on the Jellicoe Road like they're some kind of garbage, don't you know?
Wonder dies."
It's a hauntingly enthralling story that gently swirls around you, pulling you in and before you know it, your background's faded...

Fave read # 2 goes to Johnny & the dead by Terry Pratchett followed by The year of secret assignments by Jaclyn Moriarty (fyi, not new books either) for making me laugh out loud in mat rides which in turn had people giving me the raised eyebrows.

Tv shows I enjoyed immensely in 2010: Hands down it has to be Vampire diaries season 2. Mystic fall's queen of mambo bad came back to town and started wreaking havoc. Did the other characters keel over from fright? Naaah, they dug in their heels and anted up their awesome badassness. Even *gasp* the once-upon-a-time annoying Caroline...and the cool bit is, we're only halfway into the season *sweeeet!*.
2nd place honors goes to my fave bikers in Sons of Anarchy season 3 and the n.o 3 spot goes to Boardwalk Empire season 1. Don't you all love Al Capone in this show? I do.
Fave songs of 2010: It has to be 'Love the way you lie' by Eminem & Rihanna. It was so beautifully heart rending, the dark and twisties within me howled. And giving 'love the way you lie' a run for its money was Kidum & Lady Jay D's soulful "Nitafanya"...
A minute please as we indulge in a moment of the profound:
Leader who made a huge impression in 2010: That's Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, the Brazillian president. The Daily Nation did a piece on him when he visited Kenya and Time magazine honored him. For me, 2010 was a year where Kenyan leaders had me all jaded -so much so i watched the local news on mute. Power play and ridiculously protecting their own was all they ever seemed to do, so when i read about this guy, I was amazed. This is a leader who is improving the quality of life of the Brazillian mwanainchi by ensuring that quality health care, education, food, clean water are accessible to all. That's the dream president I wish we had.
Now back to holiday cheer inspired zaniness.
Fave movie of 2010: Inception, Inception, beautiful people: I'd call watching this movie a beautifully heady experience, except that doesn't quite do it justice. So picture your fave drink; it could be an iced cappuccino brewed just right, or a beautifully chilled beer maybe even an ice cold coke, on a sunny day. Now picture it being IVed into your brain....feel that ka-mental rush kick in...your brain's demanding that you DON'T blink isn't it? That's what Inception did for me. And don't even get me started on THAT bloody spinning top...
N.o 2 was Harry Potter & the deathly Hallows pt 1. The wizard fights were so fast and bad ass, they made me wish i had a wand to zap me some death eaters. And oh, you ever noticed how oh so fun it is to watch a movie in a theater full of kids? Kids don't eye roll or make unsolicited snarky comments.What's even cooler, they know how to get into the spirit of things...no dream is too far out for them. Shutter Island and Tangled came in at 3rd & 4th place respectively...

Fave Movie Trailer of 2010: Pirates of the Caribbean: On stranger tides...the movie debuts next year, but it's trailer which came out a few weeks back, just floored me. Aye, Capt. Jack Sparrow always brings out the fan girl in me. And no, I'm not ashamed of it. But aside from Jack being his ridiculously hilarious self, Black Beard (fiiinally) makes an appearance and I'm betting my payslip that he'll make Barbossa seem like an altar boy. I mean, this is Black Beard; if you're into pirate history, you know how wrong the guy was. What's even more super awesome, the character of Black beard is been played by one Ian McShane aka Al Swearegen, Now let me hear an Arrrrgh!!!!

***Quote of the day: "The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk.
This drunkenness culminates on New year's eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to" P.J O' Rourke

Here's to an awesome 2011, peeps.

Mob wendos,

Nyambura

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