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Where Beauty Lies

May 04, 2012
17:40
downhill
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

its been a depressing year, i swear, from one bad thing to the next and it doesn't get better. it just keeps climbing gradually to an eventual downpour...heavy one like today's. there are bad years and there are BAD years! this is one of those BAD years! anyhow its been raining this afternoon, cramps is killing me, i am staring at my PC totally unable to do anything constructive because staring at it for too long just gets my head throbbing like a thousand nails or insects are gnawing into the very core of my brain cells. i have a project to do that could cost me quite a lot when i am done with it however... i botched it up by misunderstanding the instructions meaning i have to REDO it...and in a week which is hardly possible unless i am some super hero... i am thinking of ways not to 'panic' so i can sort it but i am so unable to right now with cramps clawing away at my sanity. i like the fact that it rained, but i do feel like i am losing the fight. i am not fighting anymore. God tells me he is fighting for me and that's all i need to believe now because Life is a big blur of confusion and problems and there is no tangible way out.i wish i were a kid again, no problems, no deadlines, no debts, no messed up relationships or pain or nothing...simply the worry of not being fed, not doing homework and your best friend ditching you because you refused to give them a pencil... anyhow now that i am way grown up i guess i have to face my mountains only that to God i am still a child , so ama hide behind him and tell him to face all the issues in my life right now, seeing i am too cowardly to climb up NSSF building to he 7th floor and jump!
March 29, 2012
18:04
cloudy with some rain...
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

i should have paid attention to the weather forecast alot more.
Gramps loved to read horoscopes, play crosswords and over the newspaper ask what the weatherforecast was as he rocked back and forth gently in his rocking chair on the veranda.
sometimes he sounded zanny when he would look up from his half eaten salad, his mouth all crinkled with age, his fingers once dainty plagued with coming of age athritis, 'phoebe, there is going to be some rain....'
' his rheumy eyes would set their beaded gaze on to me in a matter of fact way and i would laugh, 'come on dad, its only a few clouds, there is still alot of sun and remember what the weatherforecast said today, sunny with scatter clouds'
he would take a long deliberate look at me and revert his gaze to the paper in his hand,'i warned you,'
there was never any rain that time.
it was as dry as the sahara
but day after day after day as i hang the washing on the line, i would hear his old voice ring out , 'phoebe, be fast out there, the clothes will get wet, there is going to be some rain,'

i would laugh out and call, ' i heard you dad, i heard you.'
i thought his 80 years was playing on him.
daddy loved rain. no he wasnt my daddy but technically ever since my husband, his son passed on. we had grown so close. i never remaaried. i saw alot of my husband in this kind old man with crazy stories of the first locomotive in his region, the education system then and being a brilliant pupil. i could not rival his oral english. he was a gem. but one thing e never talked about was his wife who passed on whilst giving birth to my dead husband. daddy Gramps never remarried. he would have once, but he never did. he was a handsome young man and when he returned to the country from overseas where he worked in high offcies in Addis Ababa and some place in England, he was young, dashing,. well learned and the hearthrob of so many girls but he picked Mama Peaches. he loved to call her that becasue she wore a fragrance he told us smelled of the freshest peaches he could recall eating in the spring of 1947 whilst in the United states in school. i never knew Mama Peaches but i saw the pictures and a few love letters whilst cleaning up his cupboard one day.when i brought it up at dinner once, he seemed upset and i realsied it was a topic i could not deal with.
i left it alone.
we never talked about Mama Peaches for the twenty five yerars i knew Daddy Gramps
but lately his obsession with weather was making me smile.... i never looked into it much.
not much until the day i found him in bed the next morning unable to move. he had called out to me, 'its raining! phoebe! it is raining!'i rushed from the kitchen hearing him gasp and whizz. the doctor had warned that with his age and failing health i had to be prepared foranything
'daddy gramps!' i screamed more out of fear of losing him.
' i was at his bed side,' trying to plump up the pillow when i noticed his bed was dump, wet. his pillow was dripping lightly and on the floor a puddle started to gather.
i stood back in shock. i quickly scanned the roof, was it leaking? it wasn't.
'daddy gramps, what..what is going on , i asked puzzled. his bed was wet, down to his body that was cold and clammy,' i need to get you out of here, its so wet. what happened!,'
'i told you,' he whizzed, 'its going to rain,'
'not in here daddy gramps,' i said hastily, 'not in here. i started to lift his frail body out of the bed. he waved me off.
'leave me Phoebe,'
'but daddy gramps...'
i started
'no phoebe,' he was firm even in a feeble way,'i told you it was cloudy and that it would rain,'
my panic melted to an eerie fear. what was going on?
'i dont understand daddy gramps. you need to get out of that wet bed, i dont know how it got wet first of all...'
then he mentioned her name, 'peaches, Phoebe, its almost time.'
our eyes locked for a brief moment. i searched his and a terrible fear clothed my own soul like a dark cloak
'no!' i jumped up from the couch in his room and made a lung for the bed, 'no daddy gramps,' something about his look told me he was ready...but i was not ready
'please Phoebe,' he begged me
'its been cloudy too long. i needed it to rain,' he whipsered
the tears welled up from my soul and i buried my head in his frail chest and cried, 'not yet daddy gramps, you never told me anything about her, you never told me anything. not now. we still have a few more years...'
i could feel his hands pat my head lightly,'Phoebe, remember the box in my cupboard? read everything there. you will know everything, '
'please...' i begged
'i have to go now, Phoebe, thank you,' he whispered.
Daddy Gramps died that saturday morning in a wet bed with my head on his chest.
i wept like a five year old who has losrt her favourite toy. his birthday was only a week away, next friday. i had been plannig a secret surprise. i had learned a new recipe and i was getting his favourite roast chicken and mushrooms and soup. now he was gone. just like that
in a dripping wet bed.
after several hours i called my aunt and a few relatives. i told them what happened. i also called his doctor. i went out to his study as people started to file in, one by one. i ddi not want to see anyone or his body. i locked myself in his study and went to the cupboard. indeed all the letters where there and a dairy.
i picked it and flipped through, a paper slipped out. it was folded and it looked very old, browning with age and abit too thin. it was adressed to me.shocked,i opened it and the heading had a date 1948, 'dear phoebe, i know some day you will have to read thisshe was dashing in the rain. wet to her ankles from runnig off it to the pavement,she caught my eye and a palyful smile touched her eyes as she brushed past me at the bus station. i caught a faint whiff of her perfume and breathed in deeply...peaches. she smelled amazingly of peaches. i turned round inspite of me. i never took a second glance at any woman, but i did for miss... i donno-who- who- smelled- of -peaches' she was laughing with her friends. the rain was bad and it got worse. we were forced to back up to the pavement as we waited for the buses. there was no use moving, i went back to the restaurant and sat in the corner i ghad sat. my dad had told me it was cloudy and it would rain soon but i needded to go out today. meet George.... and i guess it was my day to meet Peaches. she took my breathe away. her smile, her wide eyes, her flawless chocolate skin, her teeth...her peachy perfume. its funny people say love at first sight is a dream but i was madly and deeply in love with the stranger who smelled of peaches,' she walked in with her friends, removed her raincoat, her coiffed hair still in place , they sat three tables ahead of me, her chair faced me and our eyes locekd again. she was laughing at something someone said.' after thirty minutes i could not help it. i went over and paid for their tea. i told her...very ungentlemanly that i wanted to meet her if it was possible. i did not know how else to do it. she played the mouse and baited me abit. i lvoed the game. but she did not turn down my offer for lunch. after lunch, it was a movie, then a walk in the park, then a ride in my new car, after that, we met every sunday. had lunch at each others homes. met the families. we both loved it when it rained. it rained alot that month we courted. we were married the next month. the priest screamed out the vows in pouring rain. our honeymoon was a blissful cold one. we snuggled under the covers for two weeks, wile it drizzled outside. rain became us,. we became it. it rained when she got pregnant. i was over joyed and then the day of the miscarriage...it rained too and i hated the rain then becasue it represented nothnig but pain. we got over that cloudy period. i supported her. and we enjoyed each other for three more years and tried again. the day she said she told me she was pregnant, i was scared and excited. we both where. daddy had said the night before while we were at my parents home that the weather forecast was going to be cloudy. it had been quite warm lately. warm inside for us as well and now the bliss of a cool breeze seemed welcoming. i dont know what was with daddy and the weather.he simply said the stars had a lot to do wtih it. superstitious old man i say. the clouds gathered through the months, slight drizzles and while i was excited. a heavy dark cloud hang over me. i was not sure what wuodl happen, but month after month, peaches blossomed and i saw our baby kick at times. by the eighth month, i was sure, nothing would go wrong. the day her water broke, it was raining. the car broek down and i cursed it. i had to call george to take us to hospital but when we got there, dude to unseen complications Peaches died but not wwithout seeing our son Edward. his birth was a miracle. i cired like my life was voer. my heart broke then and i have never recovered.' in Edward, i saw Peaches. she was everything, his smile, his eyes, his playful teasing. she lived in him. i did not think he would meet a lovely girl like phooebe and only years later succumb to cancer and die. my peaches and my son were dead and i am glad Phoebe stayed. she was the embodiment of my past and present.but i started to watch the stars like daddy. maybe he had seen something i had not. maybe the seasons were a telling of our lives. i dont know how.maybe. maybe...then i found out something at my father's death. something that changed everything and it is what i am passing on to you,phoebe. my father was not obssessed with stars and weather parterns for nothing.my father had, while as a child found out the secret in his lineage. way back before his great grand father was born, his ancestors discovered an object, small and smooth like a stone. they did not know how but from the day they retrieved it. it rained. then they found that it glowed faintly at times. they did not know how but it seemed to affect weather and the lives of those that had it. it reduced age. it helped you relieve some days in your life at your death.one of my ancestors died young only to return and say he had gone back to his child hood and it was so real. they worshipped the stone and we kept it as a family secret. when it was passed on to me, my father could not wait to go back in his own time to his youth and enjoy some wild hay days. it depended on how much you thought about that particular time of your life. thats what my father said. i would like to believe we never died but continued living in another time, relieving our past. Mama Peaches was all i could think of for years, she was always on my mind. her perfume has been with us all the time. i needed to go back. the stone started to glow a year ago and i could tell that the time was fast apporaching and i started to watch the clouds, the sky, the weather update was always wrong. i knew it would rain. i knew it and i could feel it when i looked at the stone. my time has come Phoebe and now i pass this gift to you. i know you miss Edward. i do too but its your chance for happiness. i may not be here to watch you enjoy your moment with him but i do hope that you shall leave this precious stone with a worthy person or bury it behind the house for someone to find who the stone will choose to bestow upon the gift of second chance. this secret has blest my family. may it bless you for you are and have been my only family. much love daddy Gramps.
p.s when you find this letter it will have rained on me. but i wrote it along time ago, at that bus stop when it rained,. i worte this at the cafe for you, right beofre i went to meet Peaches at her table. i hope you understand.bye bye.'
i sat there for the lnogest time, oblivios of everything, of sound of life of anything.i had to let the contents of the letter sink it because i didnot understand what it meant. weird fables? but who could explain the water drenched bed, i could not. this seemed the only plausible explanatino, 'it rained on him,' i got up from the stool still shaken and stared out the window. the clouds were gathering fast. my forwn deepnd. the letter date was 1948, had he written it before he died, while he died...it was all tooo confusing. maybe it was her time to find out for herself. maybe it was.
wth alot on my mind i jonied the people filing in, friends and a few of my own family members. the doctor laboured to tell me daddy gramps had died in his sleep but i knew better and what's more...his bed was as dry as a bone. the stone could be the only explanation. i did not know how but it had to be something with reversal of time or when it rained on him he was already in 1948. i dont know. like i said i shall find out. or i already did.
well, i did.
the day we buried daddy Gramps. it rained , it rained so hard but i knew it rained only on me. i had been waiting for it. i was back there in 1973 at my own father's funeral. the clouds were gathering fast and everyone was pulling up an umbrella. i knew then what i should have known along time ago only that along time and ago and now seemed to have reconciled past and present lay before me. i caressed the stone in my pocket, closed my eyes as the rain came down in heavy pelts. i ddid not want to go back. i wanted to stay here becasue the next day at the cafeteria was when i met Edward.
February 27, 2012
18:25
venting
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

when all i want to do is wave my fist heaven wards and vent... i hold back and write it out, amidst torrents of tears or just a numb mechanic slow locomotive way. it works and i am spent but this time round i am prolly holding back more than i can say and i dont know how to write it out but ..
anyhow, l learned that negative energy, emotion and all that is anything but delight giving is destructive and at times its all you get in life and you die and no one understands why...
i met a few people, who talked about something i understood so deeply words alone could not describe it from me to them what it was i wanted them to understand, all they felt was the pain caused by what and who had hurt them. i didnt want to defend the action but i wanted them to know i fully understand how it happened and not fully why but at least, knowing how and what it is is a step to healing. but i noticed they chose the easier path, the vindictive path...to make it right, to get some satisfaction and it wasn't helping and no one was letting up. i understood why they decided to do the revenge thing, ' revenge being served cold is truly an awesome dish...then what?
so iam venting like i said or am i?
why does all theses bad stuff happen to unsuspecting innocent people who dont know they are being played with?
February 15, 2012
14:57
men, men, men!
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

i know its been forever since last i blogged but that is because the heat kept me in a permanent state of lethargy, so much, my brains were fried under the glaring stare of an angry blazing star- that golden orb called 'sun'and much more...
however the year started off on a low like all years really, letting go of this and that, getting over the other etc...
and my final resolution has come down to ..enjoy somethings in life as they come...
okay..will finish another day
December 08, 2011
10:13
86400 seconds in a day...
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

lately ihave been thinknig alot about life, about the things we take for granted, the way we dont do what we should, the way we misuse our time and efforts and life. and we never know time has slipped by untill we are dying....or worse...(what could be worse) so i ripped this off Paulo Coelho's blog and i am hopping it makes you think as hard as it did me....

The five regrets
by PAULO COELHO

(One of my friends here sent me a link while commenting on “Insult the dead”. I checked it and I stumbled upon a very interesting text by Bonnie Ware. Below a resumée: )

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
December 02, 2011
6:16
between dreaming and waking
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

It’s that witching hour again, that half-light hour when everything creative comes alive before its robbed of life by full light
It’s about 6:12am according to my wrist watch but really actual time is 6.02am and I do get confused about the time and not being sure if my wrist watch or the wall clock is correct…
It’s early and I haven’t been up early in a while just to sit and muse on things. If I am up early its to dash to the bathroom and get reading for something I have to do on telly at 7am or earlier. If I am not early then I am up at 10am or so when the house is alive and buzzing with life and I have no time for me.
Time for me
The right phrase.
It’s been so long since I really did have time for me, time to get up walk out on the front porch ,sit and think or pray inwardly or just recollect and energize myself for the day. It’s been so long
So friggin’ long, it’s only now writing that I can tell …the echo and beckon in my soul for some time…kills me
Just talked to my boyfriend a couple of hours earlier and he was aghast I was still up. (Well watched three movies back to back) and threatened me lovingly to go to bed or else…I was glad he called, earlier than the anticipated time too.
Boyfriend…
Hmmm
Funny I should call him that…when we haven’t yet physically met for 5 months, we both have played detective on each other, fought and cried and almost broke up but had our laughs too. I can’t say if we don’t trust each other for all that distance does to us but one thing we both enjoy is the way we gasp when the phone rings, the way we can’t hang up even after being on the phone for hours, the way we break our promises to not call each other when we think we have had enough of each other and guess what? We are right back at it. The way we tease and laugh at each other and share every moment of each day with each other as if the other was here or there.
Boyfriend
Sounds like a heavy word, one I never use, but to cater for the warmth he brings into my life with all the loopholes we have in this somewhat ‘virtual relationship,’ I am willing to jump ship and go on a mad dive in an ocean filled with sharks and call him ‘boyfriend,’
Speaking of…
The past few months and weeks have been weird…emotionally strung out, spiritually lifted one moment then…all hell seemed to break loose and…
I will confess I haven’t actually been to church in two weeks.
Somehow I wasn’t feeling it. For no apparent reason.
No , not exactly true.
Something happened to me somewhere in those past five months and I seemed to lose direction, seemed to suddenly slip into depression and anxiety and a whole lot more I personally could not explain .waking up was hard…really hard.
Some days all I wanted to do was sleep all day. Literally!
Other days I was moody and out of sorts and couldn’t stand anyone not even myself.
My dreams were muddled and fuzzy. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on. My jobs, everything I did or tried to do…seemed hopeless and I didn’t want to do it anymore. Slowly a heavy cloud just seemed to hover over me glide down, hang there and…it only rained on me…while everyone else basked in the glorious sunlight of living… I buried myself in something else…
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing
Because suddenly I felt like someone came in and took my everything away, my creativity, my dreams, my heart, my life. I felt immobile, stagnated…useless. My mind could not for the life of me fixate on anything.
So I face-booked and took coffee.
Even on my last dime.
I made my way to a coffee shop for coffee. It seemed to provide some small comfort. And my friends…
I kept away…I don’t know why...but somehow I didn’t feel anyone would truly understand what I was struggling with. The fight to regain me and chase whoever it was that possessed me then.
Then the bad dreams…the heavy feeling, the weird sensations…
And I knew it was beyond me…this was spiritual. I didn’t understand why after so many years this was happening all over again.
Met my cousin on a Sunday after in I missed church and she told me one thing, ‘pray’
I knew what she meant. She was concerned and could tell something was wrong. The realization brought on the full monty. Depression heightened, lost vision increased, tripled in fact, and the lost-for- life’s-luster just catapulted to another level…
All I wanted to do was die. What was life worth for if I couldn’t dream or write or be me? I kept telling myself.
So I tried one more time and talked to God...told him I needed him to help me out because life was passing me by and I hated how I felt….
I woke up yesterday different…it’s actually been getting better since I prayed. I didn’t say much… I simply let Him Know I needed help. I just needed all this to go away and I needed to be me again, focused, pursuing my dreams, writing again, loving my jobs again. I needed to be me again…
And today…I felt alive… I did things I had postponed for two weeks…
And my heart has been craving for a book. I had one actually…I couldn’t make much sense of it before but clearer head now… I want it so bad…
So its Friday already and at the close of the last movie, I picked up a book that I had read along while ago on dreams, following them, being a dream catcher… flipped through, read a bit and the old nostalgia of me sprung up…me that needed time to go away, alone time to think things through, put them into perspective and brew them then spew them out on a blog or my journal…the old familiar feeling that it was going to be okay was back
My mind was rummaging furiously through the rubble that is, my mind, picking here and there…
Conversations,
Feelings,
Reactions,
Struggles,
The battle within…
And something else came to mind…
Questions
About me, life, people
When I battled my phase of indifference and lack of life luster….i knew no one would understand it…I tried.. and realized no one but God could understand it. The advice varied, ‘pray,’ ‘fight on,’ ‘don’t wallow,’ but no one really reached out deep enough to try and understand the mesh I was caught up in. it wasn’t my own doing, I wanted out, I just couldn’t get out.
I couldn’t blame them. It was deeper than understanding understanding (or maybe not). It was my need for a spiritual experience, a deeper connection… a need to meet with someone that understood deeply without so much as a whole narration of my ordeals to simply put a finger to my ranting lips and say, ‘I understand,’ in a profound way.
Just when I figured who that could be… the clouds started to part…
The book gave me insight too, reminded me why I still needed to live. Why I was important and why mistakes were a part of life and why it could not all be perfect.
I am not sure if I was depressed because life seemed so imperfect, and dreams had so many valley points or that pain and twists and turns in the journey could be so unplanned so totally out of my strict schedule or if it was all one big spiritual battle with God telling me he wanted to come through for me…better still both.
But I do know one led to the other. Now I know that. But as I look at this book and flip through. (I intend on reading it again) I know now, it’s all not easy, the things you love and attaining the mountain height. It all comes with a little pain, a little struggle, a little war and even disillusionment but when you have Jesus on your side, he comes through, he always does.
My life lessons in the past few months…people are not perfect, but love is. Be more accepting. Be more forgiving of you mostly…be less rigid…life can be a joke too, depends on how you look at it.
Enjoy the ride, it is actually fun…that way it’s easy to shake off the disappointments and pain…and above all forward movement….
A friend told me something I decided to take on seriously, ‘sometimes when you want something or you are into something, it’s important to first find out how you feel, block off what everyone else thinks or feels and find within you your answer…that’s the most important step,’ I am doing that too.
Is it giving me peace? Yes, and helping me handle my situations better. Less impulsively
November 27, 2011
9:17
qns for heaven
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

why is it that when we want something so bad....it just doesnt come like you hopped it would? or do happily ever afters and the best things in life are just fairy tales but i thought fairy tales mirrored our lives? or was i wrong? hmmm still trying to find out for sure.
November 18, 2011
11:56
haitus...reasons
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

trust me i have never taken this long a break from blogging...but life was up in the air and my soul parched of anything substantial to write about....life has been a swing, a pendulum widly cast in the wind and for the first time its been hard to say' i am in control' even when i wanted to be.

oh so badly.
my heart and head locked in a vicious battle of control took over ...for months
and i must admit, heart is gaining ground...lets see how it goes the next few weeks or months..

erractic, crazy but i think i want to go this way, this free fall into the unknown depth of heart...scary becoz i kow what its like....but heck why not try it..get in wholly, get hurt wholly(if it happens) or not and live to tell the tale....
dreamy eyed, i tell oyu
now i understand the poem, 'romance'
feels like it...
September 11, 2011
15:05
i could have been more christian ....
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

while doing my gospel show today and Sharpe Sewali and I maneauvered the terrain that is all things movies and christianity, i mentioned to him something i stumbled upon while doing my research. now a 2007 survey on christians and their impact on soceity showed that 87% young people btn the ages of 19-29 viewed christians sd judgemental, 85% hypocritical and 78% old fashioned. and Sharpe agreed to that. even as i laughed i couldnt help and acknowledge it was true, most especially the first two, 'old fashioed? welll...relatively, if it has to do with moral values, i would say no, if it has to do with selling of entertainment products like music or other, it holsds abit of truth.

so why am i talking about this/ well because it is at this point that my story comes in... coupled with the scripture corintihans 13:1-13.
its so easy to recite a scripture and yell 'amen!' when the pastor preaches on it, really easy...till it's put to the test in your life...

it was about five years ago. not a good time in my life, hustling, trying to make ends meet, make God ends meet too...and she walked into my life, into my church. a pretty girl with issues galore. somehow she chose me, and told me alot about herself, her life, her struggle, it was a painful story. she was alone, running from fate but her spirit was vibrant and strong and hopeful. it was amazing to see, to expereince. she was so young, only 16 but she knew more than a thirty year old. being around from pub to pub, man to man and one life to the next. despite it all she was hungry for God and a place to live, a place to start over.
in church we all know that whenever we all receieve christ, its not an overnight metamophrosis and alot has to change, in our minds, motives, lifestyles and most of that hadnt changed, coupled with her vivacious loud character. she was a mighty piece of work! i knew the truth, i knew what had to be done but between knownig and doing was a space in me, i didnt know how to do, how to be the christian i should be without encouraging her in the worng direction or being too judgmental.
in the mix of it all , i learn of her relationship with a close friend of mine. in telling me her ordeal with this gentleman, we realsie we know the same man... and i am in shock at what he did to her, chrisitan moreover... and to her, she is threathened i know him and thus comes a competition i am unaware of. i said we were close friends. in trying to defend her, i go out of my way against her wisahes to confront him to take his responsibilty of her, besides she still loves him. he refused, denied, claiming her a liar. she battled with the mixed feelings of love and hate and i tried to protect her, or so i thought i did. i told my church leaders about her and asked them to do something for her, my little shack was not exactly appropriate for us both... i had alot on me, financially, especially.
however it wasn't easy, i watched as we all distanced ourselves from a responsibility that we could have saved for good. everyone had an excuse not to keep her for a bit...'she is slutty,' 'she is too wild,' 'she's just not right'
we did this, i did too. as much as it was hard to let her go on alone rejected by a people she had come to and had shown herlove in the pews... it had ended there. no one wanted to stretch it.
we all had our own problems and believe you me, she was not an easy one. i took her on for a week but... every day of that week , i battled with being chirsitan to her and judging her and looking at her like something the cat dragged in that i didnt want to deal with, fueled on by theories from my christian friends, my own weakness in helping her., her inability to be as completely chrisitan as i hopeed. soon she got on everyone's nerves and i had to rforce my friend, her as if boyfy to take her on..it was a fight that lasted a few days because he was so unwilling.when she left finally... i heard some weeks later the things she told people about me... that i was trying to compete with her for her man, that i was mean to her and that she cant stand christains, she thought they would help her.
i was angry at first after i had fed her, shared my bed with her, opened for her the back door at 4am almost everynight, lent her my clothes and this is what she could tell people? her man?! oh Jesus. but now when i look bakc, i realsie that i was not able to disciple her right, and her motives and expectations were like everyone else who feels christians are superhuman who should , with a flick of their wrists sort your problems, take your crap, fend for you...
as much as we cant be jesus, i think that to genuinely love someone even when you can only help with 500 shillings goes along way in simply doing a duty grudgingly. she moved on, her positive spirit guided her on to a small waitressing job in town. her half hearted boyfy helped out best he could... as far as i could follow up the story.
but after that, i understood what it meant for our love to be in action and not just in words and how the true christian is judged by their action and not their words... i hadnt passed that test well. my heart had grumbled the whole time, my own self righteousness had been exposed as my fellow christians were exposed to me.
the lesson of 1 corinthians 13 is not an easy one grasped in one day, its a daily one and like the bible seems to say is 'our continuing debt will be that of love,' and our constant daily growth meter will be measured on our depth of love, a height we will not fully attain in our earthly suit, but to a certain level of maturity..yes.
so my motto is to be a better christian, a more loving one, a more patient, kind one. one that lives love and not just says it.
August 21, 2011
17:15
a medley
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

been listening to a mish-mash of gospel praise, (not my sort of music at all) but Tye Tribbett got me rethinking that and in between listening to all this amazing worship that makes the praise well up in me, i would prop up the headphones and listen in to radio , the rock show on Xfm, 'soft , hard and heavy' and go all bananas... pop a few chocolate bits in my mouth and almost cry...
it is raining...
in that all too slow wash. where the universe feels it should do it slow and deliberately , for the heck of it and more psycedelic accoustic tunes fused with slow melancholic praise wrestle their way into my ears... right down to my heart and making a disturbing lasting impression more especially on the raw, rough edged corners of my soul that cant help but feel both pleasure and pain, nostalgia and relief. a need to pray and a need to cry.
its then that i find deeply buried hurts that... i cant even place a name, time and date to although i know what they are generally...being poked, shoved out of their comfortable hiding place, so much, it hurts pysically.
i try not to cry, and indeed i cant cry but i know i have two choices, to confront the pain the music resonates to the surface or switch it off and cut this whole therapy. i go on... i love the music, the mix, the rain, the chocolate....
maybe its time i let go of the hurt...stop pretending it didnt hurt. be honest about how i feel. stop trying to be nice about it all and for that moment i can be real, be shockingly real about how i feel about it and those that caused my pain and what it is making me do or making me become.

for that moment, that beautiful painful medley has a point to it, to help me face up, heal and forgive.
August 15, 2011
15:44
good christian girl---a really good read!
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

Once there was a good Christian girl who dreamed of growing up, getting married, and having children. She read all the right books and did all the right things. She read about how she was a princess in God's sight and how he wanted the very best for her. She committed herself to sexual purity, to high standards, and to waiting for the good Christian man that God was going to bring her.
Just as she was getting old enough to start dating, however, she noticed something. Some of the popular Christian books were talking about not dating at all, and just being friends, until God had made it clear that the guy she liked wasexactly the right one for her. Her Sunday school teachers taught from a very popular book about how dating was unbiblical, and how a truly righteous young Christian man would initiate a courtship with marriage as the goal, working in tandem with the girl's father and the pastor and others in the church body.
The heroine of our story observed that as these things were being taught, the level of romantic involvement among her peers at church, not very high to begin with, shrank to practically nonexistent.
But the knowing ones, the Christians who seemed to have all the answers, told her, "You're young, there's plenty of time, and you need to learn patience." So she concentrated on her education without worrying too much about men. She graduated from college and found a good job, and then she started to look in earnest for the right man. All the guys in her church were apparently still waiting for the divine signal to initiate courtship (an idea that she had never really taken to), but there were dating websites, and there was the occasional colleague or friend of a friend.
So the girl dated around for a while, but nothing seemed to work out. She remembered her high standards and tried her best to be faithful to them. She wasn't going to settle for a young man who wasn't strong in his faith, mature, well-mannered, and kind.
And the knowing ones shook their heads and said, "You're too picky."
So the girl tried harder to make things work. She tried to give every reasonably decent guy every chance she could. She spent as much time as she could with as many Christian guys as she could.
And the knowing ones shook their heads and said, "You're spending too much time just being friends with guys. They need to know you're romantically interested."
The girl worked on learning to show she was romantically interested. She tried to smile and flirt and be nice and dress prettily. And the knowing ones shook their heads and said, "Watch it, you're being too forward. Let the man pursue you. They don't like it when you do the pursuing."
So the girl worked on being passive. She was quiet and meek and let the guys start every conversation. And she got fewer and fewer dates as time went by. She had her 30th birthday, and then another birthday, and then another. And the knowing ones shook their heads and said, "You've spent too much time and energy on school and work. How did any of that teach you to be a good wife and learn to follow a man? You should have married young and had children long ago."
And guys saw that she wasn't dating very often and scoffed, "Look at her—she won't go out with anyone. She's seen too many Disney movies. All she wants is a Prince Charming. Who does she think she is, a princess?'
And the knowing ones heard, and shook their heads, and said, "That Jane Austen craze put ideas in your head. You just want a Mr. Darcy to come sweep you off your feet. Why can't you just marry a nice man whether you love him or not? Who says you have to have feelings for him?"

The girl was given to understand, from various quarters, that it was girls like her, girls who delayed marriage, that were the trouble with her generation, with Christianity, and with the country in general. She was informed that it was her own fault that she didn't have the things that she longed and prayed for. She started to hear words like "spinster" and "bitter" and "self-absorbed" and "career woman" whispered around her.
And the girl grew tired.
She was tired of advice. She was tired of waiting. She was tired of hearing about Prince Charming and Mr. Darcy. Perhaps most of all, she was tired of shaking heads.
So she ran off with the first non-Christian man who showed some interest, asked her out, and treated her with respect. And the knowing ones shook their heads and said, "What happened to her? She used to be a good Christian girl."

Gina R. Dalfonzo is editor of The Point and Dickensblog and a writer for BreakPoint Radio. She has never run off with or dated a non-Christian guy, nor will she ever. But she's not surprised when some Christian girls do.
July 08, 2011
8:24
she needs a job
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

It’s been hard waking up lately.
The maid was fired and duties had to be shared. the hardest are the mornings after a long days work, a late news bulletin and only a few hours of shut eye is hard on a girl. Hardest but most interesting part is waking up my 2 and a half year old nephew to get ready for school. In between rousing myself and then nudging him gently (his mother believes he should not be stirred harshly, bad for his day and heart)
6.30am, I should be done with my bath and partly dressed and getting little nephew out of bed. clinging to his thumb as always I am forever bearing the brunt of his 'morning blues' from rolling over and telling me in his baby formed English, he wants to 'shleep' to asking for his mommy and daddy, then kicking me in the face, neck, wherever if I push too hard... to finally getting out of bed, running to his parents room, then coming back after they throw him out to shower to getting into the humongous basin and throughout the showering and dressing moments calling me 'a bad boy,' kicks and at times slaps, clawing added to the list. it is a night mare I tell you but then again, sweet pain. I love the little guy so much.
After that, the battle of shoes. Despite the fact that he has a gazillion shoes, he picks on a particular over-sized pair that he won’t let go of unless the world ends.
It ended today when parental efforts schemed against it and hid the shoes letting him know they were stolen. Poor innocent thing run to the parents to inform them of the unfortunate incident and they were shocked and hurt for his loss. Funny, huh?
Well this is not about my adorable nephew or his family. This post is about that one particular incident two mornings ago that stayed with me for some reason.
sleepy, groggy, I stumbled into the car after a hectic getting -my nephew-ready few hours, i practically dozed in the back seat to town, I had a dialogue workshop thingy to attend and wished i could have said no but went nonetheless. dropped off a few yards from my destination center, the 2 min walk just seemed like an uphill task to the peak of some mountain so I called up the first boda that passed by. in less than a minute I was at the gate of the hotel and as I turned to pay the guy he asks me, 'do you work here?'
I smile 'no i don't?' then curious I ask 'why? Also surprised at how fluent his English was
He tells me, 'my daughter has finished school; she did BA economics from Mukono university and needs a job. She is still at home.'
In that instant a zillion and one things came to me, but they all boiled down to one thing, I wanted to help. If I could.
I asked where she had tried; I even told him the ministry could be a starting place for her.
He thanked me and left but our conversation, his concern, her plight stayed with me.
It suddenly hit me again, not as a new item but the harsh reality Uganda has plunged into, rampant unemployment. A girl with good grades in Econ at that couldn't get a job. My heart melted at the fond concern for a father that was/ is earning a living as a boda boda driver, making ends meet to having taken her to school. Was he a single father? What did the wife do if she was alive? Compassion gripped me and couldn't let go and for the first time in so long...
The news was not just something I read but something I experienced on my way to work.
July 04, 2011
21:12
no say
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

..........................
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lines on a blank page
of my today..........................
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.............. i filled it
with the sound of silence.
June 21, 2011
17:56
the cleft chin
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

she always wanted to date a man with a cleft chin, just like her daddy.
all the men she met were not like her father: tall, built,wore jeans all the time like it was all there was in fashion, kind but firm, intelligent and amazingly funny. the super dad she always believed he was. and that dimple in his chin. the one she played with when she was three, sticking her pudgy fingers into it and giggling, 'daddy has a hole in his chin,' she would blat out with a lot of eloquent effort and he would roar into her neck till she's squealing with hearty laughter.
she hoped for that kind of man twenty seven years later. but good men were hard to find and work proved more predictable and likeable but her friends would hear none of it, forever setting her up for a date or two in a week something she just could not afford what with her 7-7 schedule at work, the bank was no place for fun loving people but Paula wasnt looking for fun now
'yeah you said that when we got to senior one, then to senior 4 then to campus and after campus...girl!!! you are still singing that same old tune/ its grown old already. when do you hope to have fun and meet men and be happy. for all i care it could be in your grave and still you will be waiting for i donno what!,'
Kim one of her friends with the loudest husky voices chimed out, sending the other three girls sprawling over in peals of laughter. Paula was used to this lecture, she
just smiled.
and that smile got her a date sooner than she expected. it wasn't another fix up, it was the guy eating a burger at the next table who happened to know Kim, i mean who didn't know Kim, loud and wild were her middle names and she knew every one in town, more because she did e-business and met the most important people in a girls life, as she stated it. she knew this guy somehow and he seemed to have peaked an interest in Paula who hardly caught his gaze.
but the game was set and unknowingly, she was playing along, meeting him 'accidentally' as was Kim's strategy. going on dates with the girls and him along. meeting him with Kim on the weekends when she would rather stay in bed. to crown it off, him being brought to her house on a day she adamantly refused to go out, too exhausted to think. that was it. three weeks of trying to match them was only getting her nerves up and out of bend. she could tell he was interesting conversational but she just wasn't interested, or was it, she hopped he was like her dad? whatever it was, it wasn't the right time for her. no not yet...
she still needed that position. it was only eight days away and then maybe she could...date whoever but now...she needed to concentrate.
that day, Kim and her had a major quarrel. she had gone too far was all Paula could say. Kim was adamant, she needed a man.
Paula assured her the promotion with a doubled salary and extra allowance was what she needed. they both left off mad and hurt with the other friends picking off the pieces. He who was match-made kept a civil communication line, receiving nothing much from Paula. he didn't insist.
the day of the promotion came and left Paula in a whirlwind of disappointment, her life's work, her dad's words seemed to crumble before her like charred toast crushed
her world was over, the position was passed on...she sat infront of the telly and wept, passed up all her friends phone calls to celebrate. Kim insisted and she only text her to let her know the dream position was not given to her.
fiften minutes later, her doorbell rang and she was sure it was Kim, with all the girls only to see He who was matchmade at her door with a bottle of something that looked like wine and a card. she wanted to slam the door right in his face buut held back the temptation and mastered all the politeness she had learned growing up promising to have him out in fifteen minutes. the fifteen minutes turned to thirty, when she realsied he actually didnt like the match making idea anymore than she did, talking about it lightened the air and they could easily laugh at the way they both felt forced to put up appearances. the card was from the girls saying sorry it didnt work out but other things can...he had not even seen its contents and they lauughed it off, took alittle wine, talked some more and Paula could have sworn he was truly a nice guy. after an hour he got up to leave giving her his hand as the start of a friendship, and she smiled taking it...
it was then that she noticed he had a cleft chin.
June 13, 2011
9:58
blogger?
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

hey i shall be on news journal at lunch to talk about the impact of blogging on society, news etc, so can i have a blogger willing to come on board for this, a blogger or two? read up on this!
May 30, 2011
17:59
a day at the beach
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

maybe we should just go,
just go, just go away...

lazy sunday afternoon, country music lazily seeped out the car radio enveloping us in the backseat.
i drink it in leisurely, like my soul depends on it and relax. i sit back
watch them pull strands of something out of their hair, not just strands, mounds of sand and pieces of seashells from their shorts and open back tops and swim suits still dump from playing crazily with water and sand. now and again they double up and laugh at the pics they took.their backs against the setting sun as it streams through the half rolled up glass.
Micheal, in the driver's seat goes on and on about something, i cant really hear it, the hum of his deep drawl makes me drowsy and i am staring ahead half shut eyes, lethargic, tired and smelling of sea weed and fish.
i smile as the girls giggle, try outlandish poses, hanging on the window, on each other, front co-driver seat pulled down and right into the front too...'pictures in motion' they call it.
i smile.
too tired to join in, beside i like to watch them be girls and take memorable pics of a day at the beach.
a day they looked forward too all strenuous work month to let down their hair.
May 24, 2011
17:29
they are back!!!!!! in july!
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

my musical taste is weird but trust me it is all goooood! i love love this group Burlap to cashmere and the only shreds of for keeps i had of them is an album i shelve from wanton hands and prying eyes in case they steal it and i dont get it back, plus its one of my few originals straight from other countries and it dint come easy. listening to Burlap to cashmere is like watching a musical play performance. the language is poetic and visual, the beats? mediteranean, rokc/folk, totally out of this world. so strange i looked them up and realized why...they have a lot of greek influences fused with world music. i am a lyrics mad person. the beat is just a coupling stead to the lyrics, the stronger and more poetic the lyrics, the better for me, so listening to one of their tracts 'dont forget to write,'and i am thinking, 'gosah,i now remember why i loved this here group in the first place,' the emotive ballades, the poetry, thegreek influences, the merge of what seems mainstream yet christian, i cant class these guys they are a class apart when it comes to music and their stlye, check out the song hope you like it!

meanwhile they showed up in 1998, then disappeared with the lead singer doing two solo albums and now...come july, burlap to cashmere bring their mediteranean selves bac ktogether in a self titled album after 12 yrs! i got to go on a missionary trail to convert every blogren member to listen up and love these guys!
May 19, 2011
16:58
sucker punch (ed)
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

i was , as usual looking for another movie to review and of course some sort of high to kick me out of my melancholic haze and i was MAD, ABSOTUDLEY MAD!!!!! to pick on sucker punch for that effect! i was sucker punched for real. just so i warn you before hand, dont watch a Zack Snyder movie(300, Watchmen) on an empty stomach or on the brink of suicide you just might do it, (suicide i mean) through out the movie, (i hadn't done my research) i kept thinking, this is so familiar, i have seen this slow-motion/action choreography, the sudden zoom in to detail that is captivating, the grunge/ rock punk music, the amazing visual spectacle, the off-ish colour that makes you feel like you are in a straight jacket locked up in some asylum(yeah, well its the movie plot too)very claustrophobic! half the time i was catching my breathe and yet again wishing i was watching it in 3D (now surely i cant put this movie review in an all female mag, no woman could date Zack Snyder...seems the kind thats fascinated by whips, handcuff and stuff, if you get my drift)

okay before i get into this movie the plot is simple at least according to IMDB: A young girl is institutionalized by her abusive stepfather. Retreating to an alternative reality as a coping strategy, she envisions a plan which will help her escape from the mental facility. NOW THE MOVIE HAS A FEW PEOPLE IN THE CAST I CANT HELP BUT SAY 'WHAAAT????!!!"
our famous hot star of the high school musicals who was ,until two months ago dating Zac Effron , Vanessa Hudgens, is apart of the cast that has Emily Browning (violet in Lemony Snickets a series of unfortunate events. now that's an amazing movie) Abbie Cornish.
now this movie swings as if from 1934 to the year 3000, mostly when we try to cope with this baby doll's imagination...

apart from the fact that we are most times not sure if we are in an asylum, since it has long since become a brothel and the escape from it is an erotic dance performed by this here 'baby doll'to some video game created atomsphere from a World war scene to a feudal Japan, orc infested castle to kill dragons, steam trains racing against time and a bomb...man!!!!
if you are a sucker for kicks and fancy graphics and a lot of fantasy action then you might love this new evolved Snyder. its a hybrid of 300 and Watchmen, just over the top, me thinks!
in a way its also an all girlpower -think charlie's Angel's sort of movie with hot sexy girls dressed like go-go dancers prancing an imagined wild to fight their wildest foes all for the sake of freedom.
i love the merge between fantasy and the real and also the realisation that what happens in the fantasy real is a hyperboled version of what happens in the real world. i cant help but tip my hat to Snyder's out of the box imagination in attaining the effect and message he deos rely in this here movie. the fact that when we are all faced with a really claustophobic life situation , we fight to get out and we use all we have, even our imagination!
its not a movie for everyone, mark you.

now make sure you go on and watch 'Pirates of the Caribean; on stranger tides' supposed to open this Friday before the world ends (you havent heard? that the world is ending on 21st may at 6pm? eh, go eat be merry and have fun!)
jack Sparrow is back! yay!
May 17, 2011
19:50
is love dead?
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

been trying to post something for ages and not being able to somehow my insides are all up in knots, tied up in the fate of others, the need to be loving and caring and I am hit with a new revelation, am i just blind? or are we colder and more selfish today than we used to be?
has love become sex and what the other person can do for you? What happened to growing in love and keeping sex for later? what happened to the men? why are they so rash? is it true we don't have enough fathers for the boy child? there are so many lost boys in grown men's skins that couldn't stick out for a woman or their own. i say this here pop culture has a lot to blame for it.
relationships are a lot of hit and run these days and we throw the bomb not really caring who we hurt and how we do it.
but as we grow older, we seem to not know what we want. in the end i think its just as the God Book says, the hearts of many has grown cold... love is dead
April 24, 2011
2:37
am older!oh Gosh!
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

its like 2am in the morning and i had a really great scrabble game earlier with a crew of very interesting people...and then had a 'pamper' moment with my really good friends (even though i try not to say they are the people i have grown so close to)and came home to blog. not because it was a bad day but because despite the really great time i had today, something inside hasn't felt very right.
i like to say i am fearless and got no absolute threats but i have realized that even the brave are afraid when faced with the incomprehensible or a seemingly larger than life issue and i am not an exception. the difference between a coward and a brave person is the choice we make to be either cowardly or brave and bravery defies how we feel.
so i am asking myself about maturity and what it really means.
does maturity have a lot to do with not expressing how we feel in order to do what we dim is right?

its 2am,
almost three i need to sleep but somehow need to write, torn between sleeping writing and thinking. my fingers seem to type faster than my thoughts can churn out sense of the web within, maybe i should sleep and it will all be clear tomorrow
the questions, the web. it all...
tomorrow.
April 20, 2011
8:57
a very disappointed fella wrote this....
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

And in today's age, we spend between 10% and 20% of our lives watching TV, movies, playing video games or blindly surfing the internet.

We spend about 5% of our lives bathing, grooming and getting dressed.

Another 5% for eating/drinking.

And the average adult spends roughly 30% of their lives working, preparing for work or thinking about work.

So in the end, only 10% of our lives truly can have any real meaning.

The average human lifespan is about 75 years, so 10% is 7.5 years.

How much of that 7-and-a-half years of our entire existence on Planet Earth are we using to truly better ourselves and the world around us?

Something to think about...
April 15, 2011
22:35
dry spell
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

dry, gritty, wordless, looks like the drought all over the country
has caught up with me
on the inside.
somehow i have nothing to say
or write anymore
not just on blogger
generally.
someone said i am prolly stressed
but i know i am dried out from giving
and i need to hibernate....

will post when i get to an oasis
love ya

and iam fine

just taking a hiatus to refill, replenish my parched soul
March 30, 2011
16:54
on a grey day
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

I am kinda low, its more in my soul( thank God its not gone further) and I want to cry but more to sleep and forget the thing that's caused me sadness. sometimes i wonder how anyone in a bad relationship or marriage can wake up to a repeat of the day before and like me, want to cry but more to sleep and forget the thing that's caused them sadness. it is not the sadness of losing something. its the sadness of not being able to be, not being able to impact, to be appreciated for the beauty within and above all to be understood and known for who I really am. instead robbed of peace of beauty and drained to the core. its that dry crispy sadness that rasps against the spirit in need of replenish of a little understanding. for sanity.
so in my headache filled, soul-exhausted day, i recalled with deep longing to go back there, a poem i loved so much, a poem so melancholic it warmed me in my grayest of days and i am shocked that even as i pieced it up together, i actually still did recall it all. word for word.
so i guess i should keep a copy of this amazing poem on my blog too, not just my heart

Words May Lose Meaning

once, in an hour that i shall not forget,
you took a stick and wrote upon the sand.
the wind was around us and your hair was wet
you held my hand in your other hand.

words may lose meaning though they promise well
and eyes like strangers coldly meet and pass
empty of comfort like a broken shell-
or the wind's errand in the mountain grass
March 23, 2011
12:40
but you have money!
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

recently i realized that publicity and working for the media is a lot more demanding than having to look over and above the public's expectation. people also expect you to be their one stop charity center, their know-it -all guru whether you just woke up or you had a really really out of sorts day; they expect a sunny disposition, a larger than life heart and an enormous...no GIGANTIC encyclopedic mind!
the demand is mind blowing...the demand from people for you to be super, forever rich, forever happy, forever everything to everyone, forever utopia...to be the illusion they see on TV.

just the other day, walking off from work, tired, sleepy and in need of good food and hardly enough for what i was particularly craving, i stand by the stage, lost in thoughts of usual calculations of destination, work plan and things to do...when..
'hello madam how are you?' i turn and this very sick girl looks at me, well looks past me and starts to ramble on and on.... i realize i passed her on my way to the stage and in the mob of a crowd of 'standers-by' she wiggled her way through it and came right to me! i smiled, tired to be polite...(i really wanted to be left alone)then she dropped the bomb and told me what was on her mind,
you see i am going to hospital to get ARV'S and would like some money.' my heart fell through... i was just thinking of how to get money for myself. then i wondered why she picked me? was it coz i was in a suite, all made up and looking like the 21st century Jones? or was it coz i smiled at the person that stood next to me and greeted me? or was it coz i seemed approachable? so i asked her those questions. she didnt seem to listen to me and insisted on what she wanted. i had never seen an HIV/AIDS victim up close and badly afflicted. could she be using this to get money out of me? i was torn, how could i say no, so i asked how much....she told me an exorbitant amount that would basically be all i had so i told her i could only give her a certain amount. walked around for change and finally gave it to her, if not for her insistence, it was because i felt so sorry for her state, sorry, shocked, almost traumatized. that moment stayed in my mind for a week or so.

now some days later,i decided to treat myself to fresh juice from Uchumi, figuring i could have it all day, so slopped from work to get some. right at the juice counter , making my fresh cocktail no sugar order and a woman walks up to me, a huge smile on her face. 'are you so and so?'
i frown, wondering if i know her and nod hesitantly,
'ooooh, i watch you on t.v. how is so and so?' referring to my co-anchor and i tell her she is okay, then i turn my attention to the counter as my juice can fills and i am in buying negotiations with the man behind the counter. i partially forget about the woman i have greeted, only to realize as i am leaving that she is still standing there, it doesn't hit me that she is waiting for me and then she tells me a little bit about her affiliation to my workplace years ago and constantly hinting on how she is retired. then drops the bomb as i approach the counter, 'you see i have been sitting here praying that God would send someone to help me. you see i am going to see my daughter at this and this bank but its so far off and i cant walk the whole way.'
'you don't have money,' i ask stupidly, of course she didn't and i knew she wanted something
'no, ' she responds an embarrassed smile crosses her face , 'i saw you and thought you could help me with some transport,'
i couldn't say no, how could i? she was about fifty something or maybe sixty and she was stranded but how could i believe her? was it for real? why me? when she had been sitting here for about half an hour waiting for an angel? and she picked me? because she could come up to me coz i work in the media? is it fair? how many more people think that everyone in the media can be approached and asked for anything and they get it? are media figures richer than everyone else? are media figures deemed as fairy god people? so why us?
anyway i gave her her transport fare, walked out of there dazed. not sure who to blame for all this.
February 28, 2011
7:47
iam selling!!!!!
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

while in Rwanda recently i met an artist i fell for instantly...it was either him or his pictures that took my fancy, but whatever it was, the feeling stayed and i want to share it with you all. i urge you to go to his website and in order to do that i am posting some of his pictures here so you can judge the artist he is, he is AMAZING. look at the samples of my rwandan friend's wedding pics in a January entry 'rwandan affair' to get a glimpse, but this is part of his collection on his website.... his name Arnaud Mugisha Gwaga

enjoy the pictorial, by the way, the first picture is one of himself, i still wonder how he did it! so visit his website. he will be in Uganda sometime and i will most def bring him to meet the blogger fraternity and even take pics o you all!
February 14, 2011
11:36
on growing younger.
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

listen up.
Ahem!
iam turning 30 soon in 2 month's time. i still need to announce it and say it over and over to myself so i can actually internalize the fact that i am turning 30.
and with this realization, i also discovered how women subtract a heluva decades off their age to be younger in every possible way.
its a woman's best kept secret, that only happens to you when you get to an age you feel you need to stop time and live forever young.
i swear, i am tempted to pull that as well but at least the blogren family will know the secret and keep me accountable.
so lately I've been looking back to my twenties and taking inventory of my life at 20-29. and i realized i didn't live at all.
the 20's signified DRAMA at a dimension only familiar to those that are...in their 20's or less. and i felt that if at this age with what i know and how emotionally mature i feel, i could turn back time, i would live my 20's to the fullest.
maybe you don't get it, here it is
at 20: i wanted to date some swash buckling Don Juan, with shaggy beards and i dreamed of my wedding gown every night.

at 21: i wanted to travel the world the very next day and kept hoping i would nine years later

at 22: i was trying to get anorexic and be the skinniest size zero babe ever!

at23: i was working on my relationship with God and not understanding the dynamics of salvation and why it felt so hard!

at 24: i was soul searching, dysfunctional and looking for true friendships

at 25: i gave up, after two heart break, on the roman-themed wedding and marriage in general. it was the first time i gave up on men....

at 26: i decided to develop my self and be independent and be better than i was...still battling my weigh. and then again letting my foolish heart go. lol!

at 27: i knew i wanted to be the next J.K Rowlings. i started working hard at it. then 8-5pms became a mirage. i decided i would never work like that.

at 28: i started to understand the meaning of true independence. living alone, paying bills, etc. it was /is hard, exciting and totally delusional

at 29: decided the fewer the friends the better. love hurts but there is a better deal always. realized its okay to let people go, its okay to be fat, its okay to grow old, to wise. its fine to have a deferring opinion. its not the end of the world to not be loved. its okay not to explain yourself. its okay to be a cat among pigeons. its okay to be beautiful, desirable and desired. its okay to not say hi.that life is short and its better enjoyed spending each moment fulfilling your dreams than living in the past, regrets and pain. that you cant hurry love. take your time, be absolutely sure about what you want, don't settle for less and don't let your true love pass you by. that pain kills you slowly, makes you older. that God will never abandon me and that all i have is Him, when all else is done! above all , knowing me makes me realsie the greatest peace comes with being okay to be ME.

SO MY 29 realization has released the elixir of youth and healthy living, because now i am thinking...what the hell was i thinking, mourning, griping, being afraid, fighting for so much when Me was there all along asking to be.
i am so comfortable in my skin now and i know what i want more that i ever did years ago. so in my mind...in 2 months time, i will be 20 again living my youth, the way i should have lived it!

happy valentine's day!
February 03, 2011
22:17
its nothing personal, really
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

another day gone by.
a few more shillings to earn. at least before i can call it a night.
business has been good. thanks to the heat plaguing Kampalans, no one wants to brave it and my job is then well done. uh huh!
she strolls by, undecided. i can tell. folding her arms over her blue sweater. she glances over at me and i take the bait.
'nyabo, o'genda wa?'
she pauses, looks at me, watches the cars whizzing by and finally makes up her mind. walks up to me.
'Ssebo, Luwafu mekka?' she stumbles over her luganda. i can tell she is one of those high class girls who don't even know what the inside of a taxi looks like. probably a first time.
iam willing to give her a virgin ride for a steeped up fee. really high! i place my stakes.
i do my customary confused act, 'Luwafu, makindye?'
'yes,' she switches languages.
'ok,' i followed suit with the craft i have harnessed for five years. i pull out the dirty over used rag and wiped the seat, 'kale letta ekumi taano,'
'two-five?' she asks unsure about what i have said. i chuckle.
'ah-ah five hundred... i mean five thousand,' i respond brokenly. surely this strange language infuriates me!
'eeeh Ssebo...' and the pleading starts. after a few moments of haphazard negotiations between broken English and Luganda, we agree on the meager fee of 4500. a big steal for me i guess.
she mounts behind me. her faint fruity perfume fills my nose. i wonder if she has been in town all day...the scent is still so fresh.
with the streetlight's pale gaze fixed on her moon face, i was quite glad i would take this pretty thing all the way....
'tuggende,' she instructs when ready
and my day's work ends.
we are flying through traffic, and she is frightened, i feel the tension in her fingers as she digs deep into my heavy jacket and chuckle, i reassure her she will be safe. she begs me to slow down.
but how can i ? i like the way she is slowly snaking her hand round me and leaning close, almost onto me. its the wind in her eyes, the roaring sound of the wind mingled in traffic, the fading heat, dust...
she digs in a little more this time complaining in my ears, the wind carries her voice over my shoulder..the weight of her head on my back... spurs me on... i like this. how can i stop now, i tell her, i want to get her to her destination fast and in one piece for sure....
her vice like grip is taunting...awaking every male instinct in me... surely, for only 4500, it is okay. its really nothing personal.
i am in a new heaven...beyond the 7th. i carry on...
steady speed. enjoy the scent that floats from her hair and body.
the warm weight of her leaning in for protection.
for a few minutes i feel like a hero...a knight!
i just work hard . too hard and taking a beautiful woman to wherever is a small reward for hard labour. its nothing personal, i tell you.
just a small reward.
is it too much to ask? a simple boda guy like me?
its nothing personal, really.
January 19, 2011
17:49
the wedding: a rwandan affair
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

so a really good friend of mine got married, she made an amazing bride and i will only sample a few pics wish i could tell the whole story , you know, traveling to Rwanda, getting lost in the town and thinking i would become french barbecue for some thug and partying in their night clubs and thinking how strange, and loving the clean air, nice roads but also ...missing home....i wouldn't blink relocating and marrying some francophone dude 9they be all good looking) but...that's another story, for now...i introduce to you, alpha... my buddy!
January 03, 2011
16:04
having a baby
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

so in the recent last year, someone asked me if i was looking to have a baby, a question that set me aback in peals of hearty laughter. A BABY?!What the heck were they smoking?
so we went back and forth on the topic abit and i was pretty much screaming 'HELLLLL NOOOOO!'
and no i am not saying i don't like babies, i really do ...well enough in a healthy way.
anyway on recovery, i really sat back to seriously chew on this allegation/accusation/ whatever it was and in a moment of truth asked myself: would i want a baby? right now?
as much as i wanted to leap off my seat and scream 'yes!'
i had to be honest, everything screamed 'no' with no room for conflict. so i was sorted and even as i screamed NO within the a thousand reasons milled in effortlessly. one: my career is still fledgling, according to me and i have learnt to accept its Vanity potion but also learnt to accept my hunger for more than this, not for Fame more for Success, call it the success Monster and babies will get in the way..at least for now.
two: i have friends with babies and as much as its been a fad for people to have babies for a while the whole single parenthood phenomenon, it never caught on for me... i want the full Monty; daddy, mommy and then the babies (Iam not saying that those that got babies because of an unavoidable circumstance fall in this here niche). fad speaks for itself.
three: babies are a big deal! BIG big DEAL! AND i blame it on my overly perfection tendencies, its got to be right. the right time, right guy, right everything...generally right time to roll in the hay too. i don't feel right, and there is no MR. right and honestly not hopping for one soon. like a friend said 'unlike love, work is easier to deal with it's more decisive, more controllable, makes senses and is straightforward' (i couldn't agree more)
okay back on the big deal about babies. they cost a hefty much, let no body lie to you that they only look and smell good. babies are alot of work, sleepless nights, sickness almost every week, pampers cost a dime a dozen, feeding in itself is another thing, basically, say bye bye to alot of your person freedom when you have a baby because they stay for as long as you are alive and your freedom never returns because they will always be your baby. the point is, you just have to be ready in every way, emotionally and psychologically for that sacrifice. i am honestly not there yet. i can barely take care of myself. i am an insomniac with my writing and have the weirdest work hours and i still dream of doing a lot other things for the sake of success. i would not want any child to have me for a mother now...
four; it is worse if the father of the child is not into you... then you do what/ kill the child? boil them in a pot because you are frustrated
five; what if you can't be a full time stay home mom(which is the case) and maids are a headache trust me! then what? and have to deal with the anxiety of if your kids are in the right hands?
six: it sounds selfish and oh so presumptuous i know, i have been told... but i simply want the best for the kids when they come. more than a the basics, i think the basic is a loving family; i mean mommy, daddy and kids. that's how its got to be for me.
December 28, 2010
17:55
2010
» ‎ Where Beauty Lies

iam glad its almost over.
its been
pain, pain, pain, pain and more pain alll the way...

but
a lot of growth too.

however i hope next year brings something better
better than this year

i am not making resolutions, wishing on a star or listening to prophecy.
lets see how 2011 will go,
step by step, day by day.

happy nu yr y'all!

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