You ought to agree with me that you mean a great deal to a couple when they trust you to speak on their behalf at a wedding.
We call it making a toast. You walk to the podium, knock your spoon on the glass and make a wish.
The 'worst' mistake my sister Alexia made at her wedding was letting our oldest brother, Marvin, make a toast.
He was so emotional seeing her off to the extent of asking to join our parents walk her down the aisle.
These two have always been close. "We should always protect our baby girl, she isour last born," he brushed me off when I protested.
Marvin was asked to speak on behalf of the siblings.
So when he took the mic, Jamaican musician Chronixx's song Here Comes Trouble rang in my head. In fact, if I were the DJ, I would have played the song.
An dem seh here comes trouble
Here comes the danger
He tapped the microphone, listened to the sound echo in the reception, took a sip of his Coca Cola then began.
"To my brother-in-law, Elijah, today I will not celebrate you but warn you about something regarding my sister that you should know."
Heart beats, sweats. Hush tones. Now here you can picture the groom Elijah looking at my sister Alexia.
Oh I have not told you how my brother, Marvin, had frustrated Elijah during dowry. My bad, I take full responsibility there.
There is no bad blood between them. It's only that Marvin is overprotective. .
Anyways, after Elijah paid the bride price, Marvin took him on a drive and asked him to take care of my sister well.
He also ranted on how our dad had asked for a lower bride price (story for another day, but only if you'll remind me about it).
"Imagine your bro was like 'she is the only sister we have'. Man, I know that and if I wouldn't love her enough, I wouldn't have asked her to marry me," Elijah the groom told me after the drive.
"He is just scared of us losing her," I calmed him down then.
So when Marvin spoke of warning him, I understood why he was so scared.
"Relax bro," Marvin, nonetheless calmed him down and broke the tension with a little laughter.
"I have been married for 10 years and just a quick advice, if you want to have a successful marriage, never miss your wife's supper. That counts for my lil sis too," the whole congregation burst into laughter.
"She will shove the whole meal down your throat when you return home. I know. Those nights she cooked, we used to come back home early.
"My friend, even when you are out with the boys, leave some space for her meal," he added, much to the chagrin of the attendees.
He paused to let the applause fade before he continued. But he first took a sip of his Coca-Cola again.
"I truly love being married. It's great to find that one special person you will always annoy for the rest of your life. Elijah, my bro, always know when to annoy her and when not to.
"She will send you something important and ask you not to be in a hurry to look at it. Haa! There lies the trap! Look at it with the utmost urgency because she will use it against you next time.
"My sister Alexia will be like 'Hmm, even when I ask you to look at something urgent you take your own time. No problem'," he said, mimicking my sister before he looked at her. She failed to contain her laughter.
"To keep your marriage brimming with love, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. Don't argue with her on emotions, but logic. I love you all and I wish you a happy marriage. Alexia, you will always be my baby sister. Our last born," he concluded and got a standing ovation.
My sister rushed to the podium to hug him, her gown sweeping the floor.
He escorted her back to his seat, hugged the groom and walked toward our seats.
"You sounded so excited I almost thought you won some cash or airtime from the Coca-Cola promo," I told him when he slumped into his seat, next to mine.
"Young boy. Which promotion are you talking about? Can't I just ooze some wisdom on my own," he brushed me aside.
But I pushed my Coca-Cola bottle top into his hand and told him how I had won some cash before he addressed the attendees.
“Coca-Cola is offering five slots for individuals to go watch the FIFA World Cup matches in Qatar. Just send the eight-digit code under the crown to 40111, you could win other things such as airtime and hard cash,” I explained.
He looked at the Coke bottles around, pulled one closer, opened it, tossed the top in his hand and looked at it.
I could feel the bottle almost squeal when he pressed it.
He sent the code and waited.
Then after some minutes, he screamed "Qatar."
Everyone turned to look at him. You should have seen how he stood up in a flash and how all heads turned to look at him.
"Marvin, ni nini unakataa tena wewe (Marvin, what are you rejecting again)," my dad who was making his toast wondered.
"Si kukataa (I am not rejecting). I am going to Qatar," he responded before I pulled him back to his seat.
My dad laughed, oblivious of the Coca-Cola promotion. The gathering broke into wild laughter too, with some hush tones and conversations about Marvin.
The priest called them to order.
My brother looked at me, holding his excitement inside. I knew how much he wanted to scream, but he was already screaming inside.
He took the Coca-Cola bottle he had opened and emptied it in half, then he saw my sister looking at him.
Marvin touched his heart and made a shape of love with his fingers.
My sister touched her heart too and whispered, "I love you too," with some tears in her eyes.
These two will always remain close. She knew how much it meant to him to see her wed and find the love of his life.
Marvin tapped my shoulder, nodded and signalled with his head, urging me to follow him outside. His mind was already in Qatar.
